I've found my DDDISO, I guess.

I made the very noob mistake of assuming mothers & Harry Potter fans are two separate entities.
Pfft.
Mothers are just kids who grew up OK?
Anyways, one mama in a baby wearing group I'm in just posted a picture of a Harry Potter-y wrap.
It's called Invisibility Clook Carmin by Natibaby.
Yes, the 'clook' is not a typo.
It's quite a basic wrap design-wise, the one she has is red & gold with Harry's spects & scar design with some stars scattered across the wrap.
I'm not really into crowded, repeated designs,
Plus it was red & gold & everyone knows I'm a Slytherin so ew.
But it got me googling.
& would you believe it, there is actually a wrap in this world that is the replica of the marauder's map.
Omfg.
I'm like tripping so bad it's not even funny.
& now I can't get the idea of a deliciously shimmery green & silver striped thing out of my head.
God save me!
Baby no 2, if you do make it (& please do. Stay strong my dear, fight with me!)
You're gonna be wrapped so bad I kinda feel sorry for you already.

Mengidam 2.0

Mengidam SSC dengan intensity yang sangat tak kelakar.
Tak payah wcssc, dapat stork or orbit kat fsot pun jadi la.
Tak tau kenapa.
Nak sangat-sangat back carry Hilwa.
Padahal tak sedar diri tgh bleeding.
Well, spotting la to be more specific.
It's just brown discharge with the occasional drop or two of red blood.
Pergi scan semalam baby still ada heartbeat & was moving around.
Tp Dr Ida dah hint-hint tak kasi even dukung Hilwa.
Gila ke apa
I'm on medication, but the spotting has yet to stop.
Sat-sat dia jadi light brown, sat-sat tengok keluar darah merah.
Lagi la emosi mak terganggu.
Asyik dok bukak fsot cari SSC la, squish-friendly wraps la, wcrs.
Sangat tak sedar diri takde duit & check up bills are piling up walhal baru 10 weeks.
30 weeks to go Lya,
Itu pun kalau Tuhan nak bagi rezeki.
Simpan duit tu.

Is this what people mean by micromanaging?

I think excel sheets comes naturally to me during pregnancy.
Excel sheets calms me,
Shushes the many voices in my head, all speaking of different things, all at once.
It enables me to focus & prioritise,
& most importantly, allows me to just glimpse through my life without having to unearth too many things.
When I was carrying Hilwa, I had to do it for work.
From a jumble of words I didn't even understand in many columns & rows,
That thing became part of me.
It's funny how that recs file, which during my time was the epitome of 'boy are you in so much trouble', is the thing that I look back to in affection now.
It meant I always had something to do at work, rather than pretending to be busy when times are slow (or when I am just plain lazy).
I would sit down on my uncomfortable 'ergonomic' chair & the hours just pass by & best of all, I would be able to tune out any thoughts, any aches & pains, even the discomfort.
Except for the occasional jump when Hilwa kicks me so hard that my colleagues would go "you jangan beranak kat sini please".
So what do I do now that I am house arrested, especially during the hours where Hilwa naps/sleeps?
Especially after yesterday when I was constantly hounded by the fear that there won't be a tomorrow.
Every time I fed Hilwa, or she smiled at me,
I couldn't help but think "what if this is the last time?".
I swear when you become a mother you don't even think about losing your children,
Because the more frightening thing is for them to lose you.
Let's face it, we mother's are vain that way.
Anyways, thank god for excel sheets.
I am currently over planning my Sydney trip it's not even funny.
Right now my main focus is transportation.
What bus, how much, how long, which station (& streetviewing them).
I think next I'm going to do meals,
Precisely what can we cook & take with us for our outings,
Including groceries needed, recipes, prep time etc.
I have a feeling I'm going to look back at this excel sheet with an even greater pride.
Sydney in 3.5 months!
I'm not even thinking about the 8-hour flight, can you believe it?

Reminder.

When Allah decides to give you a reminder.
I don't think this qualifies as a test,
Just a gentle reminder from Him.
This morning I was woken up with the news that an old friend has passed away.
I've known her since primary school,
I was even close to her at some point.
Cycling to her house,
Her birthday parties,
Spending recess time with her.
The last time I met her I was still pregnant with Hilwa,
& she has just finished her confinement after delivering her first child.
That means that poor kid is only a few months Hilwa's senior.
I just can't imagine.
I haven't been able to stop thinking of the baby since.
May Allah grant her family strength.
& on the other hand, another friend of mine is fighting her biggest battle right at this moment.
Due to some complications (& we didn't even know she's been warded since 2 weeks ago)
She has been induced but has been stuck at 2 cm since last night.
She has been given epidural & has her water bag broken,
& worse, the news that she mind have to go through a csec if things don't progress well.
Tak senang duduk harini.
The news of life & death.
Bila Tuhan nak mengigatkan..
Jangan sampai Tuhan uji betul-betul.
All I can do is pray,
For strength,
For Him to ease all matters,
For peace of mind.
Moga semuanya sentiasa dirahmati dan dikasihi Allah.

"Patient GDM on diet control".

I lost count of the number of times I heard the above sentence throughout my pregnancy & labour with Hilwa.
If only they knew the 'diet control' only happened on days I needed to go do the 2-hourly glucose test thing lol.
Regardless,
This time I know I got off on a really bad start.
I was pretty much on a strictly-all-mcd diet a few months before conceiving.
Mcd every night after Ikhwan comes home for work.
& sometimes for lunch & dinner too.
I didn't even feel the kgs piling on til I stepped on the scale in Dr Ida's office & it proudly showed 59.7.
Beautiful.
It's the heaviest I've ever been outside of pregnancy ever.
& that time I was only 5 weeks pregnant so who am I to kid that the extra 3.7 kg was pregnancy weight?
I freaked out, started cutting down on sugar & desserts,
Started (trying) to control the timing & size of my meals,
Even started going for walks with Hilwa in the evening.
Two weeks later when I went for my follow up, it was a nice 60.6.
Criesssss.
But right now I swear to God I don't know whether it's the mengidam phase or just withdrawals,
But boy do I crave for everything!
I feel like writing it all down as it happens, maybe whatsapp to Ikhwan so there's the time stamp to see how rapidly it changes.
It goes from pasta to tempura to sashimi to nasi kandar to masak lemak cili api to burger ramly to spicy chicken mcdeluxe to god knows what else.
& my mouth just won't stop watering!
You know when it's the worst?
When I'm praying.
Like I can barely even recite the Fatihah properly coz there's a tsunami of saliva in my mouth.
It's so disturbing.
My next check up is in a week & a half time,
I'm so not looking forward to the scale.
I know looking back at the whole experience of having Hilwa, I can laugh about how everyone overreacted with the whole gdm thing.
I mean, she came out weighing 2.9 kg when they we're expecting a 3++ baby.
(& this 'gdm patient on diet control' was having chocolate ice blended at work coz Dan was buying so why not right?)
But you don't expect to get lucky the second time around.
& both my sister & SIL had a 3.4++ second baby.
I can say I know where I'm heading with this one.
Haihh..
I know Allah hears what's in my heart & what I pray for every single day.
I just have to start seriously doing something about it,
Then we can talk about tawakal.

Simpan rahsia.

I'm pregnant.
That's what I found out in December.
Kalau tak silap it was on 11th Dec,
Sebab masa tu Wan dah nak balik & I remember telling her only when she created the new whatsapp group with her kl num
"Babe, this is what you missed..." *insert gambar cliche pregnancy test 2 calit*
Somewhere there, malas nak check said picture.
Not important.
What's important is I'm pregnant.
First thought?
To be perfectly honest, was "I need to buy a stretchy wrap".
Then it was all out panic "shit I'm supposed to wait til Hilwa is 2. MY NURSE WILL KILL ME!".
I have yet to talk to my nurse.
Tapi Dr Ida's reaction was very close to 'meh.'
She told me that made me 50% more likely to get gdm again.
Something I already knew, regardless if I waited no time or 10 years.
Aku anak mama, mama diabetic, aku diabetic.
Cepat ke lambat je kan.
(But based on nafsu makan sejak duamenjak ni, nampak macam cepat rather than lambat la lol).
I don't even know why I'm writing this here.
Rasa macam takde point nak rahsia2 bagai.
Both my families & my closest friends already know.
It's only 7 weeks, tapi rasa macam dah lama.
But august feels so soon suddenly.
What with the Sydney trip.
Haih.. 2015 banyak pakai duit ni.
Anyways,
Expect rants & the occasional light bulb moments.
Or maybe complete silence.
We'll see.

2014.

2014 recap post totally slipped my mind, what with Hilwa having fever & Wan's wedding.
But what's there to recap anyways?
2014 was just watching Hilwa grow day by day,
Waiting for her teeth to come out (nope, still no signs),
& endlessly chasing her around as she slowly learns to run further from me.
Trips were kept to within Malaysia.
The nearer the better, Hilwa hates the car seat.
& October (I think) onwards was the John/Hank/Vlogbrothers craze.
I would touch on the tragedies that happened, but everyone has done so.
All I can do is keep praying Allah keeps my family safe always.
2014 didn't end without one last surprise for me too.
But thats for 2015 to deal with.
Gosh when you have a child everything is such a blur.
& that's how I foresee the next year is going to be too.
A massive rush of moments.