One ending.

It's my last day of work today (since it's already Friday),
In Ocision, at least.
I'm not particularly sad about leaving the company,
But I'm sad, & borderline freaking out, about leaving the routine.
The freedom of waking up past my clock in time
(Work starts at 9, I typically wake up at 9.15)
The short drive to work,
Taking the stairs up & still panting everyday,
I'm scared I'll lose my mind not having a job.
I think I've grown a lot in the space of 11 months.
I remember while doing my internship,
& during the process of job hunting,
I kept thinking 'oh my god I'm going to be working for like, forever after this,
There's no more looking forward to a definite end like it was during internship'.
That thought really scared me,
Because at that point, my whole life was lived according to these deadlines, these milestones.
Looking forward to the next school holiday, to the next big exam, to SPM, to results, to uni, to the end of each semester, to the end of internship.
Then suddenly there I was, joining a company for an infinite amount of time,
Until I feel like quitting, or is terminated, or retired.
I was so scared of feeling trapped,
Like I was going nowhere, not accomplishing anything.
Trapped in a daily, monotonous routine,
& not having a definite 'end date' to look forward to.
But these past few weeks since I've tendered my resignation,
I can't help but be scared of not having this routine.
I was actually surprised when I came to realize it,
That as much as I didn't enjoy my job,
I enjoyed having a job.
Having a routine.
& the 'not enjoying my job part' dissipated rather quickly the moment I started handing over my tasks to my colleague & training her,
I started realizing how important these tasks were,
& how much work I was actually doing in a day,
& how most of how it works was created by myself.
Even if I'll never get a recognition or praises on it,
I actually felt accomplished.
& it makes leaving that much harder,
Because I actually felt like I wasn't done with the company.
I wouldn't mind staying.
But then again, it could just be rose tinted view,
Since I don't do any work in the office anymore.
Let's just hope I don't go mad in December,
& that my plans work out ok, Insyaallah.

Retrospect.

Kau tau kenapa aku begitu sangat sungguh pasti dengan Ikhwan?
Al-kisah bermula pada tanggal 29 Febuari 2012.
Dipendekkan cerita,
Dalam perjalanan aku ke sebuah gig di The Curve,
Aku terserempak dengan jejaka idaman Malaya.
No, well, jejaka idaman aku.
Di mana I had him at hello lah.
Atau lebih tepat lagi, saat aku nampak dia & dia nampak aku & jaw aku dropped sampai lantai tanpa cover.
Sedang berborak rancak sambil langkah kaki seiring menuju destinasi sama,
Telefon aku berbunyi.
Ikhwan.
Dalam se-instant otak aku berfikir,
"Dia mesti dah habis break & nak masuk office balik. Kalau aku tak angkat ni sekarang alamatnya tunggu dia habis kerja baru aku boleh cakap dengan dia. Angkat. Angkat. ANGKAT."
Saat aku toleh ke jejaka idaman tadi dan berkata "sorry I've got to take this",
I saw the fire leave his eyes.
Tapi yang penting hati Ikhwan terjaga.
Bila aku fikir balik,
Later that night,
Berbulan kemudian,
Malam ni,
Aku selalu rasa macam nak sepak diri sendiri.
Aduh Hilyah you had it going so well.
Paling busuk pun mesti dapat one night stand punya lah.
HAHAHA statement kan?
Tak.
Saat tu,
Later that night,
Berbulan kemudian,
& malam ni,
Aku sentiasa tau that answering that phone call was the most worth it,
most defining moment of my life.
Ikhwan, I choose you.
*presenting pokemon ball miahaha lame*

Clockwork.

My friends, or one particular friend, on me staying up every night waiting for Ikhwan to return from work:
"Tak mengantuk ke?"
"You do know you don't have to wait up. He can just leave you a text once he gets home"
I never have a definite rebuttal for moments like this.
I'm not doing this to get attention,
To tell people that i will be the best wife, i mean look at me now right?
No.
I don't even know why i don't sleep.
I'm sleepy as fuck,
& i get even more tired at work the next day.
You'd think I'd have learnt my lesson after the first night.
I guess to put some sort of sense in it,
Receiving that call from him at quarter past of whatever hour that he gets off every night,
Is like a cup of warm milk for some people.
Or brushing their hair a hundred times.
I guess it's routine.
& til you complete it,
It's never officially your bedtime.
& we're done with this sappy post.

Bulletin.

Random thought for tonite: MySpace bulletin board.
Remember that shit?
It's like posting a blog but it appears real time for everyone to see.
It used to be infested with surveys.
& these surveys used to have one part at the end where you name the people that you're 'tagging' to do.
MySpace was all about mentions & getting the most of everything.
getting mentioned on the bulletin board was cool, especially when it came from someone cool.
It's like that person wants everyone to know that we're buddies.
'Hey, i specifically typed your name'.
I remember one night it was pretty slow,
Not many people were online, somehow.
& someone rather cool, & pretty special, mentioned a list of people on the bulletin board to post a comment on his profile or something.
He was bored.
That list of people included me.
Now what's bad about the bulletin board is that it doesn't get saved on the person's profile or anything.
Once it gets to last page it'll disappear, forever.
I don't know why i suddenly remembered that tonight.
But i sure as hell wished I had printscreen-ed it.
I just.. miss you.
Which is not too odd i think.
I'm not even near wise enough to determine if this is a test or a gift from God.
These random spurts of feelings.
Tapi orang kata, sangka baik?
There must be a reason why I thought of you tonight.
Alfatihah.

2.5 million seconds.

I guess I can start saying my wedding is less than a month away.
I mean, today is pretty much over anyways.
Ever since I started officially planning for this wedding,
I've always wanted to just fast forward to this moment.
The one month mark.
& I guess I can say I'm exactly where I want to be right now.
Everything's pretty much done.
Just putting together small details here and there.
I can never say I wish I could sleep until the actual day.
I have enjoyed all this 'wedding stress' so much.
Honestly, if it's not about a wedding, I'd still be able to find a thousand & one other things to worry about.
So these past 11 months have been very enjoyable, having a fixed thing to focus all of my energy to.
Omg. We're a month away.
As much as I can't wait to be Ikhwan's wife,
I'm kinda sad that this whole anticipation thing is ending.
Like I said, I have totally enjoyed it.
It didn't go perfectly,
We've had fights where we screamed at each other, yes.
But at the end of the day.
Nah, not even that, just 5 minutes later, the thought of marrying this guy soothes my soul.
I wish we can do this every year.
Have a wedding.
Because I know for a fact Ikhwan's great at handling my bridezilla moments.
I mean, the only thing that'll come after this wedding is pregnancy
& we're still not sure what kind of person those hormones will turn me into.

Winding down.

14 days til my girlfriend gets back from Australia,
40 days to my wedding,
Fiance's cousin getting married this Saturday,
dreamt of a boy last night,
Completely forgot about it throughout the day,
An excellent purchase to start the day,
A great lunch,
Some in law family bonding time,
A productive day that went according to plan,
With some spare time for a movie before calling it a day.
I can't quite explain the feeling I'm having right now,
I like how things are going,
But i kind of want time to stop.
I wanna lay here in these thoughts for as long as i want to,
Without the time passing at all.
I want to bask in this feeling,
Especially knowing that i just saw that face last night,
& forgot all about it.
It's somehow amazing.
At least in this part, i have healed.