I'm torn between wanting to blog about my vacation trip with Ikhwan's family,

& some.. feelings.. I had just now.

I guess the feelings issue is easier to talk about now because I'm honestly too lazy to upload pictures here.

It's the same case as what I have blogged,

about how if things only happen at the right place & the right time,

then life would not be life.

I guess I was just reminded by how alike you are to your dad.

Sumpah suara sama ok, masa dia bagi salam tadi terkejut aku.

Lepas tu sambil kunyah nasik dengan kari, mulalah otak ligat rewind.

Kembali ke malam My Immortal 19 kali,

ke hari first time bergaduh dengan boyfriend lantas ugut bunuh diri (drama gila) then you actually walked me home to make sure I didn't jump into the longkang tepi rumah,

lepak padang tangkap gambar cincin,

the last few days before you left for MMU.

How you reassured me the friendship will last,

that distance doesn't matter when there's the phone & the internet,

& you walked me home again,

one last time.

Bunyi macam couple terhebat dunia kan?

But he was just a friend,

takde friendzone-friendzone apekejadah.

We spent all those time swapping sad stories about how our love lives sucked,

& the fact that being both pisceans, we clicked so well.

Bila aku pikir balik, aku serious tak pernah ada feelings for him,

walaupun bergayut berjam-jam macam bercinta.

What happened, man?

I actually know the answer.

Life happened.

I grew up,

he found someone,

then, obviously, we had no problems to share with each other anymore,

nothing common to talk about,

& we grew apart.

& omg you're getting married,

"meleleh ayaq liuq dah" bak kata ayah hang.

Sabar jerlah.

Congrats & all the best, dude.

"Hold it close, won't let this go"

Dream Catch Me must be a favourite when it comes to songs for wedding videos,
the flow,
the trinkling guitar intro,
is so "focus into muka bride tengah kena tenyeh dengan mak andam".
& maybe that's why I like it so much,
I somehome can picture myself going through it.
Mahap la mak tak habis berangan lagi ni ye.
But what I like most about it is once the song gets to its chorus,
of how it's really up to him to go wherever & think whatever when he withdraws into himself,
but instead he sees the 2 of them.
it makes life that much easier to imagine.
we're always at the top of a hill,
solid white weather, but the kind that shines.
& you, turning with a smile.

the extremely long graduating post.

semua orang dah pun selesai dengan status update & blog post terima kasih - terima kasih mereka.

aku?

hari ni agak berkejar ke sana sini serta ada gangguan perasaan sikit so,

finally at 2230 hours,

lepas selesai tanggungjawab sebagai employee, maksu & anak,

inilah masa aku nak menghadap blogger.

aih makin lama makin panjang mukadimah tetiap blog ni.

anyways,

i don't know about most people,

but sometimes it's impossible for me to measure my life by the amount of time that passes,

because, as always, time moves too fast for me to really understand it.

so most of the time i'm left with measuring my life by the experiences that i've been through.

right now, honestly,

the beginning of degree feels like just last year.

macam baru tahun lepas aku duduk depan PC bawah dan tweet "finance in shah alam anyone?" pagi sebelum gerak ke uitm first day of class.

macam baru tahun lepas aku beratur tunggu turn depan bilik en husni dengan sina,

lepas tu nadia tegur ajak berkenalan.

macam baru tahun lepas belajar japanese dengan sensei aini.

(dan insiden shooting video japanese ketika tengah angau tahap meroyan).

semua tu 2 tahun setengah yang lepas okay.

tapi toksah nak habaq la,

part one diploma pun rasa macam tahun lepas jugak.

tapi bila diukur dengan experiences,

seperti convo & the days following,

seperti the PD class zoo trip,

seperti ramadhan 2010,

baru aku sedar aku ni dah tua rupanya T.T

semalam lepas dah tau result dan recover dari episod tangan gigil sampai typo melampau,

a rush of faces flashed across my mind.

a lot of people brought me here,

i didn't do this on my own, hell no.

from FA through out my first sem & adapting to life in shah alam,

to R who pretty much pushed me through first finals,

to I, whom without i probably wouldn't be able to face internship.

sina & nadia, undoubtedly, yang sangat memahami jiwa aku yang control freak when it comes to assignments,

mama, for bells,

abah, for random conversations yang buat aku semangat ke arah finance.

yaya, for the kids & also the random conversations,

fai, for constantly challenging my ego in a way only a brother can (i just realized this now, but hell it makes sense).

kak gayah, kak milah,

wan, for being in the same building as me & mock trial & assignment account & offering your office as my tempat bertenggek,

lecturers (especially en syed, en husni, datin yang buat personal super awesome, & lain-lain, sebenarnya semua terkesan kat hati cuma tak mampu sebut je),

mak, for making opkim super awesome juga (tetibe craving mak punya suun),

groupmates through out the whole bachelor course.

dzulaikha, sebab aku tahu mesti dia nak aku sebut nama dia (juga for entertaining me time aku tengah gelabah hilang akal tunggu result)

dan sesiapa sahaja yang pernah cross path & therefore, making a mark on my journey through life.

wohh boleh tahan panjang & sentimental.

but it seriously just dawned on me minutes before the result email came in last night,

that i am no longer a student,

& will never be anymore, most probably.

dah tamat lagi satu era dalam hidup,

yang pada mulanya benci sebenci-bencinya masa dapat kat perak dulu,

sekarang muka-muka ni la yang aku paling sayang,

yang nak duduk sebelah bersanding nanti,

yang nak jadi dayang-dayang.

but another realization i had was that,

yes it was good while it lasted,

but i'm relieved it's over.

it's the right time,

& i'm ready to move on.

so til we meet again for convo,

as for now i am just glad i'm done with you, uitm.

from a piscean to a piscean;

"we like to know we've explored all of our options. because we're the kind of people who would look back & think 'what if I had pushed it a little bit more?'"

:)

& now i'm basking in the feeling of Newton Faulkner - Dream Catch Me with new earphones.

hee

That shade of colour.

It's amazing how a dream that lasted probably less than 10 minutes can spark so many things.
Thoughts, realizations, regrets.
Perhaps in that order.
How i allowed things to go wrong.
How certain things could have worked out.
How things could have turned out so, so different.
But then if things always happened the right way at the right time,
Life wouldn't be life,
I wouldn't have grown,
& wouldn't be able to learn from moments like this.
But a human is prone to some regrets, if not many,
The fact that with those that came after you, there was none like you,
In the way that even your subconscious reaches out to me,
In the way that you undoubtedly loved me, though in your very own way which i failed to recognize,
In the way that i trusted you deep down inside, to this very day, that you are, have been, & always will be true.
Thanks for the love, & especially for the friendship.
(& even in that you have been generous to me)

24th wishlist

ladies & gentlemen,

it is officially the 17th of february.

which means it is exactly four weeks & a day (thanks, leap year, for the extra 24 hours) to my birthday.

& i know the fact that i'm cheerfully writing this post is pretty weird,

because i don't look forward to my birthdays.

well i don't hate them, i just see no point in them.

if anything, now that i'm literally counting down days to turning 24,

it makes me feel even more vulnerable to death.

but enough of the mukadimah.

as per the yearly custom, a birthday wishlist is in order!

honest to god i can't think much of what i expect or what i want beyond 17th march.

right now i just want one thing,

& only one person could give it to me.

"if you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it",

quoting beyonce.

but of course i welcome wishes & cash any day.

& this is because ada minah perasan aku nak tulis blog pasal dia,

so cik dzulaikha munir, ni aku sebut nama kau.

kau baik bagi aku hadiah hebat-hebat,

considering apa yang aku bakal buat untuk kau esok.

sekian.

Secrets.

I don't know where to turn to anymore,
I'm using up the last few degrees. the things i do to remain faithful to you, is mind-boggling.

i just realized that the last dream i had of you revolved around the same place,

or at least that was the last dream of you that i blogged about.

i doubt there were any other dreams since then though.

you know those kind of dreams where you truly lose yourself,

you lose reality,

& you truly live in that moment.

i saw you.

i believed i was with you.

& whatever ounce of consciousness in me began telling me 'he's not here anymore. remember? that's the reason you've been so sad'.

& i argued back,

what the hell are you talking about?

he's right there.

alive, breathing,

not quite well, but alive. he's there! see.

& i thought wouldn't it be a good idea to blog about this?

tell everyone we've been silly,

that we keep saying we miss him when he's just there.

if you miss him all you have to do is visit him, silly.

he's right there.

& by this time i was already walking the circles.

i should have realized what was going on,

then i wouldn't have woken up so hard.

but i didnt, i was so preoccupied with trying to blog on my phone,

& thinking to myself 'i gotta go home. this is taking too long, i'll lose my train of thought'.

& the obvious happened.

i reached for my phone,

extended my arm out of my subconscious,

& woke up.

despite the torture that i had to endure after,

despite the words you said to me (it wasn't you. it's never been you anyway),

despite everything,

it was good seeing you again.

(i know i say that too much, but it's the only truth i can speak without losing my sanity).

Dear Lya,

There's 2 more hours to go until Ikhwan gets off work.

This means it's now around 3pm in UK.

But that's irrelevant.

I could watch a movie,

which I probably would shortly,

but right now I'm just feeling empty.

Not quite like "saya tiada hala tuju, tolonglah penuhi kekosongan ini",

more like I gotta talk about this before my chest burst.

You see,

yesterday evening I came home to a very nice surprise.

My Kyoto Protocol CD, An Album, finally arrived.

(& that's what you get for purchasing it on the eve of a very long weekend.

Felt like it took forever to arrive)

First surprise came in the form of a messily, although sweetly, handwritten poslaju slip.

By Fuad himself.

By the time I (carefully) ripped the plastic apart and held the CD case in my hand,

I was probably already wetting my panties.

But it didn't stop there.

This was inside.

Yes, I know I'm not the first person ever to get an autographed CD.

That didn't quite matter, because I was still pretty much obsessed with the handwritten poslaju slip.

Until I noticed the fact that he wrote 'Dear Lya',

when I actually registered my name as Hilyah.

It could be my email address,

& even if it IS just my email address,

it means a lot to me that he took the time to notice.

That I am not just a 'Hilyah' who bought a CD,

but I am Lya, a fan.

You made my day, Fuad Alhabshi.

Then this morning he tweeted this & made my week

"@FuadKyoto Bringing happiness to people makes #music worthwhile @KyotoBand bit.ly/z2DBBY"

Knowing that your happiness made someone's day

(& that I was on his mind this morning)

it's an indescribable feeling.

Happiness truly is infectious :)

Thank you for appreciating this fan-girl-ism.

there's a lot of noise in my head.
through out the process of minimizing the excel window I was working on,
opening a new browser,
waiting for blogger to load,
& signing in,
I probably heard 5 different voices wanting to speak about 5 different things.
but I came here to say one thing,
& if in the process of saying it, the other 4 (or more) gets told too,
then that's jolly good.
so today I decided to go home during lunch time.
ikhwan has told me to do so many times before,
I kept giving the excuse of not wanting to lose my parking spot.
but today,
what with the wednesday blues of knowing this is the last short week for a very long time,
& menses (& the mental battle of using pads vs menstual cups),
I decided to go home for lunch,
& spent half an hour reading.
I came to realize a lot of things in the last few tens of minutes,
that I've been worrying so much about petty things in life,
that I've been bothered about whether to live or to feel,
that I've been agonizing about not getting enough, or not wanting what I get,
it's partly because I've left reading for quite some time.
or at least I've left reading for pleasure.
I forgot the escape that books provide,
getting lost in a fiction, in a fake life,
where all the problems get solved,
& their destiny lies at the hand of the author.
not that I'm saying my life's so bad,
& not that I'm saying I don't like Allah dictating my fate.
but still, on a slow, boringly depressing wednesday afternoon,
it'd be good to pretend I'm a flu-infected vampire on a cruise towards Greenland.
& then when I snap out of it,
worrying about wedding dates & wedding clothes & wedding favours & wedding so & so don't seem so repetitively insane anymore.

dah grad, bak kata ika.

dah selasa petang.

tak terasa pun cuti 4 hari.

tapi at least sabtu & ahad ada hasilnya (yang boleh dicollect sabtu depan).

walaupun berkorban waktu guling-guling atas katil,

waktu dating bermanja-manja,

serta waktu baca buku/tengok movie/futurama,

oh & most importantly, berkorban waktu visit Ayra!

at least we are now that much closer to our matlamat hidup.

hopefully segala ilmu & realizations yang lebih berharga dari ilmu-ilmu itu,

aku tak terlupa when the time comes.

haihh feeling lepas hujan sungguh.

so here's to slaving away without any public holidays for the next 3 months or so.

lima tahun.

sebab hari ni aku ghey,
aku telah secara tidak langsung berjaya mendivert segala excess emotions ini kepada merindui Ayra.
sumpah, terpandang gambar dekat post bawah-bawah ni boleh nak nangis.
i need to hold babies!


mungkin ada relevencenya,
we handle death by appreciating life.
i swear to god i need to hold babies & smell babies right now.
Layla, Ilhan & Ayra, ashu korang ghey.