Gold.

i'm having a weird Hanson-I Will Come to You moment, thanks to bubby's wedding last sunday. yes, yes i'm listening to the song the second time in 10 minutes, & i've just downloaded it. but that's not my point.

i was wondering.. was music just better back then? or could it be because i grew up with these kind of pop/ballad-ish songs that mainstream teeny bopper music nowadays just sound bad to me?

entah.. to say i'm into simple, chillax songs that doesn't involve complicated instruments, tipulah. 'cause god knows what muse uses in their songs. or maybe if you're good enough, no matter how complicated the recording process it, you're able to ensure it doesn't translate into the song. you're able to make it sound effortless enough, & hence, enjoyable. maybelah kot.

anyways.. i'm crapping. all i'm saying is i can't stand the radio & all its god-knows-what songs. but hanson, & everything else back in the 90's? that was gold :)

-----

on a totally unrelated topic, but still touching on music; dammit saya single! arghhh conflict of interest >.<

& windows media player ni memang try betul nak pasang Dan Sebenarnya lah, I Don't Care lah.. kalau kau pasang Love Like This, aku bakar kau!

>.< >.< >.<

i'm not heartless. no. far from it. those who know me well might even say i have two, or more, hearts. because when i feel, i feel it with all that i have.

so, no. i'm not heartless.

it's just that, i'm at a stage where all i want is to not be burdened. to be carefree. to have space for me to worry about other more important, worldly things. such as my education. such as my non-existent extracurricular achievements & how i'm going to impress my future employer in this case. such as who the hell's going to be my reference on my CV.

yes. i need space to sort this all out.

so please. i'm not heartless, i swear to god. i do realize i'm causing unnecessary pain. i'm not blind, too, you see.

i just don't want to be burdened. that's all.

Lukas my love scored an awesome goal, so yeah :D

today started with breakfast with wansayang at jaipur.

then it was on to her house getting ready the 3 of us, squeezing for space di celah-celah mak andam paling best dalam dunia & the bride herself. huhu

then "look pretty, look pretty" sambil mengawal hadiah.

dan sedar-sedar it was 6.00 p.m., i was on my bed, pejam celik pukul 8.10 p.m. & i was disoriented sebab mimpi masih berada di kenduri. haa~

then it was Germany vs England yang sangat meriah setiap kali gol masuk (yes, all 5 goals termasuk England punya).

& now it's not sunday anymore, bak kata uncle zainal. oh time flies when i'm with loved ones.

i swear to god all i need is you, & you, & you, & you too yes of course :)

haa best!

dalam kemarahan kau, kau hamburkan segala makian & cacian, tanpa menghiraukan apa.

& dia... dia hanya mengesat air mataku perlahan.




kita dah nampak segalanya di sini kan?
jadi, jangan salahkan aku lagi.
it's your loss.

on a totally unrelated note;

i found this interesting profile on facebook

KAMI BENCI MOHD SAIFUL IZAN KUTUK UITM

ye saya tahu ini adalah isu yang whatthehell kenapa nak diutarakan?
relax, relax.. isu sebenarnya adalah dekat profile picture-nya.


hello tak reti print scrn ke? *facepalm* susah-susah sial.
ini yang buat aku malu ni.

Billy Talent - Diamond on a Landmine

i have been a fan of billy talent's music since i can remember. i can't recall who introduced them to me, though i am quite positive that it's my brother fai. but i've been listening to them since i was in form 4 i think? & i still listen enthusiastically to their first album 6 years later.

but billy talent, like the used, are just music to me. they're not like muse, where i'm in love with the band members & follow their music journey, as well as their personal (& private) life, like a religion. no, billy talent has always been just music.

so today when i saw on twitter that the music video for one of billy talent's song from their latest album "III" has just been released, i thought "what the heck let's check it out. i'm bored anyway". i swear i've never seen any other billy talent video/interview. i've googled their pictures once for some sort of project, & i've read about them on wikipedia. but i've never really seen their faces.

so.. back to the music video of Diamond on a Landmine.. i just want to say, Ben Kowalewicz, you're effing hot! :D


so.. i guess i have a new guy to perve on now huh? yeay! :D

sorry matt...

i don't need the wisdom, or the ability to see into the future, or the courage, to choose one.

all i need is the strength to forget the other. forever.

so, Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku yang Maha Adil lagi Maha Mengetahui, give me strength.

yes, world. i'm in love with two very different men in very different ways.
but both, just as much.

maafkan saya jika hari ini ada sedikit overdose of posts. i need to get my head off quite a few things.

--------

it has been 6 years.
it feels like 6 months.
it's fresh like it's just been 6 days.
alfatihah.

-------

sebab aku semacam tahu seperti aku perlu baca benda-benda ini malam ini.
dan fahamilah kata-katanya.
dan selamilah tarikhnya.

to those i've hurt & pushed aside, i'm sorry.

the older i grow,
the better i know myself,
the more i'm cautious of the things that will hurt me,
the more paranoid i am,
the less i know for sure.

i am losing everything.
i let myself lose everything.
i convince myself to let go of everything.
because the more i know, the less i know.
& one day, i will know it all, & know nothing anymore.



maybe before that happens, my paranoia will drive me crazy. & then...
... eternal bliss.

random post of the day.

one of the advantage of having your own car is bila lapar at any time at all, you can go buy whatever it is you feel like eating tanpa perlu minta kebenaran orang/tunggu orang bawak kereta balik (given makanan tu tak boleh delivery dan bukan within walking distance lah). juga, nak kemana-mana senang tak payah booking kereta, minta orang hantar, tunggu orang ambil, dsb.

tapi, the downside is that your friends people will generally only call you untuk minta hantar sana sini. which is inevitable lah come to think of it kan? kalau kau takde kereta, kau nak ke ajak orang takde kereta jugak lepak? mestilah tak kan? it doesn't make sense. juga, kereta pun perlu makan jadi setiap kali nak keluar kena ready busuk-busuk pun rm10 untuk isi minyak. maka duit diperlukan di situ. juga bayaran loan kereta tiap-tiap bulan, maintenance, etc. tapi itu cerita diluar scope tajuk hari ini.

berbalik kepada isu asal. for me, it's kind of (i repeat, kind of) funny lah untuk tengok golongan kawan-kawan orang-orang yang hanya call bila perlu roda empat ni. you can go on for weeeeeeks tiada berita macam tak pernah kenal langsung seumur hidup. tiba-tiba satu hari ada random phone call (macam semalam). hah! aku tahu dah. mesti takdak transport ni. jadi aku tekan phone bagi silent. hahah! nasib baik kau tak call kali kedua mahupun ketiga.

tapi kan.. bukan korang gaduh ke?

ok dah lari topic lagi. apa-apa jer lah. as long as you guys are happy. ada bb pun kereta takde (lesen pun takde? ish ish ish) buatpe? tettttttttt
dahlah.. saya mahu tekankan disini, post ini bukan ditujukan kepada cik nur lina binti mohamed radzi & nor hazwani binti zainal. this is why, linsayang & wansayang, i want to live with you guys. sebab kalau ada apa-apa we can just go knock on each other's doors. & lepak atas couch depan tv. oh what a life that'll be!

hah i don't think this makes much sense. tapi apa-apalah. saya rasa harini saya kurang gula :) (despite makan cendol petang tadi huu) aaa takpaham takpaham~

a note for all the guys out there.

if any of you ever find yourself in a situation where your girlfriend dumps you for no solid reason, please keep in mind that:

1. desperation adalah turn off.
2. drama sangat tak perlu. you don't want to be the girl in the break up. jadi please, aku ulang. drama adalah SANGAT tak perlu.
3. acting, or lagi bagus if you can honestly feel this way, like her leaving you didn't affect your life at all will most probably work in getting her attention back.
4. involving her friends/family in your break up will just annoy her more. okay friends maybe boleh terima lah. you may ask her close friends what went wrong. but if you annoy them too, then you most probably have blown all chances. but her family? nonono.
5. have some ego! no matter how scratched yours are, just at least pretend you still have it.
6. & sekali lagi aku ulang, DRAMA ADALAH TIDAK PERLU.
7. keep your tears to yourself. if you've failed to get her back after the third random burst of tears session, chances are all we feel for you is "kesiaaan.. did we pussy-whip you this bad?"
8. (i think i better stop here) remember a girl wrote this. yes, this is how mean we can be if you've annoyed us that much.

selamat mencuba! :D

p/s: there's an exception for guys yang kena dump after years & years of serious relationship. best thing to do is leave her to do whatever she wants & let her come back to you with time. tapi kalau baru beberapa bulan & she leaves you, this post applies to you.

lemah!

ah sudahlah tuuuuuuu.
tak payahlah publicly show your pain. kau lelaki kot. ego sikit boleh tak? kenapa perlu bersepai sana-sini? kau buat aku makin menyampah. makin lose faith in you. kau buat aku makin proud dengan decision aku. fyi, aku suka lelaki ego. jadi ego sikit boleh? show the world you don't just live better without a girl, but you actually don't even need a girl from the start. barulah aku teruja sikit nak reconsider decision aku. barulah rasa nak kejar kau balik. ngoi.

gosh i'm so annoyed by everything. please lah.

post bimbo sedikit & update sedikit

i honestly need new tshirts for everyday outing wear. but i'm being tempted by cute floral-ish girl-ish tops. huuu mana nak cari cute floral-ish girl-ish tshirts for everyday outing wear? oh! esok lusa bijou kat solaris. ooh oohh~ :P

anyways.. i'm kind of regretting not doing a recap of my exams. sebab sekarang baru terasa nak justify aku layak ke dapat grade yang telah dikurniakan oleh lecturer tersayang. grrr.. macam nak bukak balik test paper tapi malas nak bertindak. best ke demam & selsema & batuk-batuk lepas dapat result mengejut pertama anda? grr lagi.

takpelah. whatever will be, will be. look on the bright side. proses register untuk MUET dah selesai. hopefully it's accepted & i can get it over & done with :)

hahh.. time to try to focus on world cup. barulah aku tahu hambarnya macam mana bila tiada 'teman'. hahah

-------

found what i want. nooooooo~ ada sesiapa nak topup sikit (atau belanja saya terus?) heeeee

• butterfly resistance

come on.. pounds tengah murah kot! hehe

karangan bergambar.

matthew is just a normal guy

awkward & shy, even

who honestly loves his music

& delivers it from his heart

he has eyes that can kill

with a stare that penetrates deep into my soul

& a great voice to boot

& did i mention he's a great driver?

we also share some things in common, like the pinky problem :)

matthew bellamy is just a guy who wants to have fun

but most importantly, he keeps me reminded of a dear friend of mine

for the strength.
for restoring peace.
for something to hold on to in life.
for something to look forward to in life.
for music.
for all this & more, i love him.

happy birthday, again! you deserve all the happiness in the world :D

32.

happy birthday mr bellamy my love.

happy 9th of june.

a new beginning, again.

thanks for the strength.

roadtrip!

spend pretty much the entire day with little brother dearest. from ttdi to kl/brickfields to (the whole of) PD to UKM (ehem!) & around bangi & back to ttdi. fun it was. & little me got a peck on the cheek at the end of it. awww time well spent i say :')

on a somewhat related note..

... I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehow
I want more...

:)

i've made up my mind.

no.. more like, i've realized it. i finally saw it. i've lived it. & i know it.

i just don't know how to act on it.

:S

of a 24-hour boulder & toprope climbathon.

while keying in the scores (for the second time around) last night, words for a blog post ran through my mind. but now, with the tv on full blast, i can't quite think. all i know is that, yesterday was insane. & i have all the rights to sleep all through today, hence missing my shift (though i feel truly bad about it).

there's just something about crisis that brings people together, doesn't it? because it wasn't introductions that broke the ice, it was the numbering crisis. & by the end of the night, after only 6 hours of working together, we were a strong team, able to handle anything that came our way (including screaming & shouting through VERY loud music while handling an angry mob of climbers who wanted to make the most of the double point blackout session).

but yesterday was indeed insane. it was hell tiring, hell stressful, & to me hell fun. honestly i'm sad that i missed my shift today. & i don't know where to put my face. but i just couldn't carry myself out of bed pagi tadi (tiba-tiba pdus's "takboleh bangun tidur" punya joke yang diulang-ulang the day after eupho comes to mind. hahah!). not to mention it was already 8 a.m., a solid hour past the time i was supposed to report for duty. oh well..

so yeah.. the experience was very valuable to me. & the "flirting in the office" session, as imara calls it, made it 10 times better. i wouldn't mind volunteering again if ever there's an Enduro 2. & of course, i wouldn't miss my second shift for the world. huu.. sorry though, for today *blushes in humiliation*

Hey Kitty Kitty

saya rasa saya sudah jumpa theme song saya. yeay!

well, not so yeay lah kan. but at least it's spot on. huu

mula-mula Endlessly.

lepas tu Time After Time.

next, Sober.

sekarang Running.

adakah signs dalam bentuk music?

atau adakah..?

i think things are getting clearer, even if only slightly.

this Summer;

what is this, you may ask.

seriously, what the fuck is this colourful triangular thing?
well, it's muse making me cranky.

really.. their rehearsal pictures are making me real grumpy.
check it out at sunset.
grr.
now, check it out after dark.

ladies & gentlemen,
this is only a small part of
what i (& everyone else who's not going) will be missing out on.

dear You, i find it easier for me to write on my blog instead of saying whatever needs to be said straight to whoever's face because, as laughable as this may sound, i don't like hurting people. i know after 22 years of life, i've hurt a lot of people, & some, repeatedly, but if i can help it, i wouldn't want to. not straight to their face. so i write it down. here. somewhere public yet private. somewhere exposed yet hidden. if whoever's concerned stumbled upon it, then i say read at your own risk. & this is why i'm writing today. to let it out. to the wind, or to the spiders that crawl this world wide web, & let fate carry it anywhere & anyway it wants.

dear You, you're right. if they aren't teachers then they aren't teachers. all we can do is be patient. & count. & distract the mind. & accept. & do what we're told. even though we would like to lash out & say "but it would have been SO much easier if you just told me from the start". & i know you get to do that, lash out. good for you. as for me, i can't. so i write here in hopes that i get out of this alive, & hopefully that much richer to be able to get away. i just hope that you'd have my back in this & understand a little. i'm 22 & on holidays. understand that bit is all i'm asking for.

dear You, it would have been SO much easier if you just told me from the start. i'm learning, god knows i'm learning. 80% of the time you're not there for me to ask. so please, bear with me. & help me. stop pacing around. you're making me restless. help me. doing one or two while you wait for me is helping me enough. it is all i'm asking for, after all that you have asked (& still asking) of me.

dear You, you don't know how lucky you are for getting away with not doing this. i envy you for being privileged, for being able to not get involved & still not causing anger. i don't know how you do it. maybe it's the perks of being the odd one out. but i do envy you. oh & btw, shut the fuck up. you got away with it so just shut the fuck up.

dear You, i appreciate your concern. but right now i honestly have enough on my plate. you saying things, it frustrates me. i can't do anything about it. yes i wish i could do all that you've suggested, but i can't. so stop. just be silent. just... be. i'm sorry. i know i've been lashing out to you. but i really, honestly already have too many things to deal with now.


today i learnt that i should just stop fighting it, & with acceptance peace will come.

insyallah.