twenty eleven

i guess for me 2010 started off too awesomely then it kind of flattened out. so i am left dumbfounded since about 2 weeks ago when i started thinking of a recap post. i remember the 2010 new year's celebration, & i can't say i'm glad of how i am celebrating the arrival of 2011. but then again, i am not too down either. i guess 2010, as all of the previous years, was just a journey for me. i hope i've learnt well throughout the way.

so, 2010 was the singapore trip & seeing Muse live, turning 22, eupho, enduro (the 24 hour climbathon), the ultimate de-motivation-ness of my 4th semester (but thankfully i pulled through), ramadhan/syawal (god ramadhan was indeed meaningful), & ikhwan ikhwan ikhwan. see.. apart from singapore & ikhwan, i honestly can't think of anything else worth mentioning. yeah well my brother got engaged, & my sister's pregnant again, but what else?

i wont pretend that i've been a sweetheart, though. if anything, i think i went through some of the worst emotional roller coasters ever. i know i have hurt a lot of people in 2010. & i am not proud of that. i guess that, in a way, greatly effects how i have been feeling about this whole "turning a new leaf" concept that everyone has when it comes to new years. because i know you can't just drop it & pretend it's not significant anymore just because the date has changed. & i wont simply put it on God either by saying "things happen for a reason". i guess the most i can say is i am not proud of whatever that has happened, hurting people with the choices that i made, & i am sorry for all the unnecessary pain that i have caused.

although i am thankful that the people who matters most to me are all happily, healthily still in my life. & that in itself is what's most important, right? so happy new year to everyone who reads this blog. may you all have a blessed life :)

i don't want to call this a problem.

a 'problem' sounds awful.

it's a problem.

we never have problems.

but the problem is, now we do.

& i don't know what to call it

other than a 'problem'.

i have a problem.

i can't stop typing about problems.

maybe i should reach out

& start facing this problem

stare it straight in the eye.

instead of looking away

hiding behind ikhwan's head

where it's easier to forget.

oh.

there's a problem though

(again)

i'm scared of how i myself would react to the whole reaching out part.

because everytime i try to actually face it,

it actually hurts.

i think if there's anyone who actually follow my blog since it's inception, they'll realize that i have moments when i just don't write at all, then i'll go into moments such as these, when i simply flood this blog with posts.

i just want to say

if i were to have not so much a new year's resolution

but a new year's wish

i could really use the ability to box up feelings.

not to get rid of it

just to keep it away & save it for any emergency

if ever i need to feel it

if ever i miss it

if ever.

feelings like onerepublic's secrets, & neyo's never knew i needed

should be boxed up.

for good.

it's just...

... scary.

"Dear God,

The only thing I ask of you is to hold her when I'm not around
When I'm much too far away
We all need that person who can be true to you
But I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
'Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again, oh no
Once again"

-A7X Dear God

nah lagi.. A7X Seize the Day.

memang sihat dengar lagu-lagu macam ni.

amalkan selalu ye hilyah?

lepas ni Starlight live in Singapore 2010 pulak la ye?

repeat 3 kali ke.

carik sakit.

-----

i can be such an ass sometimes.

quite a big one.

huge.

2010

Honestly, i have been trying to construct sentences & come up with a storyline for a 2010 recap post. I've been doing it for quite some time. But other than the Singapore trip in February & whatever happened August 25th onwards, i just can't find anything worth mentioning or highlighting. & the things i wish i could say out loud (or in this case, write), I'm scared of jinxing. Plus not to mention i don't want to possibly hurt people. So i guess if by the 31st i am still incapable of coming up with a proper recap post, this will sort of be it. I should reconsider the use of ink & paper though. We'll see..

------

added at 2315hrs;

i just realized something in a weird, twisted way that i can't quite put into words.

something along the lines of

'not being excited for new years'

'it's just another day anyway'

'what's a difference in one number has to do with excitement?'

& 'ikhwan'.

so, what's the big deal with new years again?

& no, i don't have any resolutions.

thank you.

yes

you don't sit down & bitch

you can get up & fucking walk away.

i can :)

my life fucking depends on you.

now ain't that rich?

------

overstatements is TWO!

happy happy anniversary to youuu

------

*stares into space.

this ain't cool.

raw

There's a million & one things i could say
Or i wish i could say
But i don't want to jinx it
I especially don't want to jinx this
& if i can help it, i don't even want to share it
I definitely don't want to share this
I have been sitting rather calmly through many nights this holiday
& 'calm' doesn't normally appear in the above sentence before
I don't have a solid reason to why i do it
The sitting through the night part
Maybe i love the kinds of thoughts i realize & the realizations i think of
Maybe i love the part where i call you & hear your groggy voice through the silence
Maybe i love how the sky slowly turns blue during daybreak
Maybe i love the loneliness of the darkest hours
& the fears it brings, with sharp clarity
& the honest, raw love that i feel with an even sharper clarity
Like now.

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never underestimate the power of instinct, hilyah. it's seriously 99.9% correct.

tapi dah penatlah bila instinct leads you to korek-korek & godek-godek, lantas realizations.

but what's scaring me the most is not the fact that i get these realizations, it's that i've replaced the word 'hurt' with 'realizations'.

makin besar, makin susah nak belah hati.

nak agih-agih.

aku ingat hari aku beritahu diri sendiri, don't care too much.

let it be, let it be.

nampaknya aku dah sampai sini.

makin hampir dengan destinasi.

insyallah.

you'd think the moment i get my results, i'd fall straight to blissful sleep & dream of rainbows & butterflies. noooo.. my control freak side would never let it happen. she'll start digging for blog posts recapping papers & assignments. then she'll curse my past self for not writing an extensive question-by-question analysis for each paper. then she curses the system for not returning answer booklets so that she'll know exactly how she did on every paper & every assignment. then she starts threatening to dig for the question paper & reassess how she did. you'd think the moment i get my results she'll breathe a sigh of relief, pat me on the back & tell me to go to sleep. noooo.. she'll never let it happen.

i hope tomorrow goes well though. let this be a double celebration. i'm sooo craving for scones & butterscotch shake, it's not funny.

although i don't think butterscotch shake is advisable for someone with so high a fever, it kept his wife up the whole night sponging his forehead. (all the better, actually. you can look while i eat your share heeks).

33 (& a day).

i know i know i know i'm extremely late. no, i did not forget. i just had other things in mind. was just busy with other things. & it's a crappy excuse. but i guess better late than never?

so a very happy (belated) birthday to Mr Dominic James Howard.

who restores peace in my life,

but occasionally shakes it up n leaving me all over the place,

with his orgasmic drumbeats.

you, of course, also deserve all the happiness in the world, Dombielove (or SpiderDom, whichever).

33? really?

whatever crosses this mind.

review of harry potter is so overdue that i can't remember details from the movie anymore. well i know the good thing is instead of starting out ok then ending with me in a rage, the movie started out ok then ended with me in awe! they seriously should have made 2 movies for each book. then they would have had more time to explain everything. really, each potter m0vie isn't just a story by itself. it's not for you to see how grown up hermione is (oh you know what i mean). it's not for you to pick & choose what scenes would best get people excited so they watch it twice & give you more revenue. the whole freaking series is a journey. but i've got to say part 1 of deathly hallows explained a lot. good job, really. there's even details that they added that shows how much they understood the book. like, usually they add details just to piss fans off. but for this one it's, phew, awesome. like bellatrix's hair falling onto hermione's jacket (i hope they follow up on that. that in itself was just awesome i almost jumped off the seat). nyeh.. looks like i do remember what i wanted to say.

anyways

after watching the social network, i feel like deleting my facebook account. don't you? they make everything such a big deal.

and

i'm so influenced by hana tajima (yes. latest obsession) now, i wish my parents would just marry me off so i can start wearing tudung (& all the amazing stuff she wears too). long story.

i'm dead broke though. & i can feel mosquitos feasting on my legs. i'm slightly hungry but i'm just so lazy to go bathe & get dressed. oh & i'm spoiled rotten by Mr. I that whenever he's not around i just get lazy to go bathe & get dressed so that i can eat (or even socialize). oh well.. best let him deal with it later :D

while he hides behind my head (says he)

the lightest of touch;

the smallest of sounds;

the most fleeting looks;

are the ones that truly drives me crazy.

you know?

------

found on paulo coelho's quotes tweet thingy.

"So, I love you because the entire universe conspired to help me find you"

:)

32.

husband;

daddy of five;

best bassist in the world;

BIRTHDAY BOY.

you, too, deserve all the happiness in the world.

happy birthday Christopher Tony Wolstenholme.

benefit of the doubt

Sometimes aku bosan dengan the person I've become.
So.. couldn't-care-less..
sometimes rasa macam pushover.
But
oh well..
there is more to keeping quiet n letting it be
dari jadi tin kosong, no?
I've got my daily fix of 10 o'clock view.
I'm more than fine :))

what I'd hate though would be to be the only person agonizing over this
while on the other end no one's even aware.
hehh..
that'd be an epic waste of braincells.
though i wouldn't say it's a good enough excuse.
*shrugs

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this is.. urgh..

this is a problem.

i can't even write properly.

it is out of control.

i have to address it

but i don't know how.

maybe i need a shrink.

i'm scared i'll sound silly even in front of those who understand most.

argh damn.

go away weird thoughts.

go away vivid dreams.

just allow me to see the person in question regularly,

without these weird feelings;

these aftermaths.

i freaking feel like i'm living a double life.

sampai bila?

tak suka sakit yang macam ni.

gangguan yang macam ni.

thoughts yang macam ni.

#nowplaying OneRepublic - Secrets.

lagi sekali sebab bosan (& sebab ika tag), jom buat.

Ape yg paling penting dlm hidup korang?

nasik. (sebab food is holy).

Benda terakhir korang beli guna duit sendiri?

isi minyak.

Adakah korang bercinta sekarang?

ye la kot. takkan nak kata berkawan pulak kan.

Berapa lame korang akan mencintai kekasih korang?

mestilah nak kata sampai mati. kalau tidak buatpe bercinta kan.

Di mana korang akan jumpe kekasih korang?

di rumah, depan mak. paling afdal bukan? :D

Novel/Buku/Majalah terakhir korang beli?

hmmmm... mrs dalloway la kot.

Apakah name penuh korang?

nur hilyah binti ishak

Antara mak dan ayah korang, yg mane korang lebih mesra?

mungkin mama sebab itu kawan baik bila datang bab bergosip. tapi abah apa kurangnya.

Namakan org yg betul2 korang nak jumpe dlm hidup korang?

sekarang ni? matthew bellamy je la. cukup la kan?

Namekan tempat yg korang betul2 nak pergi?

amazon.

Pilih salah satu.. peluk atau cium?

peluk.

Beritahu 3 perkara tentang orang yg tag korang?

aku panggil dia ekamok. member terbaik time diploma. kuat makan.

5 benda yg korang syg sgt2 dlm hidup korang?

mestilah nak cakap family. pastu kekasih hati. pastu kawan-kawan. pastu ikan gapi. pastu Bells.

Bila tarikh lahir korang dan kat mane korang sambut tahun lepas?

march 17th, 88. tahun lepas meaning 2009? sambut kat perak.

5 blogger yg korang nak tag?

alaa kena tulis ke? takleh cakap siapa-siapa je?

Cerita sikit pasal blogger pertama yg korang tag?

tiada cerita di situ.

i should write about harry potter & the epicness of it. seriously, that is what you call a movie that is adapted from a book. YOU ACTUALLY FOLLOW FACTS FROM THE BOOK. bukan buat ikut suka hati (attn orang-orang yang bertanggungjawab keatas movie-movie harry potter sebelum ni). tapi i'll leave it for tomorrow or something (sebab nak tengok lagi sekali dengan imara pulak heehee).

& i should probably write about teppanyaki too. no, no. not about the food. but about the wake up call that i got, & thoughts, the realizations, the disappointment, the fuck-it-I-am-tired-of-this-ness of it. tapi dalam keadaan rumah sunyi, hujan kat luar, guruh-guruh comel & ada orang tu on the way nak datang sini, i'll leave this for later too.

so till the next proper post.

god this is pointless. huu

to lil&amir, wawa, rayz, diey&izzat, isya, tira, na&lan, jepp, boss, jebon & of course linsayang..

hari bermula dengan oversleepness yang melampau, sampai ke tahap iklil message "wakey2" baru terjaga. janji jumpa 8.30am, bangun 9am. syabas.

mandi laju-laju, orang datang ambil depan rumah. seterusnya ke puncak damansara pick up rayz, & meet up dengan diey&izzat kat shell kayu ara. keadaan: amir driver, iklil co-pilot, rayz, wawa & aku anak-anak di belakang.

sampai satu tahap radio dah bunyi statik. maka iklil korek dashboard jumpa cd pelik-pelik, seperti koleksi 30 lagu-lagu feng tau paling xaxau, & lagu-lagu kahwin (yang dimulai oleh bunyi kompang). sampai ipoh (atau iPoh, bak kata iklil) pick up isya pula. keadaan: rayz & isya pindah kereta diey pulak.

perjalanan diteruskan ke kuala kangsar. pusing-pusing sikit kononnya tengok istana & kampung orang (padahal tak reti tengok gps betul-betul horhor). nasik kenduri awesome (ada orang sampai tambah). bergambar bersama pengantin. oh the usual. na sayang you look so awesomely beautiful. wa jealous. nak kahwin juga.

next stop was medan cendol & laksa (yang not funnily berada di dataran pertandingan kawad kebangsaan NGO 2005. tsk). makan cendol, merasa laksa, jalan-jalan tengok barang, putu piring, bergambar tepi sungai, sumbat kereta 7 orang (gambar bukti akan diupload di kendian hari). said our goodbyes to diey&izzat, & on to UTP :D

& the UTP part was so indescribable sampai saya rasa macam nak muntah keluar perasaan kat sini supaya kamuorang boleh rasa sendiri. to be amongst the people who understands you best, who blends so well, who feels like my own skin & blood & bones & my very being. i swear i am not exaggerating.

of ooohs&aaahs around UTP, of pasukan berbaju hitam bergabung dengan rombongan Cik Kiah berbaju raya, of RBTMs & meggi goreng telur mata takmau sayur, of friends gathered around 3 square tables. & of a welcoming rainbow. i swear i ask for nothing else (especially being in between 2 soulmates & lupa dunia segala).

walaupun perjalanan pulang semua orang dah lemau, & sempit berempat di seat belakang, & jam sikit, & #mitoshantu, but it all fits into such an eventful day that i am left angau, penat & malas nak mandi despite sticky. i love all of yous that made today, today. thank you :D

lama tak buat benatang ni.

Dzulaikha kau ni tau-tau je aku tengah bosan kan. sebab dia dah tag jadi wa buat la (alasan)

1. What time did you get up this morning?

10. gila apa sabtu bgn awal-awal. penangan.

2. How do you like your steak?

welldone, terima kasih. saya bukan fenrir greyback.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?

dinner for schmucks. haha

4. What is your favourite T.V show?

sekarang ni? entah. tengok tv pun jarang.

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?

bayrocks, sunway south quay. sakit hati tengok.

6. What did you have for breakfast?

pada pukul 3 lebih tadi saya makan cake & roti bersama sambal udang kering untuk breakfast.

7. What is your favorite cuisine?

foooooood. food is holy.

8. What foods do you dislike?

yang lidah aku tak berkenan, & tekak tak mahu nak telan.

9. Favorite Place to Eat?

entah. food is holy kan? tak boleh pilih.

10. Favorite dressing?

ini dressing maksudnya untuk salad ke untuk aku pakai?

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive?

encik Bells yang dah service overdue.

12. What are your favorite clothes?

t-shirts yang lagi buruk lagi best pakai.

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance?

sahara desert? the amazon?

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full?

depends la.

15. Where would you want to retire?

entah. nak keje mana pun tak pikir lagi.

16. Favorite time of day?

malam la kot. though, kalau kesunyian, malam la yang paling teruk.

17. Where were you born?

pantai medical centre.

18. What is your favorite sport to watch?

tennis

19. Who do you think will not tag you back?

entah mana aku tau.

20. Person you expect to tag you back first?

kena tag-tag balik ke?

21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this?

entah. siapakah yang akan buat?

22. Bird watcher?

wouldn't call myself that. pernah pergi frasers hill sekali, tapi main-main. though it would be interesting to take this up seriously (selepas incident di taman rimba kiara yang aku tak record. tsk).

23. Are you a morning person or a night person?

errr.. kalau aku berjaga sepanjang malam sampai subuh tu morning ke night? huhu

24. Pets

berpuluh-puluh ikan guppy, serta lebih kurang 5 ekor kucing.

25. Any new and exciting news that you'd like to share?

ada orang sekarang atas east coast highway otw balik ghumah! :D

26. What did you want to be when you were little?

cikgu la, apa lagi.

27. What is your best childhood memory?

entah. those holiday trips i suppose.

28. Are you a cat or dog person?

cat. nampak anjing lari sebatu.

29. Are you married?

yes i am, mekasih. (menjawab dalam mode Nur Sharmila binti Hussain)

30. Always wear your seat belt?

almost always. makin lama makin malas. hilyah, don't ever forget.

31. Been in a car accident?

a minor one, yes.

32. Any pet peeves?

hmm.. sikap suka melambat-lambat kot. buat orang tunggu.

33. Favorite pizza topping?

yang tak pelik sangat. hawaiian chicken la kot sebab paling go dengan tabasco, tak berminyak macam pepperoni serta ada pineapple :D

34. Favorite Flower?

hmm... for myself, wildflowers la kot (imagines the idea of someone picking wildflowers on the way to see you. lagi sweet kan dari bayar orang jual bunga suruh susun & wrap cantik-cantik?). tapi the smell of fresh roses holds a special place in my heart :)

35. Favorite ice cream?

entah. vanilla tapi tak suka yang lemak sangat.

36. Favorite fast food restaurant?

mcd la kot.

37. How many times did you fail your driver's test?

sekali. fine, mati engine. shadap.

38. From whom did you get your last email?

entah. twitter kot. takpun facebook.

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?

hmm.. tak pernah terpikir pulak. mph boleh?

40. Do anything spontaneous lately?

menawar diri untuk buat cake raya selasa lepas la kot.

41. Like your job?

not yet.

42. Broccoli? Cauliflower?

cauliflower.

43. What was your favorite vacation?

i would say singapore. but right now i'm just so craving for a relaxed island getaway that singapore seems hehh.

44. Last person you went out to dinner with?

wow. ikhwan la kot. since dia balik kampung ni i've been locked up in my room.

45. What are you listening to right now?

bunyi kipas la of course!

46. What is your favorite color?

hmm.. is it still green? dah lama tak terpikir pasal favourite2 colour ni.

47. How many tattoos do you have?

wohh if only lah.

48. Coffee drinker?

nope. not so.

49. How many children do you have?

it's impossible to count how many anak ikans (literally) i have.

kena tag orang balik ke? alah.. siapa nak buat, buat la. wa tau cuti-cuti ni ramai yang boring. yang tengah finals pun apa kurangnya :P sila, sila..

menunggumu (kan dah kata wa setia).

i should probably write on my first experience masuk court. dah tu pulak jadi OKT (orang kena tuduh, serious that's what OKT means. tak tipu. haha). perasaan duduk dalam 'kandang' sepanjang trials, dan sebagainya.

tapi mata wa bengkak tak surut lagi (from restless nights, too much reading or some other reason, i don't know) & otak tak mahu berfungsi. saya nak baring sebelah Andy je, sampai dia berbunyi lagu Injection nyanyian Rise Against. atau guitar starting lagu Find A Way from The Used. mana-manalah.

ni lagu apa pulak windows media player main ni? mainlah lagu emosi sikit.

awak nak tahu..

the comfort of knowing that you get almost, if not every single thing that i talk about

is just..

tsk.

i can't describe it.

cepat sikit friday please.

(when wan's trials will be over, & i'll hopefully have you to meet after)

boyfriend baru yang tak berapa baru serta secondhand.

semenjak kehadiran Andy dalam hidup aku, aku makin mengada.

i can't help it, dia terlampau manjakan aku.

semua (well, hampir semua) keperluan aku dia jaga, dia sediakan.

sehingga ke tahap bila nak upload gambar, lepas tu teringat yang cable tertinggal dalam kereta,

aku yang berpakaian tidak appropriate untuk melintas jalan ini lantas berfikir

"alah.. email jer la gambar tu. toksah nak upload-upload".

terima kasih diatas segala kemudahan yang anda tawarkan.

oh Andy, HTC Magicku. (ye saya tahu ia model HTC outdated. tapi bersyukurlah masih dapat call&msg ke kelantan ;P)

aaaand i've just successfully emailed some pictures to myself from my phone untuk ditransfer ke laptop.

i feel both accomplished & extremely fat. hahah

macam best je hari-hari (atau selang beberapa hari) post countdown exams. tapi aku nak post jugak gini. sukati aku lah.

muet down, none more to go.

woot woot!

tak boleh woot besar-besar sebab perasaan woot-woot tu tak lah besar mana.

ada orang tu dah atas east coast highway sekarang.

entah bila nak balik sini.

gugur rambut aku bilang kutu hari-hari.

ada siapa-siapa nak ajak dating tak?

mak menjanda ni.

(hehe chill sayang chill, wa setia. tak tipu)

btw, ahad (ataupun esok lah, kan senang) curve jom? wa nak sedekah dara. eh, darah.

5 down, muet to go. (yes, it does seem rather endless)

balasan daripada tak study untuk paper Inv?

keluar dewan hampir-hampir sejam awal.

oh well

blame it on the weather

nak terkench ok

dan saya memang tak gemar keluar dewan kemudian masuk balik

maka.. til the 10th of december.

brrr.

btw, mulai esok, for a week (maybe more, god forbid) mak menjanda.

haihh :'(

4 down, 1 more to go.

honestly, what impact would an increase in 12% of people aged 60 an above in Malaysia in the year 2013 have towards financial services consumer?

no, seriously.

wa tak berapa nak confident.

ikan berenang-renang sebenarnya lagi exciting dari text berjela-jela.

jam menunjukkan pukul 18.10, petang ahad. perlu mandi, malam ini adalah malam thani gedega' dengan seisi family (again, partner for the night adalah telefon. tak apa, tak apa).

T-20 hours (eh boleh ke macam tu?) ke waktu paper bermula. chapter yang sudah dicover adalah 2.5. itu pun 1 chapter berlaku di sebuah undisclosed location sambil mendengar ahli-ahli keluarga (campur extended) dibawah naungan undang-undang (insyallah) bercakap dalam dialek asing. jadi, chapter yang sudah dicover, dengan confident, adalah 1.5. 9.5 to go ho ho ho.

apakah yang dibebelkan ini?

jawapannya confirm tak ada dalam answer booklet esok.

3 down, 2 more to go.

MD tak lawak ok. tak lawak langsung.

to the moon & back, love.

2 down, 3 to go.

i don't want to talk about it.

especially lepas bercakap dengan Syefik & Izzat lepas paper tadi.

& discover yang diorang telah habiskan 2 answer booklet dengan essay panjang berjela.

shit.

rasa diri kerdil & jahil.

------

dia sedang main game (yang kononnya boring).

aku tengah blogging sambil dengar seluruh music library on shuffle.

yes, you guessed it, we're on the phone not talking much.

juga i've been emailing him random printscreens & a postsecret.

& yes, again you guessed it, i couldn't be happier.

:)

btw, it's time you get your own label. imma ask you want you want it to be called now. hee

dengan bongkak dan bangganya aku berkata "i'm over it. it doesn't bug me anymore, doesn't make sense anymore".

tapi di saat-saat hujan rintik di luar, yang kedengaran hanya bunyi kipas dalam bilik & hidung berhingus tanpa henti, yes it bugs me. di saat-saat baca yasin dalam ruang berhawa dingin, surrounded by orang-orang paling familiar, yes it bugs me. di saat-saat terbaca syam's latest status update, yes it freaking bugs me.

dan walaupun moments macam ini diikuti dengan realizations lain yang lebih make sense, juga mungkin yang lebih hebat impactnya, tapi at this exact moment, right now, it doesn't mean much. i can't relate to it. i swear to god i'm trying. i'm trying really hard to not pick up that phone & spoil someone's vacation.

sebab itu aku kata, jangan biar aku sorang-sorang. bahaya.

bleargh. benci bila benda yang dicari tiada pun in the first place.

sekarang, macam mana mahu tidur?

connections.

it's been 2 months & 2 days.

of fb comments;
fb chats;
emails (yes, we actually email each other things we could easily write in texts. don't ask me why);
gtalk;
skype;
phone calls;
texts;
meet ups;
even scribbled conversations on our desks in class.
sometimes several things at once.

believe me, we've texted in class just because he sat behind, & not beside, me.
& we've gtalk-ed while on the phone because i simply didn't feel like saying it out loud.

god knows what we talk about.

seriously, can 2 people talk this much?

it's been 2 months & 2 days,
& i know we haven't seen anything yet.
but i like it.
i like it very much.
i think i can live with it.
so fingers crossed.

yes saya angau. shh.

1 down, 4 more to go.

i hope my overconfidence won't hurt me on the 10th of dec.

& also my sins

-------

this is all too familar.

the heavy-hearted feelings; the helplessness.

the graveyard & the gloomy weather.

the tahlils.

the same familiar faces.

to yus,

takziah.

al-fatihah.

losing.

it's things like this that gets me so emotional over everything;

that even though after reading back ancient posts on Bloodrush,

& discovering only one mention of you in the space of almost 2 years,

& even that, done carelessly;

that even after knowing perhaps i am disillusioned;

& especially after knowing that i greatly & successfully took you for granted,

to the highest level;

i am saddened by the thought that another life is lost.

your life.

we lost you.

Paramore - The Only Exception

no post ini bukanlah sebab saya hungover paramore, mahupun sebab saya berjaga sepanjang malam dan kini emo. well, memang saya berjaga sepanjang malam tapi i swear to God ia tidak meng-emo-kan ;) post ini adalah sebab i cannot keep it in anymore (eventhough i'm scared shitless i might jinx it, but what the hell).

When I was younger I saw my daddy cry

and curse at the wind

He broke his own heart and I watched

as he tried to reassemble it

And my momma swore

that she would never let herself forget

And that was the day that I promised

I'd never sing of love if it does not exist

But darling,

You are the only exception

You are the only exception

You are the only exception

You are the only exception

Maybe I know somewhere

deep in my soul

that love never lasts

And we've got to find other ways

to make it alone

Or keep a straight face

And I've always lived like this

keeping a comfortable distance

And up until now I've sworn to myself

that I'm content with loneliness

Because none of it was ever worth the risk

Well you are the only exception

You are the only exception

You are the only exception

You are the only exception

You are the only exception

I've got a tight grip on reality,

but I can't let go of what's in front of me here

I know you're leaving in the morning

when you wake up

Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream

You are the only exception

You are the only exception

You are the only exception

You are the only exception

You are the only exception

You are the only exception

You are the only exception

You are the only exception

And I'm on my way to believing

Oh, and I'm on my way to believing

honestly, i can relate more to the video clip compared to the lyrics. but its all part of the song kan? so yeah..

Sayang i hope you will always be my only exception.

I love you.

(aku harap ini bukan) Warkah Terakhir.

aku tau aku egois yang sangat susah untuk ucap kata maaf. kau tak perlu point that out. aku dah lama sedar. & yes, dari malam itu kata-kata kau memang terngiang-ngiang dalam telinga aku. "sepatah sorry pun u tak pernah cakap". word by word, aku ingat.

tapi kali ini bukan sebab ego. bukan sebab tiada rasa bersalah. bukan sebab aku (seperti yang orang selalu sangka) hati batu. tapi sebab aku sedar salah aku ini berapa banyak patah sorry pun tak dapat maafkan. & honestly, untuk cakap hanya sorry aku segan. aku rasa cukup tidak memadai. tapi untuk aku terangkan, untuk aku justify, aku tak mampu. heck, there's no justification to what i did.

aku pun tak tahu whether ini semua fifth-day syndrome yang bercakap, atau mandrem terhebat, atau simply being humbled by your gesture earlier today, tapi aku just rasa aku perlu cleanse diri aku. aku penat dengan hasad dengki benci dendam semua. kalaupun kita tak boleh berkawan, biarlah kita coexist tanpa perasaan-perasaan kesat ni. aku rasa permintaan aku tak banyak.

jadi, maafkan saya. please.

sebenarnya aku agak risau dengan kepelbagaian thoughts yang terlintas dalam kepala aku sekarang. ye la.. you never know kan? tapi buat masa ni, dengan 3 minggu of assignment-hell that just ended, & the oncoming finals, the thoughts are all still at bay. aku cuma risaukan post finals. sangat risau.


baaaabes, this holidays are ours kan? hee can't wait!

whatever happened to "let's not get complicated?".

sayang, this is lesson #2 on a syndrome sometimes referred to as Pretty Much Stressed.

thoughts, thoughts, go away.

come again on a free-er day.

i'm sorry for the influx of short, unintelligible posts.

long sentences are reserved for my apparently never-ending string of assignments.

*word count exceeded

oh & what's wrong with the colouring of the words? why can't i colourize my fonts anymore?

i hate one liners from you.

(so authorative. so insensitive. so commanding.)

but at the same time i know

it keeps me in check

keeps me in control

keeps me in line.

its these little things (of you) that i want to remember.

i want to keep, to write down.

but i don't quite know how.

i am getting emotional over singapore all over again. haihh.. all in the name of my japanese video (yes, apa kaitannya? huhu)

on an unrelated note,

i'm scared to say how perfect you are

fearing that once i say it, you won't be perfect anymore.

so, forgive me for my lack of mentions.

sambungan kepada previous post. tidur 11 jam. woohoo! sampai termimpi-mimpi (you looked really good. really happy. i'm glad). konon bahagia la dah dapat ganjaran 2 minggu bertungkus lumus battle dengan coursework. ehem.

kita cerita perihal student life.

aku tulis ni bukan apa.. nanti dah keluar result boleh la nak evaluate balik setimpal ke tidak result yang kena tang batang hidung. harap-harap setimpal la (walaupun lebihnya masa kat dating. eh tapi dating dalam PTAR 2 ok, don't play-play).

honestly aku tak ingat bila last aku tidur malam melebihi 8 jam. yang aku tau, startnya khamis pagi minggu lepas (bersamaan 30 september) aku bangun pukul 10.30 pagi dan tak tidur-tidur sampai awal pagi sabtu pukul 4. memang betul lagu wake me up when september ends. october tak payah tidur dah. dan semenjak itu paling mahal tidur aku 5 jam. minggu ni kalau dapat 3 jam tu namanya nikmat.

dan nampaknya malam ni nasib pun lebih kurang sama. jam dah pukul 9.03 malam. ada case study mkt yang belum siap dan wajib dihantar esok. script jepun juga belum siap dan nak shooting esok. articles untuk kelas investment untuk dibaca, dinilai, dirumus, dicompile dan diprint serta diburn. juga hantar esok. dan study untuk test eco (yang izzat telahpun berjaya meng-instill fear & panic in the air dengan mendalam bila dia menyedarkan aku yang aku tak tahu sebutir pun pasal IS-LM). ye.. seperti yang tuan-tuan dan puan-puan agak, test ini juga esok.

jadi setimpal ke tidak setimpal? mari kita lihat tang mana yang kena.

Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars

i know i'm not usually out of words. but these.. these i gotta copy paste.

We'll do it all

Everything

On our own

We don't need

Anything

Or anyone

If I lay here

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me

And just forget the world?

I don't quite know

How to say

How I feel

Those three words

Are said too much

They're not enough

If I lay here

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me

And just forget the world?

Forget what we're told

Before we get too old

Show me a garden

That's bursting into life

Let's waste time

Chasing cars

Around our heads

I need your grace

To remind me

To find my own

If I lay here

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me

And just forget the world?

Forget what we're told

Before we get too old

Show me a garden

That's bursting into life

All that I am

All that I ever was

Is here in your perfect eyes

They're all I can see

I don't know where

Confused about how as well

Just know that these things

Will never change for us at all

If I lay here

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me

And just forget the world?

i know you would. pinky promise(s) :)

we go on so-called 'formal/informal' dates. no, we look forward to these dates. we call it the 'ponteng kerja pergi dating' session. dressed formally, doing informal things. heck, the only thing that's planned about most (if not all) of our dates is what time we should meet up. & what strike me was how comfortable i feel in baju kurung, in shopping malls walking beside him.

we talk in derivative terms, of spreading & straddling & 'precious commodity'.

heck. our first movie date was wall street.

sheesh.. can we not be such a business couple? :P

surrealism.

it started with a series of awful events. like a blackout, cracking the handphone's screen, mcd plugs unusable, & finally driving all the way to section 13 to be reading in the dark (but with the plugs usable now) & getting sucked dry by mosquitoes. regardless, everything was done by 6.59am, hence missing precious sleeping hours.

then i was on a roll. of picking up the better one third & having her all to myself (well, sort of) for more than 24 hours. of the chicken rice shop. of shopping for a very (in)appropriate wedding present. of rofl-ing on the floor for, i'm sure, 10 minutes straight. of advices & green light from a certain 'kanda'. & a 5-hour power sleep (after 42 hours straight of consciousness).

& then, surrealism. gosh, Na sayang.. i've known you since we were 7 kot! haihh.. congratulations my dear. words just fail me :D

plus loved ones, old friends, familiar faces, comfort. love. from one house to another, from one laugh to another. really, when you squeeze six girls in one car, what else would you expect. then, unexpectedly, more loved ones (plus bini baru) crapping in my backseat, even without Bena Expectorant's magic.

& finally, the cherry (& icing) on the cake. beloved Scrumptious.

(& not to mention the messages & wall posts that keeps surprising me)

honestly, God sent me angels. :)

obsession.

please tell me that it's obvious to you too.

because i can't deal with the fact i actually understand foreign characters

just because it spells 'Matthew Bellamy'.

*facepalm

perhatian kepada yang tidak terlibat:

rasa-rasanya korang tak perlu masuk campur kot?

tak pernah dengar ke istilah 'assume' itu adalah making an 'ass' out of 'u' & 'me'?

jadi silalah bawa assumptions anda-anda itu kelaut.

menjelakkan.

sense.

thereareajumbleofcontradictingwordsthatisgoingthroughmyheadnow.honestlynoneofitmakessense.andihaveawholeparagraphdraftedalsoinmyheadofhowitmakessenseyetitdoesnotmakesense.thenilostmytrainofthought.andonlyoneremains.thatis

i know if things did not happen the way it did,

it would not actually make that much difference in my life now.

we would have, eventually, drifted apart.

we would not be close like we used to.

we would not play a big part in each other's life.

things would be the same as now, like this, after what happened.

but i'd kill for that reality,

than this one,

feeling all this,

now.

andofcoursemymindarguedthatifthingsweretohappendifferently,thatitwouldhavemadeallthedifference.thatwewouldbethebestoffriends.thatwewouldbesoimportantineachotherslife.thatthingswouldbethecompleteoppositeofwhatisnow.andiwouldkillforthatrealitytoo.

the exceptions.

i know there has been a sudden influx of angau posts from me left, right & centre. you're probably thinking it's because of someone new. nono.. you're so wrong. people (yes, plural) from so far back in my life that they're almost ancient (hehe) are responsible for this. like tonight for example.

like a raya open house & updates session (& getting support :D). like a trip to tutti frutti. like going back to the car & realizing it's gone. like the journey back from the depoh simpanan & witnessing something epic.

like a lot of things, really. you just have to count your blessings. & be amongst people who love you & care for you regardless.

oh i'm so angau still! :D

but of course, someone new (who, i have to mention, has the aura of someone ancient) does contribute a lot to this :)

cheers, beloveds!

Lya Ishak is feeling super blessed.

for the not-so-stolen moments, accompanied by music & endless conversations.

for those who are only a phone call, or a click on gtalk, away.

for people who cares enough to drop a wall or two.

& ask "berapa 2+5".

untuk mereka yang berjanji untuk menjaga.

mereka yang sentiasa ada.

mereka yang tenggelam timbul, tapi ditakdirkan hari ini datang menyapa.

of all the days in a year

Allah chose today

to let me feel this blessed.

Alhamdulillah.

untuk semua-semua;

sayang ini tidak terkata.

tidak terhingga.

:)

hey;

at this exact moment, i am wondering if whatever happened didn't happen, would i be expressing this much love towards you? i am wondering what would i do to wish you, to celebrate with you. or whether i'd just quietly entertain the idea by myself, never saying it out loud to you. like i did. like what really happened actually.

if what happened didn't happen, i think we'd be having quite some fun, if not right now then maybe this weekend. somehow i know the friendship'll pull through. we all go way back, don't we?

but hey, what happened did happen. so straight from this regretful heart, this heart that never stopped missing you:

happy 21st.

p/s: i miss the smell of fresh roses, yes. but the timing's rather off. soon?

so apparently the second wembley show's (september 11th) setlist is made for me.

made specifically to make me cry my eyes dry.

BABI!

*pergi meraung sambil tengok video-video youtube yang direkod dengan format HD*

babi lagi.

Citizen Erased

wash away

clean your body of me

erase all the memories

they'll only bring us pain

& i've seen all i ever need

sebab silence do me no good.

& sounds do me worse.

hurry up, I., before saya buka journal-journal lama again.

Baby, Baby, Baby, oh~

so actually there's a follow up to the story of Boy, the cat who died underneath Bells. i just haven't had the heart to write about it. but seeing how Baby was just now, i think this deserves a mention.

so it went, as Boy lay panting underneath my car that day, Baby accompanied him. just sort of lay down beside him & kept him company. i thought it was cute, 'cause Baby was also a "pendatang" as we call it. he just appeared at my house one day, & Blue took custody of him i don't know why. so he became our cat. & hence seeing Baby welcoming & comforting Boy, it was quite a sight for me. little did i know it was going to impact him so greatly.

the very next day after Boy came & died, Baby fell horribly ill. i didn't notice at first that he was just in the box all day, sleeping. until i saw him curled up, which is so not him because he always will be in front of the grill, or just somewhere with Blue. but he was alone in the box, curled up & asleep. when i checked on him, his eyes were dirty & his nose was completely blocked. exactly like how Boy was when i discovered him. & it saddened me that one, the illness was so contagious that Baby caught it almost instantly & two, Baby had to catch it just because he was being friendly. so i cleaned him & gave him some medicine.

i think, if i'm not mistaken, it has been 3 days since he fell sick. he's almost all skin & bones now. but he seems stronger today. for a start, when i talked to him just now he actually sat up & looked at me. the last 2 days he didn't even as much as open his eyes. & i think he ate some biscuits that my mum put for him in his box earlier today. so i cleaned him again & gave him his meds. i decided to just try put him in front of the water bowl (3 days ago he just stared at the water). he drank quite a lot. so i stroked him, & him being the attention-seeking manja cat that he is, turned to look at me with his one good eye (i have a thing for blind cats, i don't know why). & thats how i know he's going to recover. he's such a strong boy. & then he went to the litter box to do his business. i told you he's a strong boy.

so there you have it. all it takes to touch my heart is just a look. & all it needs is one eye. to Baby, who was kind enough that he himself fell sick, & who's strong enough that i know he'll recover, i'll always be here for you :)