Countdown.

Counting down weeks.
Hari-hari hati tak tenang.
Makin dekat masa,
Makin fragile rasa nyawa.
Makin bergetar rasa jiwa.
Sekarang baru rasa betapa setiap saat tu milik Allah.
Kalau dipikir apa yang boleh jadi,
Jadi gila.
Moga-moga nanti tercapailah matlamat bernikah.
Jumpa ketenangan.
Amin.

Stored data.

Malam ni, of all things, nostalgic pasal MINC.
bukak balik gambar bukak puasa merangkap birthday encik akbar,
lebih kurang lengkap jugak lah gambar dalam tu,
semua ada.
paling rindu kat ecah and uncle.
sorang tempat aku bertenggek time bosan,
partner buat ctc,
geng tapau kat makcik,
& also teman berkongsi duka lara dalam pantry sekangkang kera tu.
lagi sorang pulak, duduk opposite aku,
toksah cite lah,
bila sejuk, leather jacket uncle jadi mangsa aku.
entah dapat contact balik ke tidak, especially untuk jemput hujung tahun ni.
uncle takpe lagi, ada je dia kat MINC tu aku rasa.
tapi ecah?
hilang entah ke mana.
susah-susah aku pergi tuntut kat rumah kak fara.
jalan aku masih ingat (terima kasih brain capacity).

ah ramadhan.
kelemahan aku time ramadhan ni satu je lah.
rindu yang datang memang bukan-bukan betul.
dari siang lagi aku dah rasa pelik-pelik.
tenang bersilih sayu.
presence yang makin kuat, makin tangible.
sampaikan bila mula terawih dengan mama abah tadi,
had to blink back tears.

whatever it is,
here's to my last ramadhan as a single girl.
moga dapat reflect diri,
perbaiki banyak-banyak,
& istiqamah.
sebab what's waiting on the other side of this ramadhan,
tak tertanggung bahu ni sebenarnya.
the journey to,
& also fulfilling the role of
being
"the completing piece to your half".

& this is how freepeople makes me tear up at the office.
Saturday DO
:')

Revived.

The existing cabinet in my room was at a risk of breaking & toppling over my aquarium,
The plank which the aquarium was sitting on was bent,
& on top of that there wasn't enough room to keep my books.
So naturally i bought a new cabinet.
One thing lead to another,
I ended up washing my aquarium.
It's embarrassing to be admitting this,
But it's been years since i last washed it.
Literally, years.
The most i did was sponge the sides & did a 3/4 water change.
I was convinced that as long as the snails are breeding,
The water quality is good.
& maybe it is,
But the part where my aquarium sits has become such a depressing area.
I lost interest in my fishes completely.
I fed them twice a day,
Topped up the water when it recedes,
I even took my own sweet time in cleaning the filter,
Often leaving the water not filtered for a week or more.
Then i bought a new cabinet.
I made myself wash the aquarium.
Surprisingly it took much less time than i anticipated.
It definitely wasn't that difficult.
& the result,
Oh my.
I can't stop staring at it.
Honestly for almost 2 years, maybe more,
I completely forgot how fascinating an aquarium is.
I now remember how i could just stand in front of it for hours just looking.
How crystal clear the water is,
How the fins of the fish change colour as the light catches it,
How their tail sway,
Even the rocks look so pretty.
I can't get over it!

so the shoes headache is over.
at least, for nikah and my side of the kenduri.
but now it's handbags.
there's either the cheap, flimsy looking ones for rm70 and below,
or the branded ones ridiculously priced at over rm300.
aren't there decent ones for, say, rm120?
i don't even know what brands to start at.
charles & keith is just.. bleh.
ever since that place existed in malaysia, i have yet to fall head over heels with an item,
be it shoes or handbags or wallet.
it's always like.. yeah it's nice,
but i can so get something else i'll love more & for less elsewhere.
like primavera, for example (hihihi).
maybe it's just overrated.
& talking about overrated,
why am i so stressed out about what i put on the dulangs?
it's almost as if there's a clear set of rules of what to put on.
i mean cmon, i just bought a perfume set for god's sake.
i'd better still be this much in love with the beat in 5 months' time.
i guess i gotta sit myself down & have a long talk on needs vs wants.
vs impressing people/abiding to what society thinks something should be.
it definitely isn't anyone's problem if i wanted the entire muse discography on my dulang right?
it's not like i'm asking you to pay for it.
that would be epic though.

Exes.

this week's freepeople's ask brian is on exes,
particularly staying friends with your exes.
& it's a topic very close to my heart.
because i'm cool with all of my exes.
all.
& quite a number are my best friends now.
it's something i'm very proud of, & in some cases i tried quite hard to achieve it.
(it didn't help that i was the one who broke up with most of them lol).
somewhere in the explaining and answering, brian said something about maybe that person is ok about being friends with the ex because it wasn't anything serious,
like it's just someone she dated or had a fling with,
so it's easier to go back to being friends.
but for me, honestly, i take each relationship seriously.
yes, the whole imagining our wedding, our life together & what we'd name our kids shit.
i just can't help it,
my ultimate goal in life is to get married & be a fulltime housewife, remember?
but for me, & i guess what i see in my sister & parents as well, is that the very base of the relationship should be a good friendship.
it's like how apisan always say,
'of course i like you. if i didn't, why would i want to be friends with you?'
so at the very base of it, each of my relationship is a good friendship.
& friends isn't something i'd want to lose easily.
you've taken all that time to get to know a person, & in return let that person know you,
to just let it go would be, well, wasteful.
i'm a very clingy person in any relationships.
he's the first person i think of for anything,
from scary trips to the clinic/dentist, to simply getting something to eat, & even to lingerie shopping.
if i can get away with it, i'd live joined at the hip with him.
because he's my best friend.
his opinion is what matters most, his presence is what calms & excites me most.
so i'm glad i got to meet a guy who truly understands this (at last).
& he's still really good friends with his ex too.
he understands that these guys were in one part of my life when he wasn't,
& there are things that only they would understand because they experienced it with me,
& sometimes i just need their view or their reassurance on it.
but of course these guys will never get to go through the most important experience with me,
the wedding & marriage :)