all mushed together.

There's a lot of petty little things I could talk about.

In the shower alone this morning,

I probably thought of 3 different ones.

But they're just that, petty.

I could talk about what this Thursday & Friday means,

But honestly I'm kind of tired of it.

Tired of feeling sad or down or even rindu.

& I think it's a good thing.

Honestly I can't let it bug me forever.

I know it's a little late to be saying "life is about moving on",

Because, really, if that's the case I'd probably have successfully moved on 4 & a half years ago.

But I'm glad,

That this week I'm at least rational,

That I don't get vivid dreams anymore (& like I said, dah penat nak rindu).

I went for a tahlil at Ikhwan's house, though, last Friday.

& it was good.

I haven't been to a tahlil in a while.

& it's all so familiar,

Yet I understand that my life is changing,

That I am no longer surrounded by the same people,

& the meanings to what I do, even though to myself it means the same, but to others it's not.

I swear to god it's scary as hell.

But in living, rather than feeling,

Ignorance, brush offs, disregard,

Is easy.

What I've learnt the most, I guess,

Is that whatever the heart says will always come second to the mind,

Because God knows I can't trust my heart,

& my mind is definitely smarter.

& hopefully, this leads to the right thing.

Secara tak sengaja aku browse through my picasa where all the pictures i put in this blog are uploaded to,

& i realized i haven't uploaded Ayra's.
Before she grows up thinking ashu pilih kasih & only loves her cousins,
i better upload now.
So here goes,
Little Martian #3
:)

Tahukah anda bahawa tak ada duit untuk kahwin & buat kenduri jamu orang makan nasik minyak itu hukumnya berdosa dan masuk neraka?
Manakala anak dating siang malam buat maksiat segala itu okay je sebenarnya.
Yes.
itu hakikat orang kita zaman sekarang.
Parents should really buka mata & take in all the statistics & the news that are so hot in our country now.
Youngsters are horny,
& they actually do something about it.
Kalau tidak, takdela orang nak buang anak.
So kalau anak kau mintak nak kahwin tu bersyukurlah.
Itu maksudnya diorang dah tak larat nak tanggung dosa,
Diorang dah nampak ajal menari-nari depan mata.
Bila-bila saja boleh mati.

Haihh mintak nak kahwin pun susah.
Aku mintak Lamborghini kang.

as far as I can remember right now,

the last time I was away from home for more than 24 hours was last year's Melaka trip.

it's about 10 months ago.

& that was absolutely necessary,

not to mention Ikhwan was there with me.

nasib tak boleh satu rumah je.

so does it make sense that I am so anxious of leaving home tomorrow.

with my parents.

on a holiday trip.

aku rasa aku ada separation anxiety dengan rumah sendiri.

(cheh. padahal dengan ikhwan >.<)

Ayra Fazlin binti Faizal

sebab rasa super malas dekat office & mood cuti membuak-buak,
juga sebab I couldn't have said it better,
sampai ke tahap terus capai mp3 player & pasang lagu macho untuk membina benteng pertahanan.

Yaya on Fai becoming a father.

:')

seperti yang telah dikatakan di twitter,

aku mengantuk tahap makan orang.

serious, tak tipu.

after working from midnight last night til almost dawn,

& catching a measly 4-hour sleep,

& lantas bekerja lagi sampai..

sampai sekarang la mungkin sebab otak masih belum shut down this whole day,

(it's now officially 16 hours non-stop)

aku sekarang berada di tahap otak tune-in-tune-out sambil focus pun zoom-in-zoom-out sesuka hati.

i know making myself fall asleep later would be hell,

tapi nak buat camne,

encik ikhwan masih bertarung depan laptop,

aku tak sampai hati.

pengajaran?

if it isn't right now i would say

"sumpah demi Allah aku taknak buat assignment last minute dah",

tapi jadahnye nak buat assignment lagi lepas ni (amiiinn.. mintak pass semua dengan selamat).

mungkin kesal sikit tak buat kerja awal-awal,

dan siap sebelum harini,

sebab miss nak jumpa Cik Ayra Fazlin binti Faizal.

takpelah mungkin bukan jodoh kita lagi ye dak?

nanti-nanti ashu jumpa awak :)

City and Colour

Pernah rasa kena tikam?

aku baru rasa.

"I'll cross my heart and hope to die

Before I have the chance to lie

To you, my dear, who I wish no harm

But I know in the end this will turn out wrong

See I've been known to fall in love

But sometimes love just is not enough

And my heart will stray before too long

So please forgive me for when I sing this song"

-Forgive Me

"The stars are aligned, but they don't align for us

Excuse me for I am the ocean, and I will starve for you

Will you know how to stay brave?

Such fragile moments we share

You are my everything

Even with nothing to say"

-...Off By Heart

nasihat untuk diri yang gelabah lebih.

Hari yang tenang di office.
there's only 3 of us (& aku seorang mawar merah diapit kumbang-kumbang lengchai huuhuu),
& i've got my earphones stuck in my ear feeding random, shuffled bits of heaven.
mata panda dengan eyeliner tebal adalah satu-satunya proof that last night happened.
& harini, with the exception of lunch with imara yang kebanjiran seketika,
aku tenang.
diiringi kata-kata hikmat dari cik Dd,
yes aku sangat tenang.
"it's okay, I've got it all figured out".
i do.
i just have to stop letting myself get paranoid,
letting myself drown.
& what needs to be said has been said,
what needs to be closed has been closed,
what i needed to know i have found out.
there's not rush, bak kata cik Dd.
tenang-tenang saja.

Today,
Tonight, i believe in karma.
I would say i don't deserve to feel all that I'm feeling,
But i do.
To the very last drop,
Through each slice,
Of whatever the fuck that I'm feeling,
I'm meant to feel it.
It may not be the same kind of pain,
But i hope at least the regret is the same.
Its ironic how Celine Dion's most famous line tells all.
"I'm everything i am because you loved me".
Yes,
All of me,
& all the crap that comes with me,
That sobbing, crying wreck when the mind goes too deep, too far,
& the nonchalance,
Mostly you.
You win.
It'll always be you.
Just not, you know, pre-made in heaven.

#Wolstenbaby

i swear to god i can hardly open my eyes.
but i am just so fucking excited over Teddi it's mindblowing.
so here it is.
Christopher Tony Wolstenholme is who i want to be when i grow up.
he loves life, he loves his family.
heck, he obviously loves his wife. can't get his hands off her.
& being such a bass-playing wolstenbeast, i bet she can't too.
6 babies. & buster being just one year old.
amazing.
& somehow it's really comforting to know that Muse's success,
my investments in them,
are being put to good use.
someone mentioned "man that's a lot of mouths to feed".
well that's better than blowing it all on women, booze & drugs.
though i don't doubt a big portion does go to schrooms, beer & women (because there's Dom remember?)
but at least.
yknow?
i don't.
i just know there's a new Wolstenbaby,
& i'm EXCITED!


so now we wait for the next "Boom! Pregnant!" episode :D

i hate it when i dream differently, yet it all boils down to the same storyline.

this is because i feel like it,
& also because i'm tired of feeling that painful stab in my heart
when i wake up from dreams of you & realize it may not ever happen.

“Life moves on, whether we act as cowards or heroes. Life has no other discipline to impose, if we would but realize it, than to accept life unquestioningly. Everything we shut our eyes to, everything we run away from, everything we deny, denigrate or despise, serves to defeat us in the end. What seems nasty, painful, evil, can become a source of beauty, joy, and strength, if faced with an open mind. Every moment is a golden one for him who has the vision to recognize it as such.”

- Henry Miller; via blog.freepeople.com

rupa-rupanya garisan yang membahagi dua dunia ini sangatlah nipis.
antara menghabiskan tanggungjawab sebagai seorang pelajar,
& memulakan tanggungjawab sebagai seorang ahli tenaga kerja.
bezanya hanya beberapa jam.
harap-harap kedua-duanya baik-baik belaka.
yang penghabisan itu,
& yang permulaan itu.
amin.