I've been seeing a lot of people talk about 'situations that altered their brain chemistry',

& I can confidently say I knew of one situation in my life.

Now we've been through another, this time together.

It's been a bad couple of days,

Just general heavy-hearted-ness,

I haven't been motivated to do literally anything for the last 1 and a half months.

If the earlier experience kicked started my obsession with blood donation, this one just took me right out of it.

I don't even feel like talking to people, like anyone.

Stopped being able to make eye contact for some reason.

Then I just lay down at home any chance I get, mind buzzing, heart oh so heavy.

I know for a fact I've regressed quite an unhealthy amount.

But for now I do not have the energy to do anything about it yet.

What's exhausting is that I'm aware I need to do better.

It's the same old 'I have no rights or even any idea why I feel this way'.

But I just do not have the will to snap out of it.

It's all just... Exhaustion. Everything is so exhausting to think & feel & process.

So I just want to acknowledge this,

That today I cooked a fairly nutritious lunch for the kids,

I vacuumed somewhat,

I watered the plants,

I plan to fold some laundry,

& we shall call that a decent achievement in the life of a housewife.

& we'll do it all again tomorrow.

You're a cherry blossom; you're about to bloom; you look so pretty but you're gone so soon

I can describe to anyone

With absolute precision,

How the moon looked at 5am

Full and bright on a clear, cloudless sky,

How the sun shone that morning

So fierce that your skin prickles,

How the day turned overcast the moment he was laid on earth

We were shaded and cooled by a solid white sky,

The whole world blurry around the edges.

He has been gone as long as he was earthside.

It has shaken me a little to think that moving on, the grief have lived longer than he ever did.

But grief has a way of keeping itself alive,

By shaping your thoughts and your choices and your faith.

For better or for worse, it's entirely up to you how you let it affect you.

A friend once said to me 

He has fulfilled all of his duties on earth when he was summoned back to Him.

But now I realized his purpose was in him passing young,

To me, at least.

For 17 years I have lived to appreciate every second,

To immortalize all the memories and small moments,

To love and be kind.

I'd like to believe I've become a better person, a better mother, to those around me.

He taught me to slow down and take a moment to feel,

To express to others what they mean to me.

To understand how much can change in a split second.

I rarely hold back emotions and affections.

I try to be frank and speak up.

Because you never know how long a person is allowed to stay in your life,

Until it is too late.

I pray you are forever at peace.

887 weeks,

Not a single one where I don't think of you.