The endless summer that is 2020.

I have been so excited to write the 2020 recap.

Probably since October.

Because if there was a year tailored to me, this is it.

Couldn't stop thinking of how this year is like the perfect, endless summer. I'm sure we got as much rain, but I can only remember the sunny days. We didn't even get haze!

I've had my husband working from home pretty much the whole year,

I've had my family grounded, unable to jet off (& regularly causing me anxiety),

I've had the silence and routine I so craved.

Lol! I haven't really been able to say all that out loud because yes, 2020 has been super tough to most people, in unimaginable ways.

But this is me, truly thankful & truly content, we've made through another year intact.

Ok now let's go month by month, coz if a year deserved that, it's 2020.

January. Izzaz started kindergarten. Peace for me as I had my mornings truly free. The countless jalan & breakfast session with mama, nursery trips, or just sitting peacefully in silence at home.

Also Fai, Zura, Ikhwan & I took all 6 kids to Melaka for a weekend for arwah pak ngah's tahlil. Yaya Apis was somewhere in Europe, & mama abah went to Ipoh.

March. Celebrated my birthday the day before MCO started, went for steamboat at the Curve & it was deserted, just the way I like it.

MCO was a big adjustment, but what I loved most about it was the clear blue sky & the river (that's usually more like a longkang) behind my house got crystal clear, there were fish & even a turtle. And the silence. I will never forget the silence. Penchala Link was completely empty, there wasn't any karaoke coming from bawah jambatan, or the random shouts from Rasta everytime there's a football match. I could hear only crickets at night & it was the best thing ever.

By Ramadan, things we're more relaxed. I drove to Mama's house every evening to cook together & packed food home to buka puasa with Ikhwan.

End of April. Our lives were touched by covid when my dad's friend passed away from it. He's the guy who was responsible for giving my parents the opportunity to go for haji last year. He literally made it happen for them. & then this year, just like that, he's gone.

Raya was, one word, calm.

June. Myplantpotters. I didn't think I could bond with Imara any closer, but I did. This time we got professional & started a business, even did an interview thingy at one point. But all in all I just enjoyed the trips to the nursery with her. As always, she's the one who gets me best, even when it's random plant talk.

July. Izzaz went back to school, followed by Hilwa. It's a whole new world with SOPs & whatnot. But the kids did it, they went back to school for close to 3 months without incident. Then some people had to go & screw all that up.

August. The Taiping trip for abah's & Izzaz's birthday. Didn't expect Hilwa to enjoy herself so much. She was asking to go to Taiping for a few weekends after.

October. CMCO this time around we couldn't care less. This is when the padang at 6pm routine started. We'd make sure we go most days, even if it's drizzling. The kids got to witness the life cycle of frogs, from eggs to tadpoles to adult. They've also established their own gang with some regulars. They've picked up basketball, dodgeball, skateboarding, God knows what else. They come back sweaty, stinky, & with their shoes completely soaked. & I can't be happier about it.

We also started spending weekends at Ngoh's house in Putrajaya. The kids will be in & out of the pool countless times throughout the day, & we'd take them for walks along the lake. Before they know it, 2 days have passed & they haven't watched any TV.

December. Imara started working for New Attention & hooked me up with freelance writing for both their english & malay sites.

Which brings us to the end of the year.

Of course, I'm pretty bummed that the kids didn't get to experience school fully. All the lawatans & sports day we missed. I'm pretty worried about Hilwa getting left behind academically too (coz I'm not patient or rajin enough to teach her at home).

I kinda miss Golden Sands, & it's been 20 months maybe since I met Kak Gayah.

But thank God for technology man, imagine if this happened 20, even 10 years ago.

I'd rather just focus on the positives. I know I have a lot to be thankful for, more than most people, so Alhamdulillah.

Alhamdulillah for still being in good health.

Alhamdulillah for still having both sides of my family with me.

Alhamdulillah for all the rezeki, for Ikhwan still having his job.

Alhamdulillah for everything.

Chai.

A bit pointless to be writing this now, given the state of the world,

But tonight, after so long I decided to make myself some chai (or masala tea, if I were to be culturally correct).

& it's bringing me back to the cold nights of Sydney,

& the quiet, blissful days of Singapore.

So I'm immortalizing it here, that chai will be my official travel drink.

That is, if I ever travel abroad again.

As of now I'm perfectly content with the knowledge that I don't desire, nor do I need, to ever board an aircraft in my foreseeable future,

But I'm glad I did the very few times I did,

& made memories in a cosy little apartment with friends & a baby,

& a compact yet complete little hotel room with just my tiny family.

& that tonight I'm reliving it both at once with a cup of warm tea.

Plant Tribe.

I'm a mall rat.

Grew up in OU, literally.

I started going there with friends, unchaperoned, since I was 11.

Well, 10 actually, but I was with my 14 y/o brother & his friends so I still consider that chaperone.

I spent after school & weekends just walking round & round OU like my life depended on it.

Trying out clothes & spending hours in changing rooms just taking pictures,

Never buying them of course.

Then adulthood came & it got weird.

It's hard to find the time to just gather with the usual crowd due to different schedules.

& of course it's so awkward to go try out clothes for no apparent reason when you're no longer a kid.

I remember there was a time in my life where I just stopped going to OU coz what was I going to do?

Got no money to eat fancy, definitely can't afford to shop.

The first time I went to OU with Ikhwan it felt sooo weird. 

I remember feeling so sad that I felt out of place.

There's no more bumping into the whole school when you're there lol.

Since then I've sort of been in a limbo.

My mall rat self is desperate to be doing something one weekends. Anything.

But you honestly can't expect to bring kids to the mall to just walk around.

You will end up spending money on them lol.

Until I finally levelled up into the plant mom phase.

I didn't really understand it at first, this need to go to nurseries.

Until a friend asked me that question straight up,

& the answer came to me.

The nursery is the mall.

The chance to walk around, go in & out of shops, touch the plants, hold them up to the light, take hundreds of pictures, & no one is looking at you weird if you don't buy.

& even if you're left with 5 bucks in your wallet, you can still afford to treat yourself to a succulent!

This group of plant friends I have now, they get it.

We don't need to stick together & exchange small talk all the time.

We each have our own interests & most of the time our feet take us in opposite directions once we enter a nursery.

We can get lost alone, in silence, for hours,

But when we spot something special we know the people who understands most are there, & you don't need to explain anything.

You just hold up a plant & squeal!

So here's a shout out to my plant mamas.

Some has been my person for almost all my life, some has been hovering in the background,

But I'm glad we found each other at the perfect time.

May we never grow out of this phase <3

Restricted Movement Order

(I know it's been ages since I wrote here, & I fully regret not documenting our family's recent battle with mental health. So I'm writing this down now, for future reference, as usual)

It's gonna sound so weird for me as a housewife to say this, but life normally is hectic.

I constantly feel like I'm hurtling forward through time at breakneck speed.

Monday to Friday goes by so fast with the steady rhythm of school runs, afternoons at Tok Ana's, & the long nights of waiting for Ikhwan to come home at God knows what time.

Then weekends we're just rushing to visit my in laws, shop for groceries & take the kids out somewhere,

Torn between wanting to make the most of what little time we have together, or to just laze around & rest & sleep in.

Which is why when the RMO was announced my first thought was "what the hell am I going to do all day at home?!"

This was before it was decided Ikhwan will be working from home.

Couldn't describe the relief I felt when I realized I didn't have to make the tough decision of either staying at home managing the kids alone or just camping at my parents' for 2 weeks & figuring out what the arrangement with Ikhwan was.

It's been 4 days & it has been surprisingly pleasant.

Today was an especially good day because I finally got down to polishing the house, & it rained so hard this afternoon.

We went for groceries earlier (I insisted Ikhwan drove me & let the kids ride along in the car. They never left the car but at least it felt like an outing) & when I got home I actually felt safe & glad.

Then it occurred to me, after 4 days of this, that it's familiar, it's a feeling I've missed,

Of having Ikhwan home for well over a month, of having life slow down, of having all the time in the world to be with each other but also to laze around & rest & sleep in.

I can't really recall much even though it's barely half a year ago,

But what I do recall vividly is the fact we never fought at all.

I remember days when we had people over, driving him to his appointments, & random days when one thing or another happened,

But I wished I wrote down every single one of it, because now it's forgotten,

All the days deemed mundane & unimportant & hence purged from my memory,

Sadly a majority of it since I became a mum has been like that, when in fact it's the most precious time of watching my kids grow.

I should write more often.

I should write daily!

Maybe this RMO is the perfect time to start.