2015.

I'm gonna start this post by saying how absolutely freaked out I am over my period.
I'm like borderline fainting at the sight of my own blood hurr.
It's no joke really, I just spent most of the last 3 years either pregnant, breastfeeding or even both.
Ok I totally skipped the bleeding out after birth part.
Maybe that's the problem.
Bleeding out after birth came with the postnatal aches & pains.
There's even the stitches to kinda explain the blood.
Yeah so right now my brain is like.. I'm bleeding by why am I not in pain lol.
Hurghh it's to soon to be getting my period.
It took almost a year after I gave birth to Hilwa.
It's only been 4 months since I delivered Izzaz.
Omg I'm freaking out over my period. Publicly.
Aaanyways. 2015.
I was beginning to piece together a recap post since a few days ago when I began wondering, why should I recap?
Everything's posted here anyways, just go read you lazy ass.
I think this recap thing was started by my younger self trying to justify that each year she lived was awesome.
Like there had to be at least 10 different awesome moments or occasions that happened in the year to remember it by.
Well guess what, young Hilyah,
In 2015, you got denggi, you went to Sydney, & you gave birth. Again.
There were no parties, no love you/broke up with you drama,
But there were a lot of trips though, during which you severely judged how nice a hotel bathroom is & spent most of the time ordering room service then sleeping when the babies napped.
So Alhamdulillah for another year where I am healthy & alive,
Where my husband is healthy, alive & employed,
& all of my family - my kids, both sets of parents, both sets of siblings, my nieces & nephews - are all alive & healthy.
& that is all that matters.
If there was one thing about 2015, it's that I never thought I'd be able to say 'my kids'.
I have children guys. Not just a child.
Children.
So here's to 2016 & taking life a day at a time, impatiently waiting for the kids to grow up & stop being annoying lol.

New (old) fave band alert omg I have a new (old) fave band at 27.

I remember clearly that particular moment in my 17th year of life.
I was backing out of a parking lot near jasema makan when Fall Out Boy came on hitz.fm & I emergency braked.
Must've been Sugar We're Going Down or something.
I don't remember coz I either changed the channel or switched off the radio immediately.
Yes I'm that dramatic lol.
& right then I swore off Fall Out Boy for going mainstream.
True enough though, shortly after that everyone in school started worshipping them.
& Pete Wentz married Ashlee Simpson & went all Justin Bieber pretty much.
So not my style.
It's been 10 years since (oh wow perspective),
The only song I've allowed myself is I Don't Care, apart from their first two albums demo whatever.
& it was exactly that that I was craving for.
I Don't Care.
I don't keep songs in my phone, it wasn't in my mp3 & I was too lazy to switch on my laptop.
So I turned to YouTube, which then suggested a playlist of their 50 best songs or something.
& well, fast forward a few days & here I am finding pleasure after shuffled pleasure through their entire discography on my mp3 player.
I gotta say, I'm glad I quit them cold turkey back then.
I'm not proud of the majority of memories I have post-spm right up to the day I got married, but those memories are probably the most colourful, intense ones I have.
My guilty pleasures if you will.
& they're all tied to one song or another,
Sometimes even complete albums or bands.
So I can't quite listen to pretty much everything in my mp3 player without reminiscing.
Except for Fall Out Boy now.
I'm not gonna over analyze them right now,
Whether they've kept to or strayed from their original style,
If they've gone full on pop or dubstep or whatever,
What matters is it's good.
All of it so far. All good.
So imma let it jive guiltlessly with my soul right now.
Dear 17 year old Hilyah, you did good for once.
High five!

Full on whiny post ahead.

I recently read an article someone shared on fb titled along the lines of 'why a mother kills her own kids'.
I never got the answer from that article though,
It was more about listing out actual cases of mothers who killed her kid(s).
Well right now I'm gonna actually tell you why a mother would kill her kids.
Because she's effing tired.
Because she effing has had enough.
Because she was the first to wake up & the last to sleep.
& even when she gets to sleep, she does so on her side, uncomfortably, because her 2 kids are pressing onto her from both sides.
& then she gets woken up every hour because they want to feed,
Sometimes even both at once.
Because she can't remember the last time she got to savour her meal, eating in peace & without being interrupted/having to rush.
Then there are days that go so well,
Managed to squeeze in an hour at the park, baby slept through dinner allowing mama to eat well & feed kakak who was cooperating by eating well too,
& mama gets home thinking she will finally get a peaceful night for a movie or something,
When baby refuses to settle down, start making noises, wake kakak up, then baby falls asleep, now kakak is up watching videos on her stupid phone, interrupting baby's sleep.
Yes all that, & so much more,
& I myself am surprised I haven't killed both of my kids.
Oh I've thought of it a lot.
I could be working, earning good money for me to spend on myself,
Buying whatever I fancy this month,
A nice car, a house.
I wouldn't have to worry what tasteless food to cook today that would make a picky eater eat a proper meal,
I can wear nice, expensive bras instead of ugly cotton nursing ones.
& I can buy whatever top I fancy instead of being confined to only those that has button down the front.
Having that said, though, mothers will choose to kill her kids not because she's selfish.
She can't bear the idea of her kids not having their mother to look after them,
Not getting their mother's milk,
Not having a mother to put them to sleep at night,
Having to burden other people with the task of raising her kids.
No, she couldn't kill herself.
The thought of her dying in an accident, an illness, terrifies the crap out of her.
So the easier way is to kill them lol.
One thing motherhood has taught me is now when I see news of mothers who kill their (seemingly innocent) kids,
The first thing that crosses my mind is 'what on earth did that little devil do to make mama snap?'
& I feel only pity for her.
Now I hope I don't ever snap,
Because this post alone is enough evidence to throw me in jail right lol

Ok that was a terrifyingly morbid post.
It's ok, I know this phase will only last a maximum of 3 years for me.
I just have to chill & keep reminding myself that killing my kids won't result in me being able to afford a nice house.
Serving life in prison is so not worth it.

Twilight: a review (aca-believe-it!)

These past few weeks I've been obsessively reading the entire twilight saga.
Long story short, I got curious.
Stumbled upon midnight sun, which is the leaked half-written Edward's pov of twilight.
Then I was like, oh what the heck, let's read everything.
I'm gonna say I'm proud of how matured I've grown, being able to patiently read this (oh yes it takes GREAT patience) & come up with my own opinions, finally,
As opposed to the blind hating I was doing back when it was all the rage & everyone was just hating it.
The twilight that I knew was purely based on the movies, & let's be honest, the acting really sucks.
Anyways, it was going pretty good to me up to book 3.
I especially enjoyed book 2 & the development of Jacob's character.
Seriously, lautner didn't do him justice.
I'll admit I was so angau the whole of book 2 ( but then later he just got all immature & rude & annoying, I got over him pretty fast)
But then book 4 just went downhill.
I hate the fact that Stephanie Meyer couldn't even sacrifice a tiny bit of Bella's happiness by at least cutting ties with her dad.
They went through like 2 wars, multiple attacks, she carried a baby that was literally shredding her from inside out, & absolutely no one died?
C'mon.. where's the fun in everyone getting a happily ever after?
She didn't even have to part with Jacob, who conveniently imprinted on her daughter.
Boooring.
Harry Clearwater's death doesn't count coz it didn't even affect Bella,
& personally I feel Stephanie Meyer did that just so Charlie could get his happy ending with Sue.
Again, booooring.
So now I finally feel justified in hating this series lol.
Couldn't help comparing to Darren Shan the whole way.
That said, though, my absolute favorite part throughout all 4 books is that small part on Quil & Claire at the beach.
Because of course I'd be touched whenever a small girl is involved lol.
I don't remember the exact words, but something in the way Jacob was reflecting on how Quil treats Claire unlike other parents who just looks bored & impatiently waiting for the next nap time that gave me a real tight slap.
I don't want to be that kinda parent.
I want to be Quil.

The lusting continues.

Dear husband,
The latest item on my lust list is a kokadi flip.
It's an SSC btw,
One that is so cool that Hilwa & Izzaz can share it at the same time.
You know how easy it is when Hilwa is throwing one of her tantrums & we put her into the tula with just a snap here & a snap there?
Well now imagine having to bring only one gear out,
Not having to pause so long everytime I need to wrap/sling Izzaz up,
Instead, just snap snap & he's up.
I've been thinking a lot about our upcoming trip back to Kelantan & the idea of having to bring the stroller & the tula & most probably the wrap for Izzaz is already so tiring for me.
I know I can just bring 1 ring sling & both Izzaz & Hilwa can use it but people are saying the aluminium rings will trigger the alarm when passing through the body scan.
& that's probably a really bad excuse because I'm sure such incidence can be easily explained,
But it's always more fun to buy something new right lulz.
Haihh this confirms that there really isn't such a thing as being stashified (the feeling of being satisfied with your stash/collection of gears).
I'm still hogging every single thing I own & now I've managed to find yet another one I 'absolutely need'.
What I really need, though, is to put my foot down.
No new gears until I let go either the TSF or one of the ring slings.
The tula is definitely staying,
Just last Sunday Hilwa fell asleep in it on my back & all it felt like was a light backpack.
Hands down best gear I ever bought.
But then who knows if in the future it's the kokadi flip?
Tihii

Progress report.

Izzaz is now 3 months old.
No longer that cold all the time, though he does puke if I'm stupid enough to change his diaper with the aircond on or something.
He has, unbelievably, learned to roll over.
But sometimes I think it's just coz he's so round that he can't help tilting over lol.
So he sleeps on his front most of the time now,
& Hilwa wakes up in the night for milk more than he does,
Mainly coz she still refuses to eat properly throughout the day which makes her hungry at night.
Another thing about Izzaz is that lately he's been making this weird growling cry whenever he wants attention.
It sounds exactly like the sound he makes when he's been crying too long & I don't pick him up,
But his face will be relaxed, sometimes even cheerful, like he knows the sound would make me scramble to him & he's just teasing me.
Silly boy.
Ever since he started rolling over I haven't been having the best sleep.
Now I get assaulted from both sides.
I put him to sleep by nursing him while lying on my left side every night,
& when he's out I will roll away from him,
But now he will just roll with me then wriggle til he's pressed into my side,
& Hilwa will do the same on my right so I'm usually left lying on whichever side I nursed last, with the other kid pressed into my back,
& any major movements like getting up to go lie down someplace else or moving them to clear some space for me will wake either one or both of them.
So yeah,
I can't wait for them to move into their own beds urgh.

Nonsense.

Why aren't babies born with at least the sense to know what's good for themselves?
Like knowing when to stop drinking once they've had enough,
Lest they projectile vomit.
Or knowing not to wiggle & roll around with a full tummy,
Lest they projectile vomit. Again.
Especially after getting a fresh change of clothes.
& also knowing to keep their voice down when their sibling is asleep/falling asleep so mama can then give them her full attention.
Especially you, Izzaz, you know full well when your sister is up, all she wants to do is step on your forehead.
& Hilwa, if you're reading this like 15 years from now,
Yes you did step on your brothers head, deliberately, a lot.
& you received as many slaps from me, deliberately.
Sheesh kids.
All I want to do is lie down on the bed & play candy crush T.T

Hoard them all.

Ok as usual, I'm leaving my observations here.
The 99 stars ring sling has been working perfectly for Izzaz.
So today I decided to bring the COK out just to compare,
& it's still slippery for me.
I'd always have to keep at least one hand on his bum to keep him high, not sliding down & in m-shape.
So I kinda thought maybe it's time I let the COK go & free up some funds.
But of course my hoarder self decided to put Hilwa in it just to see what happens,
& it held up like a dream for her.
Of course.
So then I decided to try her in the 99 stars,
You know, maybe she's just a very experienced wearee that everything works with her.
Neah.. Not so much.
Great, now they each have their own ring sling urgh.
So I'm thinking, maybe Izzaz just needs to grow a bit.
By the looks of things, I think he'll grow out of the 99 stars & into the COK.
& I guess I'll hold on to the TSF til the end of this year,
See if I reach for it more or if I'm just content with ring slings.
No more new gears most definitely.
Til I sell at least one thing.
I should stop looking at FSOTs, seriously.

Oh. Since we're on the topic of consumerism right now,
I actually saw a jujube bff in the wild just now.
In the first mate print.
I almost fainted right there in jusco,
Seriously considered going up to the mama & asking to raba the bag lol.
But then of course I went all bitchy instead,
& whispered to ikhwan "pakai ergo je" bahahah.
But for someone to own a jujube here in Malaysia, she must be very American.
& for that thank god she wasn't wearing a baby Bjorn instead, youknowwhatimean.

To my two girls.

I wouldn't say my weekend was overly eventful,
But it was pretty significant.
I've gone from nervousness to excitement, calmness & now determined whatever-ness if that even makes sense.
I'm lying here on my bed, it's an hour til Sunday is over & I suddenly feel
Tired,
Glad,
& I miss my two girlfriends too much.
I just stumbled upon a wall post Lin left on my fb which is a snippet of a blog post she wrote probably 5 years ago?
Or more?
& I'm torn between missing that & feeling glad I still have that.
That we go soooo way back that I can bring up even stuff that happened during our primary school years & not have to explain anything to them.
It'd be awesome to be able to duduk di celah-celah tiang glojy with the two of them overanalyzing life decisions right now though.
I don't say this with regret, sadness or anything.
I just miss them,
& I am so ready to move forward with them & spouses (& kids soon please!),
Collecting more life stories sans bad life decisions hopefully.

Chopper's regret.

I juuuust received my kokadi 99 stars ring sling.
Swear to god, my first thought upon touching it was "damn I shouldn't have chopped this".
It is so insanely soft & marshmallowy (now I get that term), it would have been awesome as a wrap.
It made my TSF feel rough ok.
But whatever, you can't unchop a wrap.
As a ring sling it's still super yummy.
Popped Izzaz in & everything just locked into place,
The seat feels secure (unlike the slippery COK that I've been complaining about),
& I absolutely love the monochrome stars.
Oh & I'm actually quite digging the baby fizzy hybrid shoulder.
Well-padded & neat.
Geez I'm so in love.
But right now I really have this strong urge to just sell both the TSF & COK then hunt down a size 6 99 stars lol.
& this makes me so curious how the octagram feels (which, btw, the owner of the brand daiesu happens to be my BIL's neighbor, I almost had a heart attack when I found out) coz I don't think I wanna buy anymore wraps if it isn't as soft as this one.
Ok Hilyah let's just freaking chill,
Try the ring sling out with different clothes,
Take it out for a spin,
Then we'll see what happens k.
Bawak mengucap.

Boundary.

This article is so good, I have tears in my eyes.
Tears from the realizations it brings,
From the guilt I feel due to how I treat Hilwa sometimes (ok, most of the time),
Of hope & determination to get over this stage closer than ever to each other.
I shall leave this here for my future self on those days Hilwa (& Izzaz) decides to be a galloping horse, or a flailing fish, or any other non-human form they fancy.

http://idealistmom.com/terrible-twos/

What is motherhood?

It is wishing desperately for some time away from your kids,
But the moment you leave them, you miss them;
Handing them over to your husband so you can have some quiet time in the room,
But end up scrolling through pictures of them in your phone (or blogging about them);
To be able to eat a nice meal without interruption, & at your own sweet time,
But not being able to take a bite because you're wondering if they're hungry at home;
It is wishing they won't depend on you so much sometimes,
But feeling offended the moment they put someone else above you;
Impatiently waiting for them to fall asleep,
Then wanting to kiss their innocent faces til they wake up again;
It is missing your husband so, so much,
Even when he's beside you,
Because the moment you turn towards him, someone will definitely stir & demand your full attention,
But then if no one did stir, you're kinda too tired you'd rather be asleep instead;
Because the moment this person that was made from pieces of you, inside of you, came out of you,
You'll never, ever feel whole when they're not around.
Now imagine if we feel that way towards every single piece of our faeces lol.

Game plan.

Writing this game plan down here coz it's the only place I feel comfortable blabbing on about brainless things.
So the Daiesu octogram wrap is being released tmrw,
God knows how much a size 6 would cost but I kinda have a feeling it's gonna be slightly more expensive than previous daiesus.
But the thing is I'm so lazy when it comes to breaking in wraps.
Kena wash then steam iron then braid then sit on & not to mention must wrap wrap wrap.
Nah I don't think I wanna go through that.
Plus right now I'm actually very happy with my TSF.
On the other hand I'm still having trouble with the COK ring sling being too slippery,
& at the same time there's this nice looking 100% cotton b&w kokadi stars that's perfect for lenjan-ing up for sale,
& she's offering to chop for a ring sling too for a reasonable price.
So I guess the smart thing to do is to go for this ring sling,
Let Izzaz outgrow the TSF,
Then when people start selling off their used (& halfway broken in octagram) I'll get those.
So Linsayang, my dearest bride to be bestie,
I proudly announce I already have the wrap for your wedding lol.

Like what else do I even talk about?

I feel like talking about more useless things tonight.
So I think by now I can safely say Izzaz just wasn't born perfect for babywearing like Hilwa was.
This guy leans everywhere like the bloody tower of Pisa.
He's also already 5.4kg & I'm sure that's way more than what Hilwa weighed at 2 months.
The handwoven ring sling, being a plain weave, has gotten really slippery whenever I wear him.
Which is pretty weird coz I actually wore Hilwa in it back when I first bought it to the pasar ramadhan & all & that thing held up like a dream.
So I guess that's why I say this guy is just not a very good wearee lol.
I don't know if I should be looking for a new ring sling,
Something with a fancier weave or just more textured & grippy.
But in order to be able to afford a new thing I gotta let go something first,
& I can't sell the ring sling without a replacement,
& worse, finding out I dont actually like the new one as much as this current one.
Wouldn't it be easier if Ikhwan just gives me like a monthly babywearing gear allowance or something?
Teehee.
& somehow the emerald rebung obsession is starting to bother me again sigh.
Ooooh that reminds me.
There's this turkish towel green&gray ring sling currently up for trade with a toddler ssc & I'm seriously considering giving up my tula.
But of course right now I'm like noooo I need that for those emergency moments when Hilwa is acting out.
I just hope I don't regret it the moment it's gone.

Drones.

Listening to Drones & I've decided to write a running commentary of sorts.
I'm currently at The Handler & realized that if all the songs, so far, get their lyrics removed I'd totally dig this album.
There are moments in this song that brings out some Absolution feel.
& one of the previous songs has some Resistance feel.
They're not bad really,
But I'm really tired of this robot army, mind control, apocalyptic world war theme.
Give a girl some love songs please.
Like Resistance for example, even though it was based on 1984 but it was a beautiful love song.
So yeah.. there's still the closing half of the album to listen to,
But these are my thoughts so far.
Maybe I'll give the lyrics a read next & see how that goes.
Oh & I also realized that at 27 it actually takes more than heavy guitar riffs to tickle my fancy lol.

No love for linen?

So this week was my turn to host the travelling Indio.
It's an orangey 60% cotton 40% linen wrap.
First impression: stiff!
Since Hilwa was nearest to me, I immediately wrapped her.
Despite her willingness, settling straight into the front carry position, I found it pretty difficult to wrap with.
I don't know if it was because of her weight,
Or the Indio weave making it grippy,
Or the linen part of it,
But I just couldn't get Hilwa high enough & to tighten properly.
The sloppiness of my wrap job made her feel so heavy on my shoulders.
& if I remember correctly, the stiffness made it feel diggy.
So I put her down & tried with Izzaz.
As usual he wouldn't settle down, he's a natural born leaner.
Normally I have to wrap him, rock him to sleep, then retighten.
But even the first round of tightening he was already making noises.
I'm guessing the linen is rough against his skin.
& as with Hilwa, I just couldn't get him high & tight enough.
I still have until Thursday,
Maybe we'll give it another go & see what happens.
But as for now, there's just no love for this wrap.
It's been sitting in the bag it came in at the corner of Izzaz's cot,
& it's an Indio for God's sake!
I'm just not excited to even take it out & admire it's beauty.
But now I'm curious about all cotton high contrast Indios (black & white & the likes).
Wondering where I can get my hands on one just for the sake of trying.
Then maybe we can get over Indios for good?

*Added at 2340hrs
Just tried it again with both babies.
I was more prepared with Izzaz this time,
He's in long sleeves & long pants,
At least he didn't cry this time.
But I wore him sekejap je, didn't wait to see if he'd fall asleep.
Then wrapped Hilwa in.
She immediately yawned then fought out of it.
This wrap is definitely thin.
It folds much smaller & I can feel the weight difference compared to my TSF.
But I still love the fish's soft, smooth & fluffy-ness.
So yeap.. still no love for linen.
The diggy-ness is still there, tightening Hilwa is such a struggle.
I'd say this wrap would be perfect for a 5 month old weighting around 7 kg.
Izzaz is too lembik & fragile for it while Hilwa is too heavy.
& that's enough of me rambling on about a piece of cloth kthxbye.

Getting to know you.

Izzaz has been more alert & responsive these past couple of weeks.
He can focus on faces & respond to sounds by smiling & cooing.
Super cute, I'm like obsessed (& of course Hilwa is jealous).
I'm also starting to understand him as a person.
On top of his 6pm mandi ritual that he's had since birth, really,
Where he'd get restless & fussy around 5.30pm onwards & will only settle down once I've wiped him down & change his clothes,
Now he is really tak tahan sejuk.
Polar opposite of Hilwa who literally sweats in her sleep in aircond,
This guy will be all menggelupur & muntah & restless.
Yesterday I actually bundled him up in Hilwa's sweater & he fell sound asleep almost immediately.
Usually I'd just switch the aircond off for him but yesterday was exceptionally hot.
But overall he's a good natured baby alhamdulillah,
Much like his sister.
Doesn't cry that much, only needs me for milk & to keep him clean,
The occasional cuddles.
Most of the time he'll fuss only when Hilwa decides to pull his blanket off of him lol.
But of course, never leave him in a cold room.

A good mum.

But what about mum's happiness?
All I want is for the toys you're not playing with to be in order,
For you to stay put when you have your meals so you don't drop crumbs all over the house,
For my room to be tidy,
For me to be able to put a box of tissue & newborn essentials by my bedside without you playing with everything.
& for you to go to sleep on time so I get some quiet moments to myself so I can unwind a bit.
Is that too much to ask?
Though of course people will start saying savour these moments, they grow up too fast, bla bla bla.
I don't ask for much, give me half an hour & I'll start looking for them without being ask.
Ok end rant.

Be.

I'm craving for, of all things, peace & quiet.
Hilwa was asleep earlier (didn't nap as usual),
& as I was just about to lay down for some me time, she woke up (of course).
Now Izzaz is asleep but she's on YouTube all loud & annoying.
I can't concentrate on my book,
I feel like listening to music but I know the sight of my mp3 player & especially my headphones will intrigue her.
I'm so tired of scrolling through my phone.
I just want to be kids.
Please go to sleep & let me be T.T

Like a bad breakup. (I think it is a bad breakup).

Lin came over petang tadi & was all hungover on muse.
She brought up, of all things, the random funny things the band does in interviews & such.
So naturally I went looking for those stuff.
Sit the fuck down,
Hi we're muse & this is rage,
Matt & Dom's gay affair,
Those kinda stuff..
It's the one part of the whole muse fandom that I really miss.
Right now I imagine them to be such robots that writes bad music & has no sense of humor lol.
Here I am wearing my uprising t-shirt (which I just noticed),
With Shine in my ears (because my mp3 player ALWAYS knows how to pujuk me with the most appropriate song),
& just now when I switched said mp3 player on I realised I have a picture from the 2010 Singapore trip as the wallpaper.
It's just..
Everything just feels like a bad sort of homesickness.
You think it's a good idea to return but once you get there you realised you were much better off where you were I guess.
But since we're already here lets just revisit all these bad feelings lol.
Resistance came after shine.
Cmon mp3 player, I know you can do better.

Blabs.

We've been out & about, the 4 of us.
My family (read: my mum, sister & I) don't really believe in the whole pantang thing.
We go as far as jaga makan until the stitches heal coz you don't want it to itch or get infected,
But that's about it.
This time around I actually had a tukang urut do the whole tungku & bengkung thing for 3 days & that's considered pretty extreme for us lol.
But I'm not here to talk about pantang,
Just trying to explain myself that I've been out & about but whatevs.
We ate out as a family twice so far,
& I went to lin's engagement last weekend.
I gotta admit, having people admiring my (relatively new) handwoven ring sling was nice teehee.
& not to mention convenient.
I have yet to wrap Izzaz with the fishes though I've been meaning to try,
I feel like he's still a bit too lembik & pukey when handled too much that placing him into an un-pretied carry & then having to tighten the rails a bit too risky.
But I kinda foresee me just being a ring sling mama.
Because convenience.
Ok digressing again.
My point is, October is going to be a busy month for us.
A marathon of weddings starting with a nikah on the 9th then receptions on the 10th (possibly 2 kenduris in one day), 14th & 24th,
& we'll be travelling to seremban & either muar or batu pahat I'm not sure.
So naturally, other than teringin baju baru untuk kenduri,
I've been stalking fsot for a kenduri worthy ring sling lol.
Yes berangan.
But the good news is, one babywearing group I'm in is buzzing with the Syria winter project by Syria care,
& there's like a million stuff being travelled in order to raise funds for the cause (donate a minimum of rm10 in exchange for a chance to host something for a week),
& I got chosen for an Indio wrap yeyyerss!
Finally imma get to raba an Indio.
There was an emerald rebung up for travelling but I missed that cis.
But an Indio is good enough.
Receiving any package at all is good enough to be honest.
I hope this will quench my thirst for new things lulz.

Will Grayson squared.

I'm 2 chapters into Will Grayson, Will Grayson.
& I totally get what lin meant when she said you'll know which part John wrote.
& we were just talking about it petang tadi when she dropped by.
John's books shouldn't be taken seriously.
He writes his characters with awkwardness & some teenage angst but never anything too severe or self loathing.
That's what makes them so enjoyable,
They see the humor in themselves.
But this David guy, whoever he is, writing the other Will Grayson.
Urgh.
He's so rude without even a good reason to be.
Like a typical American brat who just wants to hate the world, & worse, hate his mum.
She's trying so hard to be nice, to provide for him,
She even has a freaking car fund because she can't afford one for him now.
& he's all like urgh I hate her for trying so hard.
What the hell man?
You're writing this character, you have the power to make it a good one.
At least make his mum a hooker or a drunk if you want him to hate her so much.
I don't know, I guess as a mum myself I'm touchy on this subject lol.
Anyways, I know I'm only 2 chapters in,
But right now I really can't see how this other Will Grayson will make good, or even just explain himself.
& I just flipped to the end of the book & there's the preview of tfios there.
Now that's a book of decent kids & good family values worth reading.
I might just.
The third time.

Google-dependent.

One thing I got from faizal is my dependence on technology.
Aku ingat lagi masa kecik faizal was so into all this computer & internet stuff that I often wondered how other families deal with tech-related problems when they don't have a faizal.
Lulz.
Anyways,
For him the most important thing to do when he got his kids were to register their Gmail account.
I'd say it's more important than getting their birth certs.
& of course I got it from him as well.
When picking up names for both Hilwa & Izzaz I made sure the username was still available in Google.
Because honestly, I wouldn't want them to be applying for their jobs in the future with usernames such as hilwa_anis_14102013 for example.
Provided they're still using emails like we do in 20 years time, but better be safe than sorry.
But then Hilwa is already using hers right now.
She has her own phone & her own YouTube account so there, tak kacau orang.
& today a family friend of ours, Mira, who used to be our neighbor but recently moved away so she's been staying at our house after school got robbed.
She was walking back alone from school & a guy on a motorcycle stopped her to ask for directions kononnya,
When she said she didn't know, he asked to borrow her phone to make a call,
Then he rode off.
So she was crying her eyes out & saying her mum would kill her (the phone is barely 3 weeks old) & there are pictures & such in there.
My first thought was 'ah chillax, everything's backed up to Google photos'.
Then I realized, as much as Malaysians are so obsessed with the latest gadgets,
They never pay attention to what these latest gadgets actually offer in terms of security features.
They don't back up their contacts & photos to their Google accounts,
They don't enable features that allows the phone to be remotely locked or wiped out,
Then when the phone gets stolen or broken, there's nothing anyone can do.
Recently faizal & I was kinda 'lecturing' & teaching mama on backing up her photos to Google,
& how easier it is without having to manually transfer photos using the cable,
& how much safer it is since she takes a lot of photos of school activities to use in her reports & such,
& she was going all 'leceh, nanti I lupa how to do, I'm more comfortable using the old manual method' but whatever, we just made sure Google photos was running anyways just in case.
So today when I told her what happened to Mira she went quiet for a while, then asked 'my phone semua backed up to Google kan?'.
Teehee.

Thoughts lagi.

Harini nak mengomel pasal bengkung pulak.
Yes, Hilwa tak nap petang again.
Tapi dia gagah tahan mata sampai 10.30 tadi.
Petang tadi keluar dengan tok abah ke mana ntah, then malam gi grocery shopping pulak dengan tok ana.
Amboi.
Tapi harapnya tidur lambat sikit ni dia follow through sampai pagi (yes semalam dia bangun balik pukul 11.30 menyampah betul aku).
Anyways, bengkung.
Bila budak dua ekor ni tidur serentak baru la boleh aku nak pasang badan sikit lulz.
Mula tadi dah malas, pikir nak landing je.
Tapi kesian kat suami, serta bengkung yang semangat dibeli tapi last2 campak tepi.
So aku pakai la malam ni.
Kalau ikut hati sendiri aku dah bahagia dah dengan perut buncit lembik2 ni tapi fine la, I do this for you la husband.
God knows what difference it will make but yang penting usaha kan?
Stitches pun finally dah baik (after 20 days omfg, telur & seafood I have missed you so),
Maka weekend ni encik suami tolonglah pegang kaki I nak buat sit up lulz.
Satu soalan yang dok berlegar2 dalam kepala otak 2, 3 hari ni,
Cream hilangkan parut macam mederma tu boleh sapu kat vajayjay tak?
Bahahaha

Thoughts.

Hilwa tak nap petang tadi so she's been asleep since 9.30.
Izzaz pulak baru habis menempel sejam, sekarang nak duduk celah ketiak so I can't move.
Moments like this I really wish papa is at home coz dammit I miss getting some tlc lol.
But let us talk about being a mother of 2 instead.
Izzaz sleeps well at night alhamdulillah,
So any free time during the day (when both the kids are napping, or Izzaz is & Hilwa is engrossed in her videos) I spend doing chores.
Screw what people say about sleeping when the kids are sleeping,
Doing the laundry is way more therapeutic to me anyways lol.
The thing I need to keep in check the most is my patience.
Hilwa is still super excited about her brother,
& she always chooses the moment her brother juuuust settled down for a nap to go pat his head & give him a big kiss,
Which always results in me snapping at her.
Add that to the thousand other randomly weird stuff that she does to get my attention,
It's so kesian & I feel really bad honestly.
I haven't really had the time to just sit down with her & play, focus all of my attention to her like she used to have.
But I guess you make do, & keep patience in check.
Me time is rare, bordering nonexistent.
I hope tonight is not a one off occurrence lol.
Tapi tak me time sangat la nak pi toilet tadi pun terkejar-kejar coz Izzaz was stirring & making noises.
He still is, btw.
Gosh how much milk can boys drink in one go, seriously?
Well I can't think of any more to write.
I'm just craving for a really good movie.
& cream puffs.
& maybe some pure caramel ice blended as well.
Hurr.

The birth story #2

My dearest Izzaz Arif arrived on the 20th of August at 0633hrs.
His labour was really quick,
But I think it makes more sense to start on the midnight of the 17th,
When I started getting mild contractions while watching tv with Ikhwan & Hilwa.
I didn't really time it because they weren't really strong,
But the clock at the dining hall told me they were about 10 minutes apart.
At around 3 am I decided to go to sleep,
& thought if it was really it I'd be woken up by more painful contractions.
That didn't happen even though I kept waking up every so often out of excitement, & I'd feel some tightening but nothing strong.
Decided to finally get up at 9 am & go bathe & get breakfast because people said if it was Braxton hicks, a change in activity will usually make it go away,
In the toilet I noticed some blood-tinged discharge.
Ok so the mucus plug is starting to come out.
Despite not much action in the contractions department, Ikhwan decided to stay home from work.
After lunch the tightening stopped & nothing happened after that.
So we took Hilwa to the park & I went for a long walk, hoping whatever last night was will pick up again, but it didn't until later.
Around 1.30am 18th August the mild contractions started again, this time slightly stronger than last night.
I started timing it maybe at 2+ am, but the contractions were growing shorter & the gap further apart.
So I went to sleep.
Woke up with significantly more blood in my discharge,
& it continued to come out, a lot of it, throughout the day.
But with no contractions whatsoever I didn't want to go to the hospital because at most I'd only be 1cm dilated,
& honestly some people do lose their mucus plug & be 1cm dilated just because their baby is engaged.
So Ikhwan decided to go to work,
& I went about life as usual.
Wednesday the 19th came with still no action, & I am officially 1 day overdue.
So I decided to go to the klinik kesihatan because I missed my check up on Monday.
Didn't tell the nurse about the bloody show lol,
But the baby's heartbeat is normal,
& I'm fine so she just wrote me a letter to 'check in' at the hospital by the 25th if nothing happens.
The mucus plug continued to come out & honestly I was getting worried so I made an appointment with Dr Ida.
She did an ultrasound & everything was ok,
Baby was about 2.8kg, heartbeat normal & my amniotic fluid was sufficient.
So I requested for a VE (yes I asked her to stick her finger up my hoohaa), just to find out exactly what's going on down there & also I kinda figured messing around in there would trigger something.
She told me I'm not dilated at all, but my cervix was soft & the baby's head is a bit low.
She also told me if I were to be induced on the 25th it would most likely be successful because my cervix is already soft.
That relaxed me a lot, & from there I went to the pasar malam in sungai penchala with my mum & kak gayah.
Everything was fine & boring that night & as usual Hilwa refused to go to sleep early,
I even have an email that I sent to Ikhwan telling him Hilwa's hyper & she even jumped on my stomach (she does that a lot through out my pregnancy) & I'm tired,
At 2am I wrestled her down & forced her to breastfeed to get her to sleep,
& every time I breastfeed her that week I'd get like stomach cramps & back ache, which is normal cause nipple stimulation can trigger labour,
So that night I felt that & thought nothing of it, especially after wrestling her & straight away feeding her,
But the cramps just kept coming.
Then Ikhwan got home & I broke free from Hilwa to have supper with him & realized the cramps really were contractions,
It was really strong but not regular.
I got into bed & decided to time the contractions at 3am for 1 hour,
They were between 8-10 mins apart,
But each contraction was 90 seconds long.
After a while of lying down I tried squatting beside the bed in between contractions then during one I'd kneel with my upper body resting on the bed,
It was slightly more bearable than breathing through one while lying flat on my back.
At 4am I decided to stop timing & catch some sleep,
& I did drift off to sleep in between contractions, but I also did notice they were about 5 mins apart according to the clock on my wall.
Since it was already almost 5 am I decided to just wait for subuh.
At around 5.05 I got one strong contraction that came with the urge to poo,
But I was still mamai & confused so I waited for the next one, same thing.
Then I started panicking, & woke Ikhwan up to get ready.
He went for a shower & I started to put in the final things into my hospital bag.
The contractions were getting stronger & the uncontrollable pushing started,
I knocked on my mum's room to tell her we're going to the hospital then I couldn't take it anymore,
I had to lie down & I was thinking 'shit, I'm gonna give birth right here'.
Ikhwan came in & I told him call the ambulance coz I might very well give birth in the car if we go now.
He went to my mum, who rushed in & forced me up & somehow I managed to change through a contraction, carry some stuff down the stairs & even grab my pillow from the living room,
& Ikhwan surprised me by remembering which slippers I wanted to wear to the hospital,
But of all things we forgot a towel for me to sit on,
Because somewhere along the way as Ikhwan was speeding I don't know how fast,
& as I was clutching on to Hilwa's car seat unable to resist pushing every time a contraction came,
My water broke.
Thank god amniotic fluid is odorless lol.
To add to the drama, waze was being funny which made Ikhwan miss a turning,
& I heard it alright, it said keep left then keep right when he should be making a left turn.
So we got another 3km added to our journey,
By which time I started panting in the car (don't ask me how I remembered reading somewhere to pant if you want to keep yourself from pushing) because the baby was coming fast, I swear to god his head was in between my legs.
Finally we got to the hospital & I told Ikhwan to drop me at emergency because there's no way in hell I'd be able to walk the distance at the entrance to the labour room.
He put me onto a wheelchair then got stopped by the (infamous) security guard telling us to go to the labour room entrance,
I told her I can't walk that far, that the baby was between my legs,
& bless her soul she volunteered to push me to the labour room while Ikhwan parks.
I hope I thanked her though for the life of me I can't remember if I did.
The journey couldn't feel longer,
I was still panting & my mouth was bone dry.
We entered the labour room & each nurse I saw looked tired & annoyed,
& they all asked me 'apa hal ni?'.
Told them the baby's crowning,
They probably thought it was all drama & just told me to go get checked in that side room,
Same tiredness, annoyance & questions greeted me inside,
& one nurse told me to bare all so she could do a VE,
All she did was place her palm between my legs & she started screaming.
'Fully! Patient fully!' while pushing my wheelchair as fast as possible,
'Which labour room? Patient fully!' I registered the look of confusion & shock on one nurse standing behind a counter.
She never gave an answer & the nurse pushing me just wheeled me into a labour room on my left.
Suddenly so many people were there,
But they told me to put my legs down & answer questions first because I stupidly left my pink book in the bag which was with Ikhwan who is parking the car.
Thank god I gave birth to Hilwa at the same hospital so I just gave them my ic no.
It was probably around 10 minutes of questions & them getting things ready like changing me into the white gown & stuff before they allowed me to push,
By which time Ikhwan has arrived thank god.
It took a lot of pushes,
Most of the pushes didn't even trigger the right poo-ing sensation,
I don't know if it's because I wasn't contracting or what,
By that time I couldn't feel much, just relief that I made it to the hospital.
Finally he shot out all at once, thank god, because I don't think I could push even one more time to get his shoulders out.
Ikhwan told me it's a boy & kissed me on my forehead (awwww),
The midwife told us to selawat as she cut the cord (& she was Indian but she told us to selawat bless her) & held him up with his legs apart so I can call out his gender,
Then placed him for skin to skin on my chest.
I got the placenta jab, then she went about getting it out along with some darah beku I think, she told me something but I forgot.
Then they took the baby to be weighed & cleaned while I got stitched up.
& that was it.
4.5 hours of labour, though I'm sure it could have been even shorter if I decided to go to the hospital the moment I felt the contractions (but honestly after the experience with Hilwa I wasn't gonna make the mistake of arriving too early again lulz).
I tore badly, I guess from the blind pushing I was doing.
But compared to such a short labour, water bag breaking naturally, only 1 VE & even that I requested to be done, not being hooked up to the bloody ctg machine & no painkillers,
I have no complaints.

Homesick-y

It's been a week since I delivered.
& boy is that a story to be shared.
But tonight I don't want to talk about it yet.
Instead I want to talk about muse.
Yes, muse. The band.
Facebook suddenly decided tonight that I needed to see a conversation between an old muse friend of mine & a friend of hers.
He said something so simple like "New born. This is muse".
& it struck something within me.
I miss muse.
The new born muse.
Not the current cheap, acah futuristic with brainless lyrics muse.
I'm not even sad anymore about missing the concert.
I just have this really homesick-y feeling in the pit of my stomach,
& the need to listen to all of their albums up to resistance.
& pretend anything beyond that doesn't exist.
Haihh Matt, why did you have to go all Hollywood & ruin such a good thing?

Failure.

I just realized I'm kinda failing bad at motherhood.
I remember pre-marriage & Hilwa I would look up so much to mothers who could calm their fussy babies & put them to sleep.
Well now I do it daily, a few times daily.
But it's not a skill.
It's just them bubis.
& me lying down next to her, most of the time impatiently, playing candy crush to pass the time.
& I failed so bad at weaning her off & teaching her to go to sleep herself lol.
She's 1 year 10 months old today,
Still dependant on my two girls to go to sleep,
Still wakes up every few hours at night just for some comfort suckling,
& I'm supposed to start newborn feeding like really soon.
I'm screwed.
Oh & another thing I'm still failing at is to go into labour sheesh.

The waiting game.

Updating my "checklist".
- I can no longer fit my wedding ring. Well, can la tapi ketat acah2 takle bukak balik so it has been stowed away for now.
- dah experience terjaga tidur sbb kaki cram. Maybe twice in the last few days? So compared to Hilwa this one started pretty late & I hope I don't endure too much of it.
- dah start solat duduk since yesterday (38w6d). Ingatkan boleh go all through pregnancy but then I realized this last few weeks dah tak larat sebenarnya but I'm forcing myself due to ego. Sampai tahap dreading solat, which doesn't make sense anymore.
- heartburn slowed down kejap haritu but since Saturday it came back with a vengeance omg now it's like constant heartburn sakit gilaaaaa
- this time takde sakit pelvis (so far) sampai rasa macam nak patah kaki bila jalan, but I feel like my vajayjay is holding up an effing bowling ball (which is betul la kan kepala dia dok rest kat situ kot). Good thing it goes away when I lie down, but when the pain comes it's enough to make me consider an emergency csec lol.

It's already Wednesday so officially 39w1d.
This time during Hilwa I was getting ready to go to the hospital for the 3rd time,
& I'll soon be admitted but won't give birth for another 30 hours.
I'm terms of level of excitement, yes I definitely won't mind going into labour right now,
But let's hope it doesn't take as long huhuuu.

Comparisons.

I just reread my blog posts leading up to Hilwa's delivery.
So much drama lol.
Orang tanya due date & gender pun sentap bahaha!
But I guess it's different this time around because I don't meet that many people.
Heck, I only go out with lin.
So compared to back then when I meet so many people at the office everyday,
Touching my bump & asking the same questions, yes it's super annoying.
& not to mention being in the same clothes for hours on end really made matters worse.
I used to come back after work & scratch the hell out of every inch of my skin.
So during Hilwa I got a lot of stretch marks.
& they're still there, mind you.
Nowadays I pretty much bathe every time I need to solat.
So that's like 5 baths a day,
& sometimes up to 3 changes of clothes.
Because why go through the torture?
Rimas? Go commando under kaftan.
As a result ikhwan puji-ed me kali ni kulit you takde stretch marks merah2 macam dulu. Teehee.
The bone shattering pelvis & back pains pun takde kali ni.
I can still pretty much lie & sleep on my back,
Though kalau depan tv directly on the carpet mmg akan sakit la.
But it hasn't interrupted my sleep. Yet.
I'm already halfway through week 37 so even if it suddenly starts, 2.5 weeks is not so bad.
I think my insomnia during Hilwa started like 5 weeks or more before I delivered.
Could be due to the stress at work,
Mengadap pc nonstop for at least 10 hours daily,
Thinking of the recs problems & ways to solve.
These days the only solution I need to come up with is how to maximise number of clothes on the penyidai lol.
My bump feels pretty small too.
I remember feeling super huge & heavy last time,
This time I do get the occasional omg-I'm-a-whale moments but most of the time I'm fine.
Just as long as baby is not pressing on my bladder,
Which seems to be its favorite past time now.
I've got a scan tomorrow,
We'll see if it has grew.
3 weeks ago it was a bit small for a 35-weeker, I guess because I was fasting.
So yeah..
The only thing consistent with last pregnancy is the heartburn.
Terrible, terrible heartburn.
Which seals the deal, I ain't getting pregnant for a third time lol!
Now let's hope this post don't jinx me for these last couple of weeks.

So done with this pregnancyyy

Raya dah.
Balik kampung kenduri kak ima dah.
Potong rambut dah.
Packing emergency bag utk aku, Ikhwan & Hilwa dah.
Everyday is sort of like a cross off of my checklist.
I'm beginning to feel impatient.
Bukak instagram ke tab kanta besar tu pastu belek orang upload gambar newborn.
Bukan tak sabar nak jadi mother of two,
More of like dah penat heartburn & menunggu dgn bayangan pelbagai scenario dalam kepala lol.
Paling aku risau is nak tinggal Hilwa the (hopefully only) one night that I have to spend in the hospital.
During the day asal ada tab & botol dia she's fine,
Tapi malam dia still carik bubis untuk tidur & also in her sleep.
Kesian whoever yg kena jaga dia nanti, confirm kena berdodoi berejam.
Especially kalau in laws yg kena jaga dia,
Ye ye je haritu planning nak train dia sleepover sana bagai,
Kelaut.
In the hypnobirthing book ada dia sebut I have to deal with any sort of fear or issues that worries me.
Sebab kerisauan ni mungkin akan surface during labour & kacau concentration nanti.
Right now Hilwa is my biggest worry & I don't know how to deal with it other than redah je bila dah jadi.
I tell you, us stay at home moms sembang je lebih,
Menyampah dgn anak la, nak rebus buat sup la,
Last2 sebenarnya kitorang yg lagi clingy compared to the child lol.
According to my pregnancy app there's 19 days left to my due date.
It feels like aaaaages.
I hope this impatience is a sign that labour is happening sooner rather than later huu.

36w2d

I don't know if it means anything,
But I'm super restless tonight.
I'm obsessing over things I should pack in my emergency bag,
Which I haven't even started even though my nurse told me to do it like weeks ago.
Not to mention I also need to pack a bag for Hilwa because she will most likely be sent to my in laws when I'm in labour.
It's not helping that I haven't done my packing for balik kampung as well.
I've gone as far as putting my things & Hilwa's in a bakul but that's it.
Ikhwan hasn't picked out his stuff so if I start putting anything into a bag I know I'll only end up taking it back out to rearrange once his stuff gets added to the pile.
So that's one whole big bag of balik kampung stuff for 3 people,
Plus one emergency bag for me & baby in case I go into labour on the highway lol,
& a carry on in the car for Hilwa's milk stuff & snacks for the journey.
Yes packing stresses me out.
Oh & I also need to adjust to new spects because my old one decided to fail me of all times, right before a balik kampung trip & just weeks before I give birth.
So now I have new spects using my old power for the lenses,
I hope after I give birth & recheck my eyesight I don't need to get new lenses pulak.
Sheesh.
& let's hope all this stress & worry doesn't send me to labour lol

Thoughts on this stupid movement.

You know,
It's actually not a bad idea to get familiar with this whole anti vax thing,
So that we know who exactly to avoid,
Or the kind of crowds to avoid,
Places, countries, things like that, to avoid.
I'm growing so paranoid.
I'm delivering soon & what happens to this baby in the next 1.5 years of its life until it completes all vaccinations is pretty much out of my control.
The only comfort I can offer myself is at least by wearing the baby I limit physical contact with people & especially strangers.
Yes, I'm talking about babywearing again, sue me.
But oh god if it were up to my paranoid self we'd stay indoors our whole life.
I think I find posts about pertussis/whooping cough like daily on my newsfeed now.
It's not even funny.

GDM what?

I remember thinking I was doomed from the start.
When I found out I am pregnant for the second time,
The thought of GDM bothered me more than the fact that I was going to have another human being to be responsible for.
I started reading about pregnancies after GDM,
Surprisingly there aren't many published & official info on it, mostly talks about the first pregnancy,
So I relied on people's experiences.
I started watching what I eat,
Going for walks with Hilwa,
I made sure I lost the unnecessary weight I had put on the few months before I got pregnant,
But nothing was ever guaranteed.
Honestly I felt like it was a silly hope,
Going through this pregnancy without gdm.
But hah!
I passed my second mgtt with flying colors!
Oh god no bsp this time around,
No "you have to give birth by 40 weeks or we'll induce you" scare,
No repeat mgtt after birth too I suppose.
I'm so so relieved I can't even sleep,
& I've only had about 1 half hours of it all night.
I can't wait for buka now & eat whatever the heck I fancy lol!
& raya too!

Lunacy.

The thing about this whole situation is,
I can't even put it into words.
I'm so heavy now I'm exhausted even not doing anything.
When I fall asleep, I sleep like a log.
Been waking up at 2, 3 pm daily, no kidding.
As a result Hilwa tends to sleep a lot during the day too.
She'll wake up around 10, play & demand for her bread for an hour or two,
But she'll have to really fight hard for attention because I'm like feeding her the bread eyes closed like seriously.
So most of the time it'll seem like she gave up trying & just ask for her bottle & will be knocked out cold til I get off the bed to go bathe.
Sometimes she'll nap again at 5 or 6.
Then she'll stay up until papa comes home.
& papa has been coming home way past 3 am since going back to work after core leave.
To cope, both with having to tolerate Hilwa's annoying antics at night & the long hours of waiting for papa to come home,
I've been scrolling through fsot because I can only refresh instagram & Facebook so much in a day right.
So what I'm trying to say here is,
I desperately need a rebung.
An emerald rebung, but that's near impossible coz I don't think I've seen a single one listed in both fsots I'm in in the last 2 month or maybe more.
Ok before we go any further I'd just like to list down the things I've read on various people's review of the rebung.
It's light & airy,
It's newbie friendly, forgiving & easy to wrap with,
It can serve from a newborn to a toddler.
These are the most often that I come across so it's justified kan?
The fact that it comes in my colours seals the deal.
So I might, miiiight just join bebe sachi love & international fsots soon because right now I'm feeling desperate lol.
So if I end up spending a ridiculous amount of money on an emerald rebung,
The blame is entirely on papa coming home late,
Hilwa staying up late,
& my being pregnant.
The last reason also applies in case I end up with an Indio, a handwoven, ring slings (yes plural) & god knows what else in the next 2 months.
Because #tryallthewraps mah.

More pregnancy talk.

Ever since the whole 3rd trimester thing,
I've been forced to realise there's only a little over 2 months of this pregnancy left.
A little over 2 months to have 100% of Hilwa without distractions,
A little over 2 months to wash tiny clothes & reorganize the room,
A little over 2 months of peace, maybe.
Miraculously Hilwa has started drinking from the bottle sometime last week.
She still needs them bubis to fall asleep though, but baby steps.
I've had moments of panic picturing myself in the ward in the dead of the night, new baby in hand but longing for Hilwa.
The dengue episode still too fresh in my mind.
Remember I once wrote of how my heart doesn't yet know or have space to love a third person?
Well this heart is freaking out about having only a little over 2 months to learn.
A little over 2 months to get closer to Allah & pray for a smooth delivery & a healthy baby.
In this sense I can't wait for ramadhan.
What brought all these emotions anyways?
Well, I've just been through Hilwa's old clothes again & picking out those I need to wash for new baby,
& also making notes of any items that needs to be purchased.
& of course, the whole muse fiasco lol.
You see, there's gonna be a concert in Singapore on 26th September.
It's right on the dot at the end of my confinement,
If I give birth on August 12th that is lol.
It's not so much seeing them live,
I've seen them live.
& I haven't enjoyed their previous album, & it looks like I won't be enjoying their upcoming one either.
But it's just the thought of a roadtrip with my best friend (probably the last before she gets married T.T),
& just to be young while I'm young you know?
I have a passport waiting to be used,
I want to go see a good band play live.
It's just really not advisable for a 1 month old baby to tag along lol.
Oh well, I'm just going to ikea realisation this issue & leave it up to fate.
If it's meant to be then it shall be.
I better go enjoy these last 2 months of being a mother of one.
God knows what kind of schedule the new one is going to arrive with.
Hilwa was such an easy baby, especially sleep wise that I have a feeling I'm not going to get off that easily this time.
Lulz.

Sydney : The Journey back

Bangun pukul 6.15 kalau tak silap sambil menari2 tahan kencing sebab toilet occupied.
Oh god the coldness of the morning is seriously not funny.
Mandi & siap dgn cepat then kejut ikhwan bangun.
Dia habis mandi dia settlekan Hilwa while aku pick up last minute stuff around the house.
Temperature Hilwa still ok tapi dia clingy.
But then again previous mornings pun dia camtu, lepas mandi nak orang peluk2 takle letak, sejuk kot.
Dalam 7.35 kitorang gerak turun bawah,
Cab still tak sampai, no calls even.
7.40 wan call cab company & bising2,
Aku pun tak sure apa berlaku exactly but after the call (which was a rather long conversation) maybe dalam 7.50 cab sampai.
Before tu sempat jugak la bergambar dalam kesejukan & said our goodbyes to wan.
In the cab Hilwa takyah duduk car seat but she has to sit on her own & pakai seatbelt.
Alhamdulillah dia ok.
The journey to the airport pun tak lama, dalam 10-15 minit.
Sampai airport kitorang terus check in bag.
Again, beg overweight, 20.7 kg,
Tapi minah tu kasi lepas yeayy!
Itu pun aku dah tumpang some stuff dalam beg kain yg aku bawak dari Malaysia, check in dgn bag lin.
Since it was still early, prolly around 8.30 at that time,
Kitorang jalan slow2 & carik breakfast.
Jumpa kedai Thai halal tapi masa tu cuma ada breakfast sets so order je la.
Sambil tunggu makanan sampai keluar la lauk2, nasi goreng & mee goreng dari kitchen.
Aduh pandang sepi je la.
Ikhwan & Hilwa both taknak makan so aku je la balun sorang2.
Dalam 9.15 start jalan slow2 to customs & stuff.
Orang ramai tapi line moving fast.
Lepas dah check passport, ada mamat tarik aku ketepi utk lalu express lane utk scan handcarry sbb bawak baby.
So aku mintak tunggu ikhwan & lin, dan settle la kitorang berempat dgn expressnya.
Alhamdulillah lagi.
Since we had about 1 hour before boarding, kitorang pun jalan slow2 balik.
Aku dok carik pharmacy utk beli this ointment called Lucas papaw cream or something like that.
Dari the night before bibir aku dah pecah merekah baik punya & all 3 of us muka dah kering & kulit starting to peel off.
& since Hilwa demam, bibir dia pun dah kering aku takut merekah atas flight nanti.
That ointment really saved our lives on the flight.
Aku rasa setiap jam aku apply & even bila dah sampai rumah for the next few days.
Whatever luka merekah2 kat muka & tgn aku baik cepat gila.
& it can also be used for nappy rash so I think I'm gonna kirim a few tubes from wan before deliver nanti.
Anyways, bila dah sampai kat boarding gate kitorang take turns pergi toilet sampai puas, isi air semua siap2,
Then tunggu sampai orang dah lengang baru masuk plane sbb mls nak melanguk kat seat lama2.
We got the 2 inner seats tepi tingkap & aisle seat ada sorang Chinese pakcik duduk.
But tak kisah la kan, just strap up with Hilwa on ikhwan's lap.
Tetibe datang sorang steward tanya are we travelling the 3 of us with baby?
Yes.
Would you like 3 empty seats to yourselves?
Of course!
Dia bawak kitorang ke depan sikit ada byk row kosong.
Alhamdulillah lagi dan lagi!
Dgn pantas kitorang pindahkan hand luggage & all.
10.40 am plane start gerak, tapi there was a long queue so dalam 11.05 baru kitorang take off.
Hilwa was already asleep,
Dapat la dia dalam 2 jam baring atas seat kosong tu.
Masa dia bgn tu mmg dorang dok serve makan so ikhwan took his meal of nasi ayam & Hilwa makan byk.
Then I noticed her temperature dah naik balik, 39.9, so masukkan ubat bontot lagi sekali.
Aku londehkan seluar dia & tukar long sleeve to a short sleeve.
Dia dok relax tgk tab & slowly her temperature went back down.
It was an uneventful flight,
Mostly aku dok melayan Hilwa,
Ada time ikhwan layan dia & aku lelap maybe about an hour.
Bawak dia gi duduk dgn lin kejap,
Then aku lapar so asked for my nasi lemak.
Again, Hilwa makan byk.
Thank god her appetite was there & dia nak minum air byk.
One of my trips to the toilet aku perasan kaki aku dah penuh dgn rashes.
I know abah used to get it kalau dia pergi tempat sejuk dulu,
So I truly am his daughter la.
But I ignored it sbb kalau tak memang aku mental dalam flight tu.
Mana nak mandi tukar baju semua,
Hadap je la seluar jeans dan toilet sempit.
About 2 hours before landing start turbulence but it wasn't terrible.
But it felt sooo long, like I'm so over the flight,
Aku rasa mcm hidung dah kering kontang dok sedut circulated air,
Mana tu aku ckp kat ikhwan, no there's no way we're taking the babies to London next year bahahah..
We landed at 6 pm,
Dekat tempat collect luggage ada surau so jamak zohor & asar.
By the time sampai luar dah dekat maghrib so carik surau & jamak lagi.
Hilwa's temperature naik balik so kitorang carik baby room & mandikan dia.
That's when we noticed cup holder kat stroller hilang.
I blame it fully on Malaysian airports handling.
Haritu Kat Sydney elok je stroller arrived in one piece.
Then dinner kat this Japanese ramen shop.
Hilwa dapat chawan mushi dia.
& that's the end of her fever, thank god.
Lyas picked us up & sent us home, bless him.
Dalam kereta kitorang 3 mmg kiok,
Macam kasi chance orang depan merendek la lulz.
We got home at 10 kot & went straight to sleep.
No time to go all omg we're home, the trip's over.
I was just dead tired hahah!

3rd trimester.

Ok let's take a break from all this Sydney talk.
According to the pregnancy app on my phone, I'm already in my 3rd trimester.
Wow, that was fast.
The only preparation I've done so far is to go through Hilwa's old clothes & sort out the ones new baby can wear.
Kesian baby no. 2.
The only things I plan to buy are a new car seat for Hilwa & pampers.
Oh & new drawers, which until that gets sorted out I can't start washing the clothes & etc.
Maybe we should do that this Monday.
I keep on thinking there's plenty of time,
But really I wouldn't wanna spend ramadhan & my last (uncertain) four weeks of pregnancy in a cleaning frenzy.
Not to mention by then I predict the nesting urge will be in full swing so I'll probably be shifting furnitures at midnight & whatnot lol.
Another thing I just realized last night is I most probably don't even have milk anymore.
So Hilwa's suckling is most probably out of pure habit.
Shit.
I've always thought she just wants my milk but I guess I'm her pacifier now.
But the thought of introducing a pacifier to wean her off me is so urgh.
Can't she just learn to fall asleep on her own?
Lol I've got 3 months to figure it out.
Sounds like plenty of time don't it?
3 months til I become a mother of 2.
Now that's scary.

Sydney : Day 5 Thurs 7th May

Harini plannya untuk pusing city je,
Settlekan souvenirs & shopping apa2 barang yang teringin dari Malaysia lagi.
As usual bila nak Hilwa bgn awal, sungguh2 dia tidur.
Finally keluar rumah dalam 8.45.
Tapi bas yang sampai is not wheelchair friendly so tunggu following bus.
Ada dalam 7 minit kena tunggu.
Nasib baik la sana public transport on time.
Sungguh2 bus driver tu mintak maaf kat kitorang mcm salah dia bas dia tak wheelchair friendly.
Sampai kat city dalam keadaan Hilwa mengamuk lapar.
Dah alang2 bus stop yg kitorang turun tu tepi park, singgah la skejap kasi Hilwa makan.
Burung pun dok mai penuh keliling kitorang, syok la Hilwa.
Dia lari kejar burung sampai jatuh calar lutut.
Mmm sedap first experience.
Nasib baik pakai jeans, takde la berdarah.
Then gerak ke paddy's market.
Ngam2 sampai tempat tu baru bukak.
Borong t-shirt & some knick knacks,
Syok berjalan dalam tu tgk benda merepek,
Tapi settle je souvenirs semua aku ajak dorang gerak cepat2 sbb satgi mmg habis duit aku beli sabun ke, alas meja ke, ugg boots pun ada.
Luar paddy's ada light train station, terus naik ke fish market pulak.
Lunch was seafood platter for 2 yang byk gila share 3 orang pun kenyang.
First masuk market tu belah kanan ada kedai yg nampak menarik, agak murah & tak ramai orang.
Tapi bila pergi order waitress tu cakap dorang pakai beer batter.
Terharu ok dia yang tolong jaga makan minum kitorang as Muslim.
Kalau ikutkan apa dia kisah kan, janji ada sales.
So we said thank you & pergi kedai lain.
Another kedai ni penuh gila dgn orang & deal dia not bad la.
Aku tanya waitress tu ada alcohol tak in their batter,
Dia kata tak.
Do I took her word for it & kitorang makan sana.
Nasib baik dpt meja,
Tapi kena makan laju2 sebab orang dok tunggu keliling.
Masa jalan2 around the market aku dok geram tgk fresh oyster tapi it's sold by the dozen.
Kang kalau x lalu bazir plak kan.
Sekali kat luar tu ada mamat bukak gerai jual oyster sekor2.
$2 each, so aku & ikhwan try one each.
It's actually not bad,
Aku rasa aku boleh layan la.
Bila pikir balik skrg ni mcm kecur plak air liur lulz.
Next kitorang jalan slow2 masuk city.
Otw tu jumpa coles so singgah borong chocolates & beli groceries untuk masak malam kang.
Found a good deal for pods, mmg aku borong sampai lebam.
$3 for a small pack, the cheapest aku jumpa before that was $4.50.
Mental jap.
Tapi since malam tu nak buat ayam percik, ingredients exoticnya bapak mahal.
Serai sebatang $3 hahaha salut emas kot.
Then continue jalan, lalu atas pyrmont bridge, destinasi QVB carik lush.
Dapat la bath bomb seketul, ingat nak beli face wash jugak tapi sampai sana mcm malas.
Opposite lush tu ada small coffee shop, nutella mocha dia ermagerd pengsan.
Skrg kalau ikhwan beli mocha kat sini aku mcm, puii takdap.
Bahahaha!
Next westfield across the road from QVB, carik mrs fields ada member aku kirim.
Settle semua tu dalam 2.50,
Awal lagi nak balik so kitorang jalan ke Hyde park main2 atas rumput, ambik gambar dsb.
It was such a beautiful day, langit sebiru-birunya.
Mat salleh semua dok baring atas rumput in the sun.
Dalam kul 4 camtu gerak balik rumah.
Sampai rumah, solat, aku keluar balik dgn lin pergi Woolworths pulak,
Jalan kaki je, dekat dgn rumah wan.
Lupa langsung nak carik honey untuk kakak aku kat coles tadi.
Between rumah wan & Woolworths tu ada a few parks cantik, such a nice neighborhood.
Sayang tak sempat bawak Hilwa main.
By the time sampai rumah dah almost gelap, tapi baru kul 5 lebih.
Cooked dinner, ngam2 ayam masak wan pun sampai rumah dalam 6.30.
Semua makan kenyang2 then siap nak keluar balik for one last crepe session.
Hilwa mengantuk so aku bawak dia dalam Tula je.
Since masa dinner ikhwan makan sampai bertambah, dia tak order the garlic prawn gallette yang dia dok mengidam sgt tu.
He ordered the nutella crepe instead, so aku ambik salted caramel.
Sedap sampai pengsan lagi.
Then otw back kitorang tak dpt bas sbb bas penuh.
Dahla sejuk gila,
Aku dok risau Hilwa but she was fast asleep in the Tula.
Aku balut kaki dia dgn hood & sapu tgn ikhwan sbb sejuk sgt sambil jalan to the next bus stop,
Alhamdulillah dapat bas.
Sampai rumah 10 lebih, Hilwa continue tidur atas katil while aku mula packing apa yang boleh.
Esok pagi nak balik dah!
Dalam kul 2 tu aku perasan badan Hilwa panas sgt2.
Check dgn thermometer, 39.9!
Menggelabah masuk ubat bontot.
We as Asian parents dah biasa kalau baby demam, pakaikan baju nipis,
Anginkan dia, tuam dgn air.
But even without fan dalam bilik tu dah sejuk gila.
Nak bukak sweater dia aku kesian, apa lagi nak tuam bagai.
Honestly if we were actually living there I wouldn't know what to do.
Nasib baik la lepas masuk ubat bontot temperature dia terus turun & dia tidur lena.
Aku plak tidur kul 2.30 kot.
Itu pun terjaga dalam keadaan panic kul 3 lebih sbb rasa mcm dah tidur lama igtkan dah missed our taxi to the airport.
Haha restless gila that night.

Sydney : Day 4 Weds 6th May

Bangun awal gila, dalam 6.30.
Baru bukak baju & lilit towel dalam bilik dah menggigil.
Bila pijak lantai toilet toksah cite la, terkinja sejuk.
Sambil duduk bawah shower air panas pun dok menggigil lagi.
Pakai baju cepat2 then gerak2 keliling bilik kemas apa yang patut sambil kejut semua orang bangun dan siap.
By 7.45 kot semua dah ready, gerak ke bawah slow2.
Ikhwan dok layan Hilwa main around the common area while aku buat breakfast & bekal.
Roti sebuku tu tak makan pun the night before,
Tapi kat hostel tu ada vending machines yang jual tuna & crackers.
Jadila sandwich tuna, crackers pulak dapat kat Hilwa.
Lepak dekat fireplace sambil guna wifi untuk minit2 terakhir,
Then ngam 8.30 reception bukak.
Terus check out & pergi train station.
Patutnya train pukul 9.14,
Sempat lagi singgah beli mocha & pastry.
Sejuk2 ni layan pulak minum kopi pagi2.
Temperature memang below 10 degrees tapi angin tak kuat & matahari terik so jadi sedap2.
Tetibe train delay plak so dalam 9.45 jugak kot baru sampai.
Nasib naik turun bukit dia pergi laju sikit.
Turun kat blacktown station then naik bus ke featherdale wildlife park.
It's zoo time!
Sampai tu dah 12 lebih tapi we didn't have anything else planned for the day so lek je.
Lepas Hilwa kasi berjalan, seronok dia dok tgk burung dalam cage.
Then ambik gambar dengan koala,
Tapi takle dukung.
Dia pun dok tidur je atas pokok, dpt la usap sikit2.
Next kasi kangaroo makan.
Lama kitorang spend kat situ, make sure sampai puas.
Dpt selfie seround,
Hilwa pun relax je dok gagau kangaroo tu, risau je aku kalau kena ngap.
Then lepas sejam macam tu Hilwa dok lari sana sini, dia mintak susu & tidur.
Kitorang pun tak larat nak kejar dah.
Stop sekejap makan sandwich ala kadar then jalan santai2 habiskan zoo tu.
Kat belah belakang ada lagi tempat kangaroo boleh kasi makan tapi kangaroo dia besar lagi dari yang kat depan so diorang mcm aggressive sikit.
Aku usap2 sikit & ambik gambar je, coins dah habis nak beli makanan.
Dalam pukul 2 settle dah, gerak ke souvenir shop dia shopping lagi apa yang patut,
Then decide untuk solat siap2 kat ceruk luar kedai tu.
Cuak gak kang tetibe kena tembak sebab terrorist ke apa kan lulz,
Tapi ada minah salleh mai tanya ikhwan toilet kat mana masa aku tengah solat tu,
Alhamdulillah aku rasa mcm achievement sgt.
Dalam kul 3 kot naik bas balik ke blacktown then naik train ke city.
Kononnya nak gi lepak Hyde park tunggu wan habis kerja then balik rumah sesama,
Tapi kitorang kebulur so gi carik kedai kebab.
Order kebab set dpt fries byk gila & air satu, kitorang ambik air mineral je.
Then aku ambik pizza 1 slice,
Tu pun kenyang sampai tak habis kebab.
Habis makan tu dah maghrib,
Wan pun lambat lagi baru boleh balik so kitorang carik bus balik rumah dulu.
Malam tu dinner Simon buat chicken salad,
Sedap, tapi kenyang dah makan kebab.
Lepas dinner lepak je borak2.
Esok khamis last full day then Friday dah nak balik, sedih je.

Sydney : Day 3 Tues 5th May

Left the house at 9-ish am & got to central at around 9.45.
There's a train to Katoomba, Blue Mt at 10.18 so we decided to go to Woolworths across the road to stock up.
Omg rambang mata!
Banyak gila ready to eat salads & sandwiches.
Aku beli some prawn sandwich.
Bawak sepeket sambal ikan bilis mama so beli roti jugak sebuku.
Then terjumpa aisle chocolate, mental jap jumpa pods murah berbanding convenience store yang aku ada pergi malam ahad haritu.
Ada worker kat sana suruh kitorang self check out then siap tolong ajar sebab kitorang terkial2 lol.
Well you learn something new everyday.
Then sampai dalam station decided untuk top up opal card since semalam saja dah pakai $15 & ahad pun dah bayar airport fee of $13 tak termasuk tambang.
Ada machine auto buat sendiri jugak bayar pakai credit card.
Senang hidup.
Masuk train ada dalam 5 minit before train gerak so dapat pakai wifi station yang laju dan best.
Tapi sempat scroll instagram je.
The journey took about 2 hours lebih sikit.
Naik bukit so train dia bergerak dgn sopan,
& it stops every few minutes.
Permandangan cantik, memang aku tak tidur.
We took the top carriage (trains kat sana semua double decker),
Dari city ke kawasan suburbs ke bukit bukau with sprawling houses occasionally.
Pokok still mainly brown & red from Autumn.
Best.
Sampai katoomba 12 lebih, sejuuuuuk!
Terus keluarkan gloves masing2.
Jalan ke hostel untuk check in tapi tak dpt masuk sebab pintu kunci.
Lama gila tercegat kat luar dgn lagi satu couple, sampai last sekali ada staff dia dtg bukak pintu.
Rupanya pintu tu something wrong, tak patut kunci dari luar lulz.
Dah dapat bilik kitorang solat cepat2 then gerak ke scenic world.
Mulanya jalan kaki tapi sana bukit bukau, dgn angin kuat sampai melayang habis harta benda,
So try nasib lalu pekan carik bas.
Dan2 bas sampai, selamat.
Started with skyway across the blue mountains valley.
Sampai belah sana jalan2 kat path yang ada.
Angin lagi kuat sampai rasa mcm nak terbang.
Simpan stroller Hilwa celah2 tangga station skyway tu & bawak dia dalam tula je sbb kena naik turun tangga,
So dpt la dia nap dalam sejam kot.
Then patah balik naik skyway n turun dgn railway separuh jalan down the valley.
Ya Allah steep gila menggelampit aku jap.
From railway jalan ikut walkway ke bawah lagi,
Then naik cableway ke atas balik.
Sampai atas dah 4 something so beli2 sikit kat souvenir shop then tunggu bas balik town.
Sampai tu dah kebulur ya amat, jumpa kedai Indian food halal.
Order briyani kambing 1, butter chicken 1 & 4 roti naan.
Portion dia tak besar mana tapi kenyang makan 3 orang.
Hari dah makin gelap & sejuk, jalan balik hostel laju2.
Lepas mandi semua aku lepak kat common area hostel dgn lin,
Ada fireplace yang super best,
Siap naik atas panggil ikhwan & Hilwa turun warm up sikit.
Bulan penuh & bintang ada byk tapi sebab sejuk sgt tak sanggup nak lepak kat roof top lama2.
Duduk sat pun beku balik, kena patah balik ke fireplace hahaha..
By 11 lebih lepas kemas2 apa yang patut kitorang pun tidur.

Sydney : Day 2 Mon 4th May

Bangun lambat hahaha!
Masa planning dulu ye ye je nak keluar rumah pagi macam wan pergi kerja,
Sekali bangun dah 8 lebih.
Wan dok masak breakfast, dia cuti nak bawak kitorang jalan2.
So aku mandi then kerah semua orang siap jugak.
Lepas breakfast semua last2 keluar rumah dah dekat kul 10.
Gi Bondi.
Singgah Gertrude & Alice, kedai buku & cafe favorite wan.
Makan brownies & ice cream sedap gila,
Beli buku sikit then gi jalan2 Bondi beach.
Hilwa seronok kejar seagulls.
Then dia nampak pantai sibuk nak main pasir.
Tapi sejuuuuk dan windy sangat.
Tak paham macam mana mat salleh semua dok surfing bagai.
Duduk kat Bondi dalam sejam kot.
Ambik gambar, jalan2 sikit,
Then wan bawak gi the grounds,
Restaurant/cafe organic yang tanam produce diorang sendiri.
Ada babi sekor dia bela nama Kevin bacon hahaha..
Lunch kat sana makan tuna nicoise salad share dgn ikhwan,
Itu pun kenyang gila.
By then dah pukul 3 & Simon dah habis kerja so wan balik untuk masak dinner while kitorang gerak ke city.
Stop solat kat this convenience store opposite Grace hotel.
Ngam2 Hilwa pun melabur so tukar pampers dia siap2.
Then jalan ke darling harbour tengok sunset.
Dari sana naik ferry ke circular quay.
Lalu bawah Sydney harbour bridge & tepi Sydney opera house.
Ngam2 bulan penuh keluar.
What an experience.
Since dah gelap & sejuk kitorang pun carik bas untuk balik.
Sempat ber-explore race kejap berlari2 carik bus stop sebab kitorang dah nampak bas 343 tapi dia takkan suka2 stop tepi jalan ambik orang.
Alhamdulillah sempat.
Sampai rumah wan kul 7 lebih dekat kul 8 kot.
Dinner dah siap, wan masak butter chicken dengan nasik panas2.
Omg nikmatnya, Hilwa pun makan bertambah.
Lepas tu lepak2 borak2 sampai kul 10 wan & Simon masuk tidur sebab esoknya diorang kerja.
Aku & lin plak start kemas bag coz we're going to blue mountains tomorrow!

Sydney : Day 1 Sun 3rd May

Sampai airport kitorang gerak slow2.
Tunggu semua orang keluar kapal dulu baru kitorang Japan,
Gi toilet & tukar pampers Hilwa siap2 dulu,
Then beratur kat imigresen.
Lama la jugak beratur tu,
Tapi no problems.
Dah lepas tu luggage kitorang orang dah angkat letak tepi dah pun.
Then jalan to oversized luggage untuk ambik stroller.
Next kena scan bag sebab kitorang declare bawak makanan.
Tapi mamat yang jaga tu tak kata apa pun.
Dia suruh letak bag atas conveyor belt pastu dia borak dgn member dia.
Bag keluar the other side pun dia still tak pandang kitorang so kitorang angkat bag & chow cepat2.
Sepanjang proses ni aku dok try connect wifi tapi whatsapp taknak go through.
So sampai kat luar tu aku dah kelam kabut.
Last2 hantar msg kat lin guna tab Hilwa yg dah tinggal 15%.
Masa ni la sedar aku tertinggal cable tab tu kat rumah so tamatlah riwayatnya.
Nasib baik ada phone lama aku untuk entertainment Hilwa.
Kitorang jumpa lin n wan depan Gloria jeans,
Diorang ambik luggage & backpack satu bawak balik naik kete,
Kitorang lak gi carik opal card & naik train ke central.
Kat luar hujan rintik2 tapi takde angin sangat so sejuk2 best.
Dari central naik bas 343 plak ke rumah wan.
Sampai rumah wan 1 lebih.
Duduk borak2 sampai kat kul 3 pastu aku mandi & jamak takhir terus sebab dah asar.
Wan tapau nasik goreng & mee sup dari kedai Thai halal dekat rumah dia.
Sedap nak mampus, or maybe aku yg lapar haha..
Tak sempat habis makan kepala aku dah pusing sebab aku ngantuk sangat so aku bawak Hilwa masuk tidur.
Masa tu dah 3.55 kot, 
Kononnya nak bangun pukul 5 tapi sedar2 dah 6 lebih.
Kat luar dah gelap, dah isya dah pun masa tu.
So kitorang siap2 then gi dinner makan crepes kat pekan dekat rumah diorang.
Aku order nutella crepe share dgn Hilwa,
Ikhwan order garlic prawns galette (savoury crepes).
Sedaaaaap!
Balik tu kitorang decide untuk jalan kaki,
Lalu UNSW which is wan's uni dulu,
Sebab malam ahad & dah dekat kul 10,
Bas dah tak banyak so kitorang terpaksa menapak jauh dari expected.
But we came across a kedai pizza halal so sempat menapau haha..
Tetibe nampak 1 bas 343 dok relax tepi jalan.
Bila check app (they have an app untuk check schedule public transports, plan your routes & everything lengkap) rupanya bas tu tengah tunggu untuk lalu bus stop dekat situ on time.
We waited 7 minutes & true enough bus tu jalan.
Amazing.
Maka selamat la sampai rumah dalam 10.30.
Sepanjang kitorang dok jalan tu Hilwa lena punya nyenyak dalam stroller,
Siap selimut dia pun dia tak jaga.
But of course sampai rumah dia fresh so kena tunggu dia tidur sampai kul 1 lebih.
Nasib baik ada pizza sedap,
For $15 we got a large pizza dengan topping yg sangat generous.
Puas hati.

Sydney : The Journey to

We left the house at about 7.50pm,
Yaya & Apis hantar.
It was drizzling the whole way to the airport.
Sampai airport terus check in bag.
Kat luar tu diorang letak penimbang,
Ambik kau 20.9 kg.
Tapi hembus2 muka brader kat counter tu sambil suruh Hilwa buat comel2,
Alhamdulillah lepas.
Next was dinner.
Aku seriously dah tak rasa perut masa tu tapi orang lain lapar so makan je la.
Pusing sana sini last2 pergi Pappa Rich,
As usual menu Hilwa kuey teow sup dia tu share 3 orang.
Solat Isyak siap2, surau kat departure KLIA2 memang banyak & selesa & telekung tak kepam so best.
Kul 10 kot slow2 jalan masuk dalam.
Semua orang yang kita lalu dok tegur & cuit Hilwa so secara tak langsung jadi peramah haha.
Stop kat duty free tgk2 barang, tgk fish dengan penuh excited.
Jalan jauh jugak la nak sampai gate Q10.
Dah sampai tu letak barang semua tgk2 water cooler bapak jauh patahla balik ke gate Q3.
Insyaallah check up balik Malaysia nanti aku kurus bahaha.
11.20 pm mcm tu orang pun mostly dah masuk plane, kami masuk & settle down.
11.40 pm dorang tutup pintu kapal & Hilwa pun mintak bubis.
Terus settle tak dan take off pun.
Alhamdulillah dia tidur sampai next morning breakfast service dalam kul 8 Sydney time. 
Dpt la 6 jam tidur, occasionally mintak susu or tukar position.
Sampai terlentang conquer 2 seat aku kena duduk senget.
Janji dia tak melalak.
Aku pulak in flight sangat ok Alhamdulillah again.
Awal tu je la sebab hujan so lalu awan siap dgn guruh kilat,
Turbulence teruk luruh jugak jantung.
Tapi once sampai open sea I think it was smooth sailing.
Tak dpt tidur sebab awal tu dorang bukak lampu meal service semua.
Bila dah tutup lampu mcm risau Hilwa pulak, so pejam2 mata gitu je la.
Kul 6 lebih pagi baru nak rasa pedih2 mata tetibe nampak sunrise plak aiyoo terus segar.
Lepas tu dah cerah, dorang bukak lampu & meal service again.
Dalam 2 jam sebelum land aku terlelap jap sejam.
Kami dah breakfast kenyang2 makan nasik lemak air asia, egg sandwich & nestum utk Hilwa.
Dia duduk tgk tab kat kerusi kosong,
Tu yang aku dpt lelap.
Jadi la.
Masa nak touchdown Sydney pun duk hujan.
Descending through thick clouds punya lama nampak putih je luar window,
Tetibe dah nak sampai tanah.
Touchdown 10.05 am rasanya.
Ok cite sampai airport dalam post seterusnya.

Gifts.

Mama & abah has always led a moderate life.
Being a teacher, mama doesn't have the luxury of having a big salary, or getting huge raises & bonuses.
But she has always supported abah in whatever he wants to do,
From direct selling, to farming.
Even when they money is not great, sometimes even questionable.
Alhamdulillah they've never struggled.
Or they have but they never showed it.
I've always lived a comfortable life,
Cukup makan minum with the occasional treats,
But never anything ridiculously fancy.
& I think they've done very well in teaching us kids the value of money.
It's so heartwarming to see abah finally being able to shower mama with gifts as he pleases.
& mama finally learning to ask for things she wants.
I gotta freshen up & meet them downstairs,
Or more like meet their new phones teehee!

Fidgets.

Now, excuse me while I blabber away.
My best friend is leaving for Sydney tonight & I'm due to leave in 3 days.
I have to get my mind off of my suitcase which is almost packed except for my husbands socks & underthings which he demands to choose himself.
You know what is the most difficult thing about being a housewife?
To me at least, it's justifying the amount of work I've done in a day.
Today I have cooked both for the adults & baby,
Did laundry (haven't folded though. Baby woke up waaaay earlier from her nap grrr),
& well not much else.
I could list the petty stuff like bathing baby, feeding her, doing the dishes but those are like common sense.
I feel pretty good doing nothing right now actually.
I've turned useless individual items, including raw chicken which is definitely not edible, into quite a delicious meal.
I call myself accomplished for the day.
& everyday for that matter!
To end this,
I am in no way feeling insecure about being a housewife,
& I proudly announce I've been cooking regularly these past few weeks so this is not a 'look I cooked today' post.
I'm just.. fidgety.
Sydney in 3 weeks.
Eek.

Thank you, John.

Who I Was in High School: https://youtu.be/CWSZxZK6v_c

He blows my mind.
As usual.

Game plan.

I just read two very powerful things back to back.
The first is a story of a vaginally birthed breech baby,
But what moved me was this one line she said about tandem nursing her two kids,
With the elder being only 22 months old, which is how old Hilwa will be at my due date.
I just suddenly realized I want that,
But there's no way in hell that'll be possible if I birth in selayang.
Unless, of course, if I manage to avoid gdm entirely this time,
& give birth reeeeally early in the morning with baby pooping immediately & no other problems,
Then they wouldn't keep me through the night hopefully.
Yes, that's the game plan.
& the other is Caroline's latest post on Oscar filling up her room with flowers,
Where she said everyone has that one person who teaches them how to be loved.
I know who mine is.
It took some wading through dangerous waters,
Which confirmed that they are just that,
Dangerous waters in my mind.
That's all.

Itching.

I think it's time to talk about what's really important in life.
Babywearing gears.
I finally sold the onya (my first ssc).
So now I'm left with the tula (which is magic for carrying Hilwa btw. I'm like halfway thru my pregnancy w a protruding bump but I swear I don't feel her weight).
& the fish wrap,
Which has already been washed, folded & kept in a Ziploc bag all proper for baby #2.
But of course I'm itching.
I've always wanted a nice wrap conversion ring sling.
But then I begin to think, maybe a nice newborn-friendly wrap would be more appropriate.
& then I'll go but what's newborn-friendly anyways?
The fish is silk blend, I don't think it gets any softer than that.
I've only ever tried 1 cotton pfau & found it kasar & too grippy for me,
But like I said it's the only comparison I have.
The only way, of course, is to ask on the fb forum.
But it means I have to speak in public!
*runs & hide*.
I'm in a weird mood, don't mind me.

The Sea

I'm still amazed by the powers of music.
The most powerful being the ability to transport you to a specific time in the past.
Delivering accurate feelings, thoughts, moods.
Malam ni terpanggil untuk dengar Corrine Bailey Rae's The Sea.
Music I used to listen to in the first few months of my first job.
The determination of getting married,
The uncertainty of it even happening,
But knowing for sure I want it in my future.
Knowing for sure it's ikhwan.
& then I understood why my heart called for this tonight.
Sebab despite pergi kerja mata panda pada 12 January 2012,
When ikhwan haven't even secured a job,
& we haven't even told his parents our plans,
I was already sure then.
I am definitely getting married in 2012.
Marriage needs some reminders sometimes.
I'm so glad I have music for that,
& Hilwa's kepala masam :)

Doula

My cat gave birth yesterday.
Again.
I've lost count how many times I've witnessed cat deliveries.
I've even assisted in one (she was the manja-est cat I ever had & was so restless so I actually sat beside her & rubbed her tummy. Actually felt the "loss of mass" & things shifting around when a kitten slid out of her. Best. Experience. Ever).
But after all this, I have never failed to be amazed by the fact that they do it all alone.
All by themselves.
At their own pace.
They don't need other cats guiding them & telling them what to do,
It all comes naturally to them.
& mind you, they deliver up to 6 kittens in one go.
Mine popped out 4 yesterday.
Yes it took her hours.
But whoever said twins (or more) have to be delivered within a few minutes?
During my last check up a lady at the next table was carrying twins,
& her nurse was briefing her on how they decide whether she will be delivering normally or through csec.
Every time the nurse mentioned "operate" she would draw in her breath & close her eyes.
I almost reached over to her to tell her to believe in herself, doa,
The power of mindset,
& ultimately the power of the Almighty.
Heck I would've given her a copy of hypnobirthing if I had one with me.
Remember the cats!
To them birthing two is kind of like a failure lol.
When my sister passed me the hypnobirthing book during my previous pregnancy,
She told me I'd be able to relate to the book more based on my fascination with cat births.
& true enough,
It was kind of like my guiding light,
The book helped me put things into perspective.
Females are made to bear children,
To give birth.
So why would Allah make humans any less capable than animals?
Thank you, Batman (yes, my female cat's name is Batman),
For reminding me to just let nature do its job.
By the way, she's already out & about today,
Totally healthy.
& that's another topic I always find ridiculous.
Pantang.
But that's for another day I guess.

Such is life.

What is married life?
It's when you're so desperate for a tissue to wipe your own snot off your hands,
That you are fine with accepting a used tissue from your husband who just finished blowing his own nose.
& let me assure you, the tissue was damp.

Earning smart.

I know my dad means well.
He wants me to be financially independent,
Every parent wants that for their children.
& he does it so subtly, never in a nagging way.
More of the "here, I'm giving you this idea. Use it".
& I do want to use it, they're good.
But I don't want to sound all cocky on Facebook ala those MLM people everyone hates.
Look at me sitting at home leisurely rolling around with my daughter til my muscles pull,
But at the end of the month I'm going to freakin Sydney.
It's the reality though, isn't it?
& usually it's these freakishly annoying statuses that gets the attention,
Well, mine at least.
I just don't know how other people will react to it.
So I guess I'll start here.
Anyone wants to know how I manage to stay at home with my daughter but still get to pay for my own Sydney trip?
I promise all you have to do is just continue using your phone like you normally do.
Leave a comment :)

Boredom.

I just realised the kalutness that I feel at night is just my brain wanting to divert its attention from missing my husband.
Not knowing exactly what time he'll come home every night & not being able to communicate freely with him is not bad enough to call stressful,
But it bothers me, especially when I'm bored.
Like right now for example.
Baby has started to kick, has been doing so since around 15 or 16 weeks (which is 3 or 4 weeks now).
It's getting more noticeable & frequent, but I still can't feel the kicks from outside my tummy.
It's basically just like my stomach is twitching & jumping on its own.
Which is kinda annoying coz I can't share it with anyone yet.
& I've been itching to look up names but I don't want to do it confidently thinking its one gender then finding out from the scan it's the other.
Hopefully we'll be able to find out this Saturday.
Til then I don't even want to think about gender, yes I'm THAT touchy on the subject lol.
I wish I have more exciting things to talk about.
I really do.
But my days have been filled by feeding Hilwa & washing her bum.
Her appetite is scaring me right now.
If her bmi doesn't improve at her upcoming check up then I'm just going to give up & say the scale at the clinic is broken.
There's no way she's underweight when she eats nonstop throughout the day.
& I have to feed her! Nonstop!
If anything it's making me eat more,
& if I get gdm again for gaining weight too fast too soon, the blame's on you girl.