Stuck.

Lama tak membebel isu babywearing kat sini.
I'm stash-ily stuck.
I currently own a toddler tula which we still use for Hilwa (most recent masa pergi big bad wolf hari tu) & which Izzaz will eventually grow into,
A standard tula which is wajib for Izzaz everytime we go out. This is absolutely the only gear I am satisfied with, like my loyalty to Tula is unquestionable.
Then I have a COK 100% cotton RS which is useless for my kids since it's so broken in that it can't hold their weight at all (slips through the ring), but I so so love, it's my one & only handwoven ever, I love the color, it's the perfect gathered shoulder, & I've sworn I'll keep it forever so I can babywear my nieces, nephews & godchildren in.
But this is also my most valuable RS which I know I'll be able to sell if I ever have the heart to list it.
A sensible me knows that I can always wear other babies with the simple cotton RS that I learnt to wear Hilwa in,
But I love my COK so much T.T selling it is out of the question, period.
Then there's the vanamo kide 50% linen beautifully dyed RS which is just not selling.
I swear, it's an awesome RS. My only issue with it is the length. Yes I have considered getting it chopped but I just don't have funds allocated for that right now.
But to be honest, now that I really think about it (this is why I love ranting about this here) if I do get to sell this RS, the chances of me finding a replacement  toddlerworthy RS that I like aesthetically & within my budget is pretty much zero.
So we move on to the last item in my stash,
The tekhni repreve RS (gosh I forgot the name. Gothic?).
This RS, which has an eesti shoulder, made me realize I am actually an exclusively gathered shoulder person.
I never could find my sweet spot with this RS, & now Izzaz is officially too heavy for it & it is beginning to slip through the rings when I wear him.
I'd actually list it tonight but it's currently in my car 15 storeys down, & believe it or not, I have never snapped a single picture of it. Ever. It is so unloved I feel so sorry for it lol.
But repreve is awesome though. I love the cush, the airy-ness, how light but thick it is. It's just that the mama I bought it from dibs-ed it but I see she's trying to destash without much luck, so I'll feel like an asshole for trying to sell it back to her, but then I can't just go list without consulting her first, you know what I mean?
Urgh the politics of babywearing.
But I know I gotta just man up & sell the tekhni & maybe use the money to shorten the vanamo & be done with it.
Until Izzaz outgrows the standard tula & I can sell that & the vanamo too & use the money to eatttt!

Stepping into 2017.

Dah jejak masuk tahun yang bakal bawa aku ke angka 29,
I realized the older I am, the shorter forever feels, the smaller my world becomes.
Nak flashback tahun 2016 kemain payah,
Mungkin sebab nyanyuk tapi mungkin juga sebab motip.
2016 feels good.
Ikhwan, Hilwa, Izzaz, mama abah, mama papa, adik-beradik, ipar-duai, anak-anak sedara semua masih hidup, sihat walafiat, bahagia, murah rezeki, alhamdulillah.
What more can you ask for honestly?
Just this realization alone buat aku rasa humbled & kerdil sungguh dengan Allah.
I don't say alhamdulillah enough, that should be my new year's resolution.
& it's so insignificant nak sebut the lows of 2016,
Which right now the only thing that comes to mind is the health of my kids.
Izzaz's eczema, dua kali dia kena nebulizer tahun ni, demam selsema dua-dua beradik biasa la tu.
& this is why aku kata my world has become so small,
Because umpamanya Ikhwan, Hilwa & Izzaz tu la Malaysia,
& mama abah, mama papa, & all of our siblings tu la the rest of the world.
Luar dari tu aku rasa macam not worth mentioning, takde direct effect.. macam tu la.
There was this one trip to the pasar with mama & kak milah where at the last minute I brought Izzaz coz he woke up & l didn't have any carrier with me,
& he was being passed between the 3 of us, & was being kissed & coddled by his Tok Ana & Tok Tam that I realized,
He is so loved compared to so many other people in this world.
My kids are so loved by their grandparents, uncles, aunties & cousins,
& they have our backs, no question asked, in the event of anything at all.
Alhamdulillah.
So it doesn't matter we didn't step on a plane at all this year,
Or we didn't spend their birthdays or our anniversary or tonight in a fancy hotel.
I am currently so filled with love,
& truly humbled.
I spent the last day of 2016 having a satisfying meal out with my family, then having a tahlil & gathering with my extended in laws which also lead to midnight fireworks session,
This year my best friend got married,
Another one came home for good then got pregnant,
All the rest of the people close to my heart have jobs, enough to eat, currently still breathing & in good health.
& I have managed to keep my kids alive, & myself out of jail, for another year.
Rejoice!
Happy new year to you & yours.
Moga kita sentiasa di bawah rahmatNya.