Sensors.

It's amusing to see how Hilwa is developing.
Right now it's obvious she's becoming aware of her surroundings & her senses are getting sharper.
For starters, she doesn't want to drink milk anywhere else other than in our room.
In the morning she will wake up, play by herself, drink some milk, drift in & out of sleep on her own, no problems whatsoever.
But the moment I bring her downstairs she will start acting up.
I can tell she's sleepy by how she's rubbing her eyes & whining.
But she just refuses to latch properly.
Regardless of whether I'm holding her, lying down beside her in the back room, any way at all.
She will suckle a bit, & when I start to let down she will let go & get sprayed by the milk.
& laugh.
Then refusing to continue.
(If any guys are reading this, yes milk do spray out on its own. No, it's not kinky. Especially when you smell like expired yogurt at the end of the day).
Then after I take her into our room & she has drunk her fill & fallen asleep, there's the 3 sensors I need to get past in order to free myself from her.
One, her mouth.
This is the least sensitive & usually I'd be able to slowly pull myself out with nothing but a small twitch from her.
Pause, check, still fast asleep.
Next, her hand(s).
It, or they, are usually either touching my stomach or grabbing my tshirt.
Moving it will cause her a bit of a start, but by laying close to her she will drift back to sleep almost immediately.
Then comes the hardest part of all.
Her feet.
Which are definitely resting on my thighs.
Any movement on my part which causes any movement to her will cause her to jump.
Literally jump, hands flying in the air, eyes wide open kind of shock.
& since she is full, there's almost nothing I can do to put her back to sleep.
Carrying her would make her think I'm ready to play,
& if I try to rock her back to sleep she'll start screaming her protest.
I now officially have 2 basket full of clothes to be folded & one huge one of folded clothes yet to be kept.
I love being a housewife :')

The downfall.

I am sandwiched between 2 sick people on this bed.
On my right, papa, who's been on MC for two days & is occasionally coughing in his sleep.
On my left, Hilwa, the nappy rash victim who just received her 3 month shot today.
So really I don't know which is bugging her, the itch or the pain.
This is the second night I am wide awake & tossing & turning in whatever limited space I have between these two.
Hilwa seems to be in deep sleep.
She was in deep sleep earlier until papa blew his nose & woke her up.
I had to nurse her back to sleep & now she's comfortable.
Papa has coughed twice & she did not as much as twitch.
Ooh kalau tidur sebelah mama kau nyenyak je eh!
I am so tempted to move her back to her cot & reclaim my side of the bed & my beloved bantal busuk, which is currently supporting her back while she sleep on her side.
Someone please bring my to uptown kota, I need to buy this princess her own bantal kabu hurhhh.
I honestly don't know why I'm blogging.
I'm guessing it's cause I know it's a huge privilege to be in this position, literally, sandwiched between these two.
I want to remember this always.
& the fact that when I carried Hilwa to her cot earlier, she kept reaching up to my shoulder & burrowing her face deeper into my chest,
As if trying to hold on to me so I can't put her down.
Seriously, the downfall of every mum.
Call me crazy, but every time I cuddle with Hilwa I can't help but think about what my sister said regarding the day she gave birth to ilhan.
When she laid down beside layla that morning before leaving for the hospital & just cried because she knew it was the last time she'd be able to do that just the two of them.
Imagining Hilwa getting a younger sibling & all of my attention shifting to him/her is heartbreaking.
Yes, this is how my mind works most of the time.
Unfortunately.

The calm.

It's 14th of January so Hilwa is officially 3 months old.
I don't exactly have anything important or planned to say.
But I have used up all of my candy crush livea on both my phone & tab,
& I just feel like blogging.
3 months.
It's one of those times when you look back to the day (in my case, 14th October) & it feels so long ago,
But then you think '3 months? It's only been just 3 months?'
I swear I feel like I've been at it my whole life.
Motherhood's awesome though.
It's times when her eyes light up upon seeing me even though she has just been screaming her lungs out because she woke up from sleep so hungry,
& she flashes that toothless, gummy smile.
When she falls sound asleep cuddled against me,
Eyes all puffy & mouth wide open.
Or simply, when she takes an extra long naps & I get to just sit down & relax.
I have started working for my dad, helping him with his shipments.
& most mornings (or afternoon, depending on what time I wake up lol) is just a madness of chasing that 4 o'clock cut off time.
& Hilwa would always, always wake up just as I am finishing the last order.
Or worse still, in the middle of a huge one, demanding milk straight away.
Then there's laundry & lunch & even bathing to think about.
Yes, sometimes I can't even find time to bathe.
But then 4 o'clock comes & I get to slow down.
& it's one of the best feelings honestly.
Especially when she's asleep & I get to just be.
I guess I better soak up all this for the next 3 months.
Cause the 6 month mark means I have to start boiling & steaming & pureeing food.
Oh boy am I not looking forward to cooking!