Cuddle cravings.

Probably the only time my womb itches (read: gatai nak mengandung lagi) is when other babywearers get pregnant or just deliver a baby.
Hedwych aka wrapyouinlove aka the lady with the rainbow hair just announced her pregnancy today.
Despite the complications that came with the announcement, I'm so jealous already,
& can't help picturing Emile in his baby days with his chubby cheeks & adorbs curls.
Mergerds her babies are so cute.
I might just start carrying my COK ring sling & approach parents with fussy newborns at restaurants just coz I wanna cuddle a squish so bad lol!
Just imagine a light, sleeping baby in a smooshy completely broken in cloth,
I can't even.
I should be in a stage where I'm hunting for thick, textured, grippy wraps coz Hilwa & Izzaz still wants to be carried actually,
But my heart keeps on melting at the squish-friendly ones.
Best go & pester more friends to have babies kbye.

Lazy parenting.

Someone's been teaching my kids good habits (insert annoyed look).
I suspect it's their dad.
Things such as washing their hands everytime it's even slightly dirty, & with soap mind you.
& brushing their teeth during their evening bath & again before bed (but I suspect this is just them eating colgate)
You know, good habits that consume my time.
I'm in the middle of doing a shit ton of dishes after meal & they come into the kitchen,
Ok let's digress a little, my kitchen which used to be my sacred space, my safe haven, has now been terrorised by them because the child gate broke,
Yes so they come into my kitchen while I'm busy cleaning up & demand to wash their hands NOW.
Or I'm just sitting down playing Candy crush for a minute & they're already at the sink & I gotta wet my hands again & lather theirs up with soap.
Do you know how ravaged my right hand is right now?
It's constantly torn up & in pain.
& Hilwa already recognized it as my weakness,
Last night while I was annoying her with kisses she actually deliberately took my right thumb & pressed the wound.
Fking hell.
So yeah, by all means teach kids good manner & habits,
Just not those that take up my time ok?
Thanks.

Shit my 4yo says

Now I totally understand why Twitter accounts such as xplodingunicorn exist.
4 year olds just say the most mental shit lolll.
For example tonight Hilwa's had a rather long day with her cousins, went to the park etc,
& when she's tired like this she tends to become hyper to avoid sleep.
Papa was saying something to me in an angry tone which included 'Hilwa' in it.
Hilwa: *gasp* Hilwa? Me?
Papa: Yes, you! You're a very naughty girl.
Hilwa: I naughty? Oh sorry Papa.
No she didn't sound sorry at all.

Sleeptalking.

I have a bad habit of staying up way too late at night.
Even though I'm tired and sleepy, I find myself just holding off sleep for god knows what reason.
& tonight I finally know why.
It's for moments such as this,
When Izzaz started calling out for Papa in his sleep,
In a loud and clear voice, sounding slightly panicked,
Perhaps after the third time there came a "hmm?" from Ikhwan who was completely sound asleep.
And just like that Izzaz stopped and laid back down.
You guys are so funny.

Toilet Training.

Hilwa started toilet training on Tuesday.
Honestly, I've tried a few months ago but it didn't last.
There was this time when she regularly pooped at like 5pm just before going to padang & I didn't bother putting on the pampers for her because it was so near her bath time,
Then one day she had an accident (read: peed on the carpet) & was traumatized after that lol.
Ever since then I just randomly asked her if she wanted to take off her diaper, or casually told her if she wanted to go to school she can't wear her diaper, etc,
But she would just protest & scream until she got her way.
Until last Monday when she suddenly said "Layla I'an pakai spender, Layla I'an pergi school".
So I jumped on it & never looked back lol.
She still wears a diaper to bed,
& so far she still hasn't succeeded in pooping on the toilet,
But I'm just going with her flow.
There wasn't much to talk about until today when we had to go grocery shopping.
We were at Tesco & before we left I decided to take her to the toilet first.
Omg now I'm traumatized.
It's dirty & wet & she touched the toilet bowl then touched me amagah.
I don't think we can go to Tesco anymore until she's more in control & independent.
I now understand the need for a spacious family cubicle.
As usual my mind goes straight to OU where the toilet is always clean & dry & empty.
Yeah we're never going anywhere else again huhuuu

My Slytherin Prince.

This post was triggered by a t-shirt I saw on sale that has the Slytherin colors on it.
Almost went mental & bought it for Izzaz but then I decided to step back & think about it.
He was my Slytherin prince since I carried him in my tummy.
Was obsessed with the emerald rebung for the color,
I loved him in the green stripey onesie he had.
I always pictured him to be the tough go-getter.
But he is nothing like a true Slytherin.
He is such a soft, ooey gooey boy.
He sleeps pressed against me all night long,
Loves to climb onto my lap for no reason,
Loooves kisses.
He hates confrontations.
It was his birthday recently & there were lots of presents his aunts & uncles bought,
Most for him, some for other people too.
Of course we opened his first & of course his sister & cousins crowded around to take a look.
In the chaos of fights that followed, he quietly slipped away, picked up something else that no one was interested in, & started playing.
Long after that, when everyone's attention has shifted from his toys, he finally went back to take a proper look & play.
He doesn't mind eating the broken pieces of biscuits that his sister rejects (simply because they're not perfectly round coming out of the wrapper),
But he eats like a champ (any clues on which house is located near the Hogwarts kitchen?)
& even though he hates meds & cries when he has to take them,
He's not the struggling & spitting type,
Sometimes he even takes them willingly.
A few weeks ago Hilwa fell sick & had to take the antibiotics,
So we went through the usual routine of tying a napkin around her neck as a bib, holding her down on Ikhwan's lap & feeding her the med,
After it was done this boy crept onto Ikhwan's lap, pulled the napkin around his neck & just quietly sat there.
Then we realized he wanted it too lol.
We gave him plain water from a syringe & they both fell for it.
So that whole week while Hilwa was finishing her antibiotics, Izzaz became my accomplice in feeding Hilwa.
Worked wonders.
So honestly, this boy is no Slytherin.
He's more of a Hufflepuff if you ask me.
Often overlooked but working discreetly in the background to make the whole picture come together.
All he needs is mama & everything is right in the world teehee.
& I must say, yellow is without a doubt his color.

Im not gonna bother brainstorming for a cool title.

Just finished season 3 of narcos.
Now this is my preferred kind of superhero movie,
Where the hero, in theory, wins but basically nothing much changes in the world.
Like, yeah you tapau-ed 3 Dons in your life, but that's not stopping the flow of drugs around the world.
It's so realistically depressing, I love it!
Honestly I didn't really enjoy this one.
Too much suspense man give this aging heart a break lol.
I told Ikhwan that even though Escobar was personally so violent & lansi, there was this regality about him that works.
Yes I'm still very obsessed.
& Tata obviously can never be beat by any other cartel wives ever.
The Cali cartel in this new season feels sloppy, I guess too many heads always prove to be a recipe for disaster right?
& I especially hated it once the youngsters starts influencing the decisions of the adults.
So glad that shithead David died lol.
So yeah. I haven't been this passionate about a series since Friends I guess.
Kinda glad I allowed Ikhwan to talk me into watching it.

A game of cards.

Haven't really been motivated or inspired to write.
Banyak je boleh cerita tapi bila ada time, malas.
Bila idea datang, either tengah drive or phone kena sita dengan Hilwa.
Anyways, this I have to write down because I have successfully learnt to play spider solitaire.
4 suits wootwoot!
Mama abah used to play like all day (& compete with each other) & I'm like what the hell is this game?
It was honestly impossible to win.
But not anymore!
Yeah so that's the most exciting thing in the life of a housewife, sadly.
Moving on, & what else am I going to talk about other than--
My kids!
This is old news actually but I just realized I did not blog anything about raya.
It was pretty good actually, we managed to celebrate with both sides of the family on raya day itself,
& both families were complete!
We even have pictures to prove lol.
Then I pretty much lost my mind & decided to follow mama abah to Ipoh sans Ikhwan.
The high of raya & gathering with family kind of blocked my critical thinking & it wasn't until I stepped into my mum's car the morning of the journey that I fully realized the gravity of the situation I put myself in lol.
It was ok though.
Brought a car seat for Hilwa with Izzaz on my lap for the journey.
I booked a standard room with a queen bed for the 3 of us at a simple shoplot-type-hotel.
It was actually perfectly furnished.
Nothing too fancy or hipster or unnecessary.
The kids didn't hurt themselves or break anything most importantly lol, but I did hurt my neck because the pillow was rubbish.
Yes, I remember this despite it being 2 months ago.
We had steamboat dinner with Kak Anis & family, Aunty Patsy, Aunty Esther, Uncle George & Uncle Ong.
Hilwa ate soggy fries. Like, she really enjoyed it. I went back to the buffet many times for that but oh well, she ate.
& you could say the trip was a raving success until we got to Rawang on the way back & Izzaz, who wouldn't sit still & was playing around my feet, suddenly climbed onto my lap & puked all over me.
I should have known.
My kids always, ALWAYS, climb onto me seconds before they barf.
Like, without fail. Unless I'm expecting it & hold them off me, I have a slight chance of not getting soiled.
But that day Izzaz soiled me bad.
& the seat of the car.
Yes I have pictures of this too lol.
So I changed him out of his dirty clothes, passed him to mama, finished a whole packet of wet wipes wiping the seat of the car,
& sat patiently for about 20 minutes covered in puke for us to reach home.
So let this post be a reminder for me to not ever travel with the kids without their car seats.
At least until they're big enough to not need one, is able to tell me they're gonna puke, & then hold a plastic bag & politely puke in it lol.
One can pray.

Off stalking FSOT.

So Ikhwan has this plan in his head to take the kids on the MRT soon.
Big family day out, full public transport, go do something fun somewhere in KL.
He asked me yesterday "carrier ada satu je eh?"
Well technically we have 2, but I really do not want to be carrying a 10.5kg Izzaz in a 100% cotton ring sling.
I told him we can just take the stroller, c'mon it's 2017 MRT stations have lifts -_-"
But he mildly protested & we kinda changed topic after that.
Today he asked me again "takde ke kawan2 you boleh pinjam carrier?"
I was like... Who tf?
& in my head a whole discussion is going on on how I do not want anything less than a Tula, on the possibility of buying a linen ring sling on fsot (lol!)
But honestly I'm kinda proud of how dependant Ikhwan is on gears tihihi.
This whole MRT plan might just fall apart solely because there's not enough carriers.
Pfft.
I was fine this whole time, now I miss my Tulas T_T
Tapi chill la sayang, Hilwa can totally walk with us now.
It's Izzaz that we can't control.
Unless Hilwa decides she wants to sleep then no I ain't carrying her in arms kbye

Dramadhan

1st Ramadhan & boy was it a looong day.
We took our time waking up (after sahur) & it was 2pm when all of us were ready to head out.
Destination: my in laws.
Hilwa, naturally, wasn't dressed after her bath earlier & needed a change of diaper.
I opened the bathroom door, glanced to Izzaz who was crying on the bed because his nap was disrupted by my getting off the bed, & I heard a loud crash.
Looked down at my feet & Hilwa was flat on her back.
I lifted her to her feet & the way she was crying, I knew something was really wrong.
I started combing through her hair but I couldn't find anything.
Then I caught sight of blood on my fingers.
Noticed a wet patch at the back of her head slightly to the left side,
& the cut was so deep I'm still amazed I didn't pass out at all today.
Ikhwan grabbed me some tissue & it was soaked in minutes.
Still needed to get rid of her dirty diaper & wash her, so Ikhwan took care of that while I pressed on the wound.
She screamed everytime I did that, so it occurred to me to put some greenzhi on it to at least stop the bleeding.
I managed to put fresh diaper on her while standing up, grabbed her jubah which buttons down the front so I don't have to slide anything over her head,
& we rushed to DSH.
The guy who attended to her at the triage area immediately took us in to clean the wound to get a clearer view.
Then he called the oncall paediatric surgeon, & WhatsApped a picture while Dr razak was on his way.
We waited maybe 15 mins for the doctor,
During which Hilwa managed to calm down a bit & started dozing off (which actually freaked me out a little coz I didn't know if she was concussed or anything).
The Dr then took us into the surgery room down at emergency & calmly started working on her.
Seriously I love how calm he was.
I don't know how he did it but he managed to guide Hilwa who was now screaming again to lie on her front slightly tilted to the side, swaddled in a thick blanket.
Then I witnessed everything.
Sitting next to her, my face almost pressed to hers, I saw everything that happened.
Cleaning the wound, shaving off a patch of hair, injecting the local anaesthetic, & every single stitch that went down.
Still, I did not pass out.
I think we were in there about half an hour.
We went from hysterical crying, drool flowing from her mouth, to normal crying, to getting some sentences & smiles from her in between sobs.
The Dr was talking to me through the entire process,
Explaining that the cut looks like it's made by a sharp object, which is good because if she hit a blunt object & it cut her skin, chances are there's damage all the way inside too.
So he said let's not put her through any unnecessary radiation by giving her an x-ray, CT scan & what not.
But he told me to really monitor her for the next 24 hours in case she becomes overly sleepy, or inactive, starts puking & stuff.
Then he finished it by pressing some gauze onto the wound & putting up a bun with her surrounding hair to hold it in place. Genius.
He surprised me by asking if I'm using a medical card or paying myself,
So I told him for outpatient treatment I have to pay first then claim.
He suggested that we get admitted solely for the fact we'd be able to claim our insurance.
He told me he doesn't mind if we go home for the night since we live nearby.
Even offered us his number so we can WhatsApp him in case her condition worsens.
So we got sent up to level 2 to the orthopedic ward, got assigned a bed, waited for her meds, signed some papers, & were home by 6pm.
We just have to return tomorrow to sign out discharge papers once they're ready.
The whole time after she got stitched up
Hilwa was jumping around the hospital.
When we got to the ward she took out her toys from her backpack (yes she remembered her backpack while we were scrambling out the door earlier) & made herself at home on the bed.
The doctor was pleased when he saw that she was active & totally herself.
Alhamdulillah despite the minor accident, our affairs was so smooth the whole day.
Now let's hope the stitches heals nicely.
& no more bloody accidents please!

Rindu.

Dok baca status2 orang Kat Facebook,
Ada sorang ni pregnant dah cukup masa tapi still dok gi kerja naik LRT everyday.
Ramai la dok concern suruh mintak husband hantar la, naik teksi la,
Then jumpa comment paling membantu which dia sebut kalau baby mengeras2 or rasa penat sangat tetibe, cepat2 balik rumah.
Tetibe flashback Jumaat terakhir before deliver Hilwa.
Memandangkan orang kerja gomen lunch hour extra panjang hari Jumaat,
Aku keluar merewang dengan kina.
Pergi makan, jalan2, dia siap borong kimchi bagai kat cold storage.
Oh yes I remember the day vividly.
Pagi tu last check up, ntah kenapa cepat gila settle, tak sampai 9am pun lagi.
Padahal notorious kot hari Jumaat hari mgtt manusia memang melaut kat KK.
Anyways, dah jauh menyimpang.
Balik dari OU tu aku tukar baju then duduk tersadai kat living room,
Mama tengah tuition,
Aku melayan Hilwa yg literally rasa mcm dok summersault dalam perut nonstop.
She didn't stop moving even for a second,
Sampai malam,
Sampai aku email Ikhwan cakap this is so lain macam,
Sampai semput la senang cerita.
But alas, it wasn't until Monday that I would deliver huhuuu..
Random memories.
Rindu beranak.
Je.
Rindu beranak je fullstop.
Tak rindu pregnant coz heartburn sucks,
Definitely tak rindu membesarkan anak2 bahahaha

Sweating.

It's funny how much you sweat when you're anxious.
Like I can totally control my facial expressions, soothe my racing heart,
But the sweat is a dead giveaway.
I've been keeping myself calm for the past couple of weeks,
When one day I switched on my laptop & found my hard drive corrupted.
Calmly gave my brother the old laptop for him to try & salvage some data,
Calmly bought a new laptop,
Calmly downloaded new movies to bring to Penang & (thank God) retrieved songs from my mp3 player for the drive,
Calmly asked my brother for updates after returning from Penang,
When he confirmed that everything is gone.
& still I was calm.
The only thing I could think of that was sayang is the old pictures dating back from my school days.
But I told myself to be calm,
Those who matter to me I'm still friends with, time to make new memories.
Then tonight, must be the Thai tea I had at 8pm, my mind worked just that tiny bit more,
& I realized I've lost all the videos I recorded during the Muse concert.
& that got me sweating.
I could probably get other people's stuff from YouTube but damn those are precious.
& slowly it's getting to me,
How I should have taken the issue more seriously​ when the screen of the old laptop started to become damaged,
I was joking internally how at 6 years old my laptop has developed cancer, because the blip of blackness that started probably 6 months ago has definitely grown.
Should have backed up everything to the external instead of just movies I mean it has over 600gb of free space stupidstupidstupid.
But honest to God I never expected the hard drive to go first when the damage was showing on the screen lol.
& honest to God I don't really have faith on externals, like I expect them to get corrupted faster or simply become lost.
Oh well too late.
So I'll end this with something that's been stuck in my head since I heard it about 2 weeks ago during Ikhwan's cousin's tahlil,
How we feel our life is so long,
It's pretty average for people to live up to their 70s.
Yet we fail to realize we'll most probably experience a much longer time in barzakh.
Think about this (& correct me if I'm wrong because I just cannot grasp the whole BC & AD years thingy) Prophet Muhammad died about 1500 years ago.
He lived for less than 60 years.
Perspective.
So what have we done with our lives to ensure our safety & our comfort later?
Gets you sweating too don't it?

Day 3.

Last full day in Penang.
Breakfast was ok, Hilwa had a few bites of food again.
Today was pancake & koko krunch,
Even though she only took 2 bites of pancake but she tried something new & that's amazing.
After breakfast we went for a walk again.
Found  sort of like a recreational corner & Ikhwan randomly decided to play ping pong.
My first time ever at it to be honest, I'd say I wasn't so bad lol.
The kids had fun chasing the ball too,
Hilwa actually announced while we were leaving the place "I'm so happy I played ball!"
Then we went to the Cool Lounge again, this time zootopia was playing.
The weather was a bit gloomy but since it wasn't raining we decided to take the kids down to the pool early, but just as we got up to go back to the room to change it started pouring.
So we took a nap instead.
Woke up at noon & the rain has stopped to we resumed our plan to swim.
Hilwa braved the slides today, finally.
We also went into the whirlpool.
Then we had our second & final pizza at Sigi's.
We also ordered the kids meal which has a small ceasar salad with grilled chicken (which was super yums), nuggets & fries again for the kids, & finished off with a scoop of ice cream each.
I'd say lunch was our biggest victory yet today because we came straight from the pool & both kids didn't have nappies on & no accidents!
Hilwa legit waited until we brought her into the tub & stripped her before peeing.
She looked like she was holding that one in for quite a while.
I think she's ready for potty training omg why am I so nervous?
Then once everyone is showered & clothed, I put on Moana again & we took another nap! Lol this is the life.
I managed to talk Ikhwan into driving somewhere farther for dinner & he agreed to go find a mall.
We ended up at straits quay, walked around looking at boats, then walked around surveying restaurants but there's nothing we felt like having.
So we drove out again & finally decided to just go look for the nasi dalca & sup hameed stall we found last year.
After many wrong turns, a few wrong locations on Waze, we found the place at almost 9pm.
They didn't disappoint though.
& Hilwa had quite a lot of roti canai,
Alongside half a chocolate cream bun & a packet of oat krunch.
Then the journey back got very interesting when Izzaz threw up all of the nasi dalca he had.
So I spent the night picking up bits of soggy rice from the carpet of my car, & taking apart his car seat, picking up more puke, wiping it down, washing the parts the were badly soiled, etc.
I hope the car doesn't smell tomorrow haihh..
& looks like I just added another batch of laundry to my already long list.
But Izzaz is fine the rest of the night, soundly sleeping now.
& I should too.
I have a whole room to pack before noon tomorrow lulz.

Day 2.

Started the day with breakfast of course.
Hilwa ate a few bites of waffle, some koko krunch, minum susu,
& that's all that matters lol.
Then she wanted to have a walk on the greens so we did.
Had to pujuk her to go back to the room to shower because next up is adventure zone!
Apparently the toddler area is free so they only charged us for Hilwa.
(But then Izzaz got upset when he saw kakak going on the big slide many times so we sneaked him in for a ride. Shoulda seen the smile on his face)
We were only there for 1.5 hours but safe to say the whole family puas main.
I made lots of friends, even raced down the slide with this one girl lol.
It's so easy to be friendly when you're among an international crowd right?
Kalau Malaysia sama Malaysia berlagak tak hengat hahaha
So at 12.30 Hilwa begged us for lunch,
& since our stay package comes with free pizzas at Sigi's bar, we had just that.
Ordered nuggets & fries for Hilwa,
& she got those kids activity sheet thing with color pencils & that kept her busy.
Izzaz was napping half of the time but then I think the heat woke him up.
I insisted we sit outside because the view was just superb.
After lunch we all crashed upstairs.
Last thing I remember was it's about 2.30 & my eyes were heavy.
There was supposed to be a fire drill for the resort staff at 3, but I slept through the whole thing.
According to Ikhwan it was super loud & they made the announcement on the PA system many times.
He finally woke me up at 5 something & I thought I slept through the night lol.
Took the kids down to the beach & pool & stayed till the pool closed down at 7.
For dinner we went back to the hawker centre coz Ikhwan insisted he wants the oyster omelette.
So we ordered that, with char kuey teow, butter chicken & rice, beef teppanyaki, & one more char kuey teow to go.
Yes, we're obsessed​ with the char kuey teow.
Then I bought myself some paintings to hang around the house, coz I've been bugging Ikhwan to decorate the house but a legit art is so expensive.
The ones I got are probably just 5R size,
Illustrations of a beach, an old town, & a kampung house.
Cliche I know, but watercolor! So pretty.
Super happy with the deal I got.
We arrived back at the hotel at a little past 9,
So we decided to chill at the Cool Lounge downstairs.
The booth we got were playing Cars the movie & Hilwa enjoyed it.
There's also some bean bags & books & magazines, some computers & a tab with Internet, board games I think, & a bar for refreshments.
The place closed at 10 so it's back to the room for us.
It's midnight now & Izzaz is out but Hilwa is still pretty energetic.
I swear I think this girl can absorb energy from her surroundings.

Penang Vol. 2

We're in Penang.
It's 0032hrs, I've been up since quarter to 6 this morning, after a measly 4 hour sleep.
But my kids are hyper because they had a nap after swimming this afternoon, then a lollipop after dinner no thanks to kakak concierge.
So I'm typing because despite my whiny tone, I did have an amazing day.
The kids, & Ikhwan, pretty much slept the whole journey,
& I had a blast karaoke-ing while driving,
The road was really clear & I think I only encountered 1 asshole total.
After checking in & having drive thru lunch,
We decided to go down to the pool since it was cloudy & not too hot.
Managed to talk the kids to go play on the beach too,
Eventually they even agreed to go to the edge of the water & I got to chill with Izzaz on my lap while the waves lapped at us.
& when we got back to the room it was barely 5pm,
So everyone got a good nap before dinner.
We took a walk along the pasar malam & came to a hawker centre, which we didn't notice last year when we were here.
I truly enjoyed dinner,
The char kuey teow is simply👌
Ikhwan had pari bakar, ordered nasi goreng cina for Izzaz, some satay, & roti canai for Hilwa (which she ate! I honestly felt like crying when she swallowed the first bite lol).
Then I treated myself to a new handbag.
& we watched Moana in the room.
Which brings us to me tapping away right now because I do not see any signs of the kids sleeping anytime soon.
Thank God for wifi though.

Mashed potatoes.

So here we are,
The eve of yet another core leave.
17 (thank God for bank holidays) days of having the option to push bathtimes & basuh berak tasks to another person.
Yaaaayyyy!
But honestly, this is adulthood.
This past week I have been stressed & dreading this weekend,
Having been planning outfits for 3 people for a week-long trip,
& also planning laundry to make sure the clothes I want to bring are available,
& so that we leave the house with the most minimal dirty laundry left behind.
Not to mention I've of course been stressing about the amount of laundry I'd have to do when we return from the trip.
I kid you not when I say laundry is life.
Why didn't disposable clothes ever become a thing? T_T
But yeah, amidst all this I haven't had the brain capacity to even feel slightly excited about the trip.
& tonight I managed random moments of 'yaaayyy core leave' but after folding clothes, checking those I have set aside for the trip, gathering things that I can pack now, & actually arranging them all in the bag,
I'm just brainmeltingly exhausted.
I feel like my face is sliding off my head, & the tips of my fingers were numb.
Yet here I am typing lol.
I remember having a lot of things to talk about but for the life of me I can't remember anymore.
There was something there about wanting to advise people to consider this if they ever long for kids,
The fact that for every single family vacation you imagine your happy family going on,
You have to plan outfits & pack for yourself, & the number of kids you have.
The number is 3 for me, & I'm so done.
I miss throwing together one bag for myself the night before the trip & be done in 2 hours tops, luggage all neat & zipped up.
Hurrr just thinking​ of it is draining my energy.
Anyways, now I'm pissed at myself for not remembering what is it I actually wanted to talk about.
Ah well it'll come back to me when I reread this tomorrow.
Fingers crossed.

Creation.

So I found the perfect quote to describe what parenting feels to me, & it's from a fictional serial killer lol. Swear to God I burst out laughing & it definitely wasn't a funny scene & Ikhwan was looking at me like I'm really finally losing it. Oh well, still gotta immortalize it here:

"It's strange to have a creation out there. A deeply mutated version of yourself, running loose and screwing everything up... I wonder if this is how parents feel."

-Dexter, season 2, don't ask me which episode I think it's the 2nd last one.

Sorry kids, y'all are just weird.

29th.

Eh dah 10th March tak post wishlist lagi lulz.
Sebab?
Terus terang tahun ni rasa paling takde nafsu nak spend duit, rasa paling nak berjimat cermat.
Plan awalnya nak celebrate birthday in advance kat hotel weekend​ ni pun aku cancel sebab serious takde nafsu.
Dari bayar 300 satu malam ya Allah banyaknya benda lain aku boleh buat dengan duit tu.
Semalam baru bagitau Ikhwan birthday aku nanti nak pergi check mata,
Sebab last tukar spect masa pregnant Izzaz dulu,
Tu pun tak update power sebab tgh pregnant kan.
So birthday aku nanti nak gi check power, kalau kena tukar lense then tu kira as birthday present dari Ikhwan lol.
Sekarang ni penting aku nak buang benda dari wishlist dalam phone aku ni.
Check mata.
Usb-c cable spare.
Thumbdrive baru.
Tukar screen protector yang rongak dikunyah Hilwa (yes I'm almost positive my daughter swallowed tempered glass).
Tukar bulb lampu kat kitchen rumah aku ni sebab warna dia kuning, aku nak warna fluorescent white.
Nak baiki sink dapur yang leaking.
Moving on kepada benda yang more indulgent & less practical.
Nak potong rambut sbb rimas.
Serious rasa nak cantas buang part karat-karat ni,
Biar tinggal jadi crewcut pun takpe.
Tapi nanti Ikhwan confirm tak lalu kat aku dah lulz.
Nak handbag kenduri baru, tapi aku dok bukak Zalora fv bagai takde langsung yang berkenan.
Awat handbag sekarang semua sepesen pastu huduh?
Last.. teringin nak beli makeup.
Pastu simpan buat pekasam hahah.
Ok dah cukup berangan.
Baik pulun pi jual tudung so that first 6 wishes kat atas aku boleh settle pakai duit sendiri.
So yes.. my wish for my 29th birthday is to be financially independent!

Berleter sikit.

Terasa nak membebel.
Tinggal budak-budak tadi pergi celebrate birthday Imara.
Ada kot 3 jam setengah berpisah.
Otw balik call Ikhwan suara dia pitching dah lari.
Sampai rumah bukak pintu Izzaz lari mai dengan "mamaaaaaaaaa" panjang berjela.
See.. this is why mothers need a timeout.
Perasan diperlukan dirindui yang datang saat kau balik tu memang boost mood kasih sayang barang seminggu dua.
Pastu tadi siap-siap nak keluar kat rumah mama,
So semangat la aku makeup bagai.
Sbb makeup aku memang aku dah tauk habis masa pindah haritu,
Dan dalam family aku memang mama je yang jenis makeup sekarang lol.
Fefeeling cantik gila la sepanjang malam.
Siap berangan nak pi beli makeup satu set dengan facial wash travel size so senang cuci bila kat luar, cari makeup bag comel-comel.
Pastu sekarang ni aku dok berperang rasa pedih muka ala-ala chemical burn yg jadi everytime lepas cuci makeup.
No I don't use any makeup remover.
Aku pakai facial wash biasa aku tadi, cuci 2 kali sampai hilang rasa minyak kat muka,
Siap tepek moisturizer lagi lepas tu.
I've felt this way post makeup everytime dari zaman muda-mudi rajin beli makeup remover dulu, ke zaman belasah pakai wet wipes, sampai sekarang.
I hate it. I don't know if everyone goes through it but I'm sure at least some people do, & I don't understand why people would choose to go through it.
So no.. I don't think I'll start applying makeup regularly ever.
Pastu next issue ni aku nak cerita dah lama pastu tangguh pastu lupa pastu mcm dah tak kisah.
I've sold both my Tulas.
Started dengan ada wcssc yang aku dah lamaaaa berkenan naik for sale.
Harga memang mampu kalau aku jual 2-2 Tula.
So aku jual 1 dulu, testing. Yang kakak punya.
It got sold within a day.
Pastu Ikhwan gaji aku selamba bayar lagi half.
Rezeki lagi minah tu mai hantar kat rumah.
Dan-dan bawak pi jalan sakan weekend tu,
& I concluded it's comfortable enough to replace Izzaz's Tula.
Again, that one got sold within a day jugak alhamdulillah.
Lega & happy toksah cerita.
Memula sayu jugak thinking it's the end of an era for me.
But oh well, in one transaction I became the owner of an Oscha roses, a full wcssc, & in the Slytherin colours I've coveted for since the dawn of time maybe.
Truly worth it!

Isu-isu semasa.

Harini macam2 issue dok serabut dalam kepala,
Masing2 bersangkut-paut dan saling menyemaki antara satu sama lain.
Firstly, handbag.
Ni semua salah Ika dok meroyan pasal duck KL bag tu.
Tapi aku taknak pun bag tu sebab gedabak sgt.
Cuma dia membawa perhatian aku to the fact yang aku sebenarnya dah takyah guna mommy bag.
Hilwa skrg dah ada backpack dia sendiri yang dia usung kehulu kehilir, mostly ada 4 teddy bear kecik je dalam tu.
So boleh sgt aku nak transfer baju spare, pampers & botol air kids dalam tu,
Which will leave me with only my wallet, nursing cover, tissue, wet wipes.. benda kecik2. Takyah diaper bag.
Tapi aku dah terbiasa sgt dok bawak backpack jugak skrg ni sampai tahap nak start browse utk handbag pun aku taktau nak mula kat mana.
I have officially forgotten how to be a lady.
Tapi sebenarnya masalah aku ni sgt berkait dengan babywearing jugak.
Which brings us to the other issues in mind, namely my beloved tulas & issue stroller.
To be honest, aku dah tak larat nak babywear Izzaz lama2 especially bila grocery shopping etc.
Serious,  balik tu confirm terus sakit bahu, pinggang, lutut.
So haritu aku dok sebut2 kat Ikhwan we might need a 2nd stroller or upgrade ke tandem stroller.
Itu dah satu issue, sbb confirm Hilwa takkan redha kena jalan while adik dpt duduk dalam stroller dia.
Nak beli mcm baby throne bodoh as 2nd stroller boleh tapi bila keluar leceh sampai 2 stroller nak kena bawak.
Nak beli tandem mahal & confirm lagi besar dari peg perego skrg ni yg cukup2 je masuk boot.
Pastu bila dah cite pasal tak larat nak babywear confirm la means kena jual Tula.
Tapi nak jual toddler, kang Izzaz makin besar stroller tak beli2 lagi pastu menyesal takde SSC utk pakai.
Kalau jual standard, dia masih belum muat dalam toddler.
Pastu tadi ye olde Slytherin-themed Turkish towel jumpsac yg aku dok usha dah bertahun got bumped up on fsot.
Harga confirm lepas kalau jual dua2 tula.
Size 17inch perfect untuk Izzaz skrg.
The problem is, my only experience with jumpsac yang Auroray tu dulu tak best.
But that was baby size la.. I know size can greatly affect comfort.
Tula pun macam tu.. standard never felt as weightless as toddler is to me.
Seller tu dah siap offer kalau nak meet up utk testing pun dia no hal.
But then kalau betul jatuh cinta, kena go through the process of selling not 1 but 2 tulas.
& seeing how the market is now, it could take a looooong time.
Pastu kalau dah ada wcssc handwoven baru, nak pakai dengan handbag mcm mana pulak?
Ni soalan cepu emas.
I have lost whatever bit of fashion sense I had.
Help. How do I un-mom myself?

Heroes, idols & goals.

We just finished watching narcos last night.
At first I got hooked because it was a good crime show.
It gave me what the Mentalist did in its peak.
None of the lovey dovey drama shit.
But then it ended up being a love story, & a bloody fantastic one in the end.
I cried when they finally shot Pablo dead.
Legit sobbed.
Honestly right now my hero, my relationship goals, my role model on how to be a wife & mother,
Is Tata, Pablo's wife.
I think I'm obsessed with her.
Among all of the stuff that I've read relating to this show,
One of it mentions how the real life Murphy & Pena refused offers of recreating the story in the past because all of these people want to paint Pablo in a majestic light.
& supposedly this version of the story shows pretty much the exact truth of what happened.
So I guess that backfired because most of the time I could only focus on how much Pablo loved his family.
You can even see it in how he targets every single one of his enemies by picking out their family.
& he started tripping all over the place when he lost his cousin, & for the first time he felt his family's safety being threatened.
Shit can't get anymore romantic than that.
It's a shame he didn't know his limit & quit when he still could.
Would have been an even more epic story if he was still alive & with his family.
Dude was casually losing $2billion a year to spoilage/rats.
I'm pretty sure if he just gave it up, suck it all up & served his time in that prison he made himself then he could sustain his life for many years to come.
But still.. the ego of a man.
& even then, after everything that went down,
After living in all the luxuries that one of the richest person in the world can give you,
Then forced to go on the run,
Standing loyally by your husband when an entire nation calls for his blood,
Then having him killed & displayed like an animal by cops,
Tata single handedly met with her late husband's enemies to negotiate the safety of her children,
Took them away to 3 different countries before she's allowed to stay,
& rebuilt her life from scratch.
Even raised her kids to be decent human beings after all that.
Hats freaking off.
Idol forever.
Now I'm gonna go hunt for the book their son wrote, & I have a feeling I'm not stopping there.

Stuck.

Lama tak membebel isu babywearing kat sini.
I'm stash-ily stuck.
I currently own a toddler tula which we still use for Hilwa (most recent masa pergi big bad wolf hari tu) & which Izzaz will eventually grow into,
A standard tula which is wajib for Izzaz everytime we go out. This is absolutely the only gear I am satisfied with, like my loyalty to Tula is unquestionable.
Then I have a COK 100% cotton RS which is useless for my kids since it's so broken in that it can't hold their weight at all (slips through the ring), but I so so love, it's my one & only handwoven ever, I love the color, it's the perfect gathered shoulder, & I've sworn I'll keep it forever so I can babywear my nieces, nephews & godchildren in.
But this is also my most valuable RS which I know I'll be able to sell if I ever have the heart to list it.
A sensible me knows that I can always wear other babies with the simple cotton RS that I learnt to wear Hilwa in,
But I love my COK so much T.T selling it is out of the question, period.
Then there's the vanamo kide 50% linen beautifully dyed RS which is just not selling.
I swear, it's an awesome RS. My only issue with it is the length. Yes I have considered getting it chopped but I just don't have funds allocated for that right now.
But to be honest, now that I really think about it (this is why I love ranting about this here) if I do get to sell this RS, the chances of me finding a replacement  toddlerworthy RS that I like aesthetically & within my budget is pretty much zero.
So we move on to the last item in my stash,
The tekhni repreve RS (gosh I forgot the name. Gothic?).
This RS, which has an eesti shoulder, made me realize I am actually an exclusively gathered shoulder person.
I never could find my sweet spot with this RS, & now Izzaz is officially too heavy for it & it is beginning to slip through the rings when I wear him.
I'd actually list it tonight but it's currently in my car 15 storeys down, & believe it or not, I have never snapped a single picture of it. Ever. It is so unloved I feel so sorry for it lol.
But repreve is awesome though. I love the cush, the airy-ness, how light but thick it is. It's just that the mama I bought it from dibs-ed it but I see she's trying to destash without much luck, so I'll feel like an asshole for trying to sell it back to her, but then I can't just go list without consulting her first, you know what I mean?
Urgh the politics of babywearing.
But I know I gotta just man up & sell the tekhni & maybe use the money to shorten the vanamo & be done with it.
Until Izzaz outgrows the standard tula & I can sell that & the vanamo too & use the money to eatttt!

Stepping into 2017.

Dah jejak masuk tahun yang bakal bawa aku ke angka 29,
I realized the older I am, the shorter forever feels, the smaller my world becomes.
Nak flashback tahun 2016 kemain payah,
Mungkin sebab nyanyuk tapi mungkin juga sebab motip.
2016 feels good.
Ikhwan, Hilwa, Izzaz, mama abah, mama papa, adik-beradik, ipar-duai, anak-anak sedara semua masih hidup, sihat walafiat, bahagia, murah rezeki, alhamdulillah.
What more can you ask for honestly?
Just this realization alone buat aku rasa humbled & kerdil sungguh dengan Allah.
I don't say alhamdulillah enough, that should be my new year's resolution.
& it's so insignificant nak sebut the lows of 2016,
Which right now the only thing that comes to mind is the health of my kids.
Izzaz's eczema, dua kali dia kena nebulizer tahun ni, demam selsema dua-dua beradik biasa la tu.
& this is why aku kata my world has become so small,
Because umpamanya Ikhwan, Hilwa & Izzaz tu la Malaysia,
& mama abah, mama papa, & all of our siblings tu la the rest of the world.
Luar dari tu aku rasa macam not worth mentioning, takde direct effect.. macam tu la.
There was this one trip to the pasar with mama & kak milah where at the last minute I brought Izzaz coz he woke up & l didn't have any carrier with me,
& he was being passed between the 3 of us, & was being kissed & coddled by his Tok Ana & Tok Tam that I realized,
He is so loved compared to so many other people in this world.
My kids are so loved by their grandparents, uncles, aunties & cousins,
& they have our backs, no question asked, in the event of anything at all.
Alhamdulillah.
So it doesn't matter we didn't step on a plane at all this year,
Or we didn't spend their birthdays or our anniversary or tonight in a fancy hotel.
I am currently so filled with love,
& truly humbled.
I spent the last day of 2016 having a satisfying meal out with my family, then having a tahlil & gathering with my extended in laws which also lead to midnight fireworks session,
This year my best friend got married,
Another one came home for good then got pregnant,
All the rest of the people close to my heart have jobs, enough to eat, currently still breathing & in good health.
& I have managed to keep my kids alive, & myself out of jail, for another year.
Rejoice!
Happy new year to you & yours.
Moga kita sentiasa di bawah rahmatNya.