this space has unintentionally become a tribute to You.

I dreamt of you last night.

Perhaps after years.

It kinda saddens me that I can't recall with certainty the last time I dreamt of you.

My focus has been on Ikhwan these past couple of years.

Now he's the one that shares the random dreams he has,

& all I can offer him is my listening ear & relating what I've personally experienced.

It's funny how it is absolutely out of our control,

When we dream,

What we dream,

& how our feelings react to those dreams.

I woke up calm,

Alert.

I dreamt of you as an adult.

You're tall as heck, wide & built & steady.

You were just there next to me,

Warm, always warm.

& solid, & calm, & silent.

& in the quiet before Subuh I remember how I used to feel in your presence.

You've always had this grounding effect.

Most of the time smiling, silently observing,

Not needing to steal the spotlight or grab attention.

& next to you I always felt I could just be.

The worst part of loss has gotta be the fact that you can never, ever feel a certain way anymore,

Because the person that induces that feeling in you is gone.

It doesn't need to be the fierce, passionate feelings.

In my case it's just the unique way a friend makes you feel comfortable in your own skin.

I don't want to overanalyze the logic behind the fact that the version of you that appears in my dreams continue growing how you should've done here on earth,

Because it feels kinda nice.