2015.

I'm gonna start this post by saying how absolutely freaked out I am over my period.
I'm like borderline fainting at the sight of my own blood hurr.
It's no joke really, I just spent most of the last 3 years either pregnant, breastfeeding or even both.
Ok I totally skipped the bleeding out after birth part.
Maybe that's the problem.
Bleeding out after birth came with the postnatal aches & pains.
There's even the stitches to kinda explain the blood.
Yeah so right now my brain is like.. I'm bleeding by why am I not in pain lol.
Hurghh it's to soon to be getting my period.
It took almost a year after I gave birth to Hilwa.
It's only been 4 months since I delivered Izzaz.
Omg I'm freaking out over my period. Publicly.
Aaanyways. 2015.
I was beginning to piece together a recap post since a few days ago when I began wondering, why should I recap?
Everything's posted here anyways, just go read you lazy ass.
I think this recap thing was started by my younger self trying to justify that each year she lived was awesome.
Like there had to be at least 10 different awesome moments or occasions that happened in the year to remember it by.
Well guess what, young Hilyah,
In 2015, you got denggi, you went to Sydney, & you gave birth. Again.
There were no parties, no love you/broke up with you drama,
But there were a lot of trips though, during which you severely judged how nice a hotel bathroom is & spent most of the time ordering room service then sleeping when the babies napped.
So Alhamdulillah for another year where I am healthy & alive,
Where my husband is healthy, alive & employed,
& all of my family - my kids, both sets of parents, both sets of siblings, my nieces & nephews - are all alive & healthy.
& that is all that matters.
If there was one thing about 2015, it's that I never thought I'd be able to say 'my kids'.
I have children guys. Not just a child.
Children.
So here's to 2016 & taking life a day at a time, impatiently waiting for the kids to grow up & stop being annoying lol.

New (old) fave band alert omg I have a new (old) fave band at 27.

I remember clearly that particular moment in my 17th year of life.
I was backing out of a parking lot near jasema makan when Fall Out Boy came on hitz.fm & I emergency braked.
Must've been Sugar We're Going Down or something.
I don't remember coz I either changed the channel or switched off the radio immediately.
Yes I'm that dramatic lol.
& right then I swore off Fall Out Boy for going mainstream.
True enough though, shortly after that everyone in school started worshipping them.
& Pete Wentz married Ashlee Simpson & went all Justin Bieber pretty much.
So not my style.
It's been 10 years since (oh wow perspective),
The only song I've allowed myself is I Don't Care, apart from their first two albums demo whatever.
& it was exactly that that I was craving for.
I Don't Care.
I don't keep songs in my phone, it wasn't in my mp3 & I was too lazy to switch on my laptop.
So I turned to YouTube, which then suggested a playlist of their 50 best songs or something.
& well, fast forward a few days & here I am finding pleasure after shuffled pleasure through their entire discography on my mp3 player.
I gotta say, I'm glad I quit them cold turkey back then.
I'm not proud of the majority of memories I have post-spm right up to the day I got married, but those memories are probably the most colourful, intense ones I have.
My guilty pleasures if you will.
& they're all tied to one song or another,
Sometimes even complete albums or bands.
So I can't quite listen to pretty much everything in my mp3 player without reminiscing.
Except for Fall Out Boy now.
I'm not gonna over analyze them right now,
Whether they've kept to or strayed from their original style,
If they've gone full on pop or dubstep or whatever,
What matters is it's good.
All of it so far. All good.
So imma let it jive guiltlessly with my soul right now.
Dear 17 year old Hilyah, you did good for once.
High five!

Full on whiny post ahead.

I recently read an article someone shared on fb titled along the lines of 'why a mother kills her own kids'.
I never got the answer from that article though,
It was more about listing out actual cases of mothers who killed her kid(s).
Well right now I'm gonna actually tell you why a mother would kill her kids.
Because she's effing tired.
Because she effing has had enough.
Because she was the first to wake up & the last to sleep.
& even when she gets to sleep, she does so on her side, uncomfortably, because her 2 kids are pressing onto her from both sides.
& then she gets woken up every hour because they want to feed,
Sometimes even both at once.
Because she can't remember the last time she got to savour her meal, eating in peace & without being interrupted/having to rush.
Then there are days that go so well,
Managed to squeeze in an hour at the park, baby slept through dinner allowing mama to eat well & feed kakak who was cooperating by eating well too,
& mama gets home thinking she will finally get a peaceful night for a movie or something,
When baby refuses to settle down, start making noises, wake kakak up, then baby falls asleep, now kakak is up watching videos on her stupid phone, interrupting baby's sleep.
Yes all that, & so much more,
& I myself am surprised I haven't killed both of my kids.
Oh I've thought of it a lot.
I could be working, earning good money for me to spend on myself,
Buying whatever I fancy this month,
A nice car, a house.
I wouldn't have to worry what tasteless food to cook today that would make a picky eater eat a proper meal,
I can wear nice, expensive bras instead of ugly cotton nursing ones.
& I can buy whatever top I fancy instead of being confined to only those that has button down the front.
Having that said, though, mothers will choose to kill her kids not because she's selfish.
She can't bear the idea of her kids not having their mother to look after them,
Not getting their mother's milk,
Not having a mother to put them to sleep at night,
Having to burden other people with the task of raising her kids.
No, she couldn't kill herself.
The thought of her dying in an accident, an illness, terrifies the crap out of her.
So the easier way is to kill them lol.
One thing motherhood has taught me is now when I see news of mothers who kill their (seemingly innocent) kids,
The first thing that crosses my mind is 'what on earth did that little devil do to make mama snap?'
& I feel only pity for her.
Now I hope I don't ever snap,
Because this post alone is enough evidence to throw me in jail right lol

Ok that was a terrifyingly morbid post.
It's ok, I know this phase will only last a maximum of 3 years for me.
I just have to chill & keep reminding myself that killing my kids won't result in me being able to afford a nice house.
Serving life in prison is so not worth it.