2013, the long-winded one.

I remember when I sat on the toilet the day after my wedding & suddenly felt overwhelmingly scared of the responsibilities that I had newly acquired.
Especially thinking that sooner or later (oh boy was I clueless at the time on how soon it was) I would become a mother.
But let's not start on that note.
2013 is so, so much more.
After two months of lazing around & gaining back the weight that I had imaginarily lost leading up to my wedding,
I finally joined HSBC.
Thinking back, this was perhaps the most depressed I've ever been in my life.
I just found out I'm pregnant,
Which threw me into a state of utter panic,
& I'm starting a new job which I joined solely because I wanted to be with my husband.
I seriously didn't know what to expect.
During the first month on the job all I did was refresh the intranet homepage & read basically all news ever published by the company.
That, & secretly praying I'd be placed in the fee team.
Their job looks so awesome to me.
They come in, chat with people, go down for tea, laugh & joke while working throughout the day, & then leave on time.
I want that job.
& I did get that job.
Along with the knowledge that they've been so lek at work because they couldn't do any work.
Migrating to a new system screwed up fee so bad they stopped doing work for 5 whole months & just waited for a way, any way, to correct what's wrong.
3 weeks into my joining the team, the clean up work began.
About 2 weeks later, our team leader fainted flat on her face, literally, due to exhaustion caused by overworking, stress & lack of sleep (she was staying late in the office & her babysitter was unwell so she had to look after her son in the morning which means only 2-3 hours of sleep for the past 2 weeks maybe).
& 1.5 months into the job, I was unceremoniously handed the lovely task of cleaning up the shit that fee was in.
That was when I realised how deep the shit was.
Thus began my turn to stay back at the office a couple of hours every night,
& seeing the recs file as we call it fluctuate as it pleases,
& having to explain why as if I purposely increased the figure simply because I felt like it.
Somewhere in between all this,
Ikhwan & I managed to go on a vacation to Sabah, which was good,
& we also took our core leave during raya & went back to Kelantan, which was also good.
(Oh & throughout Ramadhan I would cook everyday at 2, 3 am for our sahur & next day's buka puasa at work cause I'm an awesome wife lol).
But upon returning from those vacations, fee would always be in a worse state than when I left it.
Simply because we were so understaffed it's not even funny.
Then Dan came.
God, talking about Dan always made me teary eyed.
He was the boss of the boss,
The guy who if copied into any emails complaining about fee, we'd be terrified.
& here he was all friendly & helpful & random,
Like buying us drinks from glojy & telling me 'don't ever let anyone tell you it's easy' while chatting to me about having a baby kinda random.
Of course he came down because our problem had gotten so bad that people were beginning to question if he was doing his job,
But instead of coming here to glare down his nose & breathe down our neck to see that we did our job properly (which they thought we weren't),
He helped. A lot.
Our business partners are so alien to us as we almost only communicate by email, & it's always so formal & unpleasant,
That when I met Dan face to face, I was so surprised to find him so human.
However by this time I was already heavily pregnant & shortly after I tendered my resignation.
But this whole experience, the coming in early & staying back late,
The brainmelting process of trying to solve problems with 1001 possible causes,
The stress & disappointment of finding more & more problems to deal with, overriding the few that was successfully settled,
I wouldn't change any of it.
I honestly feel like I've never been so satisfied with a job or task that I've done in my life.
& not to mention gaji rasa halal betul since there is absolutely no time to dawdle or waste while at work.
Alhamdulillah since I left fee has received 2 new staffs.
I really hope they're doing better & I honestly miss everyone & everything, even the shit.
I guess I feel so good about my job because I left it at a good time,
We have just managed to bring the recs file to the lowest it's ever been,
& the work on the other problems were also progressing smoothly,
& I parted with my teammates & superiors on a good note.
It's nice to be flattered with thanks & appreciation for the job that you've done because believe me, I've never tried so hard or gave that much to anything I've ever done before.
The fee recs file has become like my first baby, if you asked me then I knew exactly what was on it & why it's still there.
& just in time,
I gave birth to a healthy, happy baby girl on 14th of October.
That is a drama on it's own,
With the water bag scare on Saturday,
& being told to go home from the hospital twice,
Having strong, regular contractions for almost 40 hours, & not having any progress for the most of it,
The whole process was so long & painful & exhausting that I couldn't even tell the days apart & what happened before which.
Heck, I can't even remember how the pain felt now.
All I know is pushing the baby & having her shoot out of me was the best feeling ever.
& my days with her ever since has been indescribably beautiful that I'm scared of saying anything specific for fear of jinxing it.
Only Allah knows my feelings & the prayers that crosses my mind every time I look at her & Ikhwan.
I have had such an uplifting 2013 & I'm so thankful.
The best husband I could ever ask for,
A fulfilling job that really helped me grow, boosted my confidence & flattered me with all the appreciation that my colleagues showed me,
& a darling daughter.
All I can say is I'm ending 2013 right now exactly where I've said I wanted to be,
A fulltime (earning) housewife, on my bed with my daughter sleeping peacefully, & still blessed by Allah to be listening to the fireworks outside.
Though, it'd be nice to have my husband too.
Guess we'll have to celebrate the new year together according to London time later.
Happy 2014!

Chapter 1.

Yesterday was our first anniversary.
Believe me I wanted to post this yesterday itself.
Dates matter to me.
But our weekend was so eventful I'm still tired from it.
So..
Here's to a month of honeymoon bliss,
9 of pregnancy bliss,
& 2 of chaotic bliss (in the form of broken nights & soiled diapers).
I love you to death, Mohd Ikhwan Arif.
& of course, Hilwa Anis.
I can definitely say I revisited our wedding day in the form of how I felt at the end of the day.
Brainmeltingly exhausted!

Weight.

A friend wrote a status once, just after she had a child, that she would randomly check her baby to see if it was still breathing.
I found it funny at the time.
& I also could not imagine what she must have been feeling.
Well I've caught myself checking my baby more times than I could count.
I do it at least once every night.
Especially now that Hilwa is sleeping on her stomach, & has begun to suck on a pacifier.
She can be so still for hours at a time it's not even funny.

& what's also not funny is the fact that I'm writing about my daughter again.
My daughter.
This is actually the first time I'm referring to her as that.
It's always been my baby.
My daughter sounds so real, so serious, so... Heavy.
Silence do me no good.
I get so terrified while nursing her or holding her,
Just thinking about the responsibility I now have in my hands.
A human being.
All on me.
Yes it's still registering.
& I should stop ranting.