Valspeak.

I really can't remember what made me wiki 'valley girl' in the first place,
But my head is full of random nasally voices right now,
Saying phrases like 'grody to the max'.
Which I honestly don't get, like how did gross become grody lol
Anyways,
Don't you find it so incredible that we Malays actually managed to translate valspeak into our own language?
The most apparent being the usage of the word 'cam' in place of 'like'.
'& I was, like... Whateverrr'
'Pastu aku, cam.. Pape jelahhh'.
Awesome.
So I guess stupidity, or at least wanting to appear stupid (like, why?),
Is universal?
Lol

Randoms & #throwback, mungkin.

Sambung cerita pasal syukur semalam.
Bila baby finally tidur for the night.
Istilah yang kakak aku guna, "settle".
Meaning they have settled down.
But malam ni meaning "settle" tu untuk aku is selesai, habis. Finally.
She was so super cranks today.
Sampai tahap Abah pun penat dengar dia menangis.
But now, sitting in this sepoi-sepoi bahasa-ness of the angin aircond,
Listening to only the best sound ever which is the fan, & nothing else.
Oh syukur.
For this few silent minutes or hours,
Where I get to do absolutely anything I want,
Which, lately, only means reading back harry potter lol.
Tadi punya tahap stress sampai aku tiba-tiba rindu being pregnant.
Despite reminding myself of the loss of appetite & the weird nauseating random smells & the heartburns & the heaviness & the bone-splitting pain in my groin,
I miss that time when she was still small enough to fit inside me & was suspended in water so she wasn't able to make any noise.
Hahah!
But of course I only feel that way because when seen from this side of the experience,
The memory of needing to pee really bad but finding yourself unable to lift your leg up high enough to remove your pants is actually kinda funny.

Celebrations.

It has been such an eventful weekend.
Kicked off with some good news from papa.
Then on Saturday Hilwa turned 8 months old.
& today marks 18 months of us being married.
Oh & father's day!
Lying in the semi darkness of my room right now,
I feel... Syukur.
I'm not elated or ecstatic or anything extreme.
Actually I love how in moments like this I feel more fear than happiness.
I know Ikhwan & Hilwa & all of my family & friends are simply loaned to me.
& they can be taken back at anytime.
Anytime at all.
Ikhwan & I have been talking about rezeki a lot lately.
Because that is one lesson Allah has taught me so much on not just since Hilwa was born, but since we got married.
& with every ease He gifts me,
I hope I grow more humble,
More syukur,
I hope Ikhwan will continue reminding me of how blessed we are,
& I hope Hilwa will continue to grow in health so she can keep me in check on 'kun fayakun'.
At times like this I always find myself out of words.
But the beauty of it is you can be sure Allah knows exactly what it is you're incapable of saying.
Alhamdulillah, Allahuakbar.

Future worries.

When I was pregnant with Hilwa,
I was worried.
Worried financially.
Worried at work.
Worried I won't be able to love her.
I never did feel any 'connection' with her while I was carrying her.
I never really talked to her, unless she kicked me really hard or is making me uncomfortable.
I never went all 'awww' seeing her during ultrasounds.
I was just worried she wouldn't fit in my heart because at that time there was only space for Ikhwan.
That was until I actually felt her inching down my vajayjay & the nurse held her with her legs apart so I could see she was a girl.
No tears came, though my eyes did sting when I looked at Ikhwan.
I guess it's coz I saw how pucat he was & I was afraid he'd faint.
Since then, & especially now, I know it's possible to love 2 people so fiercely,
I've been feeling like my heart expanded just to make room for her,
& is continuing to do so as she's growing up.
But lately something's been nagging at the back of my head.
Even though it's way too early for me to consider a 2nd child,
The idea of it has been floating around in my head.
Ever since my stitches healed & I've been missing the whole birthing experience,
& especially since I decided to stop my hormones-family-planning japs.
Not that I want to try immediately,
Medically I'm forbidden from trying for the time being.
But it's gonna come sooner or later.
& without even realising it, Hilwa's already almost 8 months old.
Time flies.
What's bugging me the most about thinking of being pregnant again,
Is surprisingly not the morning sickness & the heartburns & the pelvis pains.
But the fact that when the time comes,
I have to learn to love a 3rd person.
& right now all I want to do is love Hilwa.
I can't imagine leaving her to go give birth,
Telling her no I can't tend to you because your younger sibling is priority right now,
That I am no longer all hers,
As what she seems to think nowadays because the moment she sees me she goes berserk no matter what she's doing or who she's with.
I know I wouldn't have to force myself to love,
As what happened when Hilwa was born.
But the thought is still... Unsettling.
I've been randomly telling Ikhwan I'm perfectly content with Hilwa,
He entertains me by saying yes ok.
I guess we'll see what happens.