i wish i can just say this

really mean it

& live the rest of my life happy.

but then nights like last happens

unfamiliar dreams, unfamiliar feelings, unfamiliar (unidentifiable) faces

& i miss you

the anchor to my reality.

though the last line sounds completely ridiculous

because reality is, you are no longer here

& what i claim as my "anchor to reality"

is actually a world of lustful fantasies.

you,

my friend,

have successfully driven me to insanity!

one for you tonight.

even though, after almost four years

i still don't know whether i want to go left or right.

i don't want to decide.

& tomorrow makes full four years

of the day i last felt truly, truly invincible

like nothing could ever go wrong

ever

boy was i so, so wrong.

vigilantcitizen

so i was destined to "tergerak hati" nak baca this article tonight. usually i just go "mehh not another link on the news feed. whatever. *scroll scroll". & not to mention i usually am not interested in these illuminati/freemason discussions because i personally (used to?) believe that these concepts are actually made up by whoever's behind it just to distract human beings from other, totally unrelated, more evil schemes that they have or is currently planning.

but (of course), i was hooked on to this article when i stumbled upon the word "MK Ultra". for all of you (if there's any of you who actually reads my blog) who does not know, MK Ultra is the seventh track on Muse's latest album, Resistance. & it is also one of my most favourite song from Muse, ever. i mean like, i cried when they played this song during their concert last year. (ok fine i lied. i cried during Starlight, but it was right after MK Ultra so it still counts haha). anyways.. MK Ultra, the mind control secret programme that they were conducting you-know-where circa 1960s. i have wikipedia-ed it when Resistance first came out, but didn't spend that much braincells reading it. all i know is it was a mind control programme, i think some of the experiments involved chemicals (i don't know why mercury comes to mind. i'm so lazy to go wikipedia it again) & some guy actually committed suicide after being poisoned, jumped off a building, things like that. it's all fuzzy.

anyways.. reading that whole article, it was actually scary. i mean, i'm not saying i'm all illuminati-obsessed now. i still have my doubts. but the so-called "experiments" they conduct, how they treat their "test subjects", it's all possible. hey, there's even bigger freaks that walk the face of this earth, so i am not surprised. & then it makes me wonder if by writing the song MK Ultra, will Muse be labeled as one of the supporters, like how that article says Paramore (& some others) is. i don't want to go poke around, i am scared of what i might find. (if you follow this blog, you'd know how strongly i feel about Muse. i'd probably murder anyone who dare speak badly about them. what do you expect, i fucking cried during their concert remember?)

but then again, if they were really a supporter, i doubt they'd sing about the grand plan & put it as the title of the song right? right? whatever. i doubt it. i don't remember Matt, Chris or Dom ever being obsessed with their eyes or a butterfly.

(. . . then suddenly the song butterflies & hurricanes comes to mind. *dun dun dunnn. haha shup up hilyah)

whatever. this post is getting uber long. point is, the article's an interesting read, i think i agree with the notion that these mainstream American (oops, i said the 'A' word) artiste are preaching about mind control. i mean, as much as Justin Bieber only goes "baby, baby, baby, oh~~" in his song, the melody IS stuck in our heads from the first time we heard it right? goes to show. oh & i know Bieber's Canadian. shut up.

so yeah.. if you've read til here, good on you! now go read the article. i've got to warn you though, it's much longer than this post. hahah

this is why i'd rather just be silent most times.

shake my head

shake it away from me

so that one day (not unlike today) i don't have to eat the words back.

when i've got other more important things to do.

third week of classes is officially over. i am not so much swamped, rather lawnmower-ed by assignments. it's as if the lecturers are afraid we would miss studying & staying up late finishing work after we start internship, then graduate. as of now, out of 7 subjects that i am taking, 4 already have a semester-long something to do. like arranging a trip (since, ehem, i am the project manager's girlfriend, technically its my project too) plus writing out a paper for real estate, & a portfolio management "role play" thingy (which will end with a report & presentation & god knows what else) plus an individual paper to write. the only thing i am excited about so far is the BEL report we're doing. though i haven't quite read all the journals i am supposed to be reading now, but still i am excited.

enough of lame, lifeless things.

ah what a surprise. other than school, i don't quite have any other things to talk about. so i'll go on about school.

it has been a rather eventful 3 weeks, being lawnmower-ed aside. so far i've been going to class with ikhwan everyday, except for one day in the first week where we woke up late or something, so he couldn't come pick me up. That in itself is eventful enough, actually, the whole going to class with, & in class sitting beside the boyfriend everyday. right now any hint of demotivated feelings or pure depression can be cured just by glancing sideways. it helps A LOT, for someone who last semester only managed one week, out of the fourteen, without skipping any class at all.

but yeah. really, enough of ramblings.

explosions; explosives; exploding.

today was unbelievably emotionally taxing, & i'd write about it if it isn't already 2349hours.

i have successfully procrastinated my BEL report research & corrections for the proposals, so i shouldn't even be typing this right now.

but my fingers are itchy.

in case you're wondering, no, whatever happened today does not have any relations to procrastinating BEL work.

it involves lots of precious notes though.

lots. in their thousands.

& as much as i know it isn't my fault, i can't help but feel like a high-maintenance brat of a daughter.

i am just really glad i was born into this family of mine,

& chanced upon ikhwan somewhere along my path,

sina too, of course, for needing to go to bank islam.

loves.

undigestible.

so according to Natalia, Matt & Kate H. is expecting a baby.. she's 14 weeks in.

i have confirmed this with perezhilton.com (where else?), who linked the news to US weekly.

so i suppose this is very true.

ooookay..

i am going to go be undepressed.

what? who said i'm depressed?!

shadap!

I. AM. NOT. DEPRESSED.

disturbed, maybe.

not depressed.

oh god i CANNOT imagine Matt as a father. Chris is the father. not Matt.

oh god.

ladies & gentlemen, this is XKCD.

oh.. fai would be so proud of me!

in case you're reading this,

Selling for rm2 at pet safari ikano power centre. Alah.. kedai ikan paling best kat curve.. hurry! I don't know how long they'll be available.
:)

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countdowns.

25 days to the 4 year mark of the day i fell to my knees,
& never quite learnt how to stand up again.

26 days to the first anniversary of BNO Singapore.

now that i really think about it, Singapore feels like such a bad idea.
i am going to be utterly depressed for not just one, but TWO whole days.
at least i already know what i will be wearing to class.
(let's just hope there's no eyeliners involved).

everything i do, i do it for you...

thank you.

what made you think people are going to continue (honestly) caring about you once you've screwed them over?

hah. lesson of 2011 well learnt.
& probably the most important lesson to be learnt, ever.
even if it's just in the head.
at least, at least :)

when there's an itch, we scratch.

reminder to future self (& future husband):

future home's floors will be of light colour materials only. like birch, white marbles, etc. strictly no parquet!

this is due to the fact that i shed worse than a cat under stress. parquets (which is what my room floor is made of) spectacularly camouflages all these hairs (& dusts). i want to see my mess! so i can clean my mess! (i told you once i pop i can't stop!)

p/s to the above-mentioned future husband:

can i buy that really cute broom-and-dustpan set from tesco? sweeping about 15m² of space with a brush-and-scoop thingy isn't funny.

in case you're wondering, yes i am lazy enough to go all the way downstairs to get the broom & dustpan. now shush.

small, beautiful things.

i know by posting this, i'll be like everyone else who's so excited it's a new year & does everything they can to show that they're really trying their best at whatever resolution they've set. well, for starters, i do not have a resolution set. if i feel like i need to change into a better person, i wouldn't wait for a new year to do it. with that said, i assure you i am not an egotistical, self-loving bitch who thinks i'm perfect. i just... don't see the point of new years resolutions.

but after a partially depressing holidays & last 2 months of 2010, last night's post-midnight gtalk session what a real eyeopener. "it was a year full of small beautiful things" was jepp's reply to my not-so-subtle whining on how i can't seem to come up with anything worth highlighting about 2010 other than Muse in singapore & meeting ikhwan. & he was right. i wont go into details, because i myself haven't completely assessed the year in this regard. but what's for sure is i positively feel more matured compared to the first of january 2010, & that just shows that i've at least learnt something throughout the year.

i wish i can feel this content everyday though. eventhough my day started really late (woke up at 3 something pm, nice), i productively tidied my room, vacuumed, rearranged some stuff, all the while listening to random songs (& not being affected by it), had a nice dinner (where adik adorably pointed out how a year & a day ago the 3 of us were at maulana together), then tidied the room some more (once i pop, i can't stop, i swear to god) & finally re-stitched a pair of pants that were supposed to be fixed maybe 2 years ago. i am really proud of myself today. haha

maybe that's why everyone (me included) can't help but be excited about new years. because as much as we can't kid ourselves that everything will be alright just because it's january first all over again, it's nice to feel like you can start anew. at least if my mum were to question me why i am suddenly so rajin, i can give her the lame-ass excuse of "it's my resolution to keep my room tidy". let's just hope she doesn't read my blog :D