Triggered.

After a pretty intense week of finishing a job for my brother's friend,
During which I was taken on an emotional journey of discovery & revelations & knowledge,
But sadly I don't think it's appropriate to discuss here because she's a doctor & the story is her patient's & not mine to tell,
No it's none of the 'me too' hoohaa nowadays don't worry,
It was just the realization of how diverse humans are, that's all.
Anyways, I digress.
After submitting my work last night, Ikhwan & I celebrated by watching Passengers.
It would have been a good story for me hadn't it been for the fact that from the very start I cannot brain a whole spaceship with 5,258 people on board travelling with absolutely no one awake.
But yeah, right from the moment Jim entered the cafeteria, I was like, shit this is district 13 & Katniss is waking up soon.
Now I'm craving for Hunger Games lol.
But reading the books or watching the movies for me is too intense.
Someone needs to invent like a VR thing that takes you on selected moments through out the journey.
Like, I wanna be in the woods with Gale right now before everything happens,
I wanna meet Cinna for the first time,
I wanna live in the Victors' Village for that short period of peace,
I wanna meet Finnick for the first time, then get to know the human side of him in the arena but without the fighting & the fighting-for-their-lives,
I wanna go shoot propos,
I wanna win Peeta back,
I wanna marry him & have his kids.
Yeah favorite parts summarized off the top of my head.
Someone go invent that now.
& I'm gonna go pretend I'm not freakishly attached to this story bye guys.

Feels so real.

Earlier today I announced to the world that I feel like I have aged into a Ravenclaw.
(By announcing to the world I meant tweeting it lol)
Then Hilwa requested her usual YouTube session watching Kidsline, a Japanese toys review channel of sorts.
This time they went to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter in Osaka & got a wand each.
The boy got Harry's but I couldn't recognized the girl's (it's Fleur's),
So that made me start researching on whose wants do they actually sell as souvenir,
& instead I found out that these are interactive wands & there are spots around the theme park where you can actually cast spells.
Of course it doesn't take much to spark the fire within me to start doing something about saving up money & going there.
The pages & pages of wand pictures doesn't help.
One can't help but imagine oneself picking up the bone-white wand with it's claw-like hilt,
Caressing one's bald head as the surge of power-hungry madness floods in like a brain freeze,
& casting the first Avada Kedavra, remembering to mean it & feel it running down one's arms & out the wand in a flash of green.
Oh wait, I'm not supposed to feel like the Dark Lord anymore, am I?
Bah who am I kidding? Ravenclaw pfft.

Alternate.

The combination of last night's dream, Sing For Absolution & the wordings on an Instagram caption posted recently have me feeling peculiar today.
It's best described in malay, which is 'sayu'.
I don't know about you but now that I'm an adult I expected to feel different, grown, learned.
Instead I still feel like my fourteen year old self, & my fourteen year old self never planned this route I'm treading currently.
But it did & I'm still learning to accept that most of it is not even my fault.
No, none of it is my fault.
The thing I fight most in reminding myself perhaps every day is that kun fayakun.
Death is not my fault,
Choices is not my fault.
But then there are weak moments where I catch myself picturing an alternate universe where things go perfectly fine from the time I was fourteen & I grew into a grown person, a learned person, with no regrets.
Then the song changes & you march on with life.
Ahh nothing good ever comes out of listening to Muse.

2017.

I'm surprised I even feel like writing right now.
The kids are still up, hyper even.
Izzaz suddenly developed a fever last night, he crashed my breakfast date with Ikhwan this morning, puked all over himself on the way back.
Hilwa puked too after dinner.
Lost count the amount of plates I've washed.
Watched the fireworks from our bedroom window.
& I'm not like ecstatic of how I'm celebrating new year but it's more of like it's not a big deal.
I've done the bbq with friends, find the best spot to watch fireworks, attend a concert/party thing in the past & I don't need those anymore.
It'd be cool to have a bedroom with a better view of the fireworks though.
Bila ada rezeki, insyaAllah.
2017 I'd say has been a year of empowerment for me.
Making a living from selling tudung, something I didn't plan on doing but happened in the best way.
I didn't earn insane money but at least I didn't have to ask from my husband anytime I want to binge on a girl's day out.
Cooking & cleaning the house feels natural now.
I can finally say I'm a real homemaker instead of freeloading off my mum & still eating takeout lunch lol.
Had my first real emergency rush to the ER, stained with blood, witness Hilwa getting stitched.
& she also partially potty trained though she still insists she "can't do it" when I ask her to poop on the toilet.
I'm leaving that part to her & God seriously. We've tried everything short of giving her julap then locking her in the toilet.
& I don't know what else to say anymore.
Life is going at it's own steady rhythm.
In some parts it feels monotonous, like we've been living the same day for months,
But in other parts, with Izzaz's speech for example, he surprises us by advancing so much every day.
Oh & of course getting not one but two godbabies this year!
I've loved my own kids, my nieces & nephews,
But the love of my girlfriends' child has surprised me.
So let's start the official countdown to TokAna's retirement.
InsyaAllah, I pray for nothing but good health & rezeki for my whole entire family, in laws & loved ones.
Happy new year!