the obligatory post with the obligatory work rant.

i can safely say if i were to print out my report now,
i'd be very happy with how it looks.
the contents, however,
would definitely grant me a fail.
how can people say they hate doing formatting & referencing?
I LOVE THOSE PARTS!
i hate writing out stuff that requires thinking.
no. actually i don't really hate writing out stuff that requires thinking.
i'm doing that now.
what i hate is having to back everything that i say with some journal/report/statistics published by some worthy source.
maybe i should start marketing myself as a freelance formatter/referencer.
now that's a job i'd definitely love.

anyways, it's already Dec 31st.
i haven't been paying that much attention to the whole new year thing.
i remember last year through out December,
i was so worrying about what i would write in my recap post & whatnot.
this definitely proves the whole 'life is a journey of growing up' thing.
worrying about a recap post?
seriously, bitch?
well this year i am still worrying about writing.
my research, that is.
though, i did spend some time thinking of the year as a whole,
& kind of realized that 2011 will be somewhat like 2008 for me,
forgotten, nothing special, no highlights.
i seriously cannot remember any significant things about 2008.
well yeah i know this year i had a lot of fun (& a lot of work) during my final semester,
the melaka trip,
then internship
celebrating my first year anniversary with Ikhwan,
& getting a job.
but i have a feeling 2012's going to steal most of the spotlight.
what with officially graduating only in January,
& actually starting the job,
convocation,
& some other things that i'm very much excited & can't stop blabbing about,
but i have to stop to not jinx it.
so here's to 2012.
the end of the world?
if it happens after september, then i'd welcome it happily insyaallah.

December 25th, 2011.

you want to know what procrastination actually is?
it's the heart's secret desire..
..believing that magic will happen,
& come the day of submission, the work will be miraculously done.
well, at least that's what i feel.

christmas was awesome, btw.
though all this ridiculousness about wishing it & celebrating it being syirik & whatnot,
it really spoils things.
yes, i am a muslim.
in fact, both on the way to & back from my aunt's house we stopped for prayers.
my cousin even asked at around 3 something whether we needed to perform our prayers.
yes, she remembers, & she's concerned.
so what is wrong with the fact that it so happens every 25th of december our family gathers & have lunch together?
they take the trouble to come over for raya.
every. single. year.
first thing in the morning.
& i believe family is a very important entity in any religious teachings.
it's not like i (or any muslims for that matter) went to midnight mass.

on to the third topic,
which is death.
i could go on about the things that i noticed & i thought of through out this day,
& coming home to news that someone so loved (not by me, though. never knew him ever) has passed on.
i could say it brought out all the old feelings, & fears.
i could say i understand exactly what's going on.
but i wont.
because its unnecessary.
just Al-Fatihah.
that's all.

this mental problem of mine.

i just realized i have 3 (or is it more?) classics that i've bought but haven't read.
& that one of them isn't even a lime green one.
gosh it would so ruin the collection!
now i'm bothered by it.
by the fact i keep buying them but not reading them.
& by the fact that now they're mismatched.
urgh.

i'm saying this here instead of twitter because i can't fit everything into 140 characters.
well, i'm too lazy to even try.
but i suppose if i were really to fail this research thing,
it will be just like failing a subject right?
because the industrial training part is a whole other subject,
not related whatsoever.
(let's just pray i don't fail that one though).
so i guess if i really did fail this research,
i can just retake it while working next sem lah right?
minimum 8 times jumpa advisor,
spend all night & weekends writing out shit.
i guess that's possible.
imma sleep.
i can't deal with this right now.

kacau.

rasa rindu dengan zaman kanak-kanak.
no, this is not the typical "i'm growing up & learning about responsibilities" kind of rant.
aku rindu dengan the innocence of childhood.
i don't know about you, but when i was small i saw things as black & white.
yang hitam itu dosa, yang putih itu pahala.
no greys, no other fucking colours.
start dapat period, start solat penuh.
kalau lambat sikit nak solat, tau waktu dah makin suntuk, rasa jiwa menggelupur.
sekarang? keluar dari sebelum zohor, balik dah nak masuk isya,
ada rasa apa-apa? tak.
jadi jangan merungut jiwa rasa kosong, hilyah.
jangan merungut tidur malam tak lena.
kalau solat yang lima minit satu waktu, lima waktu satu hari tak boleh nak jaga,
jangankan suami, jangankan keluarga.

so i was reading the friends wiki page,

& came across a fact where they originally casted courtney cox as rachel

& jennifer aniston as monica.

unthinkingly, i pictured courtney cox & david schwimmer together as ross & rachel,

& automatically my brain screamed out "incest!"

does the fact that i'm blogging about this make me a very pathetic person?

i'm feeling very yao ming right now.

cats, you give me nothing, you.

what's so scary about sleep?

it's either the dreams that's been plaguing me,

(4 nights, or days actually since i sleep after 7am, in a row now, you)

or the disappointment of waking up,

(still the dream, it is)

if that thing is true,

that when you dream of a person then he/she misses you being a psychological fact,

then you must really miss me.

but given the fact you don't even know i exist

(safe one, or three, tweets, highly disregarded)

i say that's just crap.

ooh & what do we have here,

The Parent Trap has finished downloading!

time to dim the lights & get under the covers.

if only the night isn't this hot.

(i would tag this post as musicians, rather than music, to be more accurate but that's totally unnecessary)

Moments (mine)

of a friendship since '99,

on & off it may be,

but it sure did last.

of SIRR,

& rock shows with fiery lighting that hurts your eye,

of a sticker that says XVII:XXXV on my dashboard,

of red velvet cupcakes,

of wondermilk,

of chatime,

of tarik jeans,

of inappropriate movies,

with inappropriate songs,

& of course, of creating new memories meanwhile,

of burgers (because i'm too darn hungry),

of a wasted power walk session,

of everything that's been happening,

since rockaway?

since the album launch?

since 25th august 2010?

since the beginning of time.

every single thing that has brought me here,

to this very moment.

i'm just typing as i go,

i don't even know what i want to say really.

#RoseveltAlbumLaunch

dah mula dah.

menggelabah tak tahu mana nak tuju.

the typical, all-so-familiar post-gig angauness.

tidak sihat.

ulang suara.

tidak sihat.

XVII:XXXV

seperti the kardashian sisters suka kata, bible,

tapi aku kena cipta word baru ni, nak kasi sopan sikit,

maka,

fakta: harini pecah dara tak pernah masuk club

tapi dara tak pernah clubbing masih terpelihara, sekianterimakasih.

feelings are feelings because it can't be defined, can't be explained.

& that's what makes it beautiful.

it's truly yours.

who's to say what you're feeling isn't right?

who's to say what you're feeling isn't what you should be feeling.

can they honestly say they know how you feel?

& can you honestly say you know how they feel?

you can't.

you can only feel.

close my eyes & go back to the time when i held yours in mine.

walking around in circles, it's getting smaller & smaller.

somehow i always know when the time comes for you to leave.

it always start fuzzy, & i'll feel detached.

then it grows clearer & more significant.

but it's too late, the circle's getting smaller.

& there i was, in a familiar living room, with familiar people,

though very odd company,

& they're looking at me as though they understand what i lost,

what i feel.

they don't.

Angelina.

looking through beautiful pottery,

i realized how much i am like my grandmother.

or maybe i'm just reminded of her by weird things,

such as those blue & white classic all england looking tea sets,

& english rose talcum.

i should go find me some.

the rose talcum that is.

tea sets i can't quite afford,

yet.

i always find myself wanting to write about this,

but once i get to the new post page, i'd take a long pause.

there's really no way to say things like this subtly.

even thinking about writing it out scares me.

because he makes me aware of how fragile life actually is.

all it takes is less than a second

to lose someone.

i've been typing out sentences & erasing them over & over again,

i still feel like i'm giving out too much.

i don't want to give out at all.

i want to keep it all to myself.

to hell with the fact i might not remember anything because i never did write them down.

life is about growing up,

& progressing,

not being stuck in one phase forever.

it's funny how monica & chandler are teaching me so much.

i hate not being able to call you.

i hate not being able to call you.

i hate not being able to call you.

i hate not being able to call you.

that is all.

i just realized i indirectly quoted Sunan.

"sebagai manusia, aku sayang padamu".

i love you.

as a human being, i do.

post ini ditujukan khas kepada semua yang membaca.

tiada kaitan dengan yang hidup mahupun mati,

serta siri novel bagaikan puteri,

& especially sebuah conversation yang berlangsung di ah hong.

hihu.

it's a wrap

we're actually done.

& the emotions i've been having since this morning is unexpected,

& surprising.

the most prominent being fear of this unemployment.

fear of not having somewhere i need to be come monday morning.

my sister was so right when she said i'm a workaholic.

haha anyways more on this later.

i gotta go digest everthing.

"miles & worlds apart, yet they are a lot the same than they are different"

word by word,

by heart,

it's strange how things get stuck to you,

how things turn out.

4 days to go.

four days to go.

that is if sabtu tak perlu masuk office dah lah.

reality hidup makin nampak.

seperti browse through jobstreet serta jobsdb dan rasa sesak nafas.

seperti conversation dengan mamanda & kakaknda pasal warna tema wedding & duit savings.

honestly the latter should by typed out before the former.

sebab tak ada benda lain yang aku nampak lepas habis internship ni,

selain dapat green light untuk kahwin, finally.

& buat masa macam sekarang,

patutnya dah tidur pukul 11 tadi (sekali sekala bagi badan cukup rehat)

tapi otak seperti tak mahu,

seperti rasa sunyi,

seperti kosong dan lapang kiri kanan,

(carik laki la tu derr)

no no aku bukan sangap.

cuma mungkin dah bosan dengan silence.

(tapi rasanya ikhwan tidur takde berdengkur).

so kali ni ubah topic.

dari asyik kerja, kerja, kerja,

kita cakap pasal kahwin.

doa duit gugur dari langit.

amin.

1 week to go.

last week of internship starts tomorrow.

finally.

i'm honestly sick of all the drama & the annoyance of work.

but on the other hand,

especially now after i've browsed through jobstreet just to get the feel of it,

i'm kinda nervous about what life might bring in the future.

the thing about minc is that you absolutely can't bring work out,

so when office hours ends, it ends.

& i guess that, above all other, is the most important thing to me.

i am sick of homework.

no more.

kalau lepas ni pergi interview nak tanya soalan-soalan pelik macam ni boleh tak?

seperti perlukah saya bawak kerja balik?

seperti adakah orang akan boo saya kalau punch out on time?

seperti sabtu kena kerjakah?

because honestly, i'm only considering work for the money.

not those career-building, life-fulfilling shit.

i was born to start a family bitches.

that's all.

eh merepek panjang pulak.

so here's to, InsyaAllah dengan selamat & sempurnanya, finishing internship!

proposal dah submit.

lega sikit.

20 markah dah tak boleh tarik balik however it goes.

yes lega.

& sebagai reward untuk diri sendiri,

subang seringgit beserta avril lavigne's when you're gone versi live acoustic yang masuk menusuk,

juga luahan rasa hati seseorang ini

macam chicken soup for the soul,

macam tu lah.

Candle

i'm trying to sum up this morning without sounding too mushy,

or downright freaky.

yes,

girls will always be girls,

we grew up together since god knows how old,

i used to probably spend more time at her place than at mine.

i slept there too, countless nights.

& what did we do?

talk about guys & love & more guys,

just like this morning.

all that changed was the level of seriousness,

& perhaps i can say maturity.

you,

& everything you are,

& everything your family stands for,

inspire me.

dari dulu sampai sekarang, sumpah.

let's just pray things turn out how we both want it to be.

thank you for the years & years of friendship

sent with the wind.

you can't kid your heart.

if it once loved,

it will forever love.

how much, how little, how strong, how faint,

it will be there,

stirred by the simplest things.

such as four letters,

a C,

an S,

an A,

a V.

& i could easily write this someplace else,

but i guess i kind of want you to know that tonight,

you're in my mind,

accompanied by good thoughts.

hope you are well.

flashbacks (the good kind)

setakat jam 1408, this 3rd of november has been a rather unexpected one.

good kind of unexpected.

walaupun aku masih belum buat kerja

(tapi kita ketepikan buat waktu ni)

i actually had a whole reminisce session yang langsung tak melibatkan character-character yang sepatutnya terlibat.

to elaborate further,

taman tun hujan lebat,

& time aku tengah lunch dengan penuh enak dekat pokok cherry,

i saw two primary school kids (kakak dengan adik lelaki kot) jalan balik rumah dalam hujan,

taking their own sweet time,

enjoying the rain,

& it brought flashbacks of form 2 & the various mandi hujan moments we had at school,

primarily that random mandi hujan dengan full school uniform lepas tu masuk kelas sambung belajar macam takde pape belaku.

nice.

it's actually almost 10 years ago.

rasa macam baru 2, 3 tahun lepas.

atau mungkin minggu lepas.

damn, rindu.

fynn,

kau better kawin cepat supaya anak kita sebaya.

aku nak paksa dorang pergi sekolah pagi-pagi usha lelaki,

ponteng kelas lepak dalam kelas kosong,

mandi hujan bila perlu,

& basically be all lesbian with each other.

please?

:D

berangan #2937

i probably just died.

BHLDN

and somehow, eventhough i died, this will haunt me for the rest of my life.

haih.

nak kahwin memakai cincin ni :(

i didn't think i could be more obsessed about weddings & the idea of marriage,

but i am now. obsessed.

it could be the dream;

it could be kak fara's kenduri just now;

or it could simply be the fact that our families, unofficially, were the first people to help push this dream into the right direction,

gave it a kickstart, more like.

& i kind of just realized it.

i'm just... excited.

3 weeks to go.

three weeks to go,

dengan jumlah cuti yang makin bertambah.

especially lepas drama "di dalam" petang tadi,

aku makin bersemangat nak habiskan internship ni & "forever goodbye".

two nights ago (was it?) i said some things that kononnya deeeeep at that time,

but honestly i thought it was just bullcrap,

said untuk menenangkan hati sendiri & make myself go to sleep.

but thinking back,

with the fact that proposal due lagi 4, 5 hari & aku sedang blogging sekarang,

i'm kinda relieved.

whatever i'll get from this sem, alhamdulillah.

(tapi nak pass la taknak la alhamdulillah kepada fail)

at this point i just want to get it over & done with.

aku nak kahwin je wei.

(semalam wa mimpi kahwin, walaupun kenduri hampeh & bouquet wa fake, tetap manis weh)

apo lagi nak dikato?

sekarang ni semua post pasal kerja.

betul la cakap kakak aku,

aku ni dah workaholic.

4 weeks to go.

tadi punya tak mau start,

(actually bukan tadi je. dari bulan lepas lagi bukan main liat)

sekarang dah too worked up to sleep pulak.

memang tak masuk akal tulis proposal research yang bertemakan real property,

dengan berpandukan report yang bertemakan green technologies.

tapi nak buat macam mana, itu yang paling hampir.

tapi yang menyakitkan hati is bila baca balik report sem lepas tu,

sebab,

bukan nak bangga diri,

tapi wondering the how la jugak macam mana boleh karang ayat sedemikian rupa.

tambah-tambah part background of the study tu.

untuk yang real property ni, baru 3 sentence dah cam.. oookay macam terabur had mana dulu had mana kendian niii.

& not to mention rasa diri makin bodoh.

benda yang dulu celah gigi boleh jawap,

sekarang nak kena tanya google.

tak jumpa pulak tu.

ni satu part yang aku tak suka bila kerja la.

the part where apa kau belajar dulu last-last tak pakai

(haha sapa suruh intern sebagai company secretary)

haih.

yang penting sekarang, intern tinggal lagi 4 minggu,

selasa cuti kerana pergi jumpa advisor

(mintak-mintak Tuhan bagi hidayah dekat dia untuk berlagak jadi advisor dalam erti kata sebenar & bukan seorang tooott yang mintak bukan-bukan lepas tu buat aku rasa macam orang paling bodoh dalam dunia)

& juga rabu ni serta isnin 2 minggu lagi cuti umum yeay 1malaysia berbagai bangsa terbaik.

haih.

kenapa kali ni blog aku bunyi macam typical blogger melayu yang konon baku dan comel-comel?

menyampah.

i feel like reading.

i just don't know what.

& i don't understand how people can say working makes one miss studying.

the fuck?

any of you who misses studying so much,

you can, by all means, do my research for me.

uh huh.

bet you never thought about the existence of assignments & tests while you're "missing" uni life.

i am currently at a crossroad in my life.

& it's really not that weird for someone who's in my position,

& at this phase of life.

but i've caught myself wondering,

countless of times,

not whether i would prefer that job to this one,

& that fat paycheck to this one.

rather,

whether i'd want to go through life as any random person would tell me to,

wake up in the morning, work to earn a living, go home tired as hell to a lavish house & just sleep,

or to feel.

& it's amazing that this realization finally materialized only when triggered by such a simple thought,

of a friend who passed away almost 5 years ago.

if i ever went to see a therapist,

he/she would be so proud of me right now.

for going through the friend's birthday without even so much as one depressing thought,

for not having hauntingly vivid dreams anymore,

for being able to go through life as a normal, scarless person.

yet the lessons i learnt,

the moments of emotions (whichever they may be) so passionate that it's almost tangible,

the sleepless nights,

the puffy eyes,

the sweet, sweet lingering dreams,

are gone too.

if anything,

dealing with this friend's death has brought me the closest i've ever been to Allah.

& now,

well,

like i said;

to live,

or to feel?

post 500 yang kena perli.

bila tersalah tekan huruf "e",

dan chrome terus 'fill-in-the-spot' dengan 'emeraldinsight.com'.

fuck.

kau pun pandai perli aku kan?

ye la aku insaf ok?

insafla sangat.

by the way,

5 weeks to go!

dengan cuti deepavali serta raya korban yang akan memotong bilangan hari bekerja.

bring it on!

double H.

the internet is actually failing me.

arghh.

lack of information,

coupled with little tickling hints here & there is driving me up. the. wall.

one thing's for sure, though.

but i want to be sure of everything!

shitz!

this is one part of music i really, really hate.

the part where i cheat on matt.

& ikhwan, of course :P

Rockaway 2011 081011

i'm still mamai,

but going back to sleep would mean missing diba's wedding.

tekak macam berpasir,

tapi badan tak sakit.

not yet kot.

the whole of yesterday i kept getting lines randomly crossing my mind,

i needed to blog.

tapi sekarang, biasalah, muse dah hilang.

so i will try my best to do yesterday justice.

rockaway was,

eye opening, first & foremost.

i told ikhwan last night, there's 2 kinds of high that can come after a concert.

one, where your favourite band plays all the right songs & delivers,

two, where you watch random unknown bands & falls in love with music itself,

& # two is the high that conquered the whole day.

kudos to busco & kyoto protocol!

i am officially angau with them.

& of course deja voodoo spells, though this can't really be classified as an unknown band to me.

makin hari wa makin bangga mengaku wa follow ainol dari zaman kristal dulu.

see, i can spot talent even when i was 12/13 :D

then a rock fest turned into.. so much.

a life changing experience,

a near death experience,

a rain fest, too.

i can now proudly say i was two rows (minus the abang-abang rela of course) away from bert,

before being crushed almost to death, that is.

i lost half my phone (yes, half) in the riot,

had a man with really hairy legs fly over my head (in no way would i support you crowd surfing, mister),

& realized that, no, i'm not the one taking care of imara anymore.

this one role has switched.

i guess the moment when i panicked the most was,

not when i got separated from imara & kina because of that stupid dude with the hairy legs,

but when i saw the fierceness in imara's face, shoving everyone away, not leaving unless i'm leaving with her.

she then, after i ducked back under the pakcik, punched & shoved everyone in her way until we reached the back of the crowd,

oh oxigen.

clean, fresh, breathable oxigen.

& then it fucking rained to the used,

& the night was epic.

& i just realized we totally forgot to camwhore soaking wet. lolz.

the greatest songs ever written, in order:

1. the bird & the worm
2. take it away
3. listening
4. i caught fire (in your eyes) - hell fucking yes
5. hospital
6. taste of ink - hell fucking yes fucking hell yesss
7. all that i've got
8. best of me
9. pretty handsome awkward
10. maybe memories
11. (encore) on my own

on & did i mention we were there from 1.30pm til it ended? :D

get over it already.

one very prominent advantage about being a stalker (of some sort),

bila hati dah mula lembut,

mula sesal,

mula terasa diri jahat tahap.. tahap apa pun aku tak tahu.

stalking shall enable one to discover unknown facts,

get annoyed,

& move on,

for the next 4 months more or less.

terima kasih facebook :D

i've been reduced to counting down days. 33.

there's a big lump in my throat.

between feeling guilty of yet another mother-sponsored unnecessary purchase,

& also the guilt of still being stubborn enough to not let the mother (who sponsored that purchase, let me remind you) have the laptop for the week,

& not wanting with all my heart & soul to start on the research proposal,

(& the guilt of not actually doing the research proposal after not letting the mother have the laptop),

& also feeling like i bit off more than i can chew with the research,

what with everything persistently sounding illogical in my head,

& just not having a clear, straight path to follow.

yet.

the magical moment happened while i was scribbling down white noise on paper,

that was when i heard the 'ding-ding-ding' of a topic i'm actually interested in enough to follow through with.

but that's all that's been happening.

the process that should follow,

that should keep the 'ding-ding-ding' ringing,

is too.. heavy? difficult? 'leceh' is the word i'm looking for actually.

i've been jumping around between so many sample sizes,

& data sources,

even considered changing my topic (& the possibility of being nagged to death. god i really shouldn't be saying stuff about my advisor here).

i know all i have to do is just start writing the proposal.

once everything is down on paper,

submitted,

approved,

outlined (that path i'm looking for. straight & clear, remember?),

i would have no choice but to go on.

i should start.

that's all.

i probably feel too much for my own good.

& the used is actually depressing me right now.

i hate that they're indirectly linked to some thoughts & memories i prefer not to dwell on.

i hate that i feel lost everytime i picture myself at the upcoming concert.

i hate that nothing's planned out yet.

i am actually bordering on forcing myself to listen to their stuff,

just to get hyped up.

what. the. fuck.

& honestly i wanted to talk about something totally different.

i can't focus.

shit this song is actually good.

lolz.

while we're at it,

i'm so not in the mood to even think about my research.

& it's officially 3rd of october so happy first year anniversary to andy! :D

oh & i hope they play older songs this saturday.

it's where all the good feelings are.

artwork is just.. hostile.

sherwood dark green

Diba, one of my kadet friends, just texted me her wedding invitation,

so i'm in such a reminiscing mood.

the first thought of the sri rampai girls are always melaka 05,

& watching them finishing our gajet.

then it starts going backwards,

to titiwangsa 05 (pemilihan kem perdana),

to buka puasa klcc,

to sarjan 04 prcc sungkai,

to pusako 04,

& it goes back & forth & swims around.

i actually pondered on the idea of whether there's anyone in this world who has it all now that that person doesn't miss one thing about their past, at all.

why do we always miss our past?

i'm not saying i want to be sixteen all over again,

but it'd be nice..

i remember feeling super cool everytime i go to a kursus/event,

because there's all these people that i know,

& of course i need to mention the fact that i had a super hot scandal at that time muahahah,

flashback kawad zon 05, ketua platun terbaik, jejaka kacak angkat thumbs up, cincinkudijarinya kehkehkeh

but still..

everytime i think about it i actually feel amazed,

& thankful,

& proud of myself, yes i am.

so yes, on to the first wedding of the gang!

dammit blog pakai laptop abah takleh post gambar.

last friday came & went without much fanfare.

fanfare is actually a weird word to be used to describe it,

but i can't think much right now.

all i know is, fanfare-less last friday is good.

though a lot of it is due to mind control, & making self ignorant,

but parts of it was genuine, the ignorance.

i'm tired of counting down days/weeks to the end of practical.

i am kind of afraid, kind of excited,

afraid of losing the momentum,

afraid of facing reality, working life, for good,

but excited for some more days of waking up late,

& staying up late,

worryless.

i remember having more things to write about at odd moments,

but being sick doesn't help much.

especially when the weekend flew by too fast,

& as weird as this may sound,

knowing that tomorrow at work there's no real work waiting to be done.

i hate being idle at the office.

i do.

because staring into space is such a crime,

& handing up a time sheet with more spaces is even bigger a crime.

this is for being a muse fan,

obsessed with 1984.

i'm currently living it :)

9 weeks to go? i think?

today marks exactly two months to finishing the internship.

which reminds me i haven't wished kiki happy birthday *bergegas ke fb seketika*

yeah so i've kinda been out the whole of today.

ke rumah bakal mertua *ehem*, seterusnya rumah bestfriend ipar, moksu ipar, cousin ipar,

& tadi lebih kurang 2215hrs baru sampai rumah.

hajat tinggi menggunung,

since the other half nak balik rumah awal untuk deliver some stuff,

then sambung lepak dengan rakan-rakan,

kononnya i want to spend the rest of the night ada lagi 2 jam lebih kurang ni untuk buat research for the project paper thingy.

elok-elok je laptop on bunyi music windows tu,

phone berbunyi,

nombor tak kenal,

suara lelaki,

"hey lya.. this is your friend, dan.."

aku dah crack dah apesal dan ismail nak adopt such a gedik-hesitant-ramah mesra tone on me.

ooohh wait..

kawan nama dan bukan ada sorang je!

so long story short,

i'm going to go watch the chealsea-man u game, yes believe it or not,

in about 11 minutes time.

sumpah demi Allah website emerald dah terbukak dah kat tab atas ni.

tinggal wa nak print screen tunjuk bukti je.

tapi malas.

tadi dah pun bukak istudent konon nak carik past research papers, etc,

carik ilham la kononnya,

tapi error amende tah dia taknak load.

so nampaknya....

esok-esok lah ye.

ada 2 bulan lagi koooot..

chillll~

Sole Mate (freestyle)

this apparently impromptu jam session while waiting for the laundry to finish is soooo effingly much better than the songs we hear on the radio nowadays. i am officially only posting ryan higa's videos on my blog. lolz.

he whom is named after a female bodypart.

you don't need 10 or 20 years to be able to look back at something from a different angle,

& learn so much from it.

sometimes all it takes are 3 or 4 years,

& a person whom you thought never changed,

but actually changed so much.

for the better, trust me.

to the bestfriend,

exboyfriend,

seldommeetbutcloseatheartfriend,

makanmaggihotcuptepilongkangpukul4pagifriend,

whatever i get to call you,

that speech went much deeper than i expected.

a session should be in order,

soon!

& this is why you shouldn't complain when you had a bad day, or week.

THIS.

is my fucking dream coming true.

i can't..

i can't even begin..

fuck.

yeah i can process it alright,

i'm just being torn in a million different directions

between fucking yelling at the top of my lungs & jumping til i break my knees,

& keeping quiet & collected because i don't want to jinx it because really,

one month is a lot of time for things to go wrong & not happen.

but fuck doh!

THIS IS ONE FUCKING BAND I NEVER EVEN DREAMED TO ENTER MALAYSIA.

you notice how many fucks have been in my post?

yes.

so i can't even begin to digest what i'm feeling right now.

WEHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

AKU DENGAR FIRST ALBUM DORANG NONSTOP DARI AKU 16 TAHUN KOT!

SAMPAI SEKARANG!

WEHHHHHHHHHH

just got in :)

i just realized i'm on my way to becoming the dark lord himself.

phoenix feather, slytherin house..

awesome!

& now i can finally say,

between gryffindor & slytherin,

yes i chose slytherin :)

------

added at 0040hrs

more on pottermore.

i don't like the fact that i feel so detached from the characters in the book,

especially the trio.

when we're reading the book, we always feel like we're a part of those 3,

we feel so close to them,

yet in pottermore we're our own entity, almost as if we don't even know those 3.

yes it's about creating our own hogwarts experience,

but what's hogwarts without everyone?

& i'd love to see more of our own houses,

like maybe walk around the common room,

lie on our bed in the dorms,

or maybe have to give the password everytime we want to enter the common room,

just like how it is in hogwarts.

oh & i'd love to walk around the corridors & bump into peeves or something..

there should be more games/challenges,

i don't know exactly what,

but yeah..

i mean where's the quidditch part?

i remember the old WB harry potter website had this lame-ish quidditch game,

but i spent hours on that thing!

oh & what's most disappointing is that i totally skipped all of the story (except for the new stuff from jk rowling) because i was too excited to collect galleons & stuff.

it felt so mystery case files-ish,

& totally not harry potter-ish.

i don't know..

i'm just tired of waiting for my potion to finish brewing.

95 minutes, seriously?

Lying down on my bed upside down,
Using the comforter as my pillow & hugging the bolster kontot tight,
Foetal position,
the kaftan you gave,
Fish light on & fan oscillating,
I am so proud of myself that after 8 full days,
& lotsa tantrums,
I am here, right now, miserable,
& not someplace else, with company, enjoying myself.
I am also very proud of spending the past few days watching friends, kardashians & obsessively playing Sims social,
Oh & also binge eating.
Very proud.
Not sarcastic.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

i've always kind of thought that one shouldn't have to have a reason,

or a reminder,

to stay.

as mentioned in my previous post,

we should always live our lives for ourselves.

but

looking through old pictures,

i stumbled across one,

not even a picture,

just a print screen,

that i guess slapped me?

gave me a wake up call?

one line that made complete sense,

without actually making that much sense.

tagged to a picture of you

"because none of it was ever worth the risk"

what led you to becoming the E.

the only exception.

it all sounds so dramatic,

doesn't it?

but yeah i guess that's why people (& magazines) always advice you to spend some time apart,

because missing is so excruciatingly beautiful.

*insert feelings (Roadside, etc)*

Though, the fact that i go home & instinctively look for u trumps everything else.

But then again..
As long as nothing is final,
There's still room for choices,
For which suits best.
After all,
We are supposed to live for our own selves.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

Off The Pill - Feminist

good job, Ryan! :)

unthinkingly during Bliss

currently watching videos from leeds on youtube.

well, not anymore since i'm typing this,

so it's currently listening to the music from the video.

whatever.

i'm torn.

watching hurts,

not watching hurts,

listening hurts too actually because you can never just listen to muse play live.

it truly is a visual experience.

no, it must be a live, in-the-moment experience actually,

but since musers all around the world are kind enough to share their hd videos on youtube with us less fortunate ones,

it has to be reduced to just a visual experience.

but whatever, again.

i'm just typing anything that crosses my mind,

because in the last how many minutes that i've been watching (or listening),

i've gotten so much realizations,

& too fast that i can't even remember it anymore,

especially with them playing bliss right now.

but yes,

whatever realizations it was,

(now i remember.. i was watching dom play in his ridiculous white-with-funny-black-stripey-things sleeveless, & chris being such a wolstenbeast)

it just made me feel so much more proud being the pwoper muser i am,

as defined in the reblogged tumblr post,

& how right it all feels,

how intimate.

yes,

it's that feeling all over again,

watching a video of them play,

& feeling a connection so deep you feel you want to rush to wherever they are & tell them what a wonderful friend they've been,

or something like that.

this is why nothing can ever compete with these guys,

the amount of things they share with us fans,

the intimacy,

the unity,

it makes them great.

& that's probably about one hundredth of the things that goes through my head whenever i listen to muse :)

August 25th

of these

& this

& these

it wasn't easy,

but we've made it this far, haven't we?

this far, & counting

Seharian bermain, bergembira dekat office,
macamlah office bapak sendiri.
Buka puasa ditemani makanan awesome,
Serta lagu-lagu menepati tema.
Seterusnya ah hong,
& cousin, iPhonenya juga 9gag.
Gelak sampai semput,
& ada juga yang sampai sakit perut,
Entah sampai pukul berapa.
Sekarang mata pinar-pinar,
Tapi masih menaip.
Macam nak tidur sampai sabtu,
Sebab nanti dekat office aku solo.
Jangan tidur tersandar dekat common seal sudah.
Yang penting,
Setahun sudah berlalu.
Jaga diri, jangan curang, simpan telefon dekat dengan hati.
Almaklum, separuh yang sini tak biasa berjauhan.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

the Wolstenbeast & his Wolstenarmy.

shiiiiiiiiiiiitz!

omg i really wish i can say shit in a lot of languages,

because this is the shit of all lives.

I. ACTUALLY. IGNORED. THE BBC6 INTERVIEW.

only to fucking find out chris announced the awesome news on it.

gawd.

that'll teach you about ignoring anything Muse-related, Hilyah.

just because matt isn't involved.

sheesh.

aaaanyways,

the guys should really go into the studio now.

better catch up with chris & kelly & whole one baby per album thing.

awww so excited!

12 weeks to go

well, 11 weeks kalau tolak cuti raya.

i've held back from talking about the persatuan bangsa-bangsa bersatu for 8 weeks now,

sebab taknak jinx it.

& honestly i'm nervous as hell right now,

tapi sebab pasal kerja aku memang taknak cerita,

jadi what the hell.

i'm only going to say this,

this internship experience,

walaupun baru sampai takat ni,

dah buat aku cuak nak mampus nak kerja betul-betul nanti.

why?

because the only (& i mean ONLY) reason why i actually wake up every morning,

is knowing there's people worthy of meeting at work.

lepas ni kalau pergi kerja tempat hambar,

orang hambar,

aku rasa memang cepat aku resign.

aaanyways,

disebabkan kerja takes up a good 90% of my time

(i feel so sebab balik rumah pun jumpa colleague, iaitu encik ikhwan)

(serta majlis-majlis berbuka yang makin banyak melibatkan orang-orang office)

process shopping raya dah ter-influence dengan shopping work clothes.

sedih doh.

tengok baju comel warna-warni, bunga-bunga dah tak register dalam otak.

yang nampak semua blouse-blouse, kemeja-kemeja, lepas tu malas nak beli sebab malas nak iron.

nooooooo

nak baju baru untuk dating!

wajib baca.

tentang hijab by Maria Elena Zarul

yes.

HELL YES.

even though belum pernah lagi orang nak directly condemn aku pasal taknak jaga aurat,

but kalau ada yang tersorok tu,

this post explains exactly that.

& more.

lagi-lagi dengan status "in a relationship" aku ni,

instead of "dah selamat diijabkabul".

aku taknak kehulu kehilir dengan tudung dikepala,

& boyfriend dalam genggaman tangan,

if you get what i mean.

takpe.

insyallah setahun je lagi.

lepas tu aku nak pakai makeup bobby brown dalam bilik tidur

;)

it's a tradeoff between feeling,

& all it's consequences.

or being numb,

& missing out.

i once thought this is exactly how i'd want to be,

undisturbed,

at peace,

& calm.

but now that i am,

now that i am undisturbed,

i actually feel guilty.

& i know i would make all sorts of promises right now,

only to break it tomorrow,

because deep down inside i know this is better for me

& i never want to go back to all that.

i just have to be firm & soldier on.

you know what,

hell yes this is for the best.

god.

best realization ever.

alhamdulillah.

alfatihah

of time

we have 13 weeks to go.

it's actually only been 7 weeks.

honestly, it feels much longer.

other than kononnya list advisor dah keluar tapi untuk bm222 tak ada,

i don't have anything to talk about with regards to internship.

bukan apa,

malas.

it's not like i'm saving the world or something.

jadi bibik tolong kemas bilik kak aishah lagi ada.

uh huh,

no shit.

kalau ikut kalendar hijrah,

tomorrow marks 1 year.

tapi celebration cuma akan dibuat mengikut kalendar kafir,

because i'm ocd like that.

dan kalau by then dah tak ada duit nak berdinner, bertukar-tukar hadiah bagai,

i suppose reenacting the events of the night would be fun.

hee.

biarlah aku lame ke apa.

this is a big deal for me,

for i have my reasons.

"let your boat of life be light, packed with only what you need - a homely home and simple pleasures, one or two friends, worth the name, someone to love and someone to love you, a cat, a dog, and a pipe or two, enough to eat and enough to wear, and a little more than enough to drink; for thirst is a dangerous thing"

-Three Men in a Boat (to Say Nothing of the Dog);

Jerome K. Jerome

found the paper i wrote this quote on (in eyeliner, mind you, highly smeared) while tidying the room. i want to read this book again!

on the topic of tidying the room,

i love the fact that my room looks decent now,

& orange!

:D

you know what the best part is?

it's the fact that i can't remember shit what we talked about anymore.

i just know things are alright.

i love you girls :D

"i turned out liking you a lot more than i originally planned."

this simple, shallow-sounding sentence actually sparked a lot of feeling.

such like those i felt a few days ago when your sheepish smile & awkward wave flashed across my mind.

21 days to go.

yes,

this simple, shallow-sounding sentence holds the whole truth & nothing but the truth.

& i am beyond glad.

*quote from tumblr.

16 weeks to go

i'm really getting bad at this "countdown to freeeedomhh" thing.

i totally forgot my 16 weeks to go post.

(it is 16 weeks to go right?)

things are okay at work now.

there's rhythm.

there's work (most importantly).

there's allies.

there's office politics,

& the best of all, there's gossips.

huhuu i just hope things will remain the same for the next 3 & a half months,

& that we don't run out of work to do (macam friday lepas sampai sanggup berkampung dalam file room buat minutes book).

on to a topic that is bugging me though i don't entirely understand why,

the KFCM-Elia couple have broken up.

i don't know why out of all the malaysian celebrity couple,

i chose to really like them.

maybe because she's a blogger, & he's good at what he does.

or maybe because she writes what we readers love to read.

but whatever,

i find it really, really sad.

& ramadhan is here.

i spent the whole of today just going in & out of ramadhan feel.

sometimes i get so numb that i feel like it's just another normal day at work,

but then i get so sucked in that i'm at risk of bawling in front of the computer.

i don't know whether it's because i'm relieved to not feel anymore,

to not have my dreams plagued,

& my days haunted,

but at the same time i'm heartbroken that i am unable to feel as freely as i used to.

i miss him god knows i do.

even when i can't feel it.

maybe because the feeling of missing him is ingrained in me

that i can no longer physically feel it anymore.

sometimes i find it hard to blog,

not because i can't let my feelings out,

but because i don't know which issue to address first,

so that everything makes sense.

i guess i'll just say what comes to mind,

& if it doesn't make much sense,

it'll hopefully serve as a reminder.

provided blogger doesn't get wiped out like friendster did.

& i know i'm sooo ketinggalan zaman in this,

but my sister just told me,

& oh god i felt like my world just crashed down on me.

i AM FEELING like my world is crashING down on me.

& to think ramadhan is just a day away.

oh god.

all the memories.

...

...

i really shouldn't be going too deep into this.

:'(

Adele - Rolling In The Deep

i finally found a tangible way of demonstrating what Dom's drumming does to my heart.

please focus on the room full of glasses filled with water vibrating to the drumbeat.

my heart beats to your rhythm, Dombie!

anyways, wa tau wa lambat.

i honestly thought this adele chick is more of a whitney houston, jennifer hudson kinda singer.

rupa-rupanya kau lebih kepada duffy.

& to me that's cool.

awesome song :)

I am actually more troubled by the gossip i heard from Yaya regarding the kfcm-dahlia teck whoever she is scandal,
Compared to the fact that harimau Malaya was embarrassed by the supposed lions (now better known as pussies to me :D).
I mean, I'm typing this at 0150hrs,
Esok wa kerja bai.
wa takle tido ni!


Amacam?
Leh challenge drama singapura tak?
Esok kat office kalau ngantuk wa request stretcher sedas :)

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

berborak untuk kesekian kalinya dengan yaya pasal prospect bekerja di bank negara.

kenapa banyak alasan sekarang?

kenapa cita-cita dah downgrade tahap gaban?

sedangkan peluang seperti ada.

& kalaupun peluang tak ada,

apa salahnya simpan cita-cita?

kenapa?

kenapa jadi macam ni?

possimpible?

I OBJECT!

simply because it doesn't make sense.

at all.

when harry released him from the zoo, voldemort was already in his not-dead-not-alive state.

for god sakes he's been in that state for 11 years.

& that snake was bred in captivity.

doesn't that mean his mother gave birth to him in the zoo,

or he was hatched in the zoo.

but whatever it is it doesnt make sense.

i mean, out of all the snakes in the world,

tell me voldemort chose to go to a zoo to find one that is suitable to be his horcrux.

possible,

but to me highly unlikely.

& another thing,

in case there's anyone who's going to argue with "well maybe he turned nagini into a horcrux after book 4"

well, he already made his 7th horcrux before he "died" in godric's hollow, didn't he?

so yes.

i object to this.

17 weeks to go

minggu ni,

well actually friday je lah,

aku buat AR 13 tahun untuk 1 company.

habis final print yang ni,

aku nak duduk goyang kaki sampai habis intern.

i feel ACCOMPLISHED!

but seriously,

you wouldn't believe the pain of doing AR after AR after AR dalam keadaan nak terkench yang amat,

serta 20 minutes to go to 5.30.

nguek!

aku nak post lagu Love The Way You Lie,

sebab semalam aku telah melalui pengalaman agak humbling,

yang datang dari langit kot agaknya,

atau mungkin gangguan emosi

(fine, memang gangguan emosi).

tapi cukuplah ayat doesn't make sense serta highly incomplete tu tersimpan dalam Andy.

yang penting,

main Mafia best.

sekian.

damn. kenapa rindu

sampai bad mood kat office

lari balik rumah

tapi cari tak jumpa.

tak ada.

mana?

shait.

baby nyiaw,

i know you be reading this.

bakal bini you mental.

don't ask why.

an average day?

0900hrs to 0530hrs (sharp), work.

then it's on to our first official formal informal.

(i am now the proud owner of a copy of War and Peace)

got home & bathed the baby girl,

in work clothes.

then the mister dodoi-ed the baby boy,

who is sound asleep beside me.

i should say we are ready for marriage.

no, wait..

we are ready for reality :)

17 & a half weeks to go

on the topic of internship, i have nothing much to say.

sekarang kerja tengah banyak gila sebab july memang merupakan crunch time annual returns.

tapi lepas july & lepas habis annual returns tahun ni aku tak dapat agak apa akan jadi.

i just hope i wont be melanguk-ing at the office,

sebab office di waktu tak ada kerja is super duper bosan.

& silent.

but that's hopefully for august (or later.. or never) to deal with.

harry potter malam semalam was...

(& my theory agak terbukti)

great.

even though this is mainly due to how the story was written in the book,

tapi movienya sangat fast paced & tak bosan & sedar-sedar dah 2 jam.

i loved the part when they were prepping for the battle kat hogwarts.

terasa the fear ok.

rasa macam masa 9/11 dulu,

my 13 year old self bracing for all out world war & mati kena bomb

(serious tak tipu).

tapi, as i said, the battle between harry & voldy was too exaggerated.

dah lah makin lama makin pelik character voldemort ni.

sejak bila the dark lord buat lawak lepas tu gelak sendiri macam angsa?

sedih.

oh touching on the word 'sedih',

i enjoyed myself crying in the cinema semalam.

i don't know whether it's because i'm having my period,

or because i anticipated this movie too much sampai terlalu in the mood,

atau sebab memang,

tapi part-part sedih dalam buku jadi lagi super sedih when i saw it acted out.

macam the dragon & the clankers,

part tu sumpah terasa semangat hermione & spew.

macam seeing fred, remus & tonks dead,

well actually even before that when fred & george were reassuring each other they're fine & they're ready for the war.

gahh sedihnya.

tapi seeing the trio (plus ginny) as 30+ year olds, priceless.

ron sumpah hensem walaupun buncit.

i wouldn't mind having a buncit, 30+ year old husband if that's how he'll look like

(nyeee ikhwan nyee nyeeee :P)

& sekarang aku lapar.

sekian.

-----

added at 2119hrs

ANWAT HADI HANG ORANG BEDONG KAAAA?!

omaigodddd nak pi raya!

3 dalam 1

melangkah keluar tesco tadi,

ada satu bau aneh yang greet aku.

sedut dalam-dalam,

simpan dalam hati,

then it clicked.

haram jad.

tahan nafas selama mungkin.

that shouldn't be comfortingly familiar.

that should just be utterly wrong.

brain, please update.

-----

ada sesiapa yang menjaja no telephone aku kepada orang awam ke?

sebab aku dah penat nak terima phone call/sms pelik-pelik dari no pelik-pelik.

tolong lah.. kalau lepas ni nak bagi no telephone dekat lelaki suit-suit/rempit tepi jalan yang korang malas nak layan,

jangan main hembus je no tu.

kesian la sikit kat orang-orang yang selalunya tak bersalah, tak berminat serta tak ada kaitan dengan korang.

kan lagi elok bagi no telephone abah korang ke, abang long korang ke, boyfriend korang ke..

it's not that hard.

-----

dah 2323hrs & aku berbau ayam mentah.

patut start packing tapi malas nak bergerak.

inilah akibat tidur 12 jam.

can i call matt's baby

(a.k.a. anak tiri mak la nyahh)

Bibing?

because Bing is too simple

(i always prefer 2 syllables)

but Bingie/Bingy sounds weird

& Baby Bing is just too long & too many B's.

you know.. i can just call him Bingham,

it's not that hard.

i should stop ranting.

it all ends 18.7.. for me.

rasa macam bosan pulak kalau tiap-tiap kali nak cerita pasal kerja.

so hari ni aku nak cerita yang aku dah beli ticket harry potter.

sheesh kenapa jadi karangan perihal ni?

anyways..

imma be watching the end this monday night.

honestly sebelum ni macam tak berapa nak excited.

maybe 'cause whatever glimpse we can see from the trailer,

the movie looks highly exaggerated

(i mean, harry & voldemort lompat turun dari one of the towers/the castle? please)

but now that the movie's out,

& i have the tickets (for a show that is 4 days late)

& i'm beginning to see statuses on facebook by people who's seen it,

i can't really say i'm jealous,

just bummed that i am not on my toes menggelabah,

tengok-first-show kind of excited.

i didn't even read the book back.

well, mostly sebab aku malas nak baca the first half of the book that should be somewhat irrelevant to this part 2 movie,

but then it'd be weird to be reading half of the book only.

plus i kind of have this theory that if i don't remember the exact details from the book,

i should enjoy the movie more.

& what better time to try this theory out other than the last movie?

haha pathetic.

aaanyways..

the weekend's coming up..

we'll see what happens.

i kind of had this crazy idea of having a movie 1 to 7 part 1 marathon,

plus read back ALL the books (that would just be insane)

we'll see.

19 weeks to go

as of noon yesterday,

my first week of intern was officially over.

tapi at that time tak terasa sangat kegembiraan melompat-lompat

"yeayyy dah weekend!"

sebab masa tu aku tengah lapar tahap gigit kepala ikhwan,

& not to mention berhabuk from being in the file room since 9 am.

oh & dah ada 2 piles of files menanti tersorok di bawah meja untuk di settlekan semasuk-kerjanya pagi isnin.

aku baru sedar laptop ni dah tak terbukak mungkin seminggu.

penangan kerja.

padan la orang-orang yang dah kerja or intern sebelum ni selalu jawab "penat" bila kami student-student tanya "best tak kerja?"

sebab memang penat.

sebab kalau duduk idle, staring into space tak ada kerja

mesti akan ada yang datang dengan ayat mukadimah "tak ada kerja eh? meh sini akak bagi".

jadi aku rasa lesson yang paling valuable aku belajar minggu ni

is berpura-pura busy tengok manual la, tengok documents lama la, sambil makan marukku.

takpun lari masuk toilet barang 10 minit (nasib baik bersih & wangi. terima kasih aunty)

for other lessons worthy of the log book, there's the time sheets to refer to.

hehe

dalam telinga terngiang-ngiang kak nas' "mami, mami, apa pun tak boleh"

sebab aku tak boleh post satu apa pun.

seperti "yeay dah jumaat, looking forward to the weekend~ weekend~"

kerana esok aku kerja.

& juga aku tak boleh post "couldn't care less about whatever jam, roadblock crap that's happening due to bersih"

'cause,

well..

since aku kerja esok means ikhwan pun kerja esok,

& sekarang dia tak boleh balik rumah,

serta jika dia kental untuk balik rumah jugak,

dia mungkin takkan dapat datang office esok.

so yes.

apa pun tak boleh.

unwinding after day 2 of practical by browsing through Erstwhile Jewelry Co.

all i have to say about this is

beware ikhwan,

your girlfriend's got a very, very expensive taste.

especially the ones featured on the front page yang aku rasa,

tergolong dalam category BAPAK MAHAL.

aih. dah sold dah pun.

anyways,

on the topic of internship,

i have a lot to say.

cuma sekarang rasa macam "pleaseee nooooo. no more thinkingggg"

kalau boleh aku photostat time sheet lepas tu tampal sini

(& juga dalam logbook).

ah that would be heaven.

less than 12 hours to go.

i am honestly more nervous about not being able to sleep tonight compared to what's going to happen tomorrow.

not because i'm being cocky & overconfident,

but because i kind of don't know what to expect,

& it hasn't sunk it yet.

though tadi masa baca-baca evaluation form tu agak cuak lah.

they really expect us to learn ALL this?

meh.

praying this goes well.

praying life goes well :)

Day 30 - Whatever Tickles My Fancy (The End)

this last post highlights how tak ada kerja i have been for the past month.

from Day 1 to Day 30, everyday without miss.

plus post-post di luar scope the list.

i kind of can't wait to start work,

just for something to do.

(i hope that doesn't jinx anything)

anyways,

just for something to say,

since i am already the villain & so icky-icky poo to even be around virtually,

i honestly believe if one does not give a fuck, they wouldn't say they don't give a fuck.

betul kan?

for example,

you don't give a fuck about what's happening, in say, alaska right now,

you wouldn't be saying to the next person 'i don't give a fuck what's happening in alaska right now',

instead, the word alaska wouldn't even cross your mind, would it?

well now that i've said it, i kind of wonder if anything's going on in alaska right now,

but really i don't bother to find out because i just genuinely don't care.

get what i mean?
moving on...
... my cat, Chaih, just gave birth,
which signifies i don't quite have anything more to say that actually makes sense,
or that wouldn't draw any reactions from anyone at all, really,
so i shall conclude.
on to Mystery Case Files: Dire Grove!

Day 29 - Hopes, Dreams & Plans For The Next 365 Days

i have just been through postsecret,

& realizing NOT ONE secret matches mine (or my not-so-secret),

is liberating as hell.

well, one does, in a weird way.

& i can't quite explain it anymore,

without ruining it.

& i've just been through such a humbling experience,

which i have Mohd Ikhwan Arif bin Mohd Arif to thank for,

& that, too, i cannot explain further,

because when it comes to him i feel highly possessive & jealous,

& i want to keep it all to my fucking self.

as for the rest, i shall continue later today,

because i so need to sleep right now,

i swear to god i didn't notice the time slip by while playing Jojo's Fashion Show.

teehee.

------

about 20 hours later (2346hrs)

i am so tired i couldn't even lift my hands to shampoo my head just now,

& that was 3 hours ago.

now i'm just existing, & breathing.

soouu.. hopes, dreams & plans?

(in no particular order, as usual)

graduate BBA (Hons) Finance,

wear a pink sash to my convocation,

go through (& survive) internship,

find a real job...

... so i can get married (or at least engaged),

& when that happens, i'm making baby & ariff help us move!

i have one really short term plan though,

habiskan ganti puasa before ramadhan huhuu.

& well.. just live i guess.

continue breathing.

& this is where my brain just go 'enough stress on meh!'

i really don't understand why though,

it's not like lifting heavy stuff requires thinking.

oh well.

i have to go shut down.

Day 28 - This Year, In Great Detail

it's only halfway through 2011.

but then again the title says 'this year',

not 'this past 365 days'.

so a half year update then,

which i honestly do not feel like writing.

because since january all i've been doing is

1. work my butt off through out the sem. yes. it was an utterly crazily busy semester
2. staying at home, going 'nyiaw' at layla (& now ilhan, too) & ikhwan
3. & feeling bad about the fact that my bestfriend no longer speaks to me, which i know is my fault somehow (i figured since this is my blog, why must i bother keeping my feelings to myself right?)

the only thing that has changed, though,

is now that i'm on holiday, number 1 does not apply anymore,

& number 2 becomes my full-time activity.

highlights of this year so far?

(in no particular order) my brother got married, & now my SIL is 10 weeks pregnant,

yaya gave birth to ilhan,

i turned 23 (big deal),

first experience of being in a car accident (wa phobia berbulan wei serious),

went for my first real job interview,

finally went on a trip with uitm (opkim melaka),

you know what,

i don't bother trying to recall anymore.

well if you really want to know, scroll to the end of this page & click older post.

but honestly,

despite this gloomy tone & the 'unawesomeness' of the stuff that happened in my life this year,

2011 has been generous to me so far.

& i'm grateful for all that i still have.

plus the fact that i now know i can cook if i really need to,

change a baby's diaper (with poo in it) when i have to,

& bathe a little girl successfully.

i'd say i've accomplished a lot :)

Day 27 - This Month, In Great Detail

since it's already 2337hrs,

& i am at risk of posting this on the 28th instead of the 27th (my inner Monica will not allow that to happen),

i'll just breeze through this.

i know it's not going to be 'in great detail', but what the heck,

look at my week post.

imagine how long my month post is going to be if it's in great detail.

the month kicked off with (i faintly remember) me freaking out due to not getting an internship placement yet.

i started looking for job posts on jobstreet.com & jobsdb.com,

& randomly sending resumes to any companies that made sense.

aside from that,

ilhan turned 1 month old,

&, ermm.. i honestly cannot remember anything more.

then it was freaking out due to the approaching results day.

though this was kept hidden quite well because i didn't want to stress the mister out

(his intersession finals are mere days after results day),

i remember just failing to function for a few days.

i couldn't even bother about internship.

oh yeah, but the calls kept coming,

& i kept turning them down.

middle of the month, results came out, it was a success, hurray, hurray.

ikhwan's finals was on monday, & we had two interviews scheduled for tuesday,

so i kept myself busy readying the certificates & stuff.

oh yeah sometime before that we found out that zura's pregnant,

& well, this past week you can read about in yesterday's post.

honestly,

june was just downright boring.

everyday it's waking up late for me,

waiting for ikhwan to finish class & come home (to me hehe),

jumping up everytime the phone rings (or everytime i think it's vibrating, but it's not),

browsing through facebook nonstop,

browsing through blogshops nonstop,

checking the blogs that i read (or lately, tumblrs) nonstop,

& checking jobstreet/jobsbd every few hours for new posts.

oh yeah & some drama here & there.

(sila jangan tafsir ini sesuka hati anda. drama yang dimaksudkan telah berlaku di rumah & di rumah alone.)

i really hope july's more meaningful & eventful,

in a good way though.

let's not jinx this internship thing.

so yes!

2347hrs.

burger time.

this is Muse for you, in about 5000 words.

Kerrang! August 2001 via Natalia

imma start using Mike Hunt as my pseudonym from now on :D

Day 26 - My Week, In Great Detail

(memandangkan post ni akan merangkumi kisah 6 hari, aku kembalilah ke format perenggan)

since today is sunday, we'll start with last monday. monday, or the 20th, was finals day. accompanied the enche to uitm, he went to do his finals, i went for some ronggeng session. i didn't sleep the whole night, insomnia, malas nak tidur, you know, stuff. despite that, i drove to shah alam, dropped ikhwan at DSB then went to sina's house. mula-mula tu macam-macam lah perkara mencuakkan jadi, seperti ada orang-orang unexpected datang rumah, serta lipas panjat kaki orang tersebut. then dok borak-borak, aku bantai tertidur tak sedar dunia, sampai miraculously pukul 11.45 aku terjaga, dimana sina tengah lunch & aku kelam kabut keluar rumah nak carikan lunch untuk ikhwan then pick him up from the dewan. aku rasa abang kerja 7e tu mesti pelik tengok aku yang bancuh kopi dalam keadaan mamai. lepak kat study room dengan ikhwan sampai dekat pukul 2, then dia pergi buat second paper dia. aku balik rumah sina balik, then masuk uitm balik untuk pergi office. sina carik details company yang nak pakai intern, aku kutip sijil, lepas tu makan hotdog kat pakmat, then balik rumah balik. Seterusnya adalah session kacau sina pasal results dia (dia still taknak check as at that time) serta gelak guling-guling. tak sampai setengah jam ikhwan dah call, dia keluar dewan awal (gila otai paper MD keluar sejam awal). balik rumah, on the way singgah 7e sebab ikhwan nak coffee lagi. 7e federal tu cool gila kot ada coffee machine siap ada caramel macchiato lagi. sesampainya di rumah aku tidur tak sedar diri (sila refer post Day 20, dimana aku hangover tidur), sampai mama masuk bilik mengamuk serta ikhwan gerak balik dah tak larat tunggu aku bangun. haha padan muka.

selasa was interview day. pagi pukul 10 interview kat wah kong group in PJ. yo yo o punya interview siap buat test la, sesi soal jawab sampai setengah jam la. semangat. macam la nak offer kerja gaji ribu-ribu. settle tu we had lunch kat bawah jambatan. balik rumah walaupun mengantuk tapi sebab nak jaga makeup punya pasal aku pun tahan la mata sampai pukul 3 where we had to go to another interview. ni kat MINC ttdi pulak. yang ni relax sikit, tak tanya banyak, dia suruh cerita je. masuk office dia pun 5 minit je kot. sweet tak sweet, habis interview tu aku & ikhwan jalan kaki balik rumah huhu. then malam tak ada apa-apa yang penting berlaku kot. aku pun tak ingat. ohh yeah selasa was also the day mama pergi dorsett, dia kena buat pameran apa entah untuk sekolah. aku buat bread pudding malam tu sebab gatal. tunggu punya tunggu mama balik, last-last abah pun lesap. rupa-rupanya mama dapat free room so abah pergi join dia tidur sana. hampeh.

rabu pagi-pagi dah kena bangun sebab nak hantar abah pergi ou. bangun pukul 9.15 tu suspen je kenapa rumah sunyi & abah tak ada. ingatkan dia dah chow sendiri sebab malas nak tunggu aku (yes, reputation). tengok-tengok dia yang lagi selamba badak pukul 9.30 tu baru balik dari main tennis. apparently dia dah beli ticket awal-awal so no rush. lepas hantar abah gi ou (abah took the lcct shuttle bus, dia nak ke sabah), aku melangut kat rumah dalam keadaan semi-depressed. kononnya air tak ada, lepas tu petang nak kena settle kucing & ada orang nak datang hantar barang kat rumah. mama pun tak ada. & at the same time parent's ikhwan pun tak ada so dia kena stay kat rumah untuk settle adik dia. jadi untuk aku pergi rumah dia pun payah, dia nak datang rumah aku pun lagi la tak boleh. last-last aku gasak je pergi for lunch, balik semula pukul 4.30, in time kasi kucing makan & mamat tu pun datang hantar barang dengan selamat. malam rabu tu aku betul-betul tak ingat apa aku buat. duduk kat rumah je kot. tak pun aku pergi dinner dengan imara, entah la.

khamis tu aku bangun dah pukul 2, dengan message imara menanti ajak lunch kat homst. baru nak keluar rumah, mama dah sampai dalam keadaan separa tempang serta kesakitan. apparently after standing most of the day since tuesday kat pameran tu, mama pulled a muscle & lutut dia bengkak. so dia call kawan dia suruh datang urut. tapi by petang still sakit jugak, so kitorang pergi klinik. first we went to murugasu, yang kononnya tutup sampai pukul 6. it was 5.30, & since dah dapat parking yang baik punya, kitorang lepak la manila borak-borak, makan shepherd's pie dan sebagainya. pukul 6 tu orang tu kata bukak pukul 6.30 pulak sebab doctor lambat lagi. so kitorang pergi famili, yang dapat parking lagi awesome, serta tak ada orang so sekejap je dah settle. malam yaya & family datang rumah. dalam 8.30 macam tu kena hantar kak milah pergi tesco, & as expected layla kacau taknak bagi tamtam dia pergi, so aku angkut dia sekali drive kereta ayah letak layla dalam car seat. bukak radio, dia menyanyi sakan semua lagu dia hafal, sampai azan pun dia ikut. terang hati betul budak tu. for dinner aku drive thru mcd je. then settlekan surat yang orang MINC mintak (oh yeah lupa pulak, this was the day Pn Aishah tu call & cakap kitorang both dapat intern kat MINC, & lepas tu aku call Wah Kong turn down their offer hehe). lepas mandi settle semua, dengar bunyi macam yaya dah nak balik, so aku lari turun sebab tak sempat nak gomol ilhan lagi. aku dukung peluk-peluk tengok-tengok yaya kata dia pengsan sampai diorang dukung bawak naik rumah pun budak tu tak bangun dah. penangan pelukan ashu hehe. imara came over to lepak sebab dia bosan dan restless, tengok avatar (random), then aku pergi jumpa ikhwan kejap.

hari jumaat mama mc, tapi aku bangun pun dah dekat pukul 4. lunch mama goreng nasi je (kesian ada anak dara tak berapa berguna), lepas tu hantar dia pergi sekolah for her PIBG meeting & aku kena collect file peka untuk mama marking. gila rindu jalan-jalan dalam sekolah & masuk physics lab. dinner mama bawak balik mee kari. then malam sikit yaya & family datang lagi, this time untuk tengok maharaja lawak haha.

you know what happened on saturday, thanks to Day 25 post.

so, today.. ikhwan slept over since parents dia tak ada (again) & anis pergi tidur rumah their cousin. woke up at like 1 kot. pergi SS2 konon nak belikan yaya punya kain (lepas insiden atm card semalam tu), tengok-tengok kamdar tutup. then nak lunch kat mcd tapi mcd full so take away je. nasib baik jugak sebab on the way balik tu kawan abah nak ambik product tapi tak tahu rumah so kena pergi jemput apa benda entah. so dah settle tu, makan then tengok tv la apa la. then ikhwan's mum called sebab anis dah nak balik so dia kena jaga anis kat rumah. went back to his house, lepak kejap, malam beli dinner then after dinner i went home. sampai rumah dah mandi wangi-wangi tengok internet buat hal (still is.. on off on off, gila ke?). so terrajin simpan baju dalam almari. & i've been typing since.

there you go. mungkin post paling panjang ever. tapi agak cool sebab 1) aku ingat benda-benda yang berlaku, & 2) sampai bila-bila aku akan ingat thanks to this post. maybe i should do this masa intern nanti. takde lah menggelabah nak isi logbook nanti kan? nyeh.

Day 25 - My Day, In Great Detail

this will be both detailed & honest.

the day started at midnight with a fight between me & the enche.

10 days syndrome?

highly likely.

then he went to sleep,

& i vented to Pear in the form of merepek-chatting.

i fell asleep in a weird position, with the lights on at about 4 am.

then ikhwan called me at 7 something,

saying he misses me & he couldn't really sleep.

but i was so mamai i couldn't respond,

so he told me to go back to sleep.

at noon sharp mama woke me up 'cause she was going out with the bro & the SIL.

i had to drag myself out of bed to fetch the cleaning ladies.

at 1.30 pm was it? ikhwan left home & took the lrt here.

i bathed (ye, aku keluar ambik maids tu tak mandi. ada masalah?),

& by the time i went downstairs yaya & family was here.

picked ikhwan up, came home, had lunch,

then yaya took mama to see this tukang urut, 'cause mama hurt her knee.

was left home with ilhan, who woke up crying his head off.

then he pooped,

so i changed his diaper,

& while i was wiping him clean, he peed,

so i had to change his clothes,

then he just wouldn't stop crying, so i made him milk,

& that's when yaya came home.

so i ran out with ikhwan to yippee cup,

during which i was supposed to find some cloth for yaya's baju raya,

which didn't happen because i couldn't withdraw her money,

so yeah, yippee cup it is.

then it was jasema to buy wrapping paper to wrap this wedding gift yaya's bringing for her friend's wedding,

during which yaya's atm card healed itself & i finally could withdraw her money.

arrived home, wrapped the present, bathed layla, ate, bathed myself,

then mama went out to get dinner (she was craving for ayamas' ayam percik),

layla was being cranky with youtube,

so made her milk,

& she fell straight to sleep beside ilhan.

that truly made me feel super accomplished haha.

mama came home, they all had dinner while i washed the dishes,

& i've been facebooking since (reminiscing those perak days with ira, how random).

layla & ilhan's still asleep so i really shouldn't be in the living room.

i have a tendency for pinching sleeping babies.

they're so cute.

& so here i am writing this awfully detailed recollection of my day,

which i find to be kind of eventful, compared to other days,

& ikhwan's next to me playing his moon chaser game,

& we just turned 10 months about 20 minutes ago.

yes.

i believe life is good :)

Day 24 - Whatever Tickles My Fancy (Literally Whatever)

first & foremost,

we finally got our placements.

2 best things about it is,

it's at the company which was our first choice,

& we're both there.

so yes,

look's like my recluse-ness will continue as i predict i won't be bonding with other people much.

but really, this is all i can ask for.

honestly one of the things that i'm worried about regarding this internship is my monthly menses.

kalau kena time cramps yang guling-guling how?

at least ni ada lah jugak orang yang pernah handle aku guling/menonggeng/call dia menjerit kat phone sebab sakit sangat please beli panadol cepat/simply whimpered into the phone because i nearly fell head-first into the toilet bowl punya sakit nak pitam/dll.

(yes. my period is THAT bad)

anyways.. cerita dah menyimpang.

niat asal nak tulis dapat tempat practical je.

semalam,

no wait,

more like tengah hari tadi, since aku tidur pun dah lepas subuh,

i had a really unexpected dream.

you know, those kinds yang you feel real feelings.

tapi honestly sekarang dah rasa macam mixed feelings.

i am tired of reaching out but not finding a hand to grab in return.

biarlah kalau orang nak cakap aku ni assume banyak,

speculate banyak,

terasa banyak,

perasan banyak,

tapi aku rasa aku ada feelings jugak kot?

aku layak nak rasa those feelings jugak kot?

which leads back to the whole recluse thing as mentioned above.

but neah..

i won't say anything more on it.

sebab these thoughts, these fears in my head,

yang berkaitan dengan orang-orang yang aku still ada,

scares me to death.

talk about death,

in that same dream i had tadi,

there was this one part where i was travelling on the highway then came to a scene of an accident,

a really, utterly terrible one.

pernah rasa menggigil dalam mimpi?

now that was real.

F the fact this is my 2nd post in 6 hours.

i've just been to exorage's fb page

(yes i know it was very unwise, but i stumbled on the link & it's so very tempting)

yeap.

their stuff are still Muse ripoffs.

despite my obvious lacking in musical knowledge,

i think i can still distinguish between a copycat & a band who's inspired by another.

exorage (& i hope you guys are vain enough to google yourself & find this)

have some creativity.

have some originality.

shame on you people.

Day 23 - A Youtube Video

this CANNOT wait until later.

this is written in the stars kot!

at first i was thinking like,

screw the list imma just blog about this then do the list later.

but day 23 IS a post on a youtube videos,

so stressing on it again, it's written in the stars.

i have to do this now.

anyways, before i post the video & people (if there's any who reads this) go "hek eleh itu je ke",

i've got to stress on how huge a Muse fan i am,

(HUGE. i assure you)

& how uninterested i am in the fashion world,

& how i hate anything & everything mainstream (except nasi lemak).

so to see these subjects together (except the nasi lemak),

i'm taken by surprise.

but honestly,

i am not going to go all 'eww whyyy?! that's so shallow. they're so degrading Muse' on this,

rather, i am quite proud.

this is how big Muse is now..

plus, it's such a great song.

unfitting, yes.. it does sound weird with the video,

but still,

it's a great song.

so..

enough blabbing.

this is Muse, in an official Burberry video.

Day 22 - A Website

i have posted the link to this website before.

waaaaay before.

but it's just epic, i can't bear putting on another website.

(cause really, it's the coolest website ever).

icanhascheezburger.com,

or better known as lolcats.

for hours of LOL-ness,

or should i say LTYC-ness (read: laugh till you cry).

warning: you may come out of the experience

1. dead due to lack of oxygen to the brain
2. with six packs due to excessive stomach-clenching laugh
3. (or simply) brain-damaged

but it's worth it, seriously.

Day 21 - A Recipe

reading back yesterday's post, i just realized if anyone were to read it

(other than you, Mohd Ikhwan Arif)

they wouldn't understand a thing.

no matter.

let's just say yesterday i was hungover on sleep.

on to today's post.

a recipe huh?

well, my favouritest recipe ever,

which is the sinfullest chocolate cake i've ever eaten,

is not mine to give away.

but i like to experiment with other recipes,

mainly cakes,

because, well, i love cakes.

one i recently did was a bite-size butter cake with white chocolate bits in it.

i call it bite-size because is not quite as small as cupcakes,

& yet i can still finish it in a bite (if i really want to).

anyways, it's basically a butter cake recipe with white chocolate added to it.

60g each of self raising flour, butter & sugar

1 egg

a splash of milk (taknak pun takpe)

vanilla essence hingga menjilat jari

&&& however much white chocolate that you please, coarsely chopped paling best.

cream the butter & sugar, add vanilla essence, fold in flour (yang dah sifted), add in the milk (kalau anda mahu) & the white choc.

set oven to 180 degrees, bottom heat only,

bake until a knife inserted into the cake comes out clean,

i can't quite say for exactly how long because i usually go by looks,

& satu cake mesti akan jadi mangsa kena cucuk-cucuklah.

tapikan.. i find it a bit too sweet, maybe because it's white chocolate.

haritu pakai cooking chocolate biasa best gila.

so i guess you can make adjustments.

honestly, i am no expert.

i am not even good at baking.

i bake what i want to eat,

& if i can help it i don't want to share (hence the 60g of ingredients hehe)

oookay now dah teringin nak makan cake.

cheit.

Day 20 - A Hobby of Mine

i'm aware that by posting this, i'll sound like an obsessive bitch who can't bear to miss a day,

which i am,

so here..

my hobby is reading.

as lame as that sound,

like writing your biodata in your friend's sparkly book in primary school,

it's true.

i read cereal boxes when there's nothing else left.

Day 19 - A Talent of Mine

here's a post that probably everyone can relate to.

i am very talented at procrastinating.

i have a list of house chores to be done,

just lying beside my bed since earlier this week.

plus interview stuff that i am currently ignoring.

& here i am writing a blog,

after watching 3 episodes of friends.

so yes.

i'd call myself a professional at this.

Day 18 - Whatever Tickles My Fancy (7 Years Ago)

it's not everyday i get to say 'i remember exactly what i did today 7 years ago'.

7 years is, after all, a long time.

i won't get started on how many days that is,

but yes, it's a long time.

still, i remember exactly what i did right now, 7 years ago.

not quite down to the minute,

but i suppose right about now i'd be dancing on stage,

or maybe

preparing for the prize giving ceremony.

i'm sure i'm way past the food scramble,

where keena's mum saved the night by frying some macaroni & delivering it to us

(& keena's like getting married! that's how long we've come in 7 years).

all this aside,

what i remember most about this night is feeling super moody.

i remember wanting to just get the event over & done with.

i wanted to go home sooo bad.

i remember the girls, with ustazah's permission, wanted to stay on a bit after everyone left,

for some joget lambak session,

& they wanted to order pizza.

but i was just packing & cleaning & scolding anyone & everyone that got in my way.

i called home, mama said wait for a while for someone to fetch me,

but i didn't want to so i walked home,

this late at night.

& the next thing i know

is it's a little past 5 am,

& my whole life has changed.

i now know death doesn't just claim your old grandparents or uncles/aunties,

death claims your friends too.

Day 17 - An Art Piece

i don't know why but when i see the full title for this post,

which has a '(painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.)' after the word Piece,

i immediately think of that statue of a Grecian-looking woman with both her hands missing.

but of course i can't blog about her because i, err.., don't even know what she's called!

& really, i am not artsy.

none. zero.

i know the monalisa...

...& that's basically it.

then my mind took me to where i do actually know,

that is the art pieces that my friends/roommates made during my time in perak.

the first thing i remembered was the 'boob tattoo' drawing of me liy k made, & also the 2 birthday cards,

then it went to the dolphin collage sya made us all help her with (i tell you, mounting spray is F-U-N),

& her oil painting, glass collage (yes, glass. if you see the blood on the cloth she was using, you'd think someone lost a finger),

& also liy k's drawings & 3D graphics things.

that was a fun time,

sleeping to the smell of spirit & oil paints,

among others.

so yeah..

forget world famous art pieces,

these ones are way better.

(especially when you helped, then later find out they scored/the lecturers loved it)

:D

on a somewhat related topic,

(since we were talking about uitm, sorta)

yes, the recap of my finals that i wrote sometime in may was no big help.

i basically crapped.

but!

i don't need that stupid old thing.

i'm still on track baybeh!

alhamdulillah :D