Summed.

I want to write.
Honestly.
About my wedding,
About my honeymoon
(definitely about my honeymoon because I enjoyed it so much & I don't want to forget the details),
About 2012.
But god knows I'm lazy,
& what more gambar kahwin belum dapat.
I guess we'll write about 2012 first then,
becuase it's now or never lol.
There's nothing more to say than 'kahwin'.
I went into 2012 determined to get married.
This is how determined I was:
After completing my internship, I spent the month-plus holiday job searching because I absolutely have to work in January.
& I did.
Ocision was good,
I enjoyed myself, enjoyed my work, but I don't miss it.
2012 was getting another niece, Ayra Fazlin,
the roadtrip to Perak with Ika, Rean, Jijah & Afiq for Asnadia's wedding,
& receiving news on the way back that Ikhwan's family has approved our plan of getting engaged (& married)
turning 24 at Tony Romas with then-boyfriend Ikhwan.
Getting engaged on 28 April,
& finally getting married on 15 December.
This is definitely not a year that I could say "omagah where did all the time go?"
I definitely felt every minute of it.
What with working & counting minutes to go home,
counting days to the next paycheck,
& definitely counting days to getting hitched.
Planning, surveying, the trips to Jakel & the various tailors, the trips to Nilai 3,
bungkus-ing doorgifts, the whole mehndi adventure with Lin & Izzul,
Last minute Jakel trip with Lin & Wan, & praying that things work out with less than a month to spare.
& after everything, the honeymoon with my now-husband, Ikhwan.
Oh! & surviving the end of the world :P
I wouldn't change any second of it.
& now I'm ready to face 2013,
excited, even.
Know why?
Because I just balanced the expense manager on my phone baybeh!
What have I learned from 2012?
You can take a person out of a finance department, but you can never take finance out of a person.
Lolwut.

Question.

In a turn of some very unfortunate events,
I am left not only husbandless,
But home alone tonight.
To be honest,
The muse to start writing is still isn't there,
But hell, I'm bored.
So,
Perhaps the most popular question I've been asked is
"Best kahwin?"
I've got to admit,
The first few days of waking up next to a guy was frightening for me.
Not because I slept with a guy,
But due to the realization that he's my husband.
I'd sit in the toilet asking myself if I did the right thing,
Had I rushed into this?
I was so caught up with making a wedding happen,
I kind of forgot that there'll be a marriage.
Suddenly I'm not just Hilyah, anak Pn Nurhana & Uncle Ishak anymore.
Suddenly I'm a wife,
A sister in law,
A daughter in law,
& in due time, a mother.
The last thought was definitely the most frightening.
But then I realise,
Everything is actually within my control.
I chose this man,
& I can make sure I am a good person,
As I always have,
Which will ensure I will be a good sister & daughter,
Regardless whether to my in laws or my biological.
& most importantly, I can decide when I'm ready to be a mother.
It doesn't all have to happen at once.
& the best part is,
Having someone to always be by your side,
For all eternity.
Each night as I lay down waiting to go to sleep,
I can only think of one answer to give to anyone who asks me the question.
"You know that feeling of having a sleepover with your best friend?
Imagine having that every night,
Only better".

Speechless.

I haven't been able to bring myself to write, let a lone digest, what has been happening.
Not to mention aku sangat sungguh takde time!
Omg busynya jadi pengantin lol.
So for now,
Musings of my sister here
Until I can actually write :)

p/s: menangis meleleh ayaq hidung habis. Dahla dia mention aku as baby sister T_T

Not funny.

I've been pretty.. well, not to say obsessed,
But I guess yeah, obsessed, with Vivy Yusof & her husband Dean.
For starters, I love how she keeps her stories light, witty & interesting,
& of course, they're 'in' right now.
I started reading her blog a few days after she got married,
& got obsessed with her life journey.
I loved her bridal shower,
Loved her receptions & what she wore,
Fell head over heels with the orange songket omfg,
& I enjoy reading stories of her married life.
I don't know if you notice,
But the trend now is to get pregnant immediately after getting married.
Like, 5 minutes into the marriage, bam!, instagram pregnancy test kinda immediately.
But Vivy's been in it for almost 6 months now & they're so lekkk.
Yeah.
Up until yesterday where she dropped the bomb.
Shit weh,
& she's already past her first trimester!
That's it man,
I'm making sure Ikhwan uses condoms every time.
NO EXCEPTION.
No condoms & I'll lock myself in my single room.
Lol!
No, seriously.

Minit-minit terakhir.

Bilangan haribulan Disember dah masuk 2 angka.

Aku dah tak boleh nak loading.

Padahal harini bukan buat apa pun.

Bangun agak lambat untuk standard pengantin dalam minggu terakhir,

Buat door gift sikit,

Pergi rumah moksu,

& zumba at 8pm lepas sampai rumah.

Aku sendiri pun tak tau bila & macam mana ia terjadi,

Tapi otak aku macam blank.

So many things to do,

But I just can't compute.

Yang mana termampu, teringat nak buat, aku buat,

Tapi still rasa jiwa tak tenang macam benda tak settle.

Aku taktau lah.

Kalau boleh tak mau pikir dah.

Tetibe semua benda settle dengan sendirinya macam magic,

Tengok-tengok aku dah kahwin.

December.

Found this on freepeople & I immediately was brought back to two Decembers ago.

The kind of feeling it brings back is rather peculiar.

A sense of joyful sadness, if that even makes sense.

Well, joyful because I am where I am now despite what I was experiencing that December.

Looking back, I guess that was the time in my life that I felt most alone.

I remember Ikhwan being away in his kampung for quite a long period of time,

& I was acutely aware that a very important part of me was slipping away.

I would stay up all night,

literally all night,

just thinking.

Everything was amplified when the world is pitch black and deafeningly silent.

I would reach a point where I'd feel that I can't take it anymore,

the seconds ticking past,

the darkness,

the silence,

& how fully awake I was,

that I would call Ikhwan, only to be told to go to sleep.

As if it was that easy.

& then I start hearing the sounds of morning,

of my parents waking up,

& the school bus passing,

& through my curtain shines the most beautiful shade of blue,

the sign that the sun is slowly coming up.

& I'd fall asleep in the false safety that is daylight.

Only to repeat it again.

If you're reading this,

I don't mean to bring it up,

but god knows I never want to go through that December again.

One ending.

It's my last day of work today (since it's already Friday),
In Ocision, at least.
I'm not particularly sad about leaving the company,
But I'm sad, & borderline freaking out, about leaving the routine.
The freedom of waking up past my clock in time
(Work starts at 9, I typically wake up at 9.15)
The short drive to work,
Taking the stairs up & still panting everyday,
I'm scared I'll lose my mind not having a job.
I think I've grown a lot in the space of 11 months.
I remember while doing my internship,
& during the process of job hunting,
I kept thinking 'oh my god I'm going to be working for like, forever after this,
There's no more looking forward to a definite end like it was during internship'.
That thought really scared me,
Because at that point, my whole life was lived according to these deadlines, these milestones.
Looking forward to the next school holiday, to the next big exam, to SPM, to results, to uni, to the end of each semester, to the end of internship.
Then suddenly there I was, joining a company for an infinite amount of time,
Until I feel like quitting, or is terminated, or retired.
I was so scared of feeling trapped,
Like I was going nowhere, not accomplishing anything.
Trapped in a daily, monotonous routine,
& not having a definite 'end date' to look forward to.
But these past few weeks since I've tendered my resignation,
I can't help but be scared of not having this routine.
I was actually surprised when I came to realize it,
That as much as I didn't enjoy my job,
I enjoyed having a job.
Having a routine.
& the 'not enjoying my job part' dissipated rather quickly the moment I started handing over my tasks to my colleague & training her,
I started realizing how important these tasks were,
& how much work I was actually doing in a day,
& how most of how it works was created by myself.
Even if I'll never get a recognition or praises on it,
I actually felt accomplished.
& it makes leaving that much harder,
Because I actually felt like I wasn't done with the company.
I wouldn't mind staying.
But then again, it could just be rose tinted view,
Since I don't do any work in the office anymore.
Let's just hope I don't go mad in December,
& that my plans work out ok, Insyaallah.

Retrospect.

Kau tau kenapa aku begitu sangat sungguh pasti dengan Ikhwan?
Al-kisah bermula pada tanggal 29 Febuari 2012.
Dipendekkan cerita,
Dalam perjalanan aku ke sebuah gig di The Curve,
Aku terserempak dengan jejaka idaman Malaya.
No, well, jejaka idaman aku.
Di mana I had him at hello lah.
Atau lebih tepat lagi, saat aku nampak dia & dia nampak aku & jaw aku dropped sampai lantai tanpa cover.
Sedang berborak rancak sambil langkah kaki seiring menuju destinasi sama,
Telefon aku berbunyi.
Ikhwan.
Dalam se-instant otak aku berfikir,
"Dia mesti dah habis break & nak masuk office balik. Kalau aku tak angkat ni sekarang alamatnya tunggu dia habis kerja baru aku boleh cakap dengan dia. Angkat. Angkat. ANGKAT."
Saat aku toleh ke jejaka idaman tadi dan berkata "sorry I've got to take this",
I saw the fire leave his eyes.
Tapi yang penting hati Ikhwan terjaga.
Bila aku fikir balik,
Later that night,
Berbulan kemudian,
Malam ni,
Aku selalu rasa macam nak sepak diri sendiri.
Aduh Hilyah you had it going so well.
Paling busuk pun mesti dapat one night stand punya lah.
HAHAHA statement kan?
Tak.
Saat tu,
Later that night,
Berbulan kemudian,
& malam ni,
Aku sentiasa tau that answering that phone call was the most worth it,
most defining moment of my life.
Ikhwan, I choose you.
*presenting pokemon ball miahaha lame*

Clockwork.

My friends, or one particular friend, on me staying up every night waiting for Ikhwan to return from work:
"Tak mengantuk ke?"
"You do know you don't have to wait up. He can just leave you a text once he gets home"
I never have a definite rebuttal for moments like this.
I'm not doing this to get attention,
To tell people that i will be the best wife, i mean look at me now right?
No.
I don't even know why i don't sleep.
I'm sleepy as fuck,
& i get even more tired at work the next day.
You'd think I'd have learnt my lesson after the first night.
I guess to put some sort of sense in it,
Receiving that call from him at quarter past of whatever hour that he gets off every night,
Is like a cup of warm milk for some people.
Or brushing their hair a hundred times.
I guess it's routine.
& til you complete it,
It's never officially your bedtime.
& we're done with this sappy post.

Bulletin.

Random thought for tonite: MySpace bulletin board.
Remember that shit?
It's like posting a blog but it appears real time for everyone to see.
It used to be infested with surveys.
& these surveys used to have one part at the end where you name the people that you're 'tagging' to do.
MySpace was all about mentions & getting the most of everything.
getting mentioned on the bulletin board was cool, especially when it came from someone cool.
It's like that person wants everyone to know that we're buddies.
'Hey, i specifically typed your name'.
I remember one night it was pretty slow,
Not many people were online, somehow.
& someone rather cool, & pretty special, mentioned a list of people on the bulletin board to post a comment on his profile or something.
He was bored.
That list of people included me.
Now what's bad about the bulletin board is that it doesn't get saved on the person's profile or anything.
Once it gets to last page it'll disappear, forever.
I don't know why i suddenly remembered that tonight.
But i sure as hell wished I had printscreen-ed it.
I just.. miss you.
Which is not too odd i think.
I'm not even near wise enough to determine if this is a test or a gift from God.
These random spurts of feelings.
Tapi orang kata, sangka baik?
There must be a reason why I thought of you tonight.
Alfatihah.

2.5 million seconds.

I guess I can start saying my wedding is less than a month away.
I mean, today is pretty much over anyways.
Ever since I started officially planning for this wedding,
I've always wanted to just fast forward to this moment.
The one month mark.
& I guess I can say I'm exactly where I want to be right now.
Everything's pretty much done.
Just putting together small details here and there.
I can never say I wish I could sleep until the actual day.
I have enjoyed all this 'wedding stress' so much.
Honestly, if it's not about a wedding, I'd still be able to find a thousand & one other things to worry about.
So these past 11 months have been very enjoyable, having a fixed thing to focus all of my energy to.
Omg. We're a month away.
As much as I can't wait to be Ikhwan's wife,
I'm kinda sad that this whole anticipation thing is ending.
Like I said, I have totally enjoyed it.
It didn't go perfectly,
We've had fights where we screamed at each other, yes.
But at the end of the day.
Nah, not even that, just 5 minutes later, the thought of marrying this guy soothes my soul.
I wish we can do this every year.
Have a wedding.
Because I know for a fact Ikhwan's great at handling my bridezilla moments.
I mean, the only thing that'll come after this wedding is pregnancy
& we're still not sure what kind of person those hormones will turn me into.

Winding down.

14 days til my girlfriend gets back from Australia,
40 days to my wedding,
Fiance's cousin getting married this Saturday,
dreamt of a boy last night,
Completely forgot about it throughout the day,
An excellent purchase to start the day,
A great lunch,
Some in law family bonding time,
A productive day that went according to plan,
With some spare time for a movie before calling it a day.
I can't quite explain the feeling I'm having right now,
I like how things are going,
But i kind of want time to stop.
I wanna lay here in these thoughts for as long as i want to,
Without the time passing at all.
I want to bask in this feeling,
Especially knowing that i just saw that face last night,
& forgot all about it.
It's somehow amazing.
At least in this part, i have healed.

Borrowed.

& on this matter,
I shall borrow the words of an acquaintance.
Fithri Natasha's Journeys and Destinations
Nuff said.

Merajuk.

I can't remember (& am too lazy to check) whether I blogged or tweeted about relating my life to my love for certain bands.
But whatever it is, it's still going on.
I remember back in those days,
masa aku belum cukup matang,
& juggling guys just because I could
(oh admit it, infidelity is fun okay)
The part where you are so sick of your actual boyfriend,
& everything he does annoys you,
& you just refuse, REFUSE to let yourself feel anything for him
because you're convinced that this new guy you're flirting with (& is flirting with you) has got it all.
When you spend time with your current boyfriend,
but jokes the new guy cracked flashes across your mind,
& you have to hide a smile,
it's a beautiful feeling, hiding your own secret,
but at the same time feeling as if you're about to burst with happiness.
What does this have to do with anything?
Especially just 8 weeks before my wedding?
Honestly, nothing.




Ok aku merajuk sebenarnya.
I might be taking this whole 'The 2nd Law' thing too personally.
I gave the album 1 listen.
One. Listen.
Uno.
& I just can't.
I can't bring myself to listen to it again.
I can't bring myself to read Tom's tweets (coz he's the only one who actively tweets).
I can't even bring myself to see the new rehearsals/concert photos on facebook
(& Matt looks fabulous in one of it but I just can't)
Everything Muse just makes my skin crawl right now.
I feel like an irritated girlfriend who threw a tantrum but isn't getting pujuk-ed by the boyfriend.
So I'm just hating,
coz that's the only thing left that I have control over.

I guess I'm in the process of discovering my music side, if that even makes sense.
Or discovering myself through music.
I can't say The Used and Billy Talent has been flawless all this while,
oh no,
the difference between Billy Talent III and Dead Silence is staaaaarrrkkk.
It's almost like listening to Newton Abbot then straight away jumping to The Resistance.
Or something.
But I guess back then I was forgiving,
or loyal,
or just naive.
If it's a new album from The Used or Billy Talent,
bring it on.
Yes, I took quite a while to start listening to Vulnerable,
but it's a staple in my car now.
But Muse..
I didn't have to try to love Muse.
I know I've only been their fan, what, 5 years?
& even that, incidentally.
But I've never, ever had to try.
I put on their shit any time of day, any time of month,
my soul flows with it.
It resonates within me, & we're getting dramatic here.
But The 2nd Law?
I dunno, maybe it does.. just not yet.
I want to be able to say I refuse to, for now.
But truth is, I just can't.

Billy Talent, on the other hand.
Oh ho hooo..
They're the smile I'm hiding,
the happiness threatening to burst out.
But just like any lover you can have in your life,
you will always, always find even the tiniest thing that irks you.
I know I'll be crawling back to Dombie in no time.
Coz as much as you look yummy my dear Aaron,
your drums ain't the beat to my heart.



& this is why I equate bands to my love life.

Bergolak.

Queeny is getting married tomorrow.
I don't think I need to exactly explain how she & I are connected,
but it feels really close to the heart.
One might say I'm overreacting,
but gaddamnit I'm nervous as hell tonight.
Marriage is such a big responsibility.
I can't even begin to brain it.
& here I am, less than two months away.
I've been getting dreams these few weeks,
of waking up on my wedding day & realizing I have simply skipped all the time between now & then
& everything was left hanging as it is.
Which means my bajus aren't ready,
my bouquet unmade,
my hands inai-less,
& my accessories.. well, there aren't any accessories.
As if I'm not stressed out enough.
& tonight I'm nervous as hell,
thinking that tomorrow morning someone I know,
Queeny,
is going to be a wife.
Something I'm going to be in merely two months,
regardless of whether I'm prepared or not.
Well, to be honest, there's some excitement there too.

Daftness.

I'm still fuming over this.
So the fiance finally got the surat pengesahan status bujang thing from his company.
& i still find this requirement stupid,
Because a) guys can have 4 wives
b) shouldn't the jabatan pendaftaran negara have his records?
c) it probably makes sense to have the girl's status checked instead
And d) as if employers know that much about their staff.
Honestly, if you really want to know, get his best friend to angkat sumpah or something.
But hey, just saying.
So his application was finally complete & he went to get the approval of the jurunikah/imam of his kariah.
That fool commented on the fact that his letter was in English.
He went as far as saying if it were up to him, he'd reject the bloody application.
Like, excuse my French, what the fuck?
Kau tak paham English kau ngaku je la.
We are trying to do good here.
Kalau aku nk buat dosa, senang sgt.
Nak beranak luar nikah, anytime boleh.
But we're choosing to get effing married here.
& you idiots go to such trouble just to complicate the whole process.
Hukum ckp apa?
Pengantin lelaki, pengantin perempuan, wali, saksi, lafaz ijab & qabul.
Tuhan tak mintak pun surat pengesahan status bujang dlm bahasa melayu.
& kalau nak Islam sgt, awat tak mintak bahasa Arab je?
& getting back to the whole English thing,
What if the guy is a saudara baru?
What if he can't speak Malay for nuts?
Or anyone for that matter.
It's so embarrassing that a ketua agama in Malaysia has such a closed mind,
When Islam is not supposed to be restricted by race or language.
You're supposed to be attracting ppl to the religion,
Making life easier for the Muslims under your care.
You preach about how all men is a khalifah,
But you can't even be graceful to a person who wants to get married,
Which, by the way, is one of the most blessed thing by Allah.
It just irked me so much that something so petty as language became an issue.
& we all wonder why zina is so widespread & babies are discarded everyday.
If i wasn't raised right, i wouldn't go through all this stupid trouble.
In the end, its not like these fools, the ppl who are supposed to care about stopping sin, really care at all.
Like they say, kubur masing2.
Nauzubillah.

One step closer.

I wish I had written this post before Ikhwan finished work,
sebab as per the usual law of dugaan darah manis,
bila cakap dengan dia je mesti down.
For tonight, it's the whole issue of surat pengesahan status bujang from his company.
Nama je company besar tapi lembab buat kerja.
Aku pantang betul.
& seriously, surat pengesahan status bujang from a majikan?
As it they know their employees that well.
But I won't let this come in the way of me being in a good mood tonight.
Even though aku rasa sangat nervous nak rasa excited lebih-lebih ni,
for fear of jinxing it & something going wrong,
tapi aku nak share.
Because what I've learnt the most through this process of planning a wedding,
is that you only learn the proper way of how to do it after you do it.
So just now I went to meet the jurunikah of Masjid At-Taqwa.
Ustaz Zaki namanya.
Duduk dekat belakang sekolah,
Abah was obsessed with the fact that his house has a huge lawn,
& ada pokok manggis & rambutan.
Dalam gelap2 malam tu diorang boleh berborak pasal buah rambutan banyak,
satu haram pun aku tak nampak.
I got lucky calling Ustaz Zaki,
because he picked up on my first try.
Ikhwan, on the other hand, has been trying since semalam tak dapat-dapat.
Dia terus suruh datang rumah lepas Isya'.
Gelabah jugak la aku sebab borang tak isi lagi,
benda yang nak kena photostat pun tak photostat lagi.
Then lepas Maghrib and makan kenyang2, aku tanya abah apa plan.
Abah kata tunggu Uncle Kamarol roger.
Amboih. I felt like such a brat.
Nak pi jumpa jurunikah pun nak bawak cable besar.
Honestly I've wanted to contact Uncle Kamarol from day one,
tapi I seriously didn't want to feel like a brat,
tak mampu buat kerja sendiri, semua nak depend kat orang.
Uncle Kamarol turned out to be a blessing in disguise,
sebab dia yang jaga bab masjid sekarang.
Basically if you want to nikah at the masjid,
you don't only have to book the kadi,
you have to book the masjid as well.
Tak terpikir pulak aku.
So, Insyallah, since Uncle Kamarol yang jaga masjid, tu cowtim.
Ustaz Zaki pulak, dengan secara sipinya, dah ada hal petang sabtu.
& aku nampak dengan mata kepala aku dia tulis nama aku dalam planner dia untuk 15 Disember.
Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku, kau dah permudahkan urusanku sampai sini,
permudahkanlah ia sampai selesai semuanya.
Amin, amin, amin.
It then occured to me that I have confirmed the date I'm getting married.
I was sitting in front of the man who is going to help form the link between me & Ikhwan.
It was surreal.
Anyways, the visit to the jurunikah is basically to have him review our application & documents,
so that bila sampai jabatan agama nanti, takde la kena patah balik 2, 3 kali sebab permohonan tak lengkap.
& as of May 2012, they have revised the checklist (for KL la, negeri lain aku tak tau),
now you need to bring 2 copies of your IC & wali's IC (untuk lelaki, your IC je la).
Everything else sama je.
& regardless of whether both lelaki & perempuan dalam KL ke, lelaki luar KL ke,
he will have to get his pengesahan from the jurunikah of his kawasan first before the girl can get hers.
So make sure your man does his work, ladies!
I guess that's all.
Sebagai kata akhir,
omg kucing Ustaz Zaki comel nak mampos ok!
Dahlah domok!
Pastu emo orang main perut dia, nak cakar2 lak.
Aku pijak kang jadi carpet!
Grrrrr

Of powerful songs.

I rarely post lyrics here,
especially the lyrics to full songs,
because I find it annoying when people post lyrics and expect other people to read it & get it.
For starters, lyrics are empty without the melody,
without the vocalist emphasizing on certain words.
But this,
this I gotta post.
Because the words alone are so powerful.
This is Billy Talent for you,
my current love, my obsession.
Cure for the Enemy.


Time drifts through the sky 
Without a reason why 
We walk past the flowers 
Don't stop for a breath 
Until they're above our heads 

We used to fight 
Have we made amends? 
Father I just can't tell 
Watching you spent the time you have left 
Trapped in a cold blue bed 

In darkness we'll rest 
Count the days down to one last breath 
In darkness we'll rest 
So forgive what you can't forget 

We said that we would call 
But we never spoke at all 
The years drifted by 
We've built up these walls 
For reasons that seem so small 
If this is the end, let's bury the past 
This might be our one last chance 
Together until the last grain of sand 
Has dropped from the hourglass 

So open your eyes 
Open your eyes and don't forget to breathe
If we lose the fight 
If we lose the fight your spirit will live through me 
It's time we make right 
It's time we make right the pages of history 
Until we find 
Until we find a cure for the enemy 
All those you've loved 
All those who've died 
All we have left is what lives in our minds 
All those you've loved 
All those who've died 
I know their spirits are up in the sky 

All those you've loved 
All those who've died 
All we have left is what lives in our minds 
All those you've loved 
All those who've died 
I know their spirits are up in the sky 

So open your eyes 
Open your eyes and don't forget to breath
If we lose the fight 
If we lose the fight your spirit will live through me 
It's time we make right 
It's time we make right the pages of history 
Until we find 
Until we find a cure for the enemy 

In darkness we'll rest 
Count the days down to one last breath 
In darkness we'll rest 
So forgive what you can't forget 

(In darkness we'll rest) 
All those you've loved 
(Count the days down to one last breath) 
All those who've died 
All we have left is what lives in our minds 
(In darkness we'll rest) 
All those you've loved 
(So forgive what you can't forget) 
All those who've died 
I know their spirits are up in the sky 

In darkness we'll rest

& when you hear the actual song,

*brain explodes*

Pengecualian Bayaran Balik Pinjaman PTPTN

I feel compelled to do this.
Sebab kalau nak harapkan badan-badan kerajaan ni tolong kita & senangkan hidup kita,
memang tak lah.
So we shall help each other, okay?
This is regarding PTPTN.
Perbadanan Tabung Pendidikan Tinggi Nasional.
Specifically on Pengecualian Bayaran Balik Pinjaman,
for those who graduated their degree with a first class honours.
Kalau anda-anda semua tengok dekat website PTPTN,
it's written there that the salinan ijazah and transcript kena sahkan dekat "bahagian akademik IPTA/IPTS".
That's total & honest bullcrap.
The actual pengesahan they want is from UNIT REKOD PELAJAR & KONVOKESYEN.
Kalau anda-anda orang UiTM Shah Alam, ni pejabat yang dekat menara, atas post office tu.
Tempat kita ambik mini transcript, etc.
Please do not make the stupid mistake of mine for fully trusting PTPTN & their information.
As for the surat permohonan,
if you're lazy enough to actually ask from someone,
leave me a comment & I'll email you mine.
I hope this helps.

Rindu.

I actually successfully forgot about 23rd September,
made it through about half an hour of it blissfully watching a movie with Ikhwan,
until Imara whatsapp-ed bluntly saying 'it's Izwan's birthday'.
My first thought, honestly, was 'you idiot, imma smack you!'.
My second reaction was feeling glad I didn't do the same to Kin both on Afiq's 8th year and also birthday.
Because it was honestly annoying.
& it's not annoying because Imara reminded me,
but it was annoying because it hurt.
I have managed to brush aside, suppress, forget and erase most of my thoughts about Izwan for quite some time.
Reading back my previous posts, I actually wasn't emotional during his birthday last year.
But this year,
urgh last Sunday it came back full force.
I guess it's due to my occasional freak-out-ness about getting married end of this year,
& also because suddenly there are pictures of him everywhere.
I'm scared if I stare at them too long or too much, I'll start getting those dreams of him again.
Ah, the dreams,
it's a whole different matter altogether.
The reason why I'm still blogging about someone I wasn't even particularly close to,
5 and a half years after his death,
is because I lived a whole other world with him in my dreams.
Dreams in which I felt his touch & his presence lingers long after I awake.
Now I know I write like someone who's in love,
& maybe at some point I crazily was,
because sometimes these dreams of him was the only thing that made sense.
But what's worse is I love him much more than that.
He was like a brother to me,
a younger brother I never had,
& for a good part of my life,
I've lived believing he will eventually be my brother,
even if it's just by law.
So, tonight, accompanied by songs that will be played during my wedding soon,
I'm typing this,
because I'm at a risk of staring at pictures of him if I don't do something else,
& praying that I will see him tonight,
& every night that follows, if I can get away with it,
until I go mad,
or until he comes & takes my hand for good.
Because I miss him this much.
You silly thing, I know you're in a much better place,
& that Allah loves you so, so much.
Al-fatihah.

& secara bad timing nya, Endlessly is playing.

Stand Up and Run.

Getting lost in Billy Talent's Stand Up and Run tonight.
It's such a heartbreaking love song.
I'm allowing myself this one moment of weakness,
because it is the only thing that makes sense to me.
With Ben's voice,
& the simple, familiar strum of the guitar,
one can't help but be swept up with the mood.

You come to a point where you are actually conscious of each feeling,
you are not sure whether it's due to maturity, or simply familiarity,
but you know no matter how deep or how long you allow yourself to feel it,
it's never going to hurt you,
because you have finally been able to grasps the reigns,
& make it dance to your tune.

It's much like the moment when Harry finally was able to control the visions he had of Voldemort's thoughts.
You just don't understand how you used to struggle with it,
now it's second nature.

& I'm adding this because Billy Talent wouldn't be Billy Talent without a stabbing lyric or two.
"If the compass strikes then follow your heart,
And I hope it leads you right back into my arms"

Kun fayakun.

Rambles: dreams.

one of the posts on freepeople this week is on dreams.
dreams & their meanings.
the post itself was nothing much,
but one comment triggered me.
i dream almost every night,
or more like every time i sleep.
sometimes i wake up to blankness,
but i believe it's just because i forgot the dream,
rather than not dreaming.
i think it's the one thing that truly defines me as a piscean.
i know these horoscopes thing is haram in islam,
but for me it's not really about predicting my future,
it's really about how i identify myself.
if you ever read those traits associated with horoscope signs, i'm a piscean through & through.
i get vivid dreams.
i used to be so influenced by it,
i sometimes make decisions based on it,
it used to bother me a lot.
the dream i wake up to each morning will most probably determine my mood through out the day.
but nowadays i think i've learnt to live with it.
i don't ponder on it so much anymore,
even though i still get one every now & then that really stirs my emotions & make me question where i am in my life.
but i don't act on it anymore, i think i've grown up from that.
i don't think i've ever had recurring dreams,
but i do have patterns.
the most obvious is nightmares or horror dreams,
usually if i've overslept,
or have slept through maghrib,
i'd get really spooky dreams.
& then there are those really deep, really vivid ones,
where i actually lose my sense of reality,
(usually i know when i'm dreaming, & i'm aware of my actual physical state)
these vivid dreams will usually cause me to oversleep,
because i will pursue whatever i'm doing,
or is happening to the end.
& as the dream progresses i'd get more disappointed as things get more complicated,
& i'd wake up late as hell for work,
& frustrated for not being able to finish it.
back when i was still studying,
i actually used to just go back to sleep and finish the dream.
which is what the user commented on the freepeople blog,
yes i actually used to go back to sleep and continue a dream.
i never thought of it as an ability or a skill.
but i guess dreaming, or remembering a dream after waking up itself is an ability.
though i would rather just think i have an overactive mind.
i used to be gifted with dreams of a friend who has passed away,
i held on to it for far too long,
until it consumed me, & i was unable to let go after years of his passing.
i prayed to god to stop it, & it did.
but to give up on dreams altogether,
i don't think i could ever.
it's not much use,
but it's pretty interesting.

Let's talk about music for a change.

I love music.
I can't drive without it.
I believe I'm a better driver when I'm in tune with the music that is playing.
But I'm always intimidated when it comes to talking about it,
because I know nothing about music.
I've never had formal lessons,
I don't know how to read notes,
heck, I don't even know instruments & how to tell them apart in a song.
But what I do know is how it makes me feel.
Good music revives my soul,
it makes me feel warm & soothed,
& today, listening to Billy Talent's Dead Silence,
boy am I soothed.
Yes I'm 10 days late.
I saw those posts on Facebook,
& I noticed that they've started touring again,
but it honestly didn't click.
My god am I oblivious this time around.
But my brother just passed me the album,
& so far every song is such a nice surprise.
After The Used's experimental, futuristic stuff,
& Muse's sappy Madness & dubstep-ness,
Dead Silence is such a relief.
It's the kind of tunes that a solid 4-piece band should produce.
It may not be packing surprises, or taking your mind to other realms beyond,
but it's good ol' rock.
& oh my god, it's like a good brownie on a sucky day.
I'm crapping,
but it's because I have fallen head over heels in love with Billy Talent (& Ben) all over again.
I'm currently listening to Crooked Minds,
& somehow it's like a summary or recap of their past albums & sounds,
it's all so familiarly comforting.
I've been cranky this past few days,
& each song that comes on my MP3 player or in my car just makes it worse,
I know I want something,
but everything I already have isn't it.
Until today, until this.
I might just buy this CD.
Thumbs up, guys!
You've saved my soul.

If I am rich,
I wouldn't want a flawless 30 carat diamond ring,
I wouldn't want a Vera Wang dress,
I wouldn't want thick, elaborate invitation cards.
I'd want flowers.
Eustomas.
Peonies.
Hydrangeas.
Poppies.
& baby's breath.
Everywhere.
I don't care if they're out of season.
I don't care if I need to charter a plane to get them here.
Heck, I'd fly myself to Sweden & go pick wildflowers.
If I am rich, I'd totally do that.

Grass is greener.

I went to Nilai 3 yesterday,
& let's just say that a lot of things got crossed off my list,
& we're also that much poorer.
This whole Nilai 3 thing has been going on since Saturday,
when 3/4 of the 5 Alfa besties reunited.
Na, the wise, pregnant one, was giving advises on how to make the best of Nilai 3,
& today while discussing via twitter on all the damage done yesterday,
she mentioned about blogging all the details about planning this wedding.
The idea sounds awesome, honestly.
I know as soon as the wedding is over I would want to look back & relive these days,
but I'm just so sick of hearing myself talk about the wedding.
I'm not one to be blabbing about how much I love my fiance,
& I don't really like to mention good things either,
for fear of it being taken away,
so I always end up complaining,
which makes me sound like such an ungrateful bridezilla.
It doesn't help that I'm pms-ing so bad,
at one point I actually felt like going into my soon-to-be "married room",
& just curl up in my wedding things,
because I'm feeling so terrible I can't imagine feeling happy ever again.
(I call it the Dementor's presence).
Then I received a whatsapp.
& almost instantly realized that one of the joys of being a bride-to-be,
is getting a chance of shifting the focus away from ourselves & celebrating someone else.
my best childhood friend, someone I consider as my bigger sister,
is getting married one week after me.
Eeeepp!
I was so excited I blabbed so many things,
I felt like dragging her everywhere I've been & just shower her with everything I've wanted for myself.
I am so excited for her that I completely forgot about my own wedding,
& the world felt so light.
My shoulders felt so light.
I'm not saying I envy how things turned out in her life,
but it's so dreamy,
& she really deserved every bit of it.
I'm so happy for her.
We literally grew up together,
I lost count of the nights I spent at hers,
& the endless hours of talking we used to have.
We swapped diaries,
talked about boys, talked to boys,
(bathed together),
from primary to secondary (& walking back from school together) to university,
& now this.
We haven't been inseparable or joined at the hips,
but one thing you always have with someone you grew up with,
is a connection that lasts a lifetime,
& I know I can always count on her to be one of the few that knows me best.
Now I really hope things turn out great for the both of us,
& that I get to attend her wedding (I'm praying really hard for this).
Congratulations, sis!
:')

Worries.

You know what sucks?
I think 90% of this 'wedding stress' thing that every bride say they feel is just us worrying about how things will turn out on the real day.
We have had probably 20 years to dream about this day,
& that's a lot of details that could go wrong.
What if my dress fit me horribly?
What if my hair don't turn out right?
What if the flowers in my bouquet wilt?
What if i actually don't get the flowers i want?
God please don't rain.
& zits, omg they pop out at the worst times don't they?
Typing this all out, they made me feel so shallow,
& self-absorbed.
But, really, day after day all i could think about is just how this is my one & only shot at having my own wedding,
Having things my way,
& having them all exactly how i want them.
Yes all flowers are pretty,
But today i want those specific flowers.
& those zits, or anything at all for that matter, I'll have to look at them in pictures my whole life!
It's just.. scary.
Then i got to realize how these has taken the joy out of planning a wedding,
Of being engaged.
I actually had this thought in mind,
That weddings are all magical only to little girls who show up on the day itself to their cousin's wedding,
Seeing her get dolled up,
& everything looks pretty,
While the bride is probably just relieved that it's finally the day,
& maybe even exhausted from not being able to sleep the night before.
It's honestly scary.
I keep reminding myself to enjoy the process,
To refer to Ikhwan as my fiance as much as possible,
Because this phase I'm going through now is once in a lifetime as well.
I have to stop focusing so much on just one day,
& putting too high of an expectation on it.
One thing i notice brides on GWS always say is that some things will definitely not go according to plan, or simply go wrong, on the real day,
They always say to enjoy it,
Enjoy the day,
Because it'll be over before you know it.
& i guess they should know best,
Because personally, looking back,
I have learnt & realized so much since i got engaged myself.
So, fingers crossed.
Semoga perjalanan ini dirahmati Allah hingga ke hujung nyawa :)

For some of the best wedding/marriage advises worth keeping in mind,
Confessions of a Bride.
"keep calm & enjoy the process"

Lebaran.

So we're done with yet another Ramadhan.
I feel genuinely sad this year.
I've been feeling it for a few days already,
but at the sound of the Azan Maghrib just now,
it really sunk in.
First & foremost,
I'm going to really miss the rhythm & order of Ramadhan.
The days were so teratur, like I had a fixed timetable to follow.
& not to mention ibadah was so much easier to do,
it was so calm.
I'll admit I haven't been the best muslim,
especially this year.
& what I'm most afraid of is going back to my old neglectful ways in the days to come.
I haven't felt this way in a long time,
when I'm late at performing a prayer I'll feel restless & unsettled,
& I don't want it to fade away ever again.
Next, of course, is my wedding.
I've been putting off quite a lot of things to 'after raya'.
& the day after tomorrow is already officially 'after raya'.
I'll need to go send my baju nikah,
nag at Ikhwan for him to send both his baju nikah & sanding
then I'll need to follow up with the tailors to make sure they get the clothes ready with enough time to send it for beading,
I'll need to pay my mak andam,
tempah curtains for my, oops I mean our room,
get the stuff for the door gifts,
& not to mention I'll have to keep reminding Ikhwan to ambil tahu about his side of the kenduri as well.
& the part I hate most about all of the above is they all will need to be paid for.
Boss oh boss, anda tak mahu naikkan gaji kuli finance anda ni ke?
Horhor
& last but not least on this list of my after raya worries,
is food.
I know it's not much,
but I managed to lose 3 kgs this month.
& obviously it's much nicer to be on the happier side of 55 rather than on the worrying side.
I am honestly lazy when it comes to exercise.
It doesn't help that I finish work at 6,
& what with travelling home and changing,
it just feels like it's not worth it to go for a walk with so little time left before Maghrib.
I know, I know, wake up earlier & go jogging before work.
But.. sleep is life!
Anyways,
the raya food horror has already begun during buka puasa just now.
We had all the raya food mama cooked this morning,
& naturally my perut Kedah couldn't be satisfied.
I can eat all the nasi impit and ketupats in the world,
I can assure you i'll be hungry again within half an hour.
I need my rice (no, nasi impit is NOT rice).
& despite munching on nasi impit & ketupat & nasi impit & ketupat again since Maghrib,
I'm still going to bed hungry.
Tomorrow is going to be hell.
I foresee cooking some sambal sotong by Asar.
Urgh.
Regardless,
raya is suppose to be a happy, victorious day for us.
I guess I'll really start worrying about dieting & finances the day after.
Selamat hari raya to you who's reading this,
maaf zahir batin if anything I ever wrote hurt or offended you in anyway.
Much love :)

Ingin ditekankan di sini bahawa proses hendak berkahwin itu tidak glamour!
Ianya lebih kepada kepokaian,
Keserabutan,
Worrying about forms & test dates,
& 100% stress tanpa sebab yang konkrit.
Atau mungkin itu hanyalah aku.
Hurrr.

the story, part 3.

It is more than normal for people to berangan in Ikea.
I know some might not own up to it,
but cmon, who doesn't layan some fantasy about how one would want their house to be,
& especially who to spend it with.
But I guess what I experienced that day can't really be classified as berangan,
or I would rather think of it that way, lol.
Now that weekend,
I was third-wheeling in Ikea.
I was with some friends, & they were newly in love,
& my current interest was all the way in Kelantan.
So naturally I was focusing more on the furniture.
I have always fancied four poster beds,
especially after getting obsessed with Harry Potter.
So that day, arriving at the beds section, my eyes went straight to it,
this simple white four poster bed.
I'm almost positive I imagined the drapery hanging around it,
in fact, it's hard to imagine how exactly it looked that day,
because in my head I only saw one image,
that is that bed sitting in a room with the windows thrown open,
it was breezy and bright,
& us, Ikhwan & I in the middle, just chilling, enjoying each other's company.
I remember growing silent at that time,
I remember my friend saying something that was supposed to be funny,
I remember not being able to react.
I brushed the bed lightly, a revelation coming to mind.
Now I know this all sounds so horny,
me daydreaming of us in bed.
But honestly that day, all I saw was a life I could choose to live,
I could see myself living it.
With him.
I guess it makes sense for me to say this,
I was at that point in my life just getting out of an intense relationship that was nearing the 1 year mark,
& immediately prior to that, I was in another relationship, also serious,
& which was very emotional for me, since I was fifteen.
I was, am, known to almost everyone who knew me as someone who wanted to get married.
Every time I am asked what is my ambition, I would say to become a full time housewife.
I just, always wanted to get married.
& at that point, the whole getting to know Ikhwan,
I knew he would most probably end up as another bitter ex that I had a serious relationship with,
because I am never capable of just dating someone.
& it occurred to me,
jodoh is not about finding someone perfect and forcing him into our life,
fighting to make it work, worrying every day.
I'll build a strong friendship,
work towards a marriage,
& if he's still there, & the circumstances permit it to happen,
then he's the one.
So on that day, in front of the white four poster bed,
I decided on Ikhwan.

“A few times in my life I’ve had moments of absolute clarity, when for a few brief seconds the silence drowns out the noise and I can feel rather than think, and things seem so sharp and the world seems so fresh. I can never make these moments last. I cling to them, but like everything, they fade. I have lived my life on these moments. They pull me back to the present, and I realize that everything is exactly the way it was meant to be.” – A Single Man

freepeople

the story, part 2.

So much has gone on since I wrote my last post that I actually moronically forgot about yesterday.

What with going to PKNS then Plaza Alam Sentral then OU,

& spending so much money in a day it's not even funny anymore,

that when I sat down for dinner with Ikhwan,

& he asked me 'so I guess this is our celebration?',

my head was actually blank.

So where did I stop?

Oh.. the very next day after he added me & we talked all night,

I bumped into him at the library in UiTM.

I will never, ever forget that awkward wave and goofy smile he had on his face.

Up to that moment (even after the uncoolness of the night before),

I always thought he was, well, cool.

Or at least collected.

He's this quiet guy in class,

speaks really good English, and steadily, during presentations,

& always had a book with him.

Naturally I would think a girl can'f faze him.

Apparently I had. Lolz.

Our first date was my doing actually.

I got a call from Vivian regarding a survey in KL,

& as she always did, she asked me if I had any guy friends my age who could go.

The first person I thought of was him,

so I call him up & asked 'you nak dating dengan I tak?' (there wasn't any point in beating around the bush),

& he agreed.

Oh.

The story of how I gave him my phone number was so busuk that I guess I'll save his face by not telling.

(Yes, sayang, I still think it was a tactic & it was lame as hell).

So.. up to the point of our first date I was still unsure about this.

I remember regretting quite a number of time before and during the survey.

I was scared it'd be awkward,

I was scared I wouldn't enjoy his company in real life as much as online,

I was scared I wouldn't like him,

& it didn't help that he arrived late,

so I was kept waiting for a while & we were late to the survey,

my two greatest pet peeves.

But we talked nonstop that day.

We went to a bookstore,

& had teppanyaki,

he sent me home,

& we met up with my friends & they loved him

or at least Pet loved him.

Then he had to go back to KB for raya,

& he went back to being the online best friend that I enjoy chatting with.

Until I took a trip to Ikea with some friends.

the story, part 1.

Originally I wanted to post this on Saturday,
but this Saturday seems awfully packed,
I foresee laying dead after berbuka (or whenever we actually reach home).
& I'm in the mood anyways.
So enough of my mukadimah.
This Saturday, 15th Ramadhan, will mark 2 years of my friendship with Ikhwan Arif,
according to Islamic calendar of course.
Now where do I begin?
I say friendship because, if I were to be honest, that was how it started.
I was smitten at first,
angau like hell sampai ponteng terawih every night nak chat punya pasal,
but I knew it was all because of the thrill of the moment,
of getting to know someone new,
of clicking at go.
But I didn't really feel it could last.
I remember quite vividly thinking at some point, this guy is definitely my new best friend.
(hambek kau Ikhwan kau kena friendzone bhai awal-awal)
It's funny how things fell into place,
how just a few days before he added me on facebook,
I actually stumbled upon his profile.
His name was odd, he didn't have the (Ikhwan Arif) thing beside his profile name yet,
& his picture was small.
But 2 things happened at once the moment I saw his profile,
first, I thought 'wtf is his name? sounds like a planet'
& second, I immediately knew who he was.
Then a few days later Nadia turned to me in class with that annoying, miang smile of hers,
& asked me if anyone added me on facebook the day before.
I said no.
She told me to go home & check again.
& I did.
What I found was... confusing.
You see, Nadia is terrible at keeping secrets, especially when the secret is a piece of very juicy gossip,
so I immediately knew whoever it was who added me must be trying to masuk line,
but there it was, the friend request, displaying that weird planet name.
My first reaction? Dude I'm being punk'd.
So I did the most obvious thing to do, I left a comment on his page.
He had this weird story about how he had an imaginary girlfriend, yada yada yada,
I knew he was trying to explain to god knows who why his status was set to 'in an open relationship' previously.
He changed it to 'single' just before he added me by the way.
Lame doh sayang, obvious gila you nak ngorat I.
He replied my comment within minutes,
& miraculously we clicked.
We talked for hours that night.
Just commenting on that pathetic status of his.
Yang paling lame nya, he kept asking his friends to check out his profile & see what was going on.
Excited much?
So yes, all this contributed to my rather shallow feelings for him at first.
Dah lah pelik, kecoh, tak cool, minat John Mayer.
Memang tak lah.
But it's amazing how things could turn out when He wills it.
:)

Countdown.

Counting down weeks.
Hari-hari hati tak tenang.
Makin dekat masa,
Makin fragile rasa nyawa.
Makin bergetar rasa jiwa.
Sekarang baru rasa betapa setiap saat tu milik Allah.
Kalau dipikir apa yang boleh jadi,
Jadi gila.
Moga-moga nanti tercapailah matlamat bernikah.
Jumpa ketenangan.
Amin.

Stored data.

Malam ni, of all things, nostalgic pasal MINC.
bukak balik gambar bukak puasa merangkap birthday encik akbar,
lebih kurang lengkap jugak lah gambar dalam tu,
semua ada.
paling rindu kat ecah and uncle.
sorang tempat aku bertenggek time bosan,
partner buat ctc,
geng tapau kat makcik,
& also teman berkongsi duka lara dalam pantry sekangkang kera tu.
lagi sorang pulak, duduk opposite aku,
toksah cite lah,
bila sejuk, leather jacket uncle jadi mangsa aku.
entah dapat contact balik ke tidak, especially untuk jemput hujung tahun ni.
uncle takpe lagi, ada je dia kat MINC tu aku rasa.
tapi ecah?
hilang entah ke mana.
susah-susah aku pergi tuntut kat rumah kak fara.
jalan aku masih ingat (terima kasih brain capacity).

ah ramadhan.
kelemahan aku time ramadhan ni satu je lah.
rindu yang datang memang bukan-bukan betul.
dari siang lagi aku dah rasa pelik-pelik.
tenang bersilih sayu.
presence yang makin kuat, makin tangible.
sampaikan bila mula terawih dengan mama abah tadi,
had to blink back tears.

whatever it is,
here's to my last ramadhan as a single girl.
moga dapat reflect diri,
perbaiki banyak-banyak,
& istiqamah.
sebab what's waiting on the other side of this ramadhan,
tak tertanggung bahu ni sebenarnya.
the journey to,
& also fulfilling the role of
being
"the completing piece to your half".

& this is how freepeople makes me tear up at the office.
Saturday DO
:')

Revived.

The existing cabinet in my room was at a risk of breaking & toppling over my aquarium,
The plank which the aquarium was sitting on was bent,
& on top of that there wasn't enough room to keep my books.
So naturally i bought a new cabinet.
One thing lead to another,
I ended up washing my aquarium.
It's embarrassing to be admitting this,
But it's been years since i last washed it.
Literally, years.
The most i did was sponge the sides & did a 3/4 water change.
I was convinced that as long as the snails are breeding,
The water quality is good.
& maybe it is,
But the part where my aquarium sits has become such a depressing area.
I lost interest in my fishes completely.
I fed them twice a day,
Topped up the water when it recedes,
I even took my own sweet time in cleaning the filter,
Often leaving the water not filtered for a week or more.
Then i bought a new cabinet.
I made myself wash the aquarium.
Surprisingly it took much less time than i anticipated.
It definitely wasn't that difficult.
& the result,
Oh my.
I can't stop staring at it.
Honestly for almost 2 years, maybe more,
I completely forgot how fascinating an aquarium is.
I now remember how i could just stand in front of it for hours just looking.
How crystal clear the water is,
How the fins of the fish change colour as the light catches it,
How their tail sway,
Even the rocks look so pretty.
I can't get over it!

so the shoes headache is over.
at least, for nikah and my side of the kenduri.
but now it's handbags.
there's either the cheap, flimsy looking ones for rm70 and below,
or the branded ones ridiculously priced at over rm300.
aren't there decent ones for, say, rm120?
i don't even know what brands to start at.
charles & keith is just.. bleh.
ever since that place existed in malaysia, i have yet to fall head over heels with an item,
be it shoes or handbags or wallet.
it's always like.. yeah it's nice,
but i can so get something else i'll love more & for less elsewhere.
like primavera, for example (hihihi).
maybe it's just overrated.
& talking about overrated,
why am i so stressed out about what i put on the dulangs?
it's almost as if there's a clear set of rules of what to put on.
i mean cmon, i just bought a perfume set for god's sake.
i'd better still be this much in love with the beat in 5 months' time.
i guess i gotta sit myself down & have a long talk on needs vs wants.
vs impressing people/abiding to what society thinks something should be.
it definitely isn't anyone's problem if i wanted the entire muse discography on my dulang right?
it's not like i'm asking you to pay for it.
that would be epic though.

Exes.

this week's freepeople's ask brian is on exes,
particularly staying friends with your exes.
& it's a topic very close to my heart.
because i'm cool with all of my exes.
all.
& quite a number are my best friends now.
it's something i'm very proud of, & in some cases i tried quite hard to achieve it.
(it didn't help that i was the one who broke up with most of them lol).
somewhere in the explaining and answering, brian said something about maybe that person is ok about being friends with the ex because it wasn't anything serious,
like it's just someone she dated or had a fling with,
so it's easier to go back to being friends.
but for me, honestly, i take each relationship seriously.
yes, the whole imagining our wedding, our life together & what we'd name our kids shit.
i just can't help it,
my ultimate goal in life is to get married & be a fulltime housewife, remember?
but for me, & i guess what i see in my sister & parents as well, is that the very base of the relationship should be a good friendship.
it's like how apisan always say,
'of course i like you. if i didn't, why would i want to be friends with you?'
so at the very base of it, each of my relationship is a good friendship.
& friends isn't something i'd want to lose easily.
you've taken all that time to get to know a person, & in return let that person know you,
to just let it go would be, well, wasteful.
i'm a very clingy person in any relationships.
he's the first person i think of for anything,
from scary trips to the clinic/dentist, to simply getting something to eat, & even to lingerie shopping.
if i can get away with it, i'd live joined at the hip with him.
because he's my best friend.
his opinion is what matters most, his presence is what calms & excites me most.
so i'm glad i got to meet a guy who truly understands this (at last).
& he's still really good friends with his ex too.
he understands that these guys were in one part of my life when he wasn't,
& there are things that only they would understand because they experienced it with me,
& sometimes i just need their view or their reassurance on it.
but of course these guys will never get to go through the most important experience with me,
the wedding & marriage :)

I contemplated whether to just add these photos to the previous post
Or to even blog at all.
But i gotta blab somewhere,
& it's easier to post a new blog on my phone rather than to figure out how to edit an existing one.
Omg gws is killing me this week.
These shoes are gonna make me cry!
& they're proof!
Blue & feathers.
Brilliant!

More shoes.

remember my rant on not knowing what kinda shoes i want to wear for my wedding?
well, i've been stumbling, & lookbook-ing, & tumblring, & god knows what else-ing for inspiration,
& i kinda noticed one particular type of shoes keeps catching my eyes.
i like that it's simple, & subtly so pretty.
no labucis, no brooches thingy, no frills, no ribbon etc.
it's classic.
& gws just had to feature it on their friday favors this week.
i swear to god.
so, i guess it's decided?

(btw, the new blogger does make uploading pictures easier. yays!)

Clarity.

at times i get so overwhelmed by the realizations i get,
the amount of it,
the rapidity of it,
the strength of each feeling.
it's like suddenly everything makes sense,
& it seems silly to even wonder in the first place.
it's just enough to keep me assured,
but not too much that i grow too confident.
honestly, it's pretty nice.

Paranoia.

i remember right after the accident,
back when i was in part 2 of diploma,
i got so paranoid of anything happening to me,
& people not knowing or not having the means to contact & notify those i love,
i actually made an 'in case of emergency' list & pasted it on my board.
i listed out all the important people to me,
& all the phone numbers they have.
family, boyfriend, best friends.
all.
i remember proudly announcing it to my roommates the day i pasted it on,
& told them who each & every one of them were.
i remember listing it out in order,
the top being the first to call,
& the next name is in case the first was unreachable.
i should start that again.
i've grown content & safe.
i shouldn't.

Shoes.

today imma talk about the wedding.
i feel like i haven't been ranting about it for so long.
at least not here.
before i get sidetracked,
i just love the fact free people was featured on gws.
well, the bridesmaids wore free people dresses & it was mentioned on gws.
but still,
sometimes the 2 blogs are complete opposites,
but they have majorly influenced my life so much,
& it's almost emotional seeing one within the other.
& i'm growing sappy.
so yeah.
one thing i have been agonizing so much about is my shoes.
i'm not going to say heels yet 'cause there's no law saying a bride has to wear heels.
i just gotta find the absolutely perfect pair of flats that even imara can't say anything about,
but then they're flats,
she's gonna go berserk.
but forget about flats.
i can't even find the right heels.
& we're that far away from perfect.
i have one in mind,
& it's a miu miu.
which is so not me (the miu miu, not the design).
other than that i'm just..
bleh.
the thing about gws is there's rarely a bride who wears matching bridal shoes on that site.
or maybe there are none at all.
this latest post with the mention of free people, she's wearing a freaking terompah-ish heels with snake-skin-ish large straps thingies (yes, i don't know fashion, & i don't give a rats ass).
i see a lot of them with boots, oh yes, them southern weddings.
then there are heels with peacock feathers, bright red booties, pink, electric blue, you name it.
just not whites. no diamante crap.
& i don't know if i'll be able to pull it off.
i love shoes.
every time i go out i will definitely fall in love with shoes.
i want to be able to buy something i'll love,
that is comfortable,
& that i can wear again & again & not look awkward.
i just haven't had the time to really look,
to really think,
& consider my options.
most importantly,
i gotta sit imara down & tell her to not be like whoever she is from twilight managing bella's wedding & forcing her into those ridiculously high & painful-looking, extravagantly ornamented pair of white heels.
oh fuck this.
i'll just wear my favourite sandalipper (the black sandal slipper i wear everywhere, get it?)

Sealed off.

i'm an extreme kind of person.
i don't know how to go halfway, or to balance things.
it's always all or nothing for me.
but lately i would rather to just not deal with everything.
or at least, with this.
& i can't even say i'm glad, or even comfortable, because really, what am i feeling?
it occurred to me on the day muse released the 2nd law's trailer.
i was excited, yes.
i can't wait, totally.
but then i thought 'eurgh this is going to be so tiring. i'll set this aside until september'.
like wtf.
i don't set aside muse.
nobody sets aside muse, bitch.
but i did, successfully.
until i was scrolling through the artist list on my mp3 player,
craving for mando diao but the files are at home & the internet is so blardy slow,
that i actually stopped and pondered on muse.
it was like opening a locked door, which i do have the key to, but am just too afraid to see what's inside,
or too lazy to deal with the emotions that i know is going to come tumbling down
(imagine a closet door being opened in a sitcom and crap comes crashing out).
as much as i have been questioning myself whether to live or to feel,
i've never actually had the option.
i've been living.
& as much as i say i'm so used to whatever feeling it is,
i haven't been feeling it in a loooong time,
& going back would mean waking up at 5 am to one of the worst news i've ever received,
& crying my eyes dry for probably the next 3 months,
& not being able to even be left alone with my own thoughts.
going back would be me curled up in a fetal position on my bed,
just... hurt.
& what stumps me every time is why do i even feel all this?
after a while i just got tired.
of feeling.
of not having an answer.
of myself.
& listening to absolution today out of my own free will,
(it's hella good, oh god matthew, you're out of this world)
i realized the question is not about choosing between living or feeling,
it's whether i still want to carry this, whatever this is, along with me anymore or not.
i know i will eventually have to drop muse.
like a bad habit.
cold turkey.
& i'll be relieved.
but for now i'll just delude myself to thinking i'd be able to let it off gradually.
(which i don't, because there's never a going halfway for me. i'll one day just delete my entire muse folder & never look back).

i don't even know what to equate muse to.
it's a collection of dark clouds.
literally.
matt's voice sounds so heavenly in my ear right now (i have to keep the other ear free for office conversations),
but look at all the things that i've written.
muse is a period of time so dark for me that i can't even see any happiness in it anymore.
not matt, not bing, not dom, chris (well, chris & his kids, yes, a bit), not the 2nd law, especially not the old albums.
not even the gay love fantasy between matt and dom.
not even the sense of belonging i feel whenever i realize i'm a motherfucking muser.

it has come to such a simple conclusion,
muse hurts.

Repekkan.

so. bored.
i don't even know why i'm writing a blog,
but honestly i've exhausted all other forms of entertainment.
i was stumbling for god knows how long.
& stumbling isn't something i've been doing for a loooong time.
tadi i was overwhelmed by a sudden rindu ilhan shahid-ness.
to explain, well i perez hilton-ed kate hudson & saw pictures of her gomol-ing bing,
& just.. gerang! (gerang is layla's version of geram btw. no, aku tidak gersang).
then i read yaya's paris post & all about marie antoinette,
ergh tidak mahu berfikir.
let layla stay as layla & ilhan as ilhan.
aku lapar,
but i shouldn't be complaining sebab nama pun perempuan jadi hal ganti puasa ni tak dapat nak elak kan?
lagipun, hilyah, ni last awak nak puasa sebagai bujang, insyallah.
tahun depan mana tau tak boleh puasa sebab morning sickness ke,
low blood pressure ke,
jangan sebab bernifas sudah la ye.
horhorhor.
omagah what the hell am i crapping about?
post tiada inti.
macam karipap kosong mama buat untuk layla yang telah menipu aku selasa lepas,
confident nak goreng karipap untuk buka,
last-last pi pasaraya beli nugget balik goreng 6 ketul.
wuwuwu ni baru betul puasa dalam status bujang :P

The guy who wrote this knows Matt really well. Maybe too well.

Exit Planet Bust - Are Muse Blasting Out Of The Record Industry?

Via Natalia.

Eurotrip, down on the equator.

this week has felt so incredibly long that suddenly it's friday & time has flown so fast.
i don't quite know how to explain it.
maybe because it feels so long that when it's finally the end of the week, it feels surreal.
a great deal of this is due to the fact that i've sort of been dreading this week.
since for as long as i can remember,
which is the day my brother in law got the call from celcom regarding their winning a eurotrip,
i've had countless conversations with my sister about her not wanting to go,
her worries about leaving her kids,
etc.
& suddenly their departure day was upon us,
& i was a vulnerably raw, occasionally sobbing, hormonal wreck.
i cried watching cars on tuesday, ffs.
& now they're on their way to paris, which is their last stop,
& they'll be back in less than 72 hours.
i swear to god i'm going to have withdrawals of the babies.
moments like thursday morning where both of them woke up during subuh,
& started crying so much my mum had to dump ilhan in my room,
& i ended up falling asleep while tepuk-ing him on the floor of my mum's room.
i'm not going to boast & say i did so much,
or did it all on my own,
but i'm kind of proud at how well i know the both of them sometimes.
like the time when layla was so sleepy but was fighting from falling asleep,
as usual she grew grumpy,
& started crying at the top of her lungs when she saw me sitting on her stool while doing my work.
i literally just forced her to lie down,
shoved a teddy bear at her,
made her milk,
turned on youtube,
& quarter way through her second song (& 5 ounces of milk), she was dead asleep,
for a good 2 hours, or almost.
but regardless,
i have missed my sister,
& i hope for nothing else but for them to reach here safely, & in one piece.

Layla tanya aku "mama mana?"
It's the question I've been dreading since even before my sister left.
Terkedu & tak ada idea,
Aku jawab "mama bobom."
"Takla.. mama pergi Europe."
I've really underestimated these kids.
Both my sister & I.
Mama's right, they won't just be fine,
They'll be so overindulged that by the time my sister gets back they'll probably not want to go home at all.
I hope things do go this smoothly for the next 11 days.
(Fingers crossed for not jinxing anything)

Full moon.

Perlu rasa beruntung ada seorang tunang untuk dirindu.
Perlu bask in this feeling selagi Tuhan bagi masa.
Walaupun perasaan-perasaan ni datang cuma sebulan sekali,
Perlu bersyukur ia masih ada,
Ia masih bernyawa.

"Jangan kau ragu aku masih di sini
. . .
Jangan kau ragu aku masih bisa lagi"

Weight.

dah lama tak ber-muse untuk blog.
i didn't properly blog about the engagement,
nor my convocation,
& any little things in between.
twitter has a way of limiting what you want to say to just 140 characters right?
& if it exceeds that limit, it's not worth saying at all.
it's bad.
i constantly find myself in front of the laptop,
fingers poised over the keyboard,
trying to string words together.
but instead what goes on in my head are just buzzings,
detached words jump out & disappear almost instantly,
& emotions, racing.
i always visualize myself vomiting all this out,
(not unlike puking rainbows)
& have someone understand, completely understand, & not judge.
it's like sitting in silence while i weep into a soggy tissue the night before my best friend flew off,
the only thing that made sense was cafuné.
i'm sorry to say, dear blogger, that you might have been replaced with BBM.
:(

Staying up way past my bedtime because my mind & my eyes are retaliating
(the heart might have something to do with it too).
All I can say is, eff you freepeople horoscopes.

Vitriol

"But what about the many days that she would have to live with the fear of imminent death?

Dr Igor pondered the arguments long and hard and decided that it didn't really matter. She would consider each day a miracle, which indeed it is, when you consider the number of unexpected things that could happen in each second of
our fragile existences."

Veronika Decides to Die, Paulo Coelho.

Teman berbual.

I say some pretty insane things sometimes,
& their consequences can be rather costly.
Such as lying wide awake past bedtime,
Losing count of the number of times i refresh our thread on facebook messenger.
It's easier to tell yourself to just go to sleep for another 3 weeks,
Than actually doing it.
Especially when you're wide awake.
I honestly don't know what I'm looking for,
But i know it's usually the first night that is the toughest.
I suppose it's safe to say the countdown begins.

Sudah kena choptwit.

I should probably try posting pictures on this new blogger thing,

Hopefully it's not as leceh as dulu.

So, because really, what else would I talk about?

I'm engaged!

But sadly pictures are in my phone, facebook & Imara's camera.

Nantilah okay

When I'm not too mamai I will try downloading the pictures

& use it to try out the new (hopefully improved) blogger.

But whatever it is,

I am glad the day turned out how it did.

Despite tidur yang sangat restless (kept getting dreams that I forgot to do this & that),

& terjaga pukul 6 pagi sebab Indi (the bb) jatuh katil,

& tidur balik sambung mimpi-mimpi cemas,

& lastly bangun pukul 10 lebih dalam keadaan puyeng.

Walaupun bergelut dengan rambut, tapi hasilnya sangat puas hati (for amateurs like us),

Tetapi make up sangat best, first time vain tengok gambar sendiri sebab cantik hewhew,

Thank you so much Imara Natchiar!

A free and easy meet between two families,

& demam Layla yang menyebabkan Yaya tak jadi hantar dia & Ilhan ke rumah nenek,

So my family was complete.

First time dapat bunga dari saudara Ikhwan (hewhew lagi).

Banyak sangat gambar best sampai taktau nak pilih buat profile picture,

& macam-macam lagi emosi & memory yang dah bercampur baur & bertindih sampai aku rasa macam aku berterabur sekarang ni.

Oh god do I need sleep?!

But honestly, thank you all,

Syukur to Allah swt for today.

<3

sorely missed.

Honestly?
April 3 post je? (campur ni, 4).
Sampaikan blogger dah baru pun tak sedar bila.
Tadi duduk bercerita dengan mama pasal kawad wilayah pagi tadi.
Kadet Polis yang kalah tu mama kata,
mungkin sebab ketua platun dia buat banyak mistakes,
& naturally apa semua yang mama cakap lepas tu dah tak berapa register dalam otak,
yang terbayang cumalah awak,
berdiri tegak,
baju kelabu, seluar biru gelap,
dengan selempang awak,
mantap, tegap.
Tapi sampai part kawad statik, awak bantai tak buka barisan.
nasib baik awak menang, awak tahu.
Nasib baik pergi jugak Kuala Kangsar tu.
Nasib baik saya ikut.
Sebab ini, ini-ini semua,
benda-benda yang paling jelas saya ingat pasal awak,
sampai sekarang,
& mungkin bawa ke mati.
Mungkin sekarang perangai saya nak tolak jauh-jauh je segala.
Dengar abah cerita favourite kitten mati kena baham kucing jantan,
pendam, simpan, tolak jauh-jauh.
Dengar jiran-jiran meninggal,
paling-paling pun berair mata sekejap,
lepas tu pendam, simpan, tolak jauh-jauh.
Tapi bila sampai cerita pasal awak,
kalah.
Entah kenapa.
What are you to me?
It's a question I still fail to answer.


Ahh.. sekarang aku tahu kenapa terasa tadi,
kenapa melancholic.
Al-Fatihah to yet another friend of mine,
Edzuan Zakaria,
I'm so very sorry I didn't do as I last promised you.
You'll be sorely missed.

rsn.

kesyukuran itu datang dalam rupa seorang jejaka,

yang mungkin telah kehilangan terlalu banyak,

tetapi masih berupaya untuk memberikan lebih banyak.

buat aku,

memaksa aku,

berfikir dalam-dalam, masak-masak,

tentang apa yang aku perkatakan,

persoalkan,

apa yang aku fikirkan, juga, walaupun tidak diluahkan.

kesyukuran itu datang dalam rupa seorang kawan.

mungkin inilah hikmahnya anda dah dua kali kena cancel,

sebab aku masih belum cukup belajar,

masih belum cukup sedar.

risau nanti awak di sana, di sini aku lupa.

the most basic things,

a father, a mother, a future husband,

a life protected, catered for,

don't forget to be thankful.

Updates.

almost two weeks of no blogging.
malas pun ada,
takde point pun ada gak.
updates on wedding stuff: dress dah tempah & kebaya dah beli.
sesungguhnya Semua House & Jalan Masjid India itu adalah syurga pengantin.
2 weeks to go to the day.
project jahit bunga kat alas dulang dah tergendala mungkin seminggu, mungkin lebih.
same goes as bersenam menguruskan badan.
mama got busy, i got lazy.
& ramai pulak jiran-jiran tetangga yang passed away.
the most shocking was Pakcik Tembon.
sampai sekarang terbayang lagi muka dia, terngiang suara dia.
aside from daddy, dia la pakcik dalam taman zaaba yang aku paling ramah sekali.
juga dia sangat cool.
itu lah dia, ajal & maut.
silalah, please, appreciate semua yang ada disekeliling sekarang juga.
duduk saja-saja pun diorang boleh pergi.
oh & lagi satu, Pn Ilmiah pun passed away jugak sama hari dengan Pakcik Tembon.
agak terduduk aku semalam masa dapat tau.
walaupun tak pernah belajar dengan dia,
tapi aku ingat dia sangat-sangat.
al-fatihah untuk semua.

Earth Hour

i was so restless that i actually picked a fight with ikhwan over no valid reason,

& after watching the earth hour video someone random posted on facebook,

i realized what i was so annoyed about.

that is some comments i read on twitter & facebook regarding this whole event.

some people actually went to the point of saying things such as

'oohhh so you think switching off you lights for 1 hour will make so much difference to the earth?'

yes.

it damn well will.

that's the problem with human fucking beings.

you think you're the centre of the fucking universe.

you litter, you leave taps running, you throw away food,

always thinking 'alah sehelai tisu je, what difference would it make?'

well let me put it into perspective for you.

why don't all 7 billion of us on this planet go and throw one piece of tissue on your front yard?

or better yet, why don't all 7 billion of us go and give you 1 tight slap each?

i wonder what 7 billion slaps would do to a person.

interesting.

i'd like to think i was raised well.

i almost, almost.. came close to it, almost broke up with a guy just because he threw out a piece of plastic out the window of my car.

no worries, i did eventually break up with him.

& that happened 5 years ago,

so no, i don't forget these things.

so please.

every time you selfishly think you are insignificant enough to be blamed for all these problems our world is having,

please remember there are 7 billion more of you.

(& remember the 7 billion slaps on your face)

dah layak tukar nama blog ni jadi 'hai, saya nak kahwin'.

looking at everything wedding just hurts right now.

from rings, oh so beautiful rings,

to dresses, oh so divine dresses,

to shoes, oh so pretty shoes,

to my bank accounts, oh how empty you are.

perhaps the biggest dilemma right now is the dress.

do i rent both?

do i tailor both?

do i tailor 1 & rent the other?

if i buy ready made, will it fit me well?

how about the fabric? the quality of the sewing?

& if i were to tailor, will i know how to buy cloths?

& how expensive that's going to be, lace & all?

who's going to sew it then?

how expensive that will be?

will she be able to create what i have in mind?

what if she screws it up?

& honestly, the list goes on.

whoever said money can't buy happiness certainly has never planned a wedding.

i'm not saying a grand showy luxurious wedding will secure lifelong happiness,

but it sure as hell will save about 8 months worth of paranoia, headaches, heartbreaks,

& worse of all, worry.

& to me that's happiness enough.

so..

kakak aku selalu cakap orang kahwin ni murah rezeki.

korang sponsor sikit sana sikit sini pun lega dah hati cheq.

sorang belanja kain lace, sorang belanja beli kasut, sorang belanja hantaq beading.

paling-paling hangpa spend 200 untuk aku.

nanti turn korang memang confirm aku tolong,

aku dah rasa dah hancuq hati macam mana tengok dress comei tapi tau tak mampu.

please?

(sedih gila weh bunyi. hahahah)

the thing about being 'reunited' with my fifteen year old self is that,
it makes me realize i don't feel the slightest bit of shame,
or amusement, of her,
such as 'aww look at her so naive, she thought she had it all figured out'.
honestly, i wouldn't mind turning out how she wanted me to.
i swear to god she's a much better person than i am now.
if only i listened to her,
instead of leaving her behind,
too caught up with growing up.


#np - Linkin Park's Meteora.
the thick of it all,
the simplicity,
oh the simplicity of it all.

the Ikea realization, everyday.

sometimes i realize that each episode of this,

whatever this is,

be it watching a love story,

dealing with uncertainties,

or worse, mood swings,

always follow a specific pattern in a story line,

that is beginning with a question,

which invites uneasiness, doubts, fear,

then climaxing,

into utter panic,

into despair,

sometimes even a made-believe resolution,

only to shortly dissipate into realization,

& calmness,

& knowing for sure,

that this is what i'm meant to be.

the completing piece to your half.

#24

Mula-mula rasa macam malas serta tak ada ilham nak blog.
Tapi since it's only 11 am,
& Ikhwan is a loooong way away from picking me up for lunch,
& aku lapar tahap mamat meja sebelah ni boleh dengar bunyi perut,
maka mari menaip (to drown out the noises).
So I'm 24 now.
This is the first birthday in a veeeery long time that I was actually excited about.
Aku pun taktau kenapa.
Padahal plan asal untuk tunang hari birthday aku tak jadi,
so technically I should be even more down, if not depressed.
Tapi since 15 haribulan (kot. Ke awal lagi ntah) hati dah debar-debar.
16 haribulan tu toksah cerita,
macam-macam idea timbul dalam otak untuk balik awal sebab feeling kerja dah langsung takde.
On my birthday itself, aku tak adalah nak celebrate over-over buat party bagai,
because honestly, originally my day was supposed to be spent, like I said, getting engaged.
So dari dulu dok berangan pagi tu nak bake la masak la kemas rumah la,
then after everything is done nak panggil yang rapat-rapat lepak Rasta or something makan cupcakes yang aku berangan nak bake.
Tapi what actually really happened on the real day was even sweeter.
To begin with, I got to celebrate for 2 whole days.
& I got personal, intimate time with each of those that actually matters.
Midnight was McD with Imara & Apisan,
lepas tu Ikhwan slept over,
& hence begins my 2-day feast.
Breakfast nasi lemak belakang sekolah lauk daging (kecur air liur immediately),
lunch dekat Tony Romas dengan bakal suami,
milkshake & weird sandwiches at Plan B,
kenduri kahwin yang buffetnya awesome serta menggunakan guppies sebagai centrepiece (yang ni memang ingat sampai mati),
burger ramli tengah malam sebab Shy tak belikan McD masa balik dari dating,
(0h yeah, juga Sunway Vivaldi yang awesome-mana-aku-nak-carik-2.2-million?)
lunch ketam with babies around,
starbucks & red velvet cake yang tipu masuk neraka (nasib baik kawan Kina saved the day hantar red velvet cupcakes yang tak tipu insyaallah masuk syurga),
lunch ketam lagi with even more babies,
sushi tei with Wan,
& last but not least meatballs with the March babies (& sorang April sesat).
Seriously, aku ingat balik pun aku amazed.
I managed to fit all that in my freaking tummy.
Nampak sangat birds of a feather flock together,
sebab semua yang ajak jumpa stock ajak gi tempat makan tak agak-agak,
except for Kina la, tu pun sebab dah kena paksa lunch kat rumah dulu.
But above all, I just love the fact that people actually made time to see me,
& take me out doing what I love to do best,
which is eating.
Thank you!
Here's to 24!

the pwoper wishlist

I know I don't need to do this,

tapi sukatilah, ni blog aku.

I just realized I haven't really written a proper birthday wishlist post.

& since whatever I wished for in my first post tak jadi,

here I am selling myself :P

I actually have a 'to buy' list in my phone (that is ever growing, mind),

so I'm going to refer to that.

What I need, first & foremost, now is a trip to the dentist.

I swear to God I'm disgusted with myself right now tapi tiap-tiap bulan rasa macam budget tight sangat.

Babynyiaw, kalau I guna savings kahwin untuk pergi dentist boleh?

Bakal bini you jugak yang nak cantik nanti kan?

Horhor

Next, I need a new laptop coaster/cooling pad.

Tapi yang macam meja tu.

Sebab aku punya kaki dia dah patah :'(

& I need a new phone!

Nokia torchlight pun jadi lah.

My other phone (not you, Ollie) dah bisu & annoying sebab bila orang call taknak bunyi.

Menyampah kat hang.

I also need a new cabinet for my books (yang dah bersepah 1 rumah) serta untuk menampung aquarium ikanku.

Oh pastu bagi peminat setia Hanis Zalikha, hangpa mesti tau.

Aku nak the Korean nose pack yang dia baru post tu,

& also her collagen dust thing.

Kalau dapat kulit macam Hanis Zalikha tak payahlah mak nak tempek foundation tebal-tebal bersanding nanti.

Huuhuu

Lastly (dalam list ni lah) I want a new radio for my darling Bells.

Sebab cassette dah obsolete, sayangku.

& wiring hang dah tunggang terbalik, sat kuat sat pelan.

Tapi aku jugak terima apa jua pemberian dari segi makanan & wang ringgit.

Kalau nak sponsor aku kahwin lagi best :D

Makin lama makin logic kan birthday wishlist aku?

Ini namanya kematangan.

(Juga sebab Matt Bellamy dah ada anak *nangis)