Homesick-y

It's been a week since I delivered.
& boy is that a story to be shared.
But tonight I don't want to talk about it yet.
Instead I want to talk about muse.
Yes, muse. The band.
Facebook suddenly decided tonight that I needed to see a conversation between an old muse friend of mine & a friend of hers.
He said something so simple like "New born. This is muse".
& it struck something within me.
I miss muse.
The new born muse.
Not the current cheap, acah futuristic with brainless lyrics muse.
I'm not even sad anymore about missing the concert.
I just have this really homesick-y feeling in the pit of my stomach,
& the need to listen to all of their albums up to resistance.
& pretend anything beyond that doesn't exist.
Haihh Matt, why did you have to go all Hollywood & ruin such a good thing?

Failure.

I just realized I'm kinda failing bad at motherhood.
I remember pre-marriage & Hilwa I would look up so much to mothers who could calm their fussy babies & put them to sleep.
Well now I do it daily, a few times daily.
But it's not a skill.
It's just them bubis.
& me lying down next to her, most of the time impatiently, playing candy crush to pass the time.
& I failed so bad at weaning her off & teaching her to go to sleep herself lol.
She's 1 year 10 months old today,
Still dependant on my two girls to go to sleep,
Still wakes up every few hours at night just for some comfort suckling,
& I'm supposed to start newborn feeding like really soon.
I'm screwed.
Oh & another thing I'm still failing at is to go into labour sheesh.

The waiting game.

Updating my "checklist".
- I can no longer fit my wedding ring. Well, can la tapi ketat acah2 takle bukak balik so it has been stowed away for now.
- dah experience terjaga tidur sbb kaki cram. Maybe twice in the last few days? So compared to Hilwa this one started pretty late & I hope I don't endure too much of it.
- dah start solat duduk since yesterday (38w6d). Ingatkan boleh go all through pregnancy but then I realized this last few weeks dah tak larat sebenarnya but I'm forcing myself due to ego. Sampai tahap dreading solat, which doesn't make sense anymore.
- heartburn slowed down kejap haritu but since Saturday it came back with a vengeance omg now it's like constant heartburn sakit gilaaaaa
- this time takde sakit pelvis (so far) sampai rasa macam nak patah kaki bila jalan, but I feel like my vajayjay is holding up an effing bowling ball (which is betul la kan kepala dia dok rest kat situ kot). Good thing it goes away when I lie down, but when the pain comes it's enough to make me consider an emergency csec lol.

It's already Wednesday so officially 39w1d.
This time during Hilwa I was getting ready to go to the hospital for the 3rd time,
& I'll soon be admitted but won't give birth for another 30 hours.
I'm terms of level of excitement, yes I definitely won't mind going into labour right now,
But let's hope it doesn't take as long huhuuu.

Comparisons.

I just reread my blog posts leading up to Hilwa's delivery.
So much drama lol.
Orang tanya due date & gender pun sentap bahaha!
But I guess it's different this time around because I don't meet that many people.
Heck, I only go out with lin.
So compared to back then when I meet so many people at the office everyday,
Touching my bump & asking the same questions, yes it's super annoying.
& not to mention being in the same clothes for hours on end really made matters worse.
I used to come back after work & scratch the hell out of every inch of my skin.
So during Hilwa I got a lot of stretch marks.
& they're still there, mind you.
Nowadays I pretty much bathe every time I need to solat.
So that's like 5 baths a day,
& sometimes up to 3 changes of clothes.
Because why go through the torture?
Rimas? Go commando under kaftan.
As a result ikhwan puji-ed me kali ni kulit you takde stretch marks merah2 macam dulu. Teehee.
The bone shattering pelvis & back pains pun takde kali ni.
I can still pretty much lie & sleep on my back,
Though kalau depan tv directly on the carpet mmg akan sakit la.
But it hasn't interrupted my sleep. Yet.
I'm already halfway through week 37 so even if it suddenly starts, 2.5 weeks is not so bad.
I think my insomnia during Hilwa started like 5 weeks or more before I delivered.
Could be due to the stress at work,
Mengadap pc nonstop for at least 10 hours daily,
Thinking of the recs problems & ways to solve.
These days the only solution I need to come up with is how to maximise number of clothes on the penyidai lol.
My bump feels pretty small too.
I remember feeling super huge & heavy last time,
This time I do get the occasional omg-I'm-a-whale moments but most of the time I'm fine.
Just as long as baby is not pressing on my bladder,
Which seems to be its favorite past time now.
I've got a scan tomorrow,
We'll see if it has grew.
3 weeks ago it was a bit small for a 35-weeker, I guess because I was fasting.
So yeah..
The only thing consistent with last pregnancy is the heartburn.
Terrible, terrible heartburn.
Which seals the deal, I ain't getting pregnant for a third time lol!
Now let's hope this post don't jinx me for these last couple of weeks.