cebisan.

kalau nak cerita pasal penat, tak ter-trace dari mana penat tu bermula.

sekarang ni, penat dari opkim mungkin dah habis.

penat dari FSA seminar dah tinggal hujung-hujung kot.

jadi mungkin sekarang ni rasa penat cuma dari siapkan report FSA semalam & presentation utk BEL tadi.

tapi tak bestlah cerita pasal penat.

sebab penat ni tak ada hujung, tak ada pangkalnya.

kalau nak recap pasal opkim, tak ter-recap dah kot.

sebab pertama, sila rujuk di atas (hint: aku penat).

sebab kedua, ada isu-isu tetttt yang tak best lah nak cerita kat sini.

biar isu tu jadi bahan gossip, mengumpat dan gelak-ketawa kami (tak kisahlah 'kami' tu siapa kan heheh) kat fac.

cuma satu aku suka, at last dah jumpa sense of belonging (walaupun di saat-saat akhir).

tak ada lah lepas ni kalau anak cucu tanya best tak zaman study dulu, aku tak ada memory nak cerita kan?

special dedication kepada bakal bapa/datuk kepada anak cucu yang dimaksudkan tadi:

terima kasih tak terhingga kerana sentiasa (SENTIASA, ok?) berada di sebelah.

dari atas bas, ke gotong royong, ke pantai, ke karaoke,

sampai ke seminar FSA,

dari awal sampai ke akhir (insyallah).

"baru saya tahu jasa ketua kampung *nangis, nangis*"

(pinjam dari ryan higa) TEEHEE!

what's the difference between learned & learnt actually? (no i don't want to Google it)

learn: gain or acquire knowledge of or skill in (something) by study, experience or being taught.

(kalau orang melayu, dia kata "kena ajarrr sikit ni!")

learning: life.

learned: having acquired much knowledge through study (atau kena ajarrr cukup-cukup la).

i know i said i won't Google it.

i did.

but i'm too lazy to Google it further so i truly get it.

i kinda get it. that's enough.

you know, it's not even important to properly get it.

it actually does not have shit to do with this post.

moving on.

i have learnt to not let other people put blames on me.

unnecessary guilt.

you feel bad?

take it upon yourself, reflect.

do not accuse me of anything.

i'm not buying it anymore.

you can say that i am learned.

you know what, i'm done.

there's nothing to hold on to anymore.

there.

i don't need flowery words to say so.

i should be doing work.

i should be strong. (retreat hell!)

i should be asleep, if not doing work.

but i can't.

this is monday blues at its worst.

Ya Allah, Kau permudahkanlah urusan hambamu ini.

SPOILER ALERT: Battle: Los Angeles

so we (as in ikhwan & i) finally had a life & went out yesterday. Thanks to the cousin-in-law lah kan, sampai kena up offer nak belanja movie baru ikhwan agree. So off we go to curve in dangerously high speed, in the rain. (never trust a driver who haven't shaved in probably half a year!)

we saw battle: LA. mula-mula nabil nak tengok merong mahawangsa but then dia tergoda dengan LA so yeah.. at first i was like "ngeh.. cite perang-perang, ada alien. double you tee eff?"tapi diam jer lah kan orang belanja kot. Since our movie was an hour away, we had an early dinner of meatballs! (psst.. nabil makan 3 pinggan ish ish ish)

i don't know whether it was my mood being uplifted by the meatballs or if it was really the movie that was awesome (i now assure you it's the latter), i really enjoyed the movie. first half of the movie tu cuak sikit lah. i was basically watching from under ikhwan's armpits. not because aku takut alien, no no no. but it was a war movie kot! aku ni dah lah tengok orang kena cubit pun aku yang rasa sakit. ni pulak kena tembak, kena bomb, kena langgar meteor lah apa lah. of course the worse part for me was masa (this is when the spoiler comes) diorang dissect the alien untuk find out how to kill it. damn kesian ok. kau imagine kau askar, pastu kau kena culik dengan enemy & diorang robek-robek dada korang, every single thing yang diorang jumpa diorang tikam sampai lah diorang eventually jumpa hati korang & then baru korang mati. fuck doh. fuck.

but then after that things started to get ok. or maybe aku start to get excited. or maybe aku sedar yang movie ni takde lah gory mana. so yeah.. it was really good. oh & lagi satu benda, kitorang dahlah duduk 3 rows from the screen pastu camera shots dia nak ala ala blairwitch project (not as bad, but ada lah gegar-gegar lari-lari) aku dah cuak kang muntah meatballs atas riba ikhwan pulak kang. but it actually added to the whole movie experience. rasa macam betul-betul kat sana pulak.

satu je lah potong pasal movie ni. cineleisure ngoi pergi buat credits dia jadi lame gila. lagu balada amende tah diorang pasang. my guess is the movie was too awesome they ran out of budget to make a proper credit. but yeah.. the movie is worth watching (lagi-lagi kalau free).

lepas tu kan........... nabil makan 2 hotdog pulak.
*facepalm


** tag feline kat bawah ni sebab nabil tak habis-habis cakap pasal cats & catnip. kesian ikhwan. i should get him a pet. or maybe some catnip. :D

due to the extensive amount of work, i have decided that this year, my birthday will be celebrated on April 17th. so, that's one whole fat month before i turn 23!

*rolls around*

pftt. if only.

that solf, silky feeling.

honestly, it's not that i remember dreaming about him because i spend time going over my dream everyday after i wake up

but it so happens that when i dream about him, i wake up to this soft, telltale feeling

a feeling unique only to him

a feeling i feel only if i see him, or be around him

& this is what usually cause me to comb my memory

dig deep

until i find the particular scene where he's involved

that is unless i wake up with the dream foremost on my mind

& dreams like the one i just had

where it's not at all imaginative & fiction

but reality

seeing a video of him shot just days before the accident (even though the video is made up in my mind, but here i am dealing with a real situation)

it breaks my heart all over again

it brings back long forgotten feelings

so, really, it's not that i can't get over it.

it's that i keep on being reminded about it.

some experts say there's three stages to dealing with death

first, shock

second, anger

third, the all out grief & sadness

but then.. where does guilt come in?

because you've got to be kidding me if you say there's never been one time that you've felt

"shit.. if only i just knew what was going to happen,

i could have stopped it.

get him out of the scene"

anything, just so he wasn't involved, just so it didn't happen altogether.

& even though it was never, ever your fault

you just can't help but feel, during your times of lowest of the low, that you've failed yourself & everyone by not knowing & not stopping it.

i don't know

that's what i felt last night, at least.

1 & 2 & 3

there are 3 blog entries in my mind right now. let's just pile them together.

---------

a tree too big for the puny yard

driveway drenched in rain

this view alone is enough to make me feel

like the madness of the past (give & take) 5 weeks

never happened.

home is where the heart is rests.

--------

take a look at my awesome-est birthday present to date! (ok fine. i know buppy gave me a black kitten for my 20th birthday. equally awesome, yes)

feline love :D

------

(written March 10th, 2011, 1905hrs, 2nd floor PTAR2)

In this week alone i have learnt that:

1. mantras do work. telling myself that i have to be, & am, strong results in (surprise, surprise) being strong!
2. the presence of Ikhwan helps A LOT with lesson #1. it does not hurt to have someone to pamper & spoil you most of the time (especially when feeling weak)
3. food & a quick bath does wonders to the body & mind
4. referring to lesson #3, the years of practice that i had during KRS days of cleaning up in the weirdest places has paid off. all i can say is, compared to just now, i've bathed in smaller cubicles.
5. when my brain is overworked, it heats up & become toast. yes, the bread toast.

now all i have to do is stay sickness-free til at least the 10th of May. *i hope this doesn't jinx anything*.

10 days to go.

kita tengok tahun ni macam mana.

tapi rasanya busy sangat sampai tak sempat nak birthday blues-birthday blues ni.

honestly sekarang kalau fikir pasal the 17th mesti rasa macam

"shit by then dah tengah bulan 3. portfolio satu hapa tak start lagi, due date awal april. academic visit real estate pun tak settle lagi. BEL. CTU. finals. arghh!"

aku penat.

seriously.

KKSB.

for RM1.00, i got:

1. 4 days worth of legal drugs
2. some funky pink-capsuled pills
3. day cream & night cream (orang lain bayar ratus-ratus kat estee lauder woo! <-- lari topic)
4. professional opinion from someone experienced & qualified (& most importantly, reassurance! at least, for now)
5. one day off from class heheh. fine yang ni pandai-pandai buat sendiri
6. love & support from parents & boyfriend dearest (ye. cuak sorang-sorang memang tak best. bila ramai-ramai cuak baru rasa berbaloi cuak sorang-sorang tu)
7. kelayakan untuk mope around sepanjang hari seperti seorang pesakit terdaftar

not bad, right? & what's best is it wasn't even my money. ngahah!