dengan bongkak dan bangganya aku berkata "i'm over it. it doesn't bug me anymore, doesn't make sense anymore".

tapi di saat-saat hujan rintik di luar, yang kedengaran hanya bunyi kipas dalam bilik & hidung berhingus tanpa henti, yes it bugs me. di saat-saat baca yasin dalam ruang berhawa dingin, surrounded by orang-orang paling familiar, yes it bugs me. di saat-saat terbaca syam's latest status update, yes it freaking bugs me.

dan walaupun moments macam ini diikuti dengan realizations lain yang lebih make sense, juga mungkin yang lebih hebat impactnya, tapi at this exact moment, right now, it doesn't mean much. i can't relate to it. i swear to god i'm trying. i'm trying really hard to not pick up that phone & spoil someone's vacation.

sebab itu aku kata, jangan biar aku sorang-sorang. bahaya.

bleargh. benci bila benda yang dicari tiada pun in the first place.

sekarang, macam mana mahu tidur?

connections.

it's been 2 months & 2 days.

of fb comments;
fb chats;
emails (yes, we actually email each other things we could easily write in texts. don't ask me why);
gtalk;
skype;
phone calls;
texts;
meet ups;
even scribbled conversations on our desks in class.
sometimes several things at once.

believe me, we've texted in class just because he sat behind, & not beside, me.
& we've gtalk-ed while on the phone because i simply didn't feel like saying it out loud.

god knows what we talk about.

seriously, can 2 people talk this much?

it's been 2 months & 2 days,
& i know we haven't seen anything yet.
but i like it.
i like it very much.
i think i can live with it.
so fingers crossed.

yes saya angau. shh.

1 down, 4 more to go.

i hope my overconfidence won't hurt me on the 10th of dec.

& also my sins

-------

this is all too familar.

the heavy-hearted feelings; the helplessness.

the graveyard & the gloomy weather.

the tahlils.

the same familiar faces.

to yus,

takziah.

al-fatihah.

losing.

it's things like this that gets me so emotional over everything;

that even though after reading back ancient posts on Bloodrush,

& discovering only one mention of you in the space of almost 2 years,

& even that, done carelessly;

that even after knowing perhaps i am disillusioned;

& especially after knowing that i greatly & successfully took you for granted,

to the highest level;

i am saddened by the thought that another life is lost.

your life.

we lost you.

Paramore - The Only Exception

no post ini bukanlah sebab saya hungover paramore, mahupun sebab saya berjaga sepanjang malam dan kini emo. well, memang saya berjaga sepanjang malam tapi i swear to God ia tidak meng-emo-kan ;) post ini adalah sebab i cannot keep it in anymore (eventhough i'm scared shitless i might jinx it, but what the hell).

When I was younger I saw my daddy cry

and curse at the wind

He broke his own heart and I watched

as he tried to reassemble it

And my momma swore

that she would never let herself forget

And that was the day that I promised

I'd never sing of love if it does not exist

But darling,

You are the only exception

You are the only exception

You are the only exception

You are the only exception

Maybe I know somewhere

deep in my soul

that love never lasts

And we've got to find other ways

to make it alone

Or keep a straight face

And I've always lived like this

keeping a comfortable distance

And up until now I've sworn to myself

that I'm content with loneliness

Because none of it was ever worth the risk

Well you are the only exception

You are the only exception

You are the only exception

You are the only exception

You are the only exception

I've got a tight grip on reality,

but I can't let go of what's in front of me here

I know you're leaving in the morning

when you wake up

Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream

You are the only exception

You are the only exception

You are the only exception

You are the only exception

You are the only exception

You are the only exception

You are the only exception

You are the only exception

And I'm on my way to believing

Oh, and I'm on my way to believing

honestly, i can relate more to the video clip compared to the lyrics. but its all part of the song kan? so yeah..

Sayang i hope you will always be my only exception.

I love you.

(aku harap ini bukan) Warkah Terakhir.

aku tau aku egois yang sangat susah untuk ucap kata maaf. kau tak perlu point that out. aku dah lama sedar. & yes, dari malam itu kata-kata kau memang terngiang-ngiang dalam telinga aku. "sepatah sorry pun u tak pernah cakap". word by word, aku ingat.

tapi kali ini bukan sebab ego. bukan sebab tiada rasa bersalah. bukan sebab aku (seperti yang orang selalu sangka) hati batu. tapi sebab aku sedar salah aku ini berapa banyak patah sorry pun tak dapat maafkan. & honestly, untuk cakap hanya sorry aku segan. aku rasa cukup tidak memadai. tapi untuk aku terangkan, untuk aku justify, aku tak mampu. heck, there's no justification to what i did.

aku pun tak tahu whether ini semua fifth-day syndrome yang bercakap, atau mandrem terhebat, atau simply being humbled by your gesture earlier today, tapi aku just rasa aku perlu cleanse diri aku. aku penat dengan hasad dengki benci dendam semua. kalaupun kita tak boleh berkawan, biarlah kita coexist tanpa perasaan-perasaan kesat ni. aku rasa permintaan aku tak banyak.

jadi, maafkan saya. please.

sebenarnya aku agak risau dengan kepelbagaian thoughts yang terlintas dalam kepala aku sekarang. ye la.. you never know kan? tapi buat masa ni, dengan 3 minggu of assignment-hell that just ended, & the oncoming finals, the thoughts are all still at bay. aku cuma risaukan post finals. sangat risau.


baaaabes, this holidays are ours kan? hee can't wait!

whatever happened to "let's not get complicated?".

sayang, this is lesson #2 on a syndrome sometimes referred to as Pretty Much Stressed.

thoughts, thoughts, go away.

come again on a free-er day.

i'm sorry for the influx of short, unintelligible posts.

long sentences are reserved for my apparently never-ending string of assignments.

*word count exceeded

oh & what's wrong with the colouring of the words? why can't i colourize my fonts anymore?

i hate one liners from you.

(so authorative. so insensitive. so commanding.)

but at the same time i know

it keeps me in check

keeps me in control

keeps me in line.

its these little things (of you) that i want to remember.

i want to keep, to write down.

but i don't quite know how.

i am getting emotional over singapore all over again. haihh.. all in the name of my japanese video (yes, apa kaitannya? huhu)

on an unrelated note,

i'm scared to say how perfect you are

fearing that once i say it, you won't be perfect anymore.

so, forgive me for my lack of mentions.

sambungan kepada previous post. tidur 11 jam. woohoo! sampai termimpi-mimpi (you looked really good. really happy. i'm glad). konon bahagia la dah dapat ganjaran 2 minggu bertungkus lumus battle dengan coursework. ehem.

kita cerita perihal student life.

aku tulis ni bukan apa.. nanti dah keluar result boleh la nak evaluate balik setimpal ke tidak result yang kena tang batang hidung. harap-harap setimpal la (walaupun lebihnya masa kat dating. eh tapi dating dalam PTAR 2 ok, don't play-play).

honestly aku tak ingat bila last aku tidur malam melebihi 8 jam. yang aku tau, startnya khamis pagi minggu lepas (bersamaan 30 september) aku bangun pukul 10.30 pagi dan tak tidur-tidur sampai awal pagi sabtu pukul 4. memang betul lagu wake me up when september ends. october tak payah tidur dah. dan semenjak itu paling mahal tidur aku 5 jam. minggu ni kalau dapat 3 jam tu namanya nikmat.

dan nampaknya malam ni nasib pun lebih kurang sama. jam dah pukul 9.03 malam. ada case study mkt yang belum siap dan wajib dihantar esok. script jepun juga belum siap dan nak shooting esok. articles untuk kelas investment untuk dibaca, dinilai, dirumus, dicompile dan diprint serta diburn. juga hantar esok. dan study untuk test eco (yang izzat telahpun berjaya meng-instill fear & panic in the air dengan mendalam bila dia menyedarkan aku yang aku tak tahu sebutir pun pasal IS-LM). ye.. seperti yang tuan-tuan dan puan-puan agak, test ini juga esok.

jadi setimpal ke tidak setimpal? mari kita lihat tang mana yang kena.

Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars

i know i'm not usually out of words. but these.. these i gotta copy paste.

We'll do it all

Everything

On our own

We don't need

Anything

Or anyone

If I lay here

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me

And just forget the world?

I don't quite know

How to say

How I feel

Those three words

Are said too much

They're not enough

If I lay here

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me

And just forget the world?

Forget what we're told

Before we get too old

Show me a garden

That's bursting into life

Let's waste time

Chasing cars

Around our heads

I need your grace

To remind me

To find my own

If I lay here

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me

And just forget the world?

Forget what we're told

Before we get too old

Show me a garden

That's bursting into life

All that I am

All that I ever was

Is here in your perfect eyes

They're all I can see

I don't know where

Confused about how as well

Just know that these things

Will never change for us at all

If I lay here

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me

And just forget the world?

i know you would. pinky promise(s) :)

we go on so-called 'formal/informal' dates. no, we look forward to these dates. we call it the 'ponteng kerja pergi dating' session. dressed formally, doing informal things. heck, the only thing that's planned about most (if not all) of our dates is what time we should meet up. & what strike me was how comfortable i feel in baju kurung, in shopping malls walking beside him.

we talk in derivative terms, of spreading & straddling & 'precious commodity'.

heck. our first movie date was wall street.

sheesh.. can we not be such a business couple? :P

surrealism.

it started with a series of awful events. like a blackout, cracking the handphone's screen, mcd plugs unusable, & finally driving all the way to section 13 to be reading in the dark (but with the plugs usable now) & getting sucked dry by mosquitoes. regardless, everything was done by 6.59am, hence missing precious sleeping hours.

then i was on a roll. of picking up the better one third & having her all to myself (well, sort of) for more than 24 hours. of the chicken rice shop. of shopping for a very (in)appropriate wedding present. of rofl-ing on the floor for, i'm sure, 10 minutes straight. of advices & green light from a certain 'kanda'. & a 5-hour power sleep (after 42 hours straight of consciousness).

& then, surrealism. gosh, Na sayang.. i've known you since we were 7 kot! haihh.. congratulations my dear. words just fail me :D

plus loved ones, old friends, familiar faces, comfort. love. from one house to another, from one laugh to another. really, when you squeeze six girls in one car, what else would you expect. then, unexpectedly, more loved ones (plus bini baru) crapping in my backseat, even without Bena Expectorant's magic.

& finally, the cherry (& icing) on the cake. beloved Scrumptious.

(& not to mention the messages & wall posts that keeps surprising me)

honestly, God sent me angels. :)

obsession.

please tell me that it's obvious to you too.

because i can't deal with the fact i actually understand foreign characters

just because it spells 'Matthew Bellamy'.

*facepalm