2013, the long-winded one.

I remember when I sat on the toilet the day after my wedding & suddenly felt overwhelmingly scared of the responsibilities that I had newly acquired.
Especially thinking that sooner or later (oh boy was I clueless at the time on how soon it was) I would become a mother.
But let's not start on that note.
2013 is so, so much more.
After two months of lazing around & gaining back the weight that I had imaginarily lost leading up to my wedding,
I finally joined HSBC.
Thinking back, this was perhaps the most depressed I've ever been in my life.
I just found out I'm pregnant,
Which threw me into a state of utter panic,
& I'm starting a new job which I joined solely because I wanted to be with my husband.
I seriously didn't know what to expect.
During the first month on the job all I did was refresh the intranet homepage & read basically all news ever published by the company.
That, & secretly praying I'd be placed in the fee team.
Their job looks so awesome to me.
They come in, chat with people, go down for tea, laugh & joke while working throughout the day, & then leave on time.
I want that job.
& I did get that job.
Along with the knowledge that they've been so lek at work because they couldn't do any work.
Migrating to a new system screwed up fee so bad they stopped doing work for 5 whole months & just waited for a way, any way, to correct what's wrong.
3 weeks into my joining the team, the clean up work began.
About 2 weeks later, our team leader fainted flat on her face, literally, due to exhaustion caused by overworking, stress & lack of sleep (she was staying late in the office & her babysitter was unwell so she had to look after her son in the morning which means only 2-3 hours of sleep for the past 2 weeks maybe).
& 1.5 months into the job, I was unceremoniously handed the lovely task of cleaning up the shit that fee was in.
That was when I realised how deep the shit was.
Thus began my turn to stay back at the office a couple of hours every night,
& seeing the recs file as we call it fluctuate as it pleases,
& having to explain why as if I purposely increased the figure simply because I felt like it.
Somewhere in between all this,
Ikhwan & I managed to go on a vacation to Sabah, which was good,
& we also took our core leave during raya & went back to Kelantan, which was also good.
(Oh & throughout Ramadhan I would cook everyday at 2, 3 am for our sahur & next day's buka puasa at work cause I'm an awesome wife lol).
But upon returning from those vacations, fee would always be in a worse state than when I left it.
Simply because we were so understaffed it's not even funny.
Then Dan came.
God, talking about Dan always made me teary eyed.
He was the boss of the boss,
The guy who if copied into any emails complaining about fee, we'd be terrified.
& here he was all friendly & helpful & random,
Like buying us drinks from glojy & telling me 'don't ever let anyone tell you it's easy' while chatting to me about having a baby kinda random.
Of course he came down because our problem had gotten so bad that people were beginning to question if he was doing his job,
But instead of coming here to glare down his nose & breathe down our neck to see that we did our job properly (which they thought we weren't),
He helped. A lot.
Our business partners are so alien to us as we almost only communicate by email, & it's always so formal & unpleasant,
That when I met Dan face to face, I was so surprised to find him so human.
However by this time I was already heavily pregnant & shortly after I tendered my resignation.
But this whole experience, the coming in early & staying back late,
The brainmelting process of trying to solve problems with 1001 possible causes,
The stress & disappointment of finding more & more problems to deal with, overriding the few that was successfully settled,
I wouldn't change any of it.
I honestly feel like I've never been so satisfied with a job or task that I've done in my life.
& not to mention gaji rasa halal betul since there is absolutely no time to dawdle or waste while at work.
Alhamdulillah since I left fee has received 2 new staffs.
I really hope they're doing better & I honestly miss everyone & everything, even the shit.
I guess I feel so good about my job because I left it at a good time,
We have just managed to bring the recs file to the lowest it's ever been,
& the work on the other problems were also progressing smoothly,
& I parted with my teammates & superiors on a good note.
It's nice to be flattered with thanks & appreciation for the job that you've done because believe me, I've never tried so hard or gave that much to anything I've ever done before.
The fee recs file has become like my first baby, if you asked me then I knew exactly what was on it & why it's still there.
& just in time,
I gave birth to a healthy, happy baby girl on 14th of October.
That is a drama on it's own,
With the water bag scare on Saturday,
& being told to go home from the hospital twice,
Having strong, regular contractions for almost 40 hours, & not having any progress for the most of it,
The whole process was so long & painful & exhausting that I couldn't even tell the days apart & what happened before which.
Heck, I can't even remember how the pain felt now.
All I know is pushing the baby & having her shoot out of me was the best feeling ever.
& my days with her ever since has been indescribably beautiful that I'm scared of saying anything specific for fear of jinxing it.
Only Allah knows my feelings & the prayers that crosses my mind every time I look at her & Ikhwan.
I have had such an uplifting 2013 & I'm so thankful.
The best husband I could ever ask for,
A fulfilling job that really helped me grow, boosted my confidence & flattered me with all the appreciation that my colleagues showed me,
& a darling daughter.
All I can say is I'm ending 2013 right now exactly where I've said I wanted to be,
A fulltime (earning) housewife, on my bed with my daughter sleeping peacefully, & still blessed by Allah to be listening to the fireworks outside.
Though, it'd be nice to have my husband too.
Guess we'll have to celebrate the new year together according to London time later.
Happy 2014!

Chapter 1.

Yesterday was our first anniversary.
Believe me I wanted to post this yesterday itself.
Dates matter to me.
But our weekend was so eventful I'm still tired from it.
So..
Here's to a month of honeymoon bliss,
9 of pregnancy bliss,
& 2 of chaotic bliss (in the form of broken nights & soiled diapers).
I love you to death, Mohd Ikhwan Arif.
& of course, Hilwa Anis.
I can definitely say I revisited our wedding day in the form of how I felt at the end of the day.
Brainmeltingly exhausted!

Weight.

A friend wrote a status once, just after she had a child, that she would randomly check her baby to see if it was still breathing.
I found it funny at the time.
& I also could not imagine what she must have been feeling.
Well I've caught myself checking my baby more times than I could count.
I do it at least once every night.
Especially now that Hilwa is sleeping on her stomach, & has begun to suck on a pacifier.
She can be so still for hours at a time it's not even funny.

& what's also not funny is the fact that I'm writing about my daughter again.
My daughter.
This is actually the first time I'm referring to her as that.
It's always been my baby.
My daughter sounds so real, so serious, so... Heavy.
Silence do me no good.
I get so terrified while nursing her or holding her,
Just thinking about the responsibility I now have in my hands.
A human being.
All on me.
Yes it's still registering.
& I should stop ranting.

Smitten.

I'm not one for mushy, straight forward posts,
But I was lying down beside Hilwa and she was touching my chest and stomach,
So I placed my palm on hers in return,
And she began cooing ever so softly,
So sweetly.
And I swear, no amount of breastfeeding or skin to skin contact can ever top a bonding moment like that.
I am now officially a mother who is thoroughly smitten over her own child.
Expect braggy "my daughter's a genius" posts soon lol

The first moon.

It's 14th of November.
Which means my baby is now one month old.
One month.
I've kept a human being alive for one month, who is fully dependant on me.
But this post isn't for her.
This goes out to Ikhwan instead.
Who drove back & forth between Taman Tun & Hosp Selayang so many times I lost count.
For the backrubs.
For the hours he spend uncomfortable & sleepless somewhere in the hospital, most probably on a hard wooden chair.
For standing by me & allowing me to squeeze his hand as hard as I wanted while I pushed.
For feeding me the nasi goreng & Milo panas.
For taking care of the placenta himself, cleaning, burying & all.
For helping mama out so much on hari raya without even having to be told.
For assembling & vacuuming the baby cot all by himself.
For cleaning the room both before & after the installation of the aircond.
For always stepping up & helping with Hilwa,
Especially during those days I was recovering from labour & would fall dead asleep.
For everything else that I've forgotten to mention or completely overlooked.
This goes out to mama too.
For the hours she spent with me at the hospital.
The hours of sleep & rest she lost that whole week, not just the weekend.
For spoiling Hilwa with her cuddles,
& sacrificing more of her rest time coming back from school just because Hilwa wouldn't settle in the afternoons.
& for everything else that I wouldn't even be able to mention because my whole life is indebted to her.
People say you should celebrate your mother during your birthday because she went through labour for you.
I say these two persons are the ones to be celebrated during my daughter's birthday.
All I did was complain while lying down comfortably on a bed for a few hours then pushed like I was taking the biggest dump in my life.
& I couldn't have done it without these two.

Football.

I was up until 3 am because hilwa wouldn't settle last night.
So naturally I received live feeds of the arsenal - man u game via twitter.
Along with the ridiculous name calling & smack talking that is so synonym to football.
& I gotta say, comparing having a partner who is overly passionate over the game to this utterly childish & annoying behaviour,
The latter contributes more to why I so hate the game & everything that comes with it.
I mean, come on,
Going to the point of calling opposing teams Shitty, Liverfool & god knows what else seemingly 'witty' names,
That's so lame.
I don't see federer's fans calling nadal nasal or something.
See.. I can't even come up with a better name to call nadal.
(But making fun of azarenka's moans is excused, because really girl, don't you tire yourself just screaming on the court?)
That just goes to show what kind of IQ level go for which sport right?
Lol.
& the worst part is,
You're Malaysian!
What's in it for you if those teams win?
Bragging rights?
Until next season, or sadly still, the next match.
Do you get some share of the profit? No.
Do you get a public holiday? No.
& you especially can't take it to your grave.
So whyyy?
Why are you all so annoying?
Gosh.

Penyelesaian.

Ini serious.
Sejak dikejutkan boleh anakku intan payung pagi tadi pukul 9.30,
Dia merengek dan melalak taknak duduk sendiri.
Bila check, rupa-rupanya dia basah.
Pampers bocor.
Alhamdulillah aku dikurniakan anak yang pembersih.
Selagi dia tak rasa kering bersih selesa (in this case jawapannya kasi mandi je lah),
Dia takkan duduk diam, even kau dodoi dia macam mana sekalipun.
Papanya pergi check up mata.
Maka aku pun hadap je lah bagi mandi sorang-sorang,
Kalau kau terhantuk sink, air panas sangat, sabun cuci tak bersih, mintak halalkan mama lah ye?
Lepas mandi dia still merengek.
Segala rutin dia aku buat, tak jalan.
Nasib baik papa dia dah balik.
Aku serahkan tugas then pergi mandi.
Dah settle, aku turun bawah, papa still dok mengkelek anak.
Dodoi, tido, letak bawah, bangun balik mengamuk.
Aku rasa 15 kali repeat.
Berak sedas, tapi still taknak settle down.
Sampai papa dah tewas tertidur (dimaafkan sebab papa balik kerja pukul 2.30am semalam) dan mama hampir-hampir nak buat-buat terlepas baby dari dukungan sebab dah nak bebai (lol).
Akhirnya dapat idea bawak dia naik atas.
Letak atas katil (katil kami ye, bukan baby cot dia) dan sumbat "pili susu" dalam mulut dia.
Hampeh tak dan apa mata dah katup.
Masa tu dalam pukul 1.15.
Sedar-sedar dah pukul 3, itu pun sebab papa masuk bilik nak siap pergi kerja.
Jadi kenapa aku kata ini serious?
Sebab kalau aku tak tido dengan anak aku tadi, aku taktau lah apa jadi.
Baru sekarang aku paham sebagai surirumah,
Tido itu adalah satu penyelesaian.
Peace!
(Oh dan sekarang dah dekat pukul 4, anakku intan payung masih lagi nyenyak tido. Hujan lah pulak, ada chance mama lagi seround ni kihkih)

Complete.

My side of the bed is currently being hogged by a dead beat father & a baby who is mamai but is refusing to sleep.
Thinking back on this time last week,
I was peacefully asleep,
Completely unaware of the adventure I was to embark on at noon sharp the following day.
This whole week hasn't been peachy.
Hey, cracked nipples are seriously no joke.
But I can't quite explain this feeling of fullness I am currently blessed with.
Of having my side of the bed hogged by this two seemingly ordinary human beings,
Who means the entire world to me.

Birth Unplanned.

40 hours of labour,
& a few violent pushes later,
I'm a mum!
You can write all the birth plans you want,
But if nature says it ain't so, then you better put that ego down & ask for that pethidine.
Because half an hour of sleep is precious enough after 2 days of constant contraction & no progress.
& the best advise I received would be 'do whatever would make the experience shorter'.
I almost told the midwife to just snip already and pull the frikkin baby out!
I'd take stitches over another minute of labour anytime.
Let's just hope they heal nicely & I get some painkillers to bring home with me.

38.5 & restless.

You know how when you're working you dream of being at home,
Waking up late, lazing around, not worrying about deadlines & emails.
Then you actually do get to be at home & reality is YOU'RE BORED AS HELL!
I'm done with work.
Back to being a full time housewife after just 7 & a half months of working.
In terms of not having to worry about all the mess at work, I say good riddance!
But on the flip side, it means no income,
No car,
No husband for most part of the day,
& absolutely nothing to do.
Yes, absolutely nothing.
Not even laundry.
I'm sure this will be very short lived as baby will be here very soon.
But in the meantime I'm just like PLEASE COME OUT ALREADY.
My pelvis constantly feel like it's gonna pop out or shatter into pieces.
& it's not like I can sleep much anyways.
So what's a screaming, pooping baby on top of everything right?
Right.

Begging.

You'd think an overtime of 2 hours & smashing the recs down to 45 would at least tire me out to sleep.
Nooo.
No sirree.
Sleep are for losers.
Its 5.57am & I've contemplated breakfast, some exercise, & now laundry.
Anything.
God, anything to get me to fall asleep.
It's a pattern I'm beginning to see.
I would be up & only sleep a few measly hours,
Then I would be exhausted the whole freaking day,
Which would lead me to get the best sleep ever that I overdo it.
& the cycle repeats.
So I guess I can expect epic sleep tomorrow night.
Or should I say tonight?
I swear to God I still don't know which is more appropriate, to talk in kl time or London time.
Lol.
I never thought I would ever get to this,
But I am beyond begging for the baby to come out already.
I know I won't be able to sleep still,
But at least I won't be sore all over,
& heavy,
& getting heartburns,
& crying at the most randomly awkward times ever.
Come. Out.
Most importantly mummy's sick of going to work & dealing with crap.
It's time someone learns to clean up the team's mess!
1st of October doesn't sound too bad..
Come on out!

Term.

Pregnancy is falling asleep for 3 solid hours at 8pm,
Simply because half an hour of walking at a mall just wiped out every ounce of energy you had.
Then you stay up the entire freaking night because you've recharged & did nothing but eat since waking up in the dead of the night.
I've been so bloody dark about pregnancy haven't I?
I've got a maximum of 3 weeks to enjoy being a brat & having my husband all to myself,
(Also having the luxury of focusing all of my attention to my husband only)
I don't quite know how to savour the moment.
I just wish it would rain a bit so I wouldn't sweat so much on top of getting constant heartburns & back/stomach pains.
End of rant.

Miracles.

I definitely don't belong to the 'pregnancy is a miracle' group of mothers.
I used to think people who are like this is a bit poyo.
Now I know they're just down right delusional.
So I'm gonna write this down lest I forget the beautiful details of pregnancy.
Hehh.
Let's start with my best friend, heartburn.
I didn't think it could be worse,
But now I get heartburn even if I don't eat.
So makan means heartburn, tak makan means perut kosong stomach juices overflow & heartburn.
Clap clap. So beautiful.
Next, back pain.
My shoulders are hating me on how much I sleep on the sides now.
& when I try sleeping on the back, my lower back will start whining & hurting like the little brat she is.
Is it too much to say to people, no presents please, just give me a shoulder massage.
I can no longer enjoy lazing around watching TV, & it's even hurting me when I sit at my desk at work.
I... Just don't know.
Moving on.
Insomnia.
Yeap it has started.
On random nights I just stay bright & alert til morning, no matter how I try to fall asleep.
& then I randomly wake up so unnecessarily early, like now for instance, & brain just goes 'ok! Straight to overdrive'.
The following point is majorly related to the waking up early part above.
& is also my ultimate favourite part of being pregnant.
Losing all control of your bladder.
Seriously.
It has a mind of its own now.
& when it says go, it'll go.
Its favourites are when I'm coughing or sneezing.
Also when I'm in my deepest of sleep & feeling most relaxed.
I am seriously considering adult diapers.
I've got no more shame, zero dignity left. Lol.
Last (as far as I can remember, for now) is the nesting urge.
Which isn't so bad, really, all you wanna do is clean & organise & pack.
But then fate throws a curve ball & makes it so freaking hard for you to even do laundry.
Someone will ALWAYS beat you to the machine, or space on the clothesline.
& when you actually get your turn, the machine fucking breaks down.
& thanks to the previous point, you're peeing all over the fresh new sheets you just changed.
& it just bugs you cause you just can't catch a freaking break & have things nice & clean at least for once.
Screw you hormones! You're ridiculous.
Junior is kicking up a storm in there since I jumped out of bed & ran to the toilet.
I think it thinks I'm mad at it.
No, it's not your fault.
It's all this stupid hormones that makes my muscles all relax & think it's OK to not do their job properly.
I now understand completely why people beg & plead for the baby to come out already.
So far I have had one night where I just cried & cried until I choked & started caughing & threw up in my waste basket.
All because I just couldn't sleep.
I don't think that'll be an exclusive case.
So.. Here's to the beautiful home stretch.
5 weeks, bring it on?
Pfft.

Reflection.

Dulu masa single hobi sebelum tidur is mengadap cermin  belai-belai rambut,
Pintal sana, simpul sini.
Coincidentally (& a lot of girls would agree) your hair always, ALWAYS look best just before going to sleep,
Or at least on days when you decide to stay home & no one would see it.
Tiba-tiba malam ni mood vain tu datang balik,
& yang paling best bukan menatap cermin,
Tapi menatap suami.
Hewhew.
Some recent events & conversations has lead me to realise that I have become.. Simple minded?
I can't quite place the exact word for it.
Like naive, lurus.
The things that used to drive me crazy, the external distractions, the what ifs,
They're so foreign now.
Anything other than Ikhwan is so foreign now.
& yang paling penting malam ni rambut aku behave & suami ada depan mata.
Tak perlu nak instagram dengan haghtag omagahrambutmacamoranggila & expect like cecah 3 angka.
Horhorhor

Independence.

It started last night at work around 11 pm when saiful excitedly raised all the blinds so as to not miss the fireworks at midnight.
Sebenarnya dari tengah hari dah pasang niat,
'Nak bangun awal lah esok, tengok celebration kat dataran. Sesambil boleh lipat baju basuh baju'.
Hence at 11 pm tu otak dah merayau balik ke zaman dulu, imagining the feelings of the performers.
The practice, the nervousness of the night before, the morning of, getting ready, waiting in formation..
& that's when perasaan halus tu muncul.
Ah sudah.
Ramadhan & syawal came & went, & I was perfectly fine.
Merdeka kalah.
Hurr.
Maka sekarang, I'm wide awake but I'm unsure of what my next move should be.
Menyorok diam-diam bawah ketiak suami?
Or bukak TV uji daya ketahanan diri?
In my mind all I could picture is the first merdeka after the accident,
When I fell sick the eve of & couldn't follow mama to dataran,
Instead I watched it at home & bawled my eyes out.
Haha merdeka lah satu hari di mana aku betul-betul tak merdeka :P

Tired.

I am tired of heartburns.
I am tired of check ups.
Of being mollycoddled, fussed over.
You have to eat more, you're gaining too much weight, you have to control your diet.
Your stomach's too small, but you have a risk of diabetes, so your baby might be too big during delivery.
YOU'RE NOT MAKING SENSE.
I am tired of having to pee every time I have to go for a check up, because I pee before leaving the house as a force of habit.
I am tired of having blood taken in all manners possible.
I am tired of not being able to lie down on my back without feeling like I might break my hips.
I am tired of feeling so heavy, and huge, like an effing whale.
I am tired of questions.
When are you due? Is it a boy or a girl?
You know, I wish I could tell you what God has planned, but He hasn't shared with me yet.
And most of all I am tired of thinking about money.
Work? Not work? Freelance? Minta sedekah?
That last one I wish I could.
But then having this kid out would mean a lifetime of responsibilities,
And as selfish as this might sound, the probability of my relationship with Ikhwan changing forever.
No more expensive date nights, taking our time enjoying each other's company,
Late nights, even later mornings, staying in bed, cuddling,
Doing things as and when we like it, from talking to catching a movie.
All that.
Kids, please wear protection.

Short Updates.

On Ramadhan:
Puasa penuh yay!
Kepuasan yang sangat hakiki dapat puasa penuh at 25 :D

On 1 Syawal (& working):
Hikmahnya adalah bila masuk office, maka kuranglah aktiviti melantak tanpa hala tuju.
I had just enough of mama's raya cooking to get the raya feel,
But not too much that I got sick of it.
Though perut did meragam the whole day.
Tak tau la terkejut sebab tak puasa ke, sebab makan pulut pagi-pagi buta ke, sebab lupa minum melilea ke.
Tapi yang penting balik kerja dapat nasi perut terus happy horhor

& we are off to Kelantan early tomorrow morning, hence kickstarting our two weeks core leave.
Can't wait to get away from all the shit in the office,
But at the same time jiwa tak tenang memikirkan tahap inbox penuh macam mana lah balik nanti.
Serta what other shit that will come our way next.
Hurrr

Day 3.

The long overdue day 3 post.
Moh le, agar tak terlajak subuh & tak kering baju dalam washing machine akibat tak sidai.
Breakfast hotel pagi ni lebih kurang macam semalam.
Cuma takde baked beans yang membuatkan aku kecewa.
Tapi dah memang plan nak makan pancake pun, which was awesome!
Lepas breakfast masuk bilik balik dan sambung tidur.
Memang hari bermalas-malasan, sebab breakfast pun turun agak lambat.
Bangun balik dah 12.30.
Melompat jugak aku mandi & get ready & packing sebab check out pukul 1.
After check out & tinggal bag dekat stor hotel, tuntut dari Ikhwan nak lunch dekat sushi tei.
But before that we went to wisma merdeka & jalan-jalan dalam suria sabah cari souvenir mana yang tak lengkap lagi.
Masih kecewa dengan harga t shirt yang mahal.
Masuk sushi tei, pun harga mahal.
Barulah terasa concept harga 'east Malaysia' yang sedia maklum lagi mahal dari peninsular.
After lunch, jalaaaan ke pasar kraftangan.
Ikhwan dah mula cranky sebab aku asyik dok pusing tempat sama.
Tapi tau jela aku kalau jumpa pearls.
Though I didn't end up buying anything, tapi still geram especially dengan the earrings.
By then it was already almost 4pm I think.
We still had time to kill before having to leave for the airport.
Mula-mula ingat nak balik hotel & just lepak at the lobby but then teringat ada tempat urut kaki just a few doors down.
I got a pedicure & Ikhwan got an hour long foot massage.
Jealous pun ada sebab pedicure aku sangatlah basic.
I was hoping she would at least massage my feet 2, 3 minute but nope.
All I got was a 30 second foot soak.
No kidding.
But whatever.
We left for the airport at 5.30, & when we got there Ikhwan couldn't check in sebab his ticket was standby & flight delayed so we had to wait for it to close.
Pukul 7 baru semua benda settle,
& we finally boarded at 7.45.
Sebab flight penuh, we had to sit separately.
He insisted that I took his business class seat, but it was a small comfort.
Makan sedap, tempat luas, dapat bantal kecik sebijik,
But the flight was so bumpy mabuk jugak la aku.
Oh & seat sebelah aku kosong, membuatkan aku almost nak buat drama pengsan ke contraction ke sebab nak panggil ikhwan duduk sebelah.
Hahah seriously, I've decided to never fly at night anymore if I can help it.
I'm such a nervous flyer its not even funny.
We landed at close to 10 & I was reunited with my love.
Lol!
& we were back to a reality made worse by the haze.

Day 2, & such.

Ikhwan is currently busy photostating documents for our big appointment tomorrow.
This is like the biggest decision we've made together since getting married.
Yeap, the time has come for us to get a roomier car.
Sigh.
I swear to God the only reason I'm not depressed of letting go of Bells is because he's going back to my sister.
So I'll still meet him regularly.
But honestly, it just hit me super hard only a few seconds ago that we're doing this together.
Ikhwan & I, making decisions, becoming a family.
Ermagerd.
Anyways, I totally flaked on the daily update on our Sabah trip thingy.
There's just something about hotel rooms & vacations that make you sleepy on time.
So the 2nd day was waking up early.
Like 7 am early, & going down for breakfast.
We enjoyed breakfast even though the spread wasn't lavish.
Ikhwan was happy the moment he saw there was an eggs & pancakes station.
& I headed straight for the nasi goreng, sausages & baked beans.
Then we walked to Jesselton Point for our activity of the day: Island Hopping!
Well, make that the activity of the whole trip because that's the only touristy thing we did.
We went to Sapi Island first, left the jetty at about 9.30am.
At first I was a bit moody as we chose the wrong counter which didn't get that many customers,
so we had to wait quite long to even get our change, let alone for our boat to fill up & depart.
I was so cuak during the journey in the boat, because the sea was a bit choppy and whenever the boat hit the waves, it sounds & feels like it's hitting concrete.
I was so afraid the boat was gonna break open & i kept thinking how deep in this freakin' sea mannn.
Is there such thing as hormones making you paranoid?
Lol.
I had high hopes for Sapi because when my sister went there, she said it was so beautiful & empty.
But when we got there the beach was packed.
The size of the island didn't help either.
So we snorkled for a bit, sat by the beach for a bit, took some pictures.
It was ok.
There were 2 huge biawaks though, being fed scraps from the guys doing the barbeque (you could opt to have a barbeque lunch there for rm70 per pax. pfft overpriced-ness).
Then we went looking for the toilet to wash off the sticky salt water & was pleasantly surprised.
When we went to Langkawi for our honeymoon, the snorkeling trip we went for was pricier but they didn't even provide fresh water on the island.
Here, the public toilet is free, well maintained & with free flow fresh water!
However the sea & wildlife in Langkawi was prettier, i guess the extra moolah goes to a more extensive preservation work.
We left Sapi for Manukan at noon.
& again my expectation based on my sister's experience was wrong.
Manukan was quite deserted, & the island is obviously bigger so it actually looked pretty empty even though most of the picnic tables were occupied.
& due to the above, we decided to just sit on the ground on the pario i brought.
I fell asleep almost instantly. For an hour. On a freaking public beach.
Achievement unlocked man.
We ate the buns we brought immediately after I woke up, then headed for the water.
It was disappointing.
The seabed was littered with plastics and bottles and all sorts of rubbish.
The water was cloudy & fish is so sparse.
But I did find some clown fish & this one type of fish which was so colourful I just started calling them rainbow.
Oh & not to forget, Ikhwan's best friend from Langkawi, the fish with the 3 stripes that bites people.
Yeap, we got bitten alright.
Gangster tak tentu pasal.
We just began to enjoy ourselves snorkeling when it was time to leave so it was a bit sad.
But it was a good day nonetheless.
We left the island at 3.30pm, got back to the jetty & had the saddest lunch even.
We should have just ordered room service, but whatever, I was just hungry.
Back in the room after showering & stuff, I crashed until almost 9pm.
Lol. Late for dinner again.
We decided to go to the pasar malam to finish getting souvenirs first.
& I was shocked to find that tshirts are so blardy expensive!
I mean, tshirt for kids were like 18 bucks!
Cmon.. these things should sell for rm5, rm10 the most.
So we went for dinner, & settled for the first seafood gerai we came across.
The fresh orange sucked, we barely drank any of it.
But the siakap bakar was pretty good.
& we had sambal udang & kangkung belacan as well.
We paid about the same as the first night, but could have saved more if we didnt order that "orange juice" which tasted like they blended the peel together.
& they refused to strain it for me.
Wtf.
So we walked back to the hotel, watched some tv & I swear to god I don't know when I fell asleep.

Day 1.

I barely had an hour of sleep.
My heartburn was so bad & I was a bit worried of not waking up on time.
So the 6 am alarm sounded through my half-dazed sleep (if that's even a concept)
& we got ready.
We left the house at 7.15, after losing count of the time I went up & down the stairs lol.
& we reached KLIA at just past 8 I think?
But I know we were done checking in our bags & were on the way to McD by 8.25 latest.
I had an iced Milo which saved my life (I have yet to experience any bad heartburn since, but in case of jinxing it I have gaviscon at the ready in my handbag :P)
Oh & I had a sausage mcmuffin too,
& later nasi lemak in flight coz who'd turn down food right?
I couldn't sleep in flight (not that it was that long anyways)
First it was nervousness of flying,
Then they served food,
& just as I was about to get comfy they announced that they were gonna begin descending,
So I got nervous of landing.
-_-"
We touched down at 12,
& were safely checked in at the hotel by 1 pm latest.
So here I did something silly which I still don't think is my fault but whatever.
I had 2 bookings, 1 agoda & 1 booking.com.
Agoda was prepaid, booking.com wasn't.
But I thought what the heck, let's just keep the booking.com one in case of screw ups w agoda.
Apparently ure considered as a no show & is required to pay for the first night.
Ikhwan asked if we could get our room upgraded, & they said yes, so we're in a very spacious, comfy room with a queen & a single bed.
No complaints really, no use crying over spilt milk.
But then a few hours after that my lampi brain kicked in & thought 'damn we should have asked for a late check out instead, since we don't quite have a plan for Friday yet'.
But again, no use crying over spilt milk.
Though I really hate it when I'm idiotically slow.
Whatever.
We went out for lunch at 2 something.
We were so hungry (ehem, nope, I didn't just have 2 breakfasts this morning) but we just couldn't find any restaurants in wisma merdeka or suria sabah.
We found the food court in the latter, but wasn't comfortable with it.
Then finally we found a secret recipe & just ordered the first thing we saw.
After eating, we went down the escalator & came face to face with sushi tei.
MAJOR WTF FACEPALM MOMENT.
But husband promised we will have lunch there on Friday so I got over it & we walked to jesselton point to check out island hopping packages for tomorrow.
This is when the day started to pick up.
The prices were affordable, we had a clear plan for tomorrow & decided to buy some buns for the trip on our way back.
By 5 pm I was dead asleep in our room & woke up at 8.30 pm thinking I was late for breakfast & island hopping lol!
We had the usual seafood dinner at the waterfront.
The pricing wasn't as cheap as I thought it would be (I swear to god I don't know where my sis had her super cheap seafood dinner),
But ikhwan loved the food so it was all good.
Then we walked along the road past all the markets & found a pasar malam.
Souvenir all kawtim!
Then we walked back to the hotel, & that's a month's worth of walking done in a day!
It's 1.35am & imma crash.
Early day tomorrow, & let's hope it's a smooth one, amin..

Away.

We're leaving for Sabah in a few short hours.
I should be asleep, really.
& I don't quite know why I am writing,
but I just feel like it.
It's my first time ever going over the sea to the other side of Malaysia.
But honestly, I'm just so glad to be away from work for 3 days that even staying home would be awesome.
Sooo..
Let's pray for a safe, smooth trip shall we?

Kicking.

I'm at the best phase of this journey.
I still feel pretty normal,
But I've also started getting soft reminders which are still very pleasant & cute,
& not to mention exciting.
But what I'm loving most actually,
Was the smile i saw on Ikhwan's face the first time he felt that nudge.
That was priceless.
& this soft, ooey gooey feeling i have tonight?
Unmatched.

And i still find myself writing about you.

Annoyance.
That's what i feel when i am reminded of you.
Sebab dah takde point.
Takde motif.
Takde tenaga lagi dah.
It's enough that you are a part of me.
Like how everyone we've come to know & especially love will always be a part of us.
They're in our thoughts, with each heartbeat,
Subconsciously.
If i say there was a day that i didn't think of you,
I'd be lying.
& this is why i say i get annoyed when I'm actually actively reminded of you.
Because i will eventually say (or think) all this which i prefer to not realize & not know & not think of.
It sucks that you feel so near all the time,
Like you were just yesterday,
& i remember exactly where i was & what i was thinking when that picture of you was taken,
& we weren't even in the same room,
Heck we weren't even along the same street.
It can't be 10 years ago, can it?
Are you really not just yesterday, or a week ago?
Because you sure feel that near.
& it sucks that your personality just bloody shines through everything that's even remotely you,
So that i hear your voice & i see your expressions & i just feel your presence.
Screw it.
Screw it all.
I hate how the thought of never, ever seeing you ever again throws me into a panic.
That's not how this is supposed to feel.
Not that night, not 6 years after, not ever.

It's 2.40am right now.
Or 7.40pm in London.
It's the earliest I've been on my bed, bathed & ready to sleep in a week.
Work has been nuts.
But despite getting brain-fried throughout the day (or night, more accurately),
Spending almost half of my day in the office,
& waking up tired every afternoon,
I've never felt this fulfilled in terms of work.
First time rasa gaji halal.
Kalau dulu dekat ibilik asyik curi tulang, bergosip & bazir electric company.
Horhor!
So it's been over a month since i wrote.
Why? Because I've been terribly depressed.
I still am.
& i still can't quite imagine any positive outcome of my situation.
But I'll start worrying about that in a week's time.
Sekarang ni dok stress kejar deadline siapkan photobook.
Yes, having a fully customized album of my wedding is still a wonderful idea for me.
It's just that when i bought the coupon for it, i forgot i have zero creativity.
I can appreciate art when it comes from other people,
But when i have to do it myself,
I keep finding myself in symmetrical squares.
Major -__________-"
But let's put that aside.
So ika got married last weekend.
& i won't be able to say anything without tearing up.
I now know why people make a big fuss when their best friend gets married.
Heck, i didn't feel this way when my own sister got married.
(But she comes home so often its like she never left)
Ika, on the other hand,
Hit me like a brick wall.
It happened the moment the ceremony was done.
I can't quite place the feeling.
I'm extremely happy, bordering obsessed, over the fact that it's finally happened for her,
But at the same time like I've lost my best friend.
Because i know she will have what i believe i have with Ikhwan,
Not just a marriage,
But a best friend, a partner, a roommate,
Who matters above everyone else,
& will make us put each other second.
Lol!
(But thank God now i have someone to discuss the dirtier side of marriage with so really, I'm just being overly dramatic about putting each other second).
& here comes my roommate fresh from the shower ;)

Realities.

The Rasmus - In the Shadows.
It's amazing how something so distant can feel so near,
so tangible.
It frightens me how everything is so readily there,
just a flick of a switch...
Regardless,
it's nice to be able to return once in a while.
To a time where deaths don't happen,
where what mattered was the fact that you're the editor of the school magazine,
where you have all that you ever wanted in the whole wide world,
 in your hands, in your heart,
& the future is anything you make of it.
Anything.
& here you are, now,
in this mess you've made.
:)

Otak blank.

When you find your secret on postsecret but you can't post it anywhere because it's, well..
your secret.
Abaikan.
Replying to Dzulaikha,
Aku dah cakap ke 29hb dgn 1hb aku cuti?
So jom pi tgk bunga ke, carik tudung ke, kasut ke, apa-apa lah yang kau nak buat.
Tapi kalau nak pi weekend lain pun boleh je.
Kalau nak pi hari biasa, sila roger at least 2 minggu sebelum sebab sini nak kena apply cuti seminggu sebelum.
Ni satu wa leceh masuk company besar.
Kalau dulu sejam sebelum pun boleh lagi nak kelentong boss dengan manager :P
Berbalik kepada isu kasut,
Kasut aku yang paling best pakai gi kerja hari-hari tapak dah nak lekang.
Sedihnya lah.
Dahlah minggu ni jadual lari sikit dengan Ikhwan.
Memang tak lah nak pi OU sekejap beli kasut ke apa ke.
Aku risau tak dan separuh minggu, aku balik office kaki ayam :(

Aku dah start kerja seminggu setengah ni.
Time dekat office punyalah macam-macam nak tulis,
Balik jumpa katil je aku tewas.
Bukan mengantuk ke apa pun,
Just malas nak layan.
I don't trust myself for what I am capable of writing.
& feeling masuk office macam masuk jail hari-hari pun sangat tak membantu.
Kawan-kawan yang membaca (Dzulaikha, aku maksudkan kau la ni),
Tolong lah whatsapp aku minggu ni.
Kite tak discuss soal bunga lagi.
& kau nak aku apply cuti tak sebelum kenduri kau nanti?
Aku memang kena perabih cuti ni
(HSBC is fast becoming 'Big Brother' dalam soal-soal dictating people's rights).
Hurr nak bersosial pun kena paksa diri.
Apekedepresilahni.

Little grey box.

I am still hooked to GWS (it's greenweddingshoes, btw. it's time I give them credit)
I read it daily like it's the newspaper or something.
One part that I've always paid special attention to is the last grey box where the couples from the featured real weddings give their final advice or words to the readers,
& probably 99% of them would say to enjoy the day, don't sweat the details, things will go wrong but you'll realize it's ok.
I'm not saying that before the wedding I just couldn't imagine what they were talking about,
But now that I'm on this side of the ceremony,
I totally get it.
The part where they say 'what's most important is that you're married to your love',
SO true.
Though if I were to have my own little grey box,
I would say to not be afraid to pose to pictures.
& make sure you love the background!
If you're not too wild with having random people in your background,
shoot some more pictures just the 2 of you.
Replay the moment, get him to kiss your forehead again, whatever, it's your day.
& seriously, the only thing that matters IS the fact that you're married.
(& my husband is walking through the door now yays!)

Senarai mintak-mintak.

Bila tanya hati apa wishlist menjelang suku abad ni,

makin matang jawapan dia.

Benda yang paling utama dia mintak aku segan nak tulis kat sini.

Biar suami & Tuhan je tahu.

Horhor.

Yang seterusnya,

Aku nak start kerja cepat-cepat.

Tabiat sekarang dok tengok cerita Toddlers & Tiaras kat YouTube,

Aku takut makin rendah IQ aku makin hari.

Lagi, aku nak katil baru,

Yang tak senget, tak susah nak pasang cadar, & lagi banyak space untuk aku sumbat barang bawah katil haha.

Haritu macam teringin nak wallet baru,

Tapi since papa kedana duit pun takde nak masuk dalam wallet dah,

Keinginan tu dah terkubur.

Sebenarnya kan, paling senang aku nak duit banyak-banyak.

Bukan sebab apa sangat,

Aku rasa tak tenang selagi aku tak ganti shirt Ikhwan yang aku dah rosakkan dalam washing machine semalam.

Peace.

Distant memories.

I just realized I completely, cold-blooded-ly forgot about the 3rd anniversary of BNO Singapore.
Of seeing Muse live for the first (& probably even the last) time.
Oh & Rise Against too.
My first trip out of the country,
What more on my own, with just 3 other younger friends.
Hehh.
It has come to this, hasn't it?
Muse, you're so last season :P

Road to recovery.

Understand that life is...
Beautiful.
How it unfurls,
The journey it takes you on.
Beautiful.
I'm on to road to recovery.
Thank you for saving me, Mohd Ikhwan Arif.
& no, I don't hold it against you for being an I & an A.
Because that's the only way fate'll have it.

On nikah.

I haven't really been able to string words together, let alone jot in down, regarding my wedding.
I guess moments would do.
Reflecting on the day before my wedding,
I guess if I could wish for one thing, I would wish for more time.
So that I didn't rush around like a mad woman,
So that I took my time feeling, realizing, being.
But I do not regret any of the things I did,
Especially my bouquets, which I personally picked out the flowers, prepped & pieced together.
I loved them.
& thank god for all the rush, I actually fell asleep at 1 am peacefully.
The day of the wedding itself,
I really only could recall moments.
Kak Gayah coming into my room at 6 am, & me being wide awake, fresh.
Driving through Taman Tun as the sky slowly turns light, the town silent & calm.
Being driven to the mosque by my best friends,
& then everything is a blur of rushed moments.
I don't remember when Ikhwan walked in,
But I remember looking at him walk to one corner of the mosque to sembahyang sunat.
I remember not being able to quiet my thoughts, even though I tried so hard to focus on the khutbah nikah, etc.
& I vividly remember my blood rushing &a almost like it's boiling when Ikhwan said the lafaz.
I remember thinking, this is probably how the vampires feel when they get blooded.
I literally felt my blood heat up & started rushing around to different parts of my body,
Like they all suddenly decided to switch places & went all at once.
& then again it was a blur of moments.
The tear dropping on Imara's face as she wiped mine.
The awkwardness of touching Ikhwan's hands in a mosque, in front of all of our families,
& crying even more when I saw Ika actually made it there.
I would have loved to spend more time at the mosque that day,
Take it all in,
Spend time with the most important people in my life,
But what mattered most was
I'm a wife!

Perks on paper.

I have since bought the Perks book,
& I'm a little over halfway through with it.
I love how Charlie writes in the book.
I love how in the beginning he doesn't really make sense,
then he gets slightly better with each paper that he writes for Bill,
& you can always tell when he's having a bad day because he would start to not make sense & jumble up his sentences again.
I love Stephen Chbosky for successfully writing as a mentally disturbed 16 year old boy.
& I just wanted to write that.
That's all.

Perks.

I am probably officially obsessed with The Perks of Being a Wallflower.
I admit, the only reason why I so wanted to watch it was because of Emma Watson.
& the little things I knew about it (prior to watching) was that it is from a book (which I find lame, because it's another book-turned-movie thing),
& whatever was written on the IMDb page, which I didn't even remember anymore.
I started watching the movie yesterday afternoon after hubs left for work,
It was a typical afternoon where the moment I made myself comfortable on the bed & was ready to watch it,
my facebook chat, gtalk & whatsapp beeped all at once.
But I soldiered on,
& halfway through gave up, went out to OU.
But even without being able to concentrate, I couldn't get the movie off my mind.
I came home at 8.30pm & watched it again.
From the start.
& I don't know if it's because of the distractions of the afternoon,
or because I already know that much,
But watching it the second time around was even more.. gripping? interesting? I don't know.
The small details started jumping out at me,
like the characters' expressions & the focus to certain scenes.
But at this point I just wanted to finish it,
& find out what's going on.
Then the credits rolled & I wasn't satisfied.
There were so many other stories within it that wasn't given an ending,
or even an explanation.
I started digging, reading on the book's wiki page.
& today, in the hopes of stopping myself from watching it a third time, I'm reading movie reviews.
& I found one review which explained it to me,
That it's not just to me that these feelings were brought on by the movie,
it's that every one feels it too.
Senior year of high school,
& as described in this movie, feeling infinite,
or to me, feeling golden.
Of late night drives accompanied by meaningful songs,
& those we love,
feeling suspended in that moment,
the past don't matter & the future don't exist.
I don't know about you,
but that was the best time of my life.
When life was all about freedom, irresponsibility & love.
& ultimately, friends.
Now I've gotta go & buy the book!