Frustrated.

This OnePlus 3 phone I just got came with a really glaring, majorly stupid flaw.
The screen pinning function.
With Android OS the method to unpin the screen is to press & hold both the back & recents button.
But with Oxygen, it's enough to just hold the back button.
Which tiny fingers do almost every 30 seconds while watching YouTube.
Which means every 30 seconds I will have to reopen YouTube, enable screen pinning, go full screen, hand it back to them, & wait for them to scream again.
Seriously. So stupid.
Thank God this phone is cheap, or I would go demand my money back.
OnePlus, PLEASE FIX THIS!
Ranting here coz I have no idea how to get this feedback to them lol

Biological.

If any person who is currently single were to ask me 'what should I do with life?',
My first response would be 'DO NOT HAVE KIDS'.
All it has led me to so far is losing my source of income, freedom to do whatever I want to do both at home & socially, losing the one thing humans take for granted most which is eating in peace.
Among others of course.
Yes if you follow this blog you'll know I complain about them like my life depended on it.
But then in those moments I am off guard,
Seeing other people either married or not, doing things & living life seemingly without the goal of ever reproducing,
I can't help but think 'don't they feel like they're missing out on something?'.
Like, I can't help but feel they're stuck in life, stagnant, not growing
Despite how much my kids annoy me, despite being up to my ears fed up of having to bathe them twice a day everyday (they'll just get dirty again what's the point?!),
I can't help but wish newlyweds to go get busy if you know what I mean.
Because it's days like this,
When they're up early & cheerful,
Cooperating (with me & each other), eating lunch, willingly taking a bath, going back for a nap or playing on their own,
That my heart is filled with such a fullness that I can't imagine getting from anything else.
Not spending money, seeing the world, eating lavishly, meeting friends.
I've only ever felt like this at home.
& that is why I can't stop my thoughts,
Because we are genetically programmed to want to have kids,
If we weren't, humanity would have died out a looooong time ago, I can guarantee you that lol.

2016 recap

I know it's barely the middle of December but I can't shake this post from my mind.
I don't know why the whole interweb is describing 2016 as so disastrous.
Personally, it has been a year of growth for me.
Now almost daily I shepherd two kids between my front door & the car, taking the lift, strapping them into their car seats, driving albeit to my parent's house 10 minutes away,
But once upon a time I regarded driving Hilwa to the KFC drive-thru a huge success.
I now regularly have potluck meets at home with my unimates, enthusiastically discussing what to cook in our whatsapp group, refereeing our kids' fights, chatting about Tupperware, cheap groceries & naptimes.
& of course the biggest growth of all was finally moving into our own place.
Once upon a time I thought I would die.
But I've learnt the key to avoid your kids killing themselves when under your sole care is to minimize death-risks lol.
We mounted the TV & shelves to the wall so there's no cabinets they could climb, & there's 2 rattan chairs & a small dining table (but the dining chairs are kept in the gated kitchen because Izzaz  climbs them),
It's very rumah bujang feel but I can sweep the entire area without having to move things around lol.
I've discovered the joy of shopping at the pasar.
It's now become sort of a ritual to wake up early on weekends & have breakfast at the pasar with my mom.
& nothing beats the produce, seriously. It's a sort of high to be honest.
& then there's the recent passing of Hayes.
I know this is so unrelated to me,
But I tried putting myself in their shoes & it's sad to lose a child, what more a baby,
But Allah promises them a free pass to heaven.
He no longer feels pain, no longer has to go under the knife, spend nights in the hospital hooked to tubes, take medicine.
He can now walk, talk, run & play, something he never got to do on earth.
& he doesn't miss his mom or his family.
I think that's the most important.
These kids don't miss their families, they don't sit in heaven crying for mommy.
I think Savannah & Steve realizes that & you can see their smiling faces even at the funeral.
& I don't know exactly how but this made me feel like I've grown so much this year.
There's still about 20 days left of 2016,
Currently I'm learning to live as a normal human being in Malaysia.
Ikhwan just started working in the morning since last week,
It's still too early to say but we've mostly had good days.
As long as I stick to my checklist of bathing kids, preparing lunch for them & doing the laundry, then everything else like feeding myself, bathing & prayers, housekeeping just falls into place while the day progresses.
Though I know I'd have to shake things up in 2017 with toilet training Hilwa & registering her for school in 2018.
Seriously, when you have kids planning 2 years in advance feels last minute lol.
As for world issues,
I think having a president from a business background is really not so bad, but what do I know about politics,
I have yet to read the cursed child not watch fantastic beasts & I'm not just OK, I'm actually indifferent (growth I tell you. It'll happen at the right time but I'm not throwing a fit about getting it RIGHT NOW).
I saw a picture on instagram with all the coffins of that Brazilian (I think) football club that died in the plane crash & it was surreal.
I'm actually rethinking air travel lol. I mean, ran out of fuel - in 2016 - SERIOUSLY?
Aaaand that's all I can manage off the top of my head.
It's bath time since 30 minutes ago & a housewife really can't afford to waste seconds.

Loss.

So I once wrote about some Instagram kids I fell in love with,
One of them was Hayes who was battling cancer.
He passed away about 12 hours ago.
About a week ago they found out the cancer was back,
Its aggressive & in a part of his brain that they couldn't get rid of.
& he was discharged to spend his last days with his family.
& reading that news last weekend,
I've been out of sorts ever since.
Imagine you as a parent, finding out you only have days left with your child.
Feeling the need to grief but also needing to savor every single second left.
Wanting for his pain to be over but wanting so much more time with him.
& his triplets, Heath & Reese.
How do you love them knowing they will never be a complete set anymore, yet knowing you'll still have a piece of Hayes to hold near.
Oh god I'm such a mess, & I don't even know this kid.
I've been stalking instagram nonstop this past week,
Wanting an update but not wanting to know if is has happened.
Scrolling through the explore page for hours because I didn't want to go to Steve & Savannah's page directly,
But maybe because I've been changing phones so much, his picture very rarely came up.
Then my resolve would crumble & all I'd have to do is type 's' into the search bar & the first two names would be the Tates,
& I'd see him asleep.
In his brother's arms, laying beside Heath, always asleep.
& I'd pray for his suffering to be over soon.
Or a miracle, whichever.
& today he's gone.
It has finally happened.
Today his body lays lifeless,
No longer in pain,
No longer smiling.
Today a family grieves,
A mom is probably sniffing his tshirt right now,
A dad forcing a tough smile.
& I'm a sobbing mess, all for a boy I've never met.
Oh god motherhood is so weird.
I just realized I know for a fact Hayes is in an incredible place right now,
That god loves him so much,
That he doesn't miss his family, his life back on earth,
He is happy & he has beyond everything he needs.
& whatever I am feeling, is grief for a grieving family.
For a mother who will probably never feel complete again.
I pray for her strength & peace.
& for mine too.