Independence.

It started last night at work around 11 pm when saiful excitedly raised all the blinds so as to not miss the fireworks at midnight.
Sebenarnya dari tengah hari dah pasang niat,
'Nak bangun awal lah esok, tengok celebration kat dataran. Sesambil boleh lipat baju basuh baju'.
Hence at 11 pm tu otak dah merayau balik ke zaman dulu, imagining the feelings of the performers.
The practice, the nervousness of the night before, the morning of, getting ready, waiting in formation..
& that's when perasaan halus tu muncul.
Ah sudah.
Ramadhan & syawal came & went, & I was perfectly fine.
Merdeka kalah.
Hurr.
Maka sekarang, I'm wide awake but I'm unsure of what my next move should be.
Menyorok diam-diam bawah ketiak suami?
Or bukak TV uji daya ketahanan diri?
In my mind all I could picture is the first merdeka after the accident,
When I fell sick the eve of & couldn't follow mama to dataran,
Instead I watched it at home & bawled my eyes out.
Haha merdeka lah satu hari di mana aku betul-betul tak merdeka :P

Tired.

I am tired of heartburns.
I am tired of check ups.
Of being mollycoddled, fussed over.
You have to eat more, you're gaining too much weight, you have to control your diet.
Your stomach's too small, but you have a risk of diabetes, so your baby might be too big during delivery.
YOU'RE NOT MAKING SENSE.
I am tired of having to pee every time I have to go for a check up, because I pee before leaving the house as a force of habit.
I am tired of having blood taken in all manners possible.
I am tired of not being able to lie down on my back without feeling like I might break my hips.
I am tired of feeling so heavy, and huge, like an effing whale.
I am tired of questions.
When are you due? Is it a boy or a girl?
You know, I wish I could tell you what God has planned, but He hasn't shared with me yet.
And most of all I am tired of thinking about money.
Work? Not work? Freelance? Minta sedekah?
That last one I wish I could.
But then having this kid out would mean a lifetime of responsibilities,
And as selfish as this might sound, the probability of my relationship with Ikhwan changing forever.
No more expensive date nights, taking our time enjoying each other's company,
Late nights, even later mornings, staying in bed, cuddling,
Doing things as and when we like it, from talking to catching a movie.
All that.
Kids, please wear protection.

Short Updates.

On Ramadhan:
Puasa penuh yay!
Kepuasan yang sangat hakiki dapat puasa penuh at 25 :D

On 1 Syawal (& working):
Hikmahnya adalah bila masuk office, maka kuranglah aktiviti melantak tanpa hala tuju.
I had just enough of mama's raya cooking to get the raya feel,
But not too much that I got sick of it.
Though perut did meragam the whole day.
Tak tau la terkejut sebab tak puasa ke, sebab makan pulut pagi-pagi buta ke, sebab lupa minum melilea ke.
Tapi yang penting balik kerja dapat nasi perut terus happy horhor

& we are off to Kelantan early tomorrow morning, hence kickstarting our two weeks core leave.
Can't wait to get away from all the shit in the office,
But at the same time jiwa tak tenang memikirkan tahap inbox penuh macam mana lah balik nanti.
Serta what other shit that will come our way next.
Hurrr