i didn't think i could be more obsessed about weddings & the idea of marriage,

but i am now. obsessed.

it could be the dream;

it could be kak fara's kenduri just now;

or it could simply be the fact that our families, unofficially, were the first people to help push this dream into the right direction,

gave it a kickstart, more like.

& i kind of just realized it.

i'm just... excited.

3 weeks to go.

three weeks to go,

dengan jumlah cuti yang makin bertambah.

especially lepas drama "di dalam" petang tadi,

aku makin bersemangat nak habiskan internship ni & "forever goodbye".

two nights ago (was it?) i said some things that kononnya deeeeep at that time,

but honestly i thought it was just bullcrap,

said untuk menenangkan hati sendiri & make myself go to sleep.

but thinking back,

with the fact that proposal due lagi 4, 5 hari & aku sedang blogging sekarang,

i'm kinda relieved.

whatever i'll get from this sem, alhamdulillah.

(tapi nak pass la taknak la alhamdulillah kepada fail)

at this point i just want to get it over & done with.

aku nak kahwin je wei.

(semalam wa mimpi kahwin, walaupun kenduri hampeh & bouquet wa fake, tetap manis weh)

apo lagi nak dikato?

sekarang ni semua post pasal kerja.

betul la cakap kakak aku,

aku ni dah workaholic.

4 weeks to go.

tadi punya tak mau start,

(actually bukan tadi je. dari bulan lepas lagi bukan main liat)

sekarang dah too worked up to sleep pulak.

memang tak masuk akal tulis proposal research yang bertemakan real property,

dengan berpandukan report yang bertemakan green technologies.

tapi nak buat macam mana, itu yang paling hampir.

tapi yang menyakitkan hati is bila baca balik report sem lepas tu,

sebab,

bukan nak bangga diri,

tapi wondering the how la jugak macam mana boleh karang ayat sedemikian rupa.

tambah-tambah part background of the study tu.

untuk yang real property ni, baru 3 sentence dah cam.. oookay macam terabur had mana dulu had mana kendian niii.

& not to mention rasa diri makin bodoh.

benda yang dulu celah gigi boleh jawap,

sekarang nak kena tanya google.

tak jumpa pulak tu.

ni satu part yang aku tak suka bila kerja la.

the part where apa kau belajar dulu last-last tak pakai

(haha sapa suruh intern sebagai company secretary)

haih.

yang penting sekarang, intern tinggal lagi 4 minggu,

selasa cuti kerana pergi jumpa advisor

(mintak-mintak Tuhan bagi hidayah dekat dia untuk berlagak jadi advisor dalam erti kata sebenar & bukan seorang tooott yang mintak bukan-bukan lepas tu buat aku rasa macam orang paling bodoh dalam dunia)

& juga rabu ni serta isnin 2 minggu lagi cuti umum yeay 1malaysia berbagai bangsa terbaik.

haih.

kenapa kali ni blog aku bunyi macam typical blogger melayu yang konon baku dan comel-comel?

menyampah.

i feel like reading.

i just don't know what.

& i don't understand how people can say working makes one miss studying.

the fuck?

any of you who misses studying so much,

you can, by all means, do my research for me.

uh huh.

bet you never thought about the existence of assignments & tests while you're "missing" uni life.

i am currently at a crossroad in my life.

& it's really not that weird for someone who's in my position,

& at this phase of life.

but i've caught myself wondering,

countless of times,

not whether i would prefer that job to this one,

& that fat paycheck to this one.

rather,

whether i'd want to go through life as any random person would tell me to,

wake up in the morning, work to earn a living, go home tired as hell to a lavish house & just sleep,

or to feel.

& it's amazing that this realization finally materialized only when triggered by such a simple thought,

of a friend who passed away almost 5 years ago.

if i ever went to see a therapist,

he/she would be so proud of me right now.

for going through the friend's birthday without even so much as one depressing thought,

for not having hauntingly vivid dreams anymore,

for being able to go through life as a normal, scarless person.

yet the lessons i learnt,

the moments of emotions (whichever they may be) so passionate that it's almost tangible,

the sleepless nights,

the puffy eyes,

the sweet, sweet lingering dreams,

are gone too.

if anything,

dealing with this friend's death has brought me the closest i've ever been to Allah.

& now,

well,

like i said;

to live,

or to feel?

post 500 yang kena perli.

bila tersalah tekan huruf "e",

dan chrome terus 'fill-in-the-spot' dengan 'emeraldinsight.com'.

fuck.

kau pun pandai perli aku kan?

ye la aku insaf ok?

insafla sangat.

by the way,

5 weeks to go!

dengan cuti deepavali serta raya korban yang akan memotong bilangan hari bekerja.

bring it on!

double H.

the internet is actually failing me.

arghh.

lack of information,

coupled with little tickling hints here & there is driving me up. the. wall.

one thing's for sure, though.

but i want to be sure of everything!

shitz!

this is one part of music i really, really hate.

the part where i cheat on matt.

& ikhwan, of course :P

Rockaway 2011 081011

i'm still mamai,

but going back to sleep would mean missing diba's wedding.

tekak macam berpasir,

tapi badan tak sakit.

not yet kot.

the whole of yesterday i kept getting lines randomly crossing my mind,

i needed to blog.

tapi sekarang, biasalah, muse dah hilang.

so i will try my best to do yesterday justice.

rockaway was,

eye opening, first & foremost.

i told ikhwan last night, there's 2 kinds of high that can come after a concert.

one, where your favourite band plays all the right songs & delivers,

two, where you watch random unknown bands & falls in love with music itself,

& # two is the high that conquered the whole day.

kudos to busco & kyoto protocol!

i am officially angau with them.

& of course deja voodoo spells, though this can't really be classified as an unknown band to me.

makin hari wa makin bangga mengaku wa follow ainol dari zaman kristal dulu.

see, i can spot talent even when i was 12/13 :D

then a rock fest turned into.. so much.

a life changing experience,

a near death experience,

a rain fest, too.

i can now proudly say i was two rows (minus the abang-abang rela of course) away from bert,

before being crushed almost to death, that is.

i lost half my phone (yes, half) in the riot,

had a man with really hairy legs fly over my head (in no way would i support you crowd surfing, mister),

& realized that, no, i'm not the one taking care of imara anymore.

this one role has switched.

i guess the moment when i panicked the most was,

not when i got separated from imara & kina because of that stupid dude with the hairy legs,

but when i saw the fierceness in imara's face, shoving everyone away, not leaving unless i'm leaving with her.

she then, after i ducked back under the pakcik, punched & shoved everyone in her way until we reached the back of the crowd,

oh oxigen.

clean, fresh, breathable oxigen.

& then it fucking rained to the used,

& the night was epic.

& i just realized we totally forgot to camwhore soaking wet. lolz.

the greatest songs ever written, in order:

1. the bird & the worm
2. take it away
3. listening
4. i caught fire (in your eyes) - hell fucking yes
5. hospital
6. taste of ink - hell fucking yes fucking hell yesss
7. all that i've got
8. best of me
9. pretty handsome awkward
10. maybe memories
11. (encore) on my own

on & did i mention we were there from 1.30pm til it ended? :D

get over it already.

one very prominent advantage about being a stalker (of some sort),

bila hati dah mula lembut,

mula sesal,

mula terasa diri jahat tahap.. tahap apa pun aku tak tahu.

stalking shall enable one to discover unknown facts,

get annoyed,

& move on,

for the next 4 months more or less.

terima kasih facebook :D

i've been reduced to counting down days. 33.

there's a big lump in my throat.

between feeling guilty of yet another mother-sponsored unnecessary purchase,

& also the guilt of still being stubborn enough to not let the mother (who sponsored that purchase, let me remind you) have the laptop for the week,

& not wanting with all my heart & soul to start on the research proposal,

(& the guilt of not actually doing the research proposal after not letting the mother have the laptop),

& also feeling like i bit off more than i can chew with the research,

what with everything persistently sounding illogical in my head,

& just not having a clear, straight path to follow.

yet.

the magical moment happened while i was scribbling down white noise on paper,

that was when i heard the 'ding-ding-ding' of a topic i'm actually interested in enough to follow through with.

but that's all that's been happening.

the process that should follow,

that should keep the 'ding-ding-ding' ringing,

is too.. heavy? difficult? 'leceh' is the word i'm looking for actually.

i've been jumping around between so many sample sizes,

& data sources,

even considered changing my topic (& the possibility of being nagged to death. god i really shouldn't be saying stuff about my advisor here).

i know all i have to do is just start writing the proposal.

once everything is down on paper,

submitted,

approved,

outlined (that path i'm looking for. straight & clear, remember?),

i would have no choice but to go on.

i should start.

that's all.

i probably feel too much for my own good.

& the used is actually depressing me right now.

i hate that they're indirectly linked to some thoughts & memories i prefer not to dwell on.

i hate that i feel lost everytime i picture myself at the upcoming concert.

i hate that nothing's planned out yet.

i am actually bordering on forcing myself to listen to their stuff,

just to get hyped up.

what. the. fuck.

& honestly i wanted to talk about something totally different.

i can't focus.

shit this song is actually good.

lolz.

while we're at it,

i'm so not in the mood to even think about my research.

& it's officially 3rd of october so happy first year anniversary to andy! :D

oh & i hope they play older songs this saturday.

it's where all the good feelings are.

artwork is just.. hostile.