Nostalgila.

It's the kind of night where I feel like all I did was blink,
& suddenly we're 28,
Dealing with kids & husbands,
A miscarriage.
Responsibilities & distance keeping us too far apart.
I miss my girls.
Right now I'm glad out of all the things I miss,
I miss my girls the most.
I'm glad out of all the things I had,
Them I still have.

Losses. (& gains).

Oh how this heart aches.
Paid for a tula for Izzaz yesterday.
I settled for a print I kinda like with a price below what I budgeted for.
All this while I've been eyeing this Abby's Lane exclusive which is double what I consider reasonable for a canvas tula.
Then today the seller slashed the price T.T
Been trying to tell myself it is still wayyy off budget,
& even though it's an exclusive it's still overpriced for a canvas tula,
But the green.. :(
Oh well I'll most probably be getting what I bought tomorrow.
Let's get over this fast.

& move on to topics of more weight.
This past week was filled with ups & downs.
Life going full circle,
Starting with Nad losing her dad to cancer,
Which I didn't even know he was suffering from these past few years.
But she was her usual chirpy, smiley self,
Exclaiming her disappointment when I didn't bring Izzaz along.
She only cried when Mir, her best friend, arrived.
So strong that one.
Then early Saturday morning Wan has a miscarriage.
Oh this one breaks my heart so bad.
We've been keeping the secret since she got back to Sydney,
The Sunday she arrived itself she did the test & it was positive.
I swear, Lin & I almost bought tickets straight away.
Then on her birthday she started bleeding,
Had an ultrasound the next day & the baby was smaller than it should be at 9 weeks, no heartbeat detected.
She started bleeding out heavily Friday afternoon & lost the baby early Sat.
Everytime I think about it my heart still feels so heavy.
But I'm glad Simon is there with her,
& I know she's in good hands.
I just wish I could be there to fill her time & the silence of home.
I hope she knows how much I love her.
Life wouldn't go full circle if there's no, well, life.
Saturday night Ikhwan's cousin & lifelong homeboy Nabil's wife gave birth.
Can't wait to go visit the baby,
& at the same time racun then with wraps!
Don't blame me, he texted me first for advise & mintak tolong find one for the wife.
Awhhh squish wrapping I can't wait!

The Rabbit Hole.

Babywearing makes people anal.
To begin with, there's a lot of different types of carriers to choose from, & counting.
When I first got into babywearing there's the wrap, ring sling, mei tai & ssc.
Then mei tai & ssc got married & you get the half-buckles.
Then wraps & ssc got married & you get the hybrids.
Then now there's the onbu which I don't even know what married what.
But you get the drift.
With all these different types of carriers, there's literally a galaxy of designs & brands & companies & makers & weavers & collaborations that I can't even.
You can try wrap after wrap after wrap only to end up wanting the airiness of that one plus the weight of this one & the colours of the other one.
Then you end up customizing the weave, the yarns, the blend,
Chopping a wrap into gears,
Fine-tuning it down to mere centimeters & I'm being truly honest here, people do that.
Just to chase for that unicorn.
See, we even know it doesn't exist, that perfect one.
We named it the freaking UNICORN.
But out of all this craziness, I managed to narrow it down to this:
I love ring slings for when I feel like dressing up, when I want to be drawing some attention.
& for the ease & practicality, I love a Tula ssc.
My problem right now is that I don't have a Tula for Izzaz.
I have one which fits Hilwa but it'll be a looong time till Izzaz can fit in it.
& I'm getting restless.
They're coming out with a new design very soon where instead of a solid piece of canvas wrapping around your baby, they're putting in some mesh for airflow.
& logically I should wait for that to start trickling into the Malaysian fsot (if I can help it, I will never buy any carrier brand new).
But that could take a few months,
& I'm impatient,
& I'm expecting it to be pricier than the few Tulas I'm eyeing on the fsot right now.
I don't know.
I joined the 'official' Tula bst group on fb & to be honest,
At least now I've accepted the fact that there will be no end to wanting.
I just "need" a Tula right now for Izzaz,
& I also "need" to own a wrap conversion Tula at least once in my life.
Right now I'm torn between acting rash & getting one immediately,
Only to churn when the mesh ones becomes available,
Only to churn again for the fated WC.
Or to just be grateful & patient with the boleh lah ssc that I own until Izzaz grows into the toddler Tula.
Which is so not my style mihihi.
If only money trees really exist.

11 March.

Yesterday marks 1 month of Lin being married.
I really don't mean to make this about myself but I want to put down my experience where I can look back & remember.
I wasn't feeling my best the weeks leading up to it,
Something was always weighing on my  mind,
Went through the fall out boy phase,
Then on the March 5th Wan touched down.
Took us a few days to meet up, what with her needing to get a Malaysian number & weekends being my family time,
But when the 3 of us finally met it was magic.
I was kinda down with fever on & off, nose all sniffly & I constantly had this terrible headache,
I remember just functioning through one task at a time,
Downing panadols to make it to meet ups.
The funny thing is the moment I'm in the presence of the girls everything becomes perfect.
Then the Wednesday before Lin's nikah, when she should have been all bride-sy & busy,
She & Wan surprised me by taking me out for a birthday mani pedi session.
& paid for it.
Wthell, the bridesmaid got a mani pedi session, paid by the bride, 2 days before the wedding.
I still don't get it myself lol.
We had brownies & ice cream, then went lingerie shopping (what else do we do when Wan is around lulz),
Ikhwan even took 3 days off & pretty much handled the kids most of the time.
Looking back I feel like I was being pampered more than the bride.
The wedding day came & I still can't put it into words.
Watching Lin get her henna done,
Making her bouquet for her,
Helping her put on her tudung,
Walking her out of her house & driving her with Wan to bakti,
Holding her hand through the akad,
& seeing her light up the whole weekend.
I am so privileged to witness it all, to be a part of it.
Something clicked in the 2 weeks of having Wan back & Lin married,
I came out the other side lighter, happier, I've forgiven myself.
It's like finally I am complete,
Having my two best friends embark on their journeys at exactly the same time.
Now that I think of it, I'm still getting used to a Puan Lina.
The 3 of us, we've always talked about how we're all never happily in a relationship at the same time.
One of us will always be going through some drama or a break up.
But now, alhamdulillah.

Eyebright.

I never understood the hype around Oscha wraps.
Especially roses.
I found the design boring & cliche.
But then comes Roses Eyebright.
Pastel purple to blue grad, oh man.
Got the chance to temporarily trade my kokadi flip with one,
Fully expecting to get over it the moment I receive it,
Like I did the rebung.
But oh man.
It is so soft to the touch, I practically purred on first contact.
& the color.. oh man.
I seriously want to keep this, even if it means just staring at it.
I don't mind just staring at it,
Coz my wrap job was so bad just now even Izzaz started shouting.
There's a wcssc made from it on sale now though.
Oh man.

Mixed up.

Penangan obsesi Hunger Games semenjak duamenjak ni.
Mimpi orang yang dah lama tak mimpi.
See.. I wasn't exaggerating when I said J-Hutch reminds me of him.
I definitely wasn't thinking of him all through Catching Fire last night.
I was, however, taking in a little too much of Josh's smiles lulz.
I don't even know why I'm writing this,
But I guess it's coz it's been too long.
& waking up wasn't difficult at all, I just felt slightly silly & that was it.
I was sitting at a round table,
There were 4 of us but for the life of me I can't remember who they were,
Just that I know I trust them.
Maybe one of them is Lin but I'm not sure.
It was at the porch of the old kafa at burhanuddin helmi, & he appeared from behind me.
Walked to my left & gestured for hugs from everyone around that table.
OK now I'm sure to my right was Lin,
Coz before he reached her I asked "this is definitely not a dream right?",
To which she replied, "definitely not a dream".
& I felt so awake, I really had no clue.
He came to me last, smiling, not a word spoken,
Hugging me a little too briefly, a silent laugh on his lips,
As if to say "don't worry, we've got all the time in the world to catch up".
Then he was gone.
I reached for my phone, kinda awake for a while but kinda still in the dream, thinking clearly I gotta text Imara.
"Why did we make it such a big deal? All he did was go to the US for 5 years, he's back now".
(Yeah my friend Umar is for real coming back from the US after 5 years of studying there. Tsk do not browse fb before bed).
If anyone were speaking around that table, I wouldn't know.
I sat staring into space, basking in the fact that he's back.
His face, his presence, a little too vivid.
Then suddenly a hovercraft appeared, & started dropping firebombs over the athinahapan area.
& I was vaguely aware that damn, I'm dreaming.
The heaviness of sleep starts to pull me,
As I tried to maintain a hold on Hilwa,
Running back inside to grab Izzaz, who I couldn't decide whether to carry or use a carrier.
Then I just grabbed my carrier & wanted to run, but decided I needed stuff like diapers, food, clothes.
I ain't got enough time for all this.
Had to let go of Hilwa for a minute, she ran out the gate.
& the fear of never seeing her ever again, omg.
I could only pray my friends are ahead & she'd find them.
Made away with a near empty bag with clearly not enough supplies,
But my feet were so heavy I knew I should have started running straight away.
I see Hilwa up ahead, I gotta catch up.
But the more I ran the further away everything seemed.
& I'm awake.
Feeling mostly silly.
For dreaming of firebombs, of him after so so long.
I want to say I'm unaffected,
But his face is one you can never unsee.
I see him right now, in all his glory.
Ya Allah, may his soul rest in peace.

Perspective.

I've been in a foul mood for so long I lost count.
Maybe even the whole week.
I really hope it's hormones (the period kind, not any other kinds please).
But right now, in this moment of clarity after a very satisfying ayam goreng mcd binge session,
I'm seeing a different perspective.
Ikhwan chose to go riding today,
& to me that's choosing to abandon us, his family, his nearest & dearest supposedly, after spending so much time working the whole week.
So now you see why I was in such a foul mood.
But then I can't help feeling so empowered I'm almost giddy the whole day.
I managed to sort out the kids this morning,
Load them both into the car,
& drive all the way to my in laws incident free,
Izzaz even napped the whole way.
Yes I had help here & there,
Mama took over Hilwa after I was done bathing her & even went to buy her milk coz we ran out of it,
& since I had to drop the maid off on my way out, she helped lock up the house when I had my hands full loading the kids into the car.
But it is the first time I drove with both kids.
& I feel so accomplished lol.
Then I managed to bathe them both on my own this evening at my in laws.
Hence the giddiness.
It's also the fact that Ikhwan tagged along with his brother & friends on this trip.
I really respect ngoh,
For being the generous person he is,
Especially with his family.
Because we all know it's easy to be nice to everyone else but family.
& he was the one who made this quarter life crisis hobby of my husband possible,
Made sure he has some good gears to protect him,
Then ask his little brother along with his more experienced friends instead of just letting him wander off with a random biking group you can't even count on.
So yeah.
I guess that's enough perspective for one night.
I'm anxiously waiting for my dearest husband to get over this & sell off the bike lol.
No I'm not kidding.
Oh well I guess it's pretty fun making sarcastic jokes with my parents in law when we found out the boys got stuck in Rawang coz it was raining.
Just for tonight I'll bask in it.