Needs.

Baby is asleep.
It's the second time she fell asleep on her own today.
I wish I could sleep as well, but my sister is so close to reaching home,
& my husband should be off work in 20 minutes.
Plus I'm craving for some pastries so bad it's not even funny.
I'm bored, & I'm at a risk of gomol-ing my daughter & waking her up,
So here I am typing.
What is there to say?
Nothing at all.
I wish I could publish one post where I didn't talk about my daughter.
I'm so annoyed with myself now that I have turned into a typical child-obsessed mother.
But I can't really be blamed, can I.
I am stuck with her 24 hours a day.
Unless I start talking about laundry or the amount of hair that is falling off my bed & is littering my room.
It bugs me to high heavens, my God.
I need a robot vacuum pronto.

Chapped.

I know I just blogged a longass post,
& I haven't even read through it to edit & stuff.
But we're spending tonight in a hotel.
Hilwa's first time.
We woke her up super early this morning & she's been lemau the entire day.
All she wanted to do was sleep, & when she couldn't she was just cranky.
But we spent a lot of time travelling in the car, or walking around malls,
& probably 70% of the time she was asleep.
She napped for an hour plus after we checked in,
& even slept while I carried her back to the car after dinner.
Basically, she slept a lot through out today.
So naturally when we actually wanted her to sleep for the night, she wouldn't.
She fell asleep for a short while after I nursed her, then woke up again.
She just became so hyper.
Kicking & screaming & scratching.
I lost count of the number of times I nursed her,
& every time I carried her to try & rock her to sleep, she'd scream bloody murder.
Until about 2 am when she just rolled around weakly & I noticed a tiny dark stain on the bed.
Upon further inspection, it was blood.
Her lips were cracked.
It must've been the dry conditioned air.
Or the numerous times we went from sun to air cond to sun to air cond through out the day.
But when I fed her some plain water, she gobbled down 3 spoonfuls.
Then she went right to sleep after barely 5 minutes of suckling me.
I'm sure doctors have done extensive research when they recommended that babies drink nothing else but breast milk until they're 6 months old.
But really, in Malaysia, I don't think that's 100% feasible.
No wonder shops sell baby-safe chapsticks & stuff.
Ridiculous.

The extremely long labour story.

I'm up 45 minutes too early,
& I suddenly thought of my labour experience.
Rindu the first hours alone with Hilwa,
How at peace & content I felt.
Just realised that I never blogged about it so what the heck.
It all started at noon sharp on 12th Oct.
I was up in bed just lazing around with Ikhwan, deciding what to do that day & stuff,
When I suddenly felt a gush of water coming out.
I was puzzled at first thinking I'd have peed myself because at that point I was but only when I sneeze or cough, or when I'm in deep sleep.
I rushed to the toilet & saw it was tinged with blood.
I proudly announced my water has broke, bathed & just waited.
I came out again bit by bit & I was convinced.
I read that when your water breaks sometimes it won't gush out like in the movies coz the baby's head is plugging the opening.
After checking again & seeing blood again, I told Ikhwan I want to go to the hospital.
I wish I hadn't though, coz we were told to go home lol.
I had to take off my undies & they stuffed this plastic thing to jack me open.
They tested the wetness to confirm if its my amniotic fluid, but couldn't confirm that.
I was 1 cm dilated, no contractions.
So we went home.
Kesian Ikhwan, as it was the weekend he had to walk all the way to emergency in order to register me in, & it was all wasted.
In the car on the way back, at 5 pm sharp, I felt my first contraction.
It grew steadily & by maghrib I was rolling around on my bed every time it came.
I timed it using the contraction app & it was once every 4 minutes if I remember correctly.
So we went to the hospital again, this time my mum came along.
I encountered an annoying nurse who commented on my address & told me I 'belonged' to hkl instead of selayang.
She ratted me off to the doctor, who then said 'biar la orang nak pergi mana pun, dia tengah sakit ni kan?'
Hilyah 1, annoying nurse 0.
They hooked me up to the machine that records the baby's heart beat & my contraction.
I hate that bloody thing with my whole heart as you have to lay really still lest the machine loses the baby.
To be clear, it is impossible to lay down flat when the contraction comes.
I would turn to the side & grab the bed sides,
& when the nurse is there to 'monitor' me, I almost kicked her.
But still they told me my contractions were only 1 in 10 minutes, & only 2 cm dilated.
Yep, shooed home again.
After yet another trip to the emergency by Ikhwan.
Seriously people, do not go into labour on a weekend!
But later on my sister & mum did say I was lucky it was the weekend & most doctors were off, as they would probably have cut my open by Sunday night or something.
The pain intensified through out the ride home & all through the night.
My sister came over, then Imara, bless their souls.
All of them gave me back rubs as taught by my mum,
& I was just there on all fours every time the contractions came.
We decided at 1 am plus to try to sleep & wake up bright & early to go to the hospital.
Impossible.
Every time I was about to drift off to sleep the contractions came & I'd shake Ikhwan up to rub my back.
I pitied him, & I was getting tired myself.
At 2 am plus I decided it's not working & said I want to go back to the hospital.
There were times when my contraction was 2 minutes apart,
It must be getting close I thought.
(Pfft).
We woke my mum up & went again.
I was still 2 cm dilated, contractions 1 in 10.
I swear to God there's something calming about the drive that slows down my contractions.
I could just feel it slowing down every time we drove to the hospital, & I was so pissed.
The doctor looked at my records & said 'kalau saya suruh awak balik pun kejap lagi mesti awak datang balik'.
Lol!
So I chose to be admitted.
There were only class 2 beds available, & Ikhwan had to go to emergency, again, in the dead of the night, to register me in & put down a deposit.
Then they stuck a needle into my hand & I was declared a patient.
The needle thing was cool though, I could see blood accumulating in the tube & they flushed it out with some water.
It felt so cool.. As in temperature.
I dunno, it was cool at the time.
Once I got to my cubicle, they allowed my mum & Ikhwan to stay til morning when the doctors came for their rounds.
I sat alone not really knowing what to do.
Then this Indian cleaner came & started making small talk, asking the gender of my baby.
I said not sure.
She asked me how does it hurt?
I said in the back.
She confidently said girl. If it's a boy it'd hurt in the stomach.
I just laughed her off.
Then it was a blur of various people sticking their fingers in to check.
By 8 am plus I was 4 cm dilated.
I asked for painkillers, I was so tired I just wanted a break & to sleep.
So they hooked me up to the bloody machine then gave me an injection.
It dulled probably 2 contractions, then by the 3rd it was back full force & I was awake again.
They sent breakfast, lunch & tea, I ate just to keep alive.
Ikhwan & my mum was somewhere in the hospital, dead tired, & I was desperate to just get the baby out.
At 5 pm during the visiting hours my mum, brother & sister in law came.
She took me around the ward, just to walk & get things going.
I asked for the painkiller again.
It felt so long then, but now I realised it's not even 12 hours since I had the last one.
They injected me at around 6 plus,
& by the time my mum in law returned from her prayers I was fast asleep.
Not long after I woke up to Ikhwan & my mum, then Ikhwan went home.
Well I don't really remember the exact time they came & left.
Maybe they went home earlier then came again during visiting hours.
But all I know that night my mum stayed at the hospital & she told Ikhwan to go home & recharge.
At 8.30 pm Sunday they checked me again,
I was still at 4 cm dilated.
I texted my mum, almost in tears,
& she told me to just relax.
As if she didn't need to sleep.
As if she's perfectly comfortable there on a hard chair somewhere & could wait forever.
God a mother's love.
So I just.. Waited.
I stood by my bed & girated in figure 8s to loosen my pelvis.
I listened to surah maryam on my phone.
I sat, laid down, menonggeng.
Everything.
I remember going to the toilet a few times but nothing came out & I felt so desperate.
I dunno why I was convinced if I could poo a bit, my cervix would loosen up.
In the wee hours of the morning I just couldn't take it & pressed the red button to call the nurse.
The pain was getting too much.
My favourite doctor ever came, a young Chinese lady who was so gentle & soft spoken. I forgot to get her name.
She checked me & told me I'm still at 4 cm, but my baby's a bit low.
She discussed with the nurse about bringing me to the labour room,
Then they told me to just prepare my stuff.
I requested for my mum to come in coz I just didn't have any strength left to rummage through my bag & find my baby's stuff.
I called my mum & she came in & the doctor spoke to her.
From then on she just allowed my mum tp stay & rub my back, & I remember she would fall asleep in her chair with her head on the bed & I wouldn't want to wake her but the pain is too much all I could do was poke her hand.
Mama told me to go freshen up (as I haven't bathed in more than 24 hours & I just forgot the entire concept of personal hygiene).
I brushed my teeth & washed my face, & came out of the toilet shivering violently.
She gave me my sweater & wrapped me in my towel.
The nurse also gave me a pill (inserted up the ass, no point in censoring that out) that was supposed to empty my bowels.
Coz, you know, you wouldn't wanna poo while pushing your baby out right.
I was just so desperate to poo I went straight away & nothing much came out.
But then again it's not like I've been eating much for the past, I dunno, 1 & half days?
But yeah.. It felt good to just go, & getting that pill meant it was finally my turn to head to the labour room.
Then at 5 am they finally wheeled me into the labour room.
I went to the toilet again, it was so spacious.
Then they told me to change from the pink clothes to a white dress thing, which ties at the back.
A young, probably new doctor, tried to break my water bag but couldn't.
She said my baby's head is a bit low & she's scared of accidentally poking it.
They hooked me on to the bloody machine again.
& slowly I start to hear the labour room start to fill with doctors & midwives as the day began.
There were excited chatter as it's one day before hari raya haji.
Sometime later a more experience doctor came to break my water bag & she did it so quick I was impressed lol.
In the labour room I kind lost track of time coz there wasn't a clock in there.
Felt like 2 hours, but I was actually in there for about 5 hours.
Well, after they broke my water bag things sped along.
With every contraction I felt the baby's head going down.
I was clinging on to the sides of the bed & the nurses were worried I'd topple the bed over lol.
Oh yeah, at 6 am plus Ikhwan came, & my mum also called my dad to come fetch her so they switched 'shifts'.
My mum barely made it home before it was time to push.
& also, somehow even though I just went to the toilet the moment I got to the labour room, I felt this overwhelming need to pee & I literally felt my bladder filling up with more urine as I held it in.
I told one of the nurses, she actually said I can just let it go on the bed.
They'd clean me up after.
& I seriously considered that, only I couldn't.
No matter how hard I tried I just couldn't & it started to hurt real bad.
So another nurse actually stuck like a tube in & drew it out into a container like you see in the movies where they place organs during/after an operation.
It took so long to get everything out,
& that container was almost full to the brim I remember thinking 'it'd be epic if she tripped & dropped that thing while carrying it to the toilet to dispose it lol.
Honestly I had weird thoughts in the labour room.
But yeah, I think that peeing thing was due to the fact I was hooked up to a drip.
Which I didn't know why, & which caused my right hand to swell up like nobody's business.
At around 7 am plus I think the midwife opened up her set & told me I could push if I wanted to, but my contraction was ending so even when I pushed I didn't feel anything.
So she abandoned me & went elsewhere.
I sat listening to the sounds, & a lady screaming her head off & getting scolded by her midwife, then giving birth just moments after despite her drama of not being able to push due to the pain.
That was hilarious.
Somewhere along the way though the midwife did say I could push softly with each contraction just to speed things along I guess.
It was the exact thing I needed to hear.
& I'm not embarrassed nor do I feel guilty to say that I didn't just 'push a little'.
It's not like I could hold myself from pushing.
With every contraction my body just shook violently & I would just let it go & allow it to do whatever nature intended it to do.
& nature never intended me to push softly.
It felt good though, contraction, body shaking violently, & everything that came with it.
All this while the baby's head was going lower & lower, & I asked Ikhwan to call the midwife as I could actually feel the baby between my legs.
She came in & told me I could push again.
Then she said she could see the baby's hair, & invited Ikhwan to see too, which he did.
I pushed along with my contraction, & really it wasn't hard at all coz honestly the pain is bad when you hold yourself from pushing.
I just completely let go after my first try just now & just did what my body wanted to.
After 3 pushes I think, over 2 contractions, the baby shot out.
I remember distinctly the machine bleeped urgently as it lost 'sight' of my baby.
The midwife held her up with her legs apart & told me to see the gender.
I said 'girl', looking at Ikhwan slightly sad that I was wrong my entire pregnancy hahah.
I saw that he was pale & told him to drink some water or sit down.
He left the room to make some calls.
They took my baby immediately to get her checked after the really long labour.
Then brought her back after some time, all bathed & dressed & wrapped.
Now I don't know which happened before what, but I started nursing the baby,
The midwife stitched me up,
& Ikhwan fed me nasi goreng & Milo (which I sucked through a straw cut out from medical tubes hahaha).
The stitching part I barely felt anything, I dunno whether it was the adrenaline, or because I've stretched my skin so much they lost all feeling.
Oh yeah before that they injected me on my left thigh to help me 'birth' the placenta.
The midwive kinda just pulled on the tali pusat,
& she told me to cough a few times as the force would help expel it.
I don't think it's wise to push, I don't know.
I didn't actually feel anything,
But knowing that I've been snipped, & now she's tugging something else out, it was a bit ngilu.
But then again I have an over-active imagination & like I said, I actually didn't feel anything except for the plop of the placenta when it came out.
Like balloon filled halfway with water & it's all lembik & droopy.
Then they let me rest for a while before changing me back to the pinks & rolling me back to my cubicle.
My brother was in the hall with his daughter, but I just saw him passing by.
Shortly after he left because his daughter was sleepy.
He couldn't come in the ward because it wasn't visiting hours yet.
They didn't even let Ikhwan or my mum stay.
Then I got to sleep for the first time in 48 hours.
It was just a short nap, & I woke up again slightly after 11 am & snapped pictures of my girl & just laid there.
I must have dozed off again, coz when I woke up it was noon & imara was sitting beside my bed.
I left my baby with her & went to the toilet to change out of the bloody stuff.
Pretty brave, thinking back, just having been stitched & all.
Then Ikhwan came from home, along with some lauk my mum cooked.
After 2 nights of no sleep she still went home to cook for me & for raya the next day.
It was just me, ikhwan & imara that afternoon.
Then that evening for the 5 pm visiting time,
My in laws came, jepp, then my mum came at almost 7 pm, bringing along some lauk raya lol!
I just rested that night.
Could have gone home once baby poops, which she did within few hours of birth no worries about that.
But since I was a GDM patient (diabetic during pregnancy) they had to monitor the baby's blood sugar level for 24 hours.
So we're spending the night.
Poor baby had her heels poked every 4 hours or so.
No one waited at the hospital with me.
I had my dinner, nursed & changed my baby, slept, had some lauk raya at 4 am.
It was good.. Just so calm.
The baby slept & slept & rarely even nursed.
At 7 am plus the nurse told me to get the baby ready for her bath.
So I stripped her down & just held her in her blanket.
The atmosphere was even more electric than yesterday in the labour room.
It's raya!
The weather was just right, & I pictured walking to the mosque in the cool morning.
Oh that Indian cleaner came again, as she apparently did every morning & said she missed me the day before.
She commented on how long I was there & was surprised when I told her I was in the labour room the previous morning.
Yes, people don't usually wait around 24 hours to get their baby out.
She asked the gender again, I said girl, & she proudly 'i-told-you-so'-ed me.
Lol she's so random.
Then on I just waited for the nurses & doctors to conduct their checks on us,
Then for noon when ikhwan, my mum & sister came, & I took my first bath since Saturday.
Shampooed my hair & scrubbed my face.
It felt so good.
This time my mum waited outside the door & didn't allow me to lock it.
Back when my sister had her first baby, she fainted in the toilet & another patient found her.
So my mum didn't wanna take any risks.
Then I was discharged, & am so proud of the fact I walked down & out of the hospital on my own two feet.
Looking back, it wasn't so long at all,
But I was just glad it was over.
Though my stay at the hospital was really comfortable, I really didn't mind the 2 nights.

Next phase.

Started nyiaw on solids today.
Well that sounds all grand.
Actually all that happened was I cooked sweet potato then pureed it,
& she had like grains of it off of the tip of my finger,
& made repulsive expressions every time, like I forced fed her dirt or something.
Is my cooking that bad?
Lol.
Honestly I'm only posting this because I want to document her growth,
I really do,
But I'm just too lazy to go get a diary & do it daily proper.
In my mind I have this perfect vision of me recording her day to day activities,
What time she woke up, how many times she pooped, what colour is said poop,
Believe me I'd record when I clipped her nails & how many of her hair I find randomly in her palm,
But that's a bit obsessive so I think this blog post whenever I feel like it does it right?
(I'm so gonna regret never doing it the moment she goes to college)

Chatter.

She's snuggled up against my tummy, asleep.
This feeling, it never gets old.
I could blog about it everyday.
I think I kind of do.
She'll be turning 5 months on Friday,
& me 26 on Monday.
26 huh.
I feel over the hill.
I guess I've always kind of seen life until 25.
Married, working.
But now I'm already on the next phase, which my whole life I've never really considered.
Motherhood, 26.
It's like I've hit a big, huge milestone in my life.
Well it is, isn't it?
I'm not making much sense, still processing all this.
I've got 4 days to lol.
But at least I'm over the whole birthday blues thing.
I'm not saying life's all peachy now.
The MH370 issue is very unsettling,
Especially with Yaya leaving for UK in just a week,
& my own fear of flying.
But seriously, Hilwa fills my heart with such joy it's insane.
For starters, me writing the above sentence is already so corny & insane.
Regardless, I just can't help but love her.
To bits.
I now understand what people say about a mother's love.
Mind boggling.
& I'm tearing up just thinking about it, though she's right here breathing into my chest.
Sheesh & I had the cheeks to say I'm not feeling any birthday blues.
I'm so emotional it's hilarious.
I've really got no point in writing this actually.
I've always kind of regretted the fact that I don't document Hilwa's growth since birth.
& I keep telling myself it's better starting late than never.
But sharing it to the whole wide world doesn't seem right.
& I've got no diary that I could jot into.
I guess that's a good budget, last minute birthday gift you could get me.
Psst, I'm kind of a sucker for flowery, Cath Kidston-y prints.
It'd look really nice on a notebook cover, no?
Teehee

Serabut.

Aku tengah literally duduk menung atas katil sambil garu-garu lengan.
That was before I picked up this phone & started typing.
But you get my drift.
Harini babygirl tumpas awal.
Memang padan pun la, menjerit-jerit, melompat-lompat serta menyembur-nyembur air liur since bangun tidur tadi.
Nap ada lah dalam setengah jam, twice.
Kalau tak tidur jugak sekarang alamat esok aku masuk kosmo front page "ibu rebus anak jadi sup".
Tapi disebabkan mek ni tidur awal aku jadi mati kutu.
Life candy crush dah habis.
Window shopping dah, sampai penat.
Juga dah 3 hari tak buat kerja sebab stock abah (juga stock di HQ) habis licin.
Imara mintak buat translation pun dah siap.
Mati. Kutu.
Sebut pasal imara.
Ni lagi satu penyumbang serabut kepala otak aku dari tengah bulan lepas.
Her birthday is coming up & I don't know what on earth to get her.
I have to get her something.
Something epic.
Untuk orang yang telah jalan kaki datang rumah aku tengah-tengah malam buta & tolong urut belakang masa aku contraction menungging-nungging.
Orang yang first show up dekat hospital lepas aku bersalin, menyelinap masuk tepi katil tepat pukul 12 tengah hari & duduk diam-diam dekat kerusi sebab aku tengah tidur ternganga.
Dan kalau aku nak sebut balik semua benda dari aku kenal dia memang tak habis la.
Tapi yes, something epic.
I can't believe fashionvalet let me down on the one occasion I've set my mind to shop with them.
Kenapa dresses buruk sangaaat?
& the one dress I love takde size.
*emoticon hampa*
So aku dah betul-betul mati kutu.
Kat zalora barang macam menarik tapi aku macam dah potong.
Siap sedia lah ikhwan kena teman aku shopping sat lagi.
Ikhwan jugak.
Shopping barang untuk orang lain pun dia kena pilih -_-"
Nanti bulan depan birthday dia lagi aku serabut hurhhhh dah mula serabut dari sekarang lol!
Kalau ikut jam aku, ada lagi setengah jam baru dia nak habis kerja.
Maksudnya working hours dia habis, kalau dia keluar office on time itu magic.
& the waiting continues.
Mari kita sambung kira hutang, review checklist untuk tambah lagi benda serta tambah stress sebab tak boleh nak cross off items sebab sekarang malam takle withdraw duit bayar hutang juga shopping kat ou.
Ntah amende la yang aku serabut sekarang ni aku pun tak paham kenapa.

The Ikea Realisation part II

We have bought our first bed from Ikea!
That fact just dawned on me.
Bukan batak mahupun nak riak,
But everything began at Ikea.
The Ikea realisation (which involved a four-poster bed which, thank god, is not for sale anymore),
That lead to the first formal informal at Ikea (berdating ala-ala 500 days of summer pui).
& there we were just now,
Debating over bed frames that hinder bedsheet application & bulky footboards that guarantees bloody toes.
There was nothing romantic at all about us buying a bed.
Didn't even cross my mind that there we are, married, buying a bed.
The closest topic we came to being married was whether the bed was too low which makes dressing Hilwa after her bath uncomfortable (no we don't believe in changing tables).
God we're so settled as mother & father it's almost sad lol!
But yeah, we settled alright on the most basic frame & let's pray I stay contented with it for a long, looong time.
& while we're on the topic of a new bed,
I also realized I have granted one thing out of last year's birthday wish list for myself!
A new bed!
Replacing the existing one which is still crooked & has now started creaking whenever I rock Hilwa to sleep.
& this post is getting sadder & sadder by the minute,
But who cares.
I bought myself a new bed!