Humblebrag.

I just read a longass Facebook photo caption of self-praising crap.
I get it, he's a motivator.
So he shared his story of how he started with nothing & was living in his gf's apartment & was broke,
& now he's a NYT bestselling author & most viewed channel on YouTube & whatever.
I get it.
You're motivating people to not give up.
But I don't know, it got under my skin.
You don't have to brag dude.
Like "look people.. Look at this nice desk I can afford now".
I'd much rather a person, or two actually,
Who started from the bottom also,
Who began writing despite being almost terminally depressed,
Who was working from his basement on an eco blog no one knew about,
Who went on to collect over $1.2m for charity in under one week,
Not needing to brag about their successes,
How rich they are,
How famous they are.
Just content on having the platform to help other people,
Simply because they believe everyone should be awesome.
Nerdfighters! *insert hand sign*
Congratulations on Project for Awesome 2014.

Didymos Tussah Silk Fische

I'm typing this while Hilwa is nursing in the wrap.
I'm loving how it doesn't feel heavy or painful at all despite how loose it is.
She hasn't been patient enough to allow me to tighten properly.
I don't know if she ever will be,
But I guess I'll just hold on to this for a few months & see what happens.
Mainly coz of how comfy it is despite the level of sloppiness I'm achieving.
This is the second wrap ever that I touched,
& the first one I own.
I keep getting surprised by how thick & coarse it feels.
I guess I have to stop expecting for it to feel as thin & soft as a pashmina.
But a pashmina wouldn't hold a baby up safe.
Anyways,
It is airy.
But I have yet to wear it for a long period of time while walking & Hilwa is napping.
& the whole weightless thing,
I totally believe it now.
It's not so much weightless like you don't feel like you're carrying anything,
But more of the you don't feel the weight on your shoulders.
No straps digging in, no pressure points.
Loving it so far.
& I think Hilwa is warming up to it too.
After all, she was the one who dragged it over to me then patiently waited while I arrange it around myself.
Heeks

Manners.

I'm going to write this here instead of on the fb thread where it's being discussed coz I don't want to disrespect anyone.
But I'm still gonna write it.
Last night a lot of people in TTDI, apparently, was bothered by the sound of a chopper going around the neighbourhood with its searchlight on.
The patrol was requested by our very own Tuan Jamil, the head of balai polis TTDI.
But instead of saying thanks, a few people actually accused it of being not cost effective, not effective & just annoyingly loud.
It's like if you throw someone a birthday party & that person turns right around & says 'you know, this is not cost effective. I hate it'.
No thanks, not even a fake smile.
What the hell is wrong with people nowadays?
Malaysians especially think they're so clever at everything,
& I know I'm not excluded as I'm writing this now.
Everyone thinks so lowly of our police that they feel it is their right to come up & say 'I know better, & this does not work so stop it'.
How do you know it does not work?
Have you been graphing the crime cases every night since you were born & know for a fact a heli patrol doesn't make a difference?
Or are you in fact a criminal & you know for a fact you weren't intimidated last night?
Hmmmm interesting thought.
Anyways, I'm not here to comment on whether it was effective or cost effective,
Though to me it wasn't annoyingly loud.
I enjoy the sounds of planes (or helicopters) at night.
But if you ask me, those birds arriving from Europe at dawn, descending over our skies into KLIA is more annoying kot than a helicopter?
They arrive like every 3 minutes!
So people, conclusion is, just be grateful we have such an awesome ketua balai.
Kesian Tuan Jamil.

The only logical way to go is forward: Katherines

So I guess I only write about the Greens now?
Whatever.
Started reading An Abundance of Katherines today.
I'm only 40 pages in & I've traded it for Brotherhood 2.0 instead.
& candy crush.
It's not bad, the writing is actually pretty good.
Tiny facts at the bottom of the pages? Love it.
But I cannot stand Colin.
Urgh.
I've accidentally read some reviews on goodreads which were dissing hassan saying he's a useless sidekick,
But heck no. Calling Colin kafir? Gold!
All I can say now is,
Green, this better be worth it.
Coz Colin is so urghhhh I don't think I've ever hated a lead this much in any stories before.
Urgh!

PAPER TOWNS: May contain spoilers idk.

I just realised I actually have a problem with speaking in public.
On the net that is.
I have specifically 2 spaces that I feel comfortable talking in,
Which is twitter & this blog,
So I'm gonna write the following here instead of the Paper Towns page on Goodreads where it probably belongs.

I also just realised that how you remember a book is greatly influenced by what opinions you have on finishing it & also the selected parts that you choose to have in your memory.
& yes, I agree with my best friend that Paper Towns is a guy version of Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants & that makes it epic.
Not because I love that movie,
But because I love friendships that is bound by blood.
I'm not going to focus on the ending,
& who Margo actually is,
Or worse, start overanalyzing what happened & will happen next.
To me Paper Towns is the last month of high school for 3 nerdy guys where life finally took off,
Whose hopes & dreams are powerful enough to run the ever faithful RHAPAW,
(Sorry Dreidel).
It leaves me feeling the same kind of nostalgia that Perks brought,
& I like that.

No point, only pleasure.

A lesson in life:
Upon reading a book, any book not just John Green's,
Do not go through reviews on goodreads.
In the end what matters is whether you keep reading,
Even better if it's to the point of ignoring your husband & staying up all night,
Or leave it after just a few chapters.
I say to hell with point, meaning, lessons, plot, whatever.

In too deep.

(I was halftway through rambling on my twitter but then my thoughts started getting longer so here)
Steps to becoming a nerdfighter:
1. Agree, very reluctantly, to read tfios
2. Watch vlogbrothers for videos containing tfios
3. Watch tfios
4. Watch vlogbrothers for John Green
5. Buy Alaska & read it in 2 days
6. Fall for Hank instead, hard
7. Watch vlogbrothers daily, with the goal of going all the way back to 1.1.2007
8. Borrow Paper Towns from a fellow groupie & read it faster than Alaska (in process)
9. Prepare to participate in Project 4 Awesome in Dec, to make donations, maybe get some perks & finally graduate

I just realised this list thing is a direct effect of reading Paper Towns.
Sigh.

Curiosity.

Gatal tangan testing Pognae tadi.
Pognae je pun (ayat bongkak) tapi hurrr..
It's so soft!
& it's most probably not the softest in the market pun,
Which made me all the more curious about WCSSCs now.
& I'm like stalking FSOT nonstop not knowing whether I should get a wrap to convert later or just find a WCSSC & be done with it.
(What am I talking about, I DONT NEED TO GET ANYMORE THINGS!)
& last night my newest nephew was having a cry it out session so I took out ye olde ring sling & he basically passed out in it,
Which made me all the more curious about WCRSes hurrr.
Basically I have learned my lesson to not try anymore gears.
Damage is done though.
Sigh.

DFTBA.

This video brought actual tears to my eyes.
No, it has absolutely nothing to do with tfios.
It's just the entire nerdfighteria concept.
The fact that these thousands & thousands of people took the time to greet Hank good morning.
Here is what started as a silly video project between two brothers to you know, stay connected, communicate, find alternative ways to keep in touch.
& now they're saving the world.
Literally.
I lost count of the number of projects they have that are raising funds for various causes.
Or just simply talking about current issues & interesting facts to keep an old housewife entertained & informed at night.
It's truly amazing.
Btw DFTBA stands for 'Don't Forget To Be Awesome'.
I swear to god the Greens are super cool people lol

Preparing for Sydney Pt 1

We're 6 months away from Sydney.
I can't quite feel any excitement right now,
I'm just reeeeally nervous about the flight.
I've been dealing with my own fears for a while now,
Learning about planes,
Watching flight videos & flightradar24 for the heck of it coz it's entertaining,
& even the occasional aircrash investigations episodes coz seriously, they're very educational.
But today I decided to research on behalf of Hilwa.
I was watching videos on YouTube for what to have in your hand carry when travelling with a baby,
When it hit me,
I should get her into colouring.
Colouring books & colour pencils are lightweight, compact,
& the activity can really keep you occupied for a long time.
Since Hilwa will still be under 2 by the time of the trip,
We didn't get a seat for her so she'll be in our laps instead.
& colouring is the perfect activity for that.
So yeah.. Hilwa, you shall be a colourist!
But of course I will never stop praying that she will just sleeeeep without fuss the entire 8 hours on the plane.
8 hours, what did I sign up for?!

Other tips I got tonight:
-change of clothes for me & Ikhwan in case of accidents
-stickers & new small toys wrapped as gifts
-baby headphones so she doesn't disturb others if she wants to watch her upin ipin & whatnot
-have diaper clutch ready & within arms reach loaded with tissue/hanky, wet wipes & a plastic bag
-snacks

& mama's getting hungry.
Lookie, I'm well on my way to becoming a chronic overpacker!

Literacy.

I guess it's time to indulge in some self-doubt.
What have I been up to tonight?
Switching between reading Looking For Alaska & watching vlogbrothers videos.
I'd read more now but I just came across something I want to share with Ikhwan & I kinda ran out of bookmarks to mark it,
Seeing that I'm currently halfways through 3 different books.
4 actually, to be really honest.
(I should buy post its. Do I have post its? I should check first before I buy post its).
Given the right book,
I can read quite fast.
I have no doubt I could finish Alaska in one sitting if I didn't stop for videos & blogging.
But 'right books' have come to be rather mindless, unintelligent books.
Books for teens.
Books about love or boarding school or wizards at boarding school or vampires.
Though I'm not saying harry potter is unintelligent, it is the most amazing thing ever.
& by vampire I mean Darren shan, not the twilight rubbish.
I did read 1 though, but it was too stupid I couldn't.
& I know I blogged once about wanting to acquire some knowledge so I don't end up an air headed housewife,
But reading smart things are so tiring.
Not to mention I sometimes just simply don't understand what's going on.
Like the economist for example.
What.. what?
I can literally read a whole page & not take on anything.
I can handle medium sized words John green likes to use in his books,
But truly big ones?
That is really being pretentious.
How do you expect to educate stupid people when they can't even understand what you're saying?
Ok I'm just rambling,
& suddenly hating on the economist.
Where did that come from?
I'm just hungry.
I don't know when my husband will be back,
& I can't continue to read this book because I'm out of bookmarks.
It's a valid problem I tell you.
Oh anyways,
The whole self-doubt thing I mentioned at the start was just to imply that I'm disappointed in myself because I feel like I'm slowly turning dumb.
I know I'm actually really smart, pfft.

What's (not) in my diaper bag.

Been binging on 'what's in my diaper bag' videos on YouTube tonight.
I juuuust bought a diaper bag,
An official one as opposed to the oversized but unfortunately unspacious handbag I've been using,
& after transferring & organising everything, it feels really empty.
& light.
So my itchy fingers went & searched what other people keep in their diaper bags to see if I missed out on anything.
(Which is really unnecessary coz I go out with Hilwa at least twice a week & I hardly need that many things I dunno I guess she is an easy baby alhamdulillah).
First impression:
Wow these american mommies are such victims of capitalism!
They carry an average of 3 different wipes like a boogie wipe & a pacifier wipe & normal nappy wipes & even hand & face sanitising wipes,
On top of carrying like bottles of hand sanitiser.
Like I kid u not, most of them have at least 2 bottles of hand sanitiser for god knows what reason.
At one point I thought yeah ok maybe it's time I warm up to hand sanitisers but nahh..
We have running water everywhere don't we?
What I do need to carry though is a good hand cream coz my skin's been acting up again but gahh so lazy.
Then they all have this cute little egg like thing that clips onto the bag which dispenses plastic bags,
Which I couldn't decide if it was awesome or not,
Coz it's bad enough that we're using disposable diapers, now we're wrapping them in individual plastic bags in order to dispose them into a bigger plastic bag?
Yeap that don't make sense to a nature lover like me,
(Which reminds me someone on my IG spoke about her cloth diapers the other day & mentioned she uses them for her baby between birth to 6 months during which poo don't smell so bad coz they're fully breastfed & I almost kicked myself like why didn't I think of that? Thats like THE age when you use the most diapers & I actually had cloth diapers gifted to me now they're just sitting in the drawer, so I guess I need to get me a new baby huh?)
Moving on, I was actually surprised to find that none of these people brought umbrellas,
Coz I used to always have umbrella in my bag but then I either lost it or broke it & never replaced it,
Then I started to wear tudung & rain don't really bother me anymore,
& I'll just put Hilwa in her carrier which has the hood, or tuck her under my tudung for the brief run to the car so I guess I don't need that.
Toys,
I'm torn between wanting to carry them but knowing she's not the playing with toys kind,
More of the throw it on the floor & have mama pick it up so she can repeat kind.
Plus she's in the upin ipin phase (gosh baby, I thought you were special, different T.T) so there's my phone for that.
Medicine,
I noticed a lot of them carry meds, especially when their babies are teething,
Mine, unfortunately, hasn't yet,
& I really, really hope her teething goes smoothly.
I'm like so used to see her all gums I'm actually really nervous to see her teeth come out now.
I love my baby all gums T.T
Snacks,
Well this bird of mine rarely eats anything anyways sigh.
Maybe snacks for me though?
Hmm excellent idea.
But lastly,
What reeeeeally caught my attention & peaked my interest is the organisation part of the process.
These moms lives & breathes tiny bags.
They have a pouch for meds & a pouch for snacks & an even smaller pouch for makeup & a bag for clothes & a strap to hold diapers together,
& these freaking things match.
Some even mention 'custom'.
& I'm like gosh I should get pouches for I dunno, the single spare nappy I carry around coz, you know, it's kinda unhygienic for it to be just sitting in the bag?
You know what,
Baby's a lucrative business I tell you.
I better learn how to sew,
Or something.

Babywearing cont.

We're currently in JB.
It's supposedly a bachelor weekend as one of hub's friend is getting married soon.
But then one of the guys couldn't leave his wife alone at home (literally alone, they leave somewhere unfavourable for a lady to be alone),
Next thing you know there's two other wives & babies in tow.
It's been good so far,
Other than the fact that both Ikhwan & I haven't had proper sleep this week so we're beat & it's only 8.30pm.
Anyways, we hung out around Puteri Harbour just now.
We unanimously decided to leave the stroller at home (mainly coz we're carpooling & need the extra space for luggage)
So this is pretty much our first official outing with the onya.
I stepped out of the car & started prepping to babywear when Ikhwan insisted he'd wear instead.
& this time I know it's not the "ure torturing ur wife" guilt.
This time I know he's beginning to enjoy babywearing.
& I kinda resented him for it coz I wanted to babywear Hilwa in MY onya (lol).
But yes.
I'm glad I went for the plain, super awesome SSC as compared to the pretty, flowery ones,
& I'm especially glad I did not go the wrap way coz I know my husband & there's no chance in hell he'd wrap a pretty little woven thing around his body.
So who said SSC was a burden, a form of torture, an inconvenience?
What? I can't hear you.
:D

One year.

So Hilwa turned one year old yesterday.
How do I even begin to compress 365 days into one post?
I could talk all over again about my labour.
Oh I love talking about my labour lol.
But nahh, I've blogged about that.
I could talk about the quiet hours when I had her all to myself that day & night before I was discharged from the hospital.
I still regret not taking a gazillion pictures of her & of us together in the hospital.
Believe me or not, I miss that corner bed with the view.
I could talk about the first few days, weeks, months.
But I honestly don't remember much anymore.
She would sleep for hours & stay awake as she please.
I can't exactly recall sleepless nights,
Except for that one night she refused to sleep on her back & kept us awake til morning,
& my sister advised me to put her on her tummy but I was scared she was too small she'd fall asleep on her face & suffocate to death.
But she didn't,
It was 8 am & I was exhausted & I just flipped her over & fell dead asleep for 2 hours maybe.
Woke up frantic not knowing what the time was & where she is,
To find her fast asleep as well,
& if I remember correctly, that was when she started sleeping through.
I wouldn't be able to point exactly how easy or how difficult she was though.
Here is a child who could sleep 12 hours through the night,
But who wanted me beside her at all times for frequent mid-sleep feeds,
& refuses the pacifier flat out despite loving to suckle (even until now. I am currently typing sideways because she refuses to let go of me -_-")
Who would wake up the instant I get off the bed in hopes of starting my chores earlier & without distractions.
Here is a girl who could sit & play on her own on most days,
But refuses to be placed in the walker for her own mobility to be near me while I cook or work at the PC.
She also refuses to sit in the stroller,
But I guess that comes from me wearing her since she was 2 months old.
Thank god she finally warmed up to the high chair,
Though now she is big enough to actually climb out of it mid meal,
With my hands all smeared with food so that I struggle to lower down.
She loves plain water,
When I remember my sister used to have to force her kids to drink,
But could never finish a decent bowl of food,
Whatever that may be.
She could be gobbling down her nestum one day & spitting out entire mouthfuls the next,
& the same goes for the standard porridge or rice with chicken/fish/eggs, fruits, breads/pastries, pastas & anything & everything I feed her.
Regardless, she continues to shoot upwards, causing her to be underweight on her BMI graph.
That could also be due to the fact that she absolutely can't be still when she's awake.
Crawling & climbing & scaling the furniture.
I have actually lost count of the number of times she fell off the bed.
Seriously, im not kidding, I stopped at 10.
(Sorry Hilwa but do know you are impossibly buas!).
But here is a girl who is all smiles & laughter & even kisses (though sometimes she can't help but gag after the kiss lol),
Who can now distinguish between tepuk amai-amai, twinkle twinkle little star & wa bulan,
Who can say nak & tak (though sometimes her understanding of the words is rather questionable lol),
Who could walk if she wanted to but is choosing to take her time (which is sad cause mama was really hoping you'd walk before 1 #asianparent #pressure)
& well, who has simply grown so beautifully, & maybe a little too fast.
I cannot talk about her without sounding obsessive,
Proud,
& I definitely can't stop even if my life depended on it.
Not only due to the fact that I gave birth to her,
But also because she in turn gave me the privilege of being a mum.
Happy first baby girl!

Rants.

Hurgh banyak isu yang nak diperkatakan.
(& you know once I start typing in Malay that I'm not trying to sound smart or deep, I just need to rant).
Let's start with Hilwa's birthday celebration.
Omg we just celebrated her first birthday yesterday,
3 days in advanced & thank god we did coz this weekend semua orang takde pulak.
It was impromptu.
Discuss dengan mama & papa over the fon je through out this week & they agreed to have it at their home,
& mama, abah, Yaya & family was kind enough to come.
Dari menu mee goreng (mama in law's), cucur udang (mama's) & cream puff (yaya's),
Tambah jadi pulut durian (also mama), apple strudel (ngoh bawak balik from Perth), egg tarts (kimi beli), keropok & god knows what else.
Oh & a simple oreo cheesecake that we bought from cake sense.
It was simple & intimate but I really love it when both families meet.
Thank you so much to mama&papa, mama&abah, mok btr, yaya&apis, fai, ngoh, kimi, azizah (eherms kenduri tahun depan perhaps?), anis, layla, ilhan & ayra for being there.
I'm contemplating documenting this by emailing pictures to Hilwa's account but I have a feeling lagi 17 tahun when I actually pass it to her aku je yang emosi lebih.
#tibah.
Ok on to the next issue,
Which is babywearing.
(Which now seem rather puny after reliving the above tapi aku nak tulis jugak).
Ever since I joined the MBW group in fb I've been checking it daily,
Reading about people's experiences & thoughts & opinion which all aligns with my own beliefs,
To the point where I kinda thought I'm living in a world where babywearing is a norm & is considered the best thing a mother could have.
But no, in this world babywearing is hardly a norm.
In my own family for example,
They don't go to the point of putting the idea down,
But they don't see the point of spending money to buy contraptions that allow you to have a baby tied to you especially when they can walk on their own.
& these contraptions don't come cheap so I get it.
But when I was directly assaulted with people putting my husband down for "allowing" me to carry my own child as if its a torture,
As if I did not carry her anyways for 9 months in my stomach which I must stress is way worse than having her strapped to me at least she's not crushing my pelvis,
I didn't expect to react so defensively.
Seriously I didn't know how to be anything else other than defensive yesterday.
It is my choice to carry my child this way,
& I can tell she loves it too.
Keep your opinions to yourself.
(Believe me I've had my share of opinions against you too but I never shoved it in your face, or worse your husband's).
Ok with that done,
Imma touch on 'bicara bts' for this week.
I'd rather not write it down because its not so much a lesson, but more of a realisation to me.
& I'll say this much,
I cannot express how thankful I am to Allah for placing me in this family,
Where I can actually sit alone with my FIL & have a decent conversation without feeling awkward or at a loss for words (that has always been my fear when I used to imagine situations concerning in laws).
& what papa told me actually brought tears to my eyes I was actually furiously blinking them back & cracking lame jokes just to distract myself.
Lol.

Bicara BTS #1

I have been lucky enough to find my way into a family who sits around discussing ilmu basically daily.
From papa, to the two elder brothers, & even to my husband,
I get so much just by listening to them talk.
& it would be an awful waste if I were to forget it,
So I'm writing it down here as I see fit.
Yesterday, papa touched on rezeki.
He bought a bottle of honey about 2 weeks ago.
It was from an old man at the Genting Sempah R&R.
The were many sellers, mostly priced at RM35 per bottle.
But this man sold it for RM30.
He offered papa RM25,
But papa, not really intending to buy the honey, haggled for RM20.
The man was reluctant, & papa started making his way back to the car.
The man called him back, saying if he really wants it he can have it at RM20.
So papa paid for it & brought the honey home & stored it in the cupboard,
& life went on.
The event was so insignificant that no one even mentioned the fact that the honey was bought til yesterday.
A week went by & mama heard some sounds in the kitchen.
She walked in to find the bottle containing the honey had split cleanly in half.
Not a drop of honey was able to be saved,
It dripped down the cupboard & made a mess,
Not to mention it was a pain to clean up.
According to mama & papa, that honey was of a very good quality.
It did not soak the cloth, newspaper & tissue they tried wiping it with (so mama had to scoop it up with her hands),
& did not attract any ants at all.
So papa regretfully recounted the story to us,
Saying how bad he felt for haggling so low with that man,
Who probably needed the money so bad he was willing to make a small profit rather than no sale at all,
When it is common to find honey claiming to be really good, authentic stuff, being sold for 4 times that price.
& just like that, rezeki can be taken from us,
In the form of broken bottles & spilt honey.
I guess another way to look at it is that Allah had intended that man to only make RM20 from papa that day,
But I hope that RM20 went to good use,
& that Allah blesses him with ample rezeki always.

Onya baby Cruiser.

The search has ended.
Onya baby Cruiser in Lapis Blue won my heart.
At first it was between Snuggbaby Stork & Jumpsac Orbit.
Not only are they locally designed & made,
They're also products of WAHMs.
& they're so beautiful, I went nuts just thinking of how customizable they are.
Saw one batik Stork & I went apeshit it's soooo beautiful.
So I started reading reviews.
I was basically living in the Malaysian Babywearers page on Facebook this whole week.
& at first I was set for the Orbit mesh, simply because Hilwa sweats so much.
But last night, at the last possible minute,
I somehow decided to browse for other brands, & Onya caught my attention.
Previously I totally skipped them altogether coz their design is so plain & boring.
I considered Boba for a while but reviews all mention how they attract dust like magnet & I HATE dust,
So it was quickly crossed off my list.
I went back to browsing, this time slowing down at Onya.
The price is seriously not bad.
& Fabulous Mom is having this fabulous sale where on top of a 10% off, they gave the chewie pad for free.
That thing retails for RM 56 I think? Or was it RM 65? But its not cheap.
Started reading on them,
The Outback has a mesh lining,
But when I tried it on I found it rather kasar so I went for the Cruiser instead.
I did give Orbit a try, just to get it out of my system,
& it's insanely soft,
But the features of Onya (& the freebies) has won me.
So now I'm a proud owner of an SSC that can also be fitted onto a chair for my baby to sit in place of a high chair,
Which has pockets & loops & clips (& I'm such a sucker for those little devils),
& Ikhwan has finally agreed to babywear,
During which both Hilwa & him fell sound asleep on the sofa :D
I fully recommend ONYA!

Omg I forgot to add that today Hilwa turns 1 hijrah year old!
Time sure flies.

Love.

(Picture stolen from a friend's Facebook)

Love is a choice.
I learnt that in Ikea.
Out of the many people you come across each day,
You chose a certain someone.
You chose to let your mind wander to them.
You chose to give them a chance.
& after almost two years of marriage,
I still make a very important decision each day,
That is to continue loving.
To choose being patient,
& understanding,
& to forgive (but most often it's just to forget).
Love is purely a choice that you make.
So don't choose to make it complicated.

Mummy's gadgets.

I think its safe to say Hilwa has outgrown the ring sling.
It makes me so sad,
But carrying her while she slept tadi almost broke my shoulder.
It doesn't help that she no longer cares to be still when i put her in so I can't properly adjust the cloth & stuff.
So.. I guess I need an SSC now?
But instead of feeling excited to explore & choose & ultimately spend,
I'm feeling rather unsure.
She's gonna start walking soon (& in my head I'm picturing her walking throughout the day without feeling tired & whiny & needing to nap lol).
& at the same time I want her to sit on the stroller.
We spent so much on that blasted thing.
Plus it's not like she's never done it.
She has fallen asleep in it once (& I have pictures for proof) so Hilwa don't give me the 'I'm not comfortable in the stroller' nonsense.
But as a mother who has had a taste of babywearing,
I can't just not carry her.
I can't.
The idea of stowing away the ring sling for futures babies (if any aherher) is heartbreaking.
But using the sling is shoulder breaking T.T
Then I get to the issue that's bugging me the most,
Which is the freedom/protective balance.
If I carry her, then I place her in the stroller, then I carry her again,
When will she have time to walk on her own, to explore?
If I carry her all the time I might not notice when she wants (or worse, needs to) go down & walk on her own,
& who knows it might hamper her development.
I don't want her to grow up reserved, scared, shy, dependent.
Urgh I don't know.
I guess SSC on standby for napping/truly dangerous environments?
Then what will become of the stroller may I ask?
Sheesh.

The root.

I love how 11 & a half months down,
Baby still roots in the same jerky movements as when she was a newborn.
Rooting has got to be my most favourite act/gesture.
Just ask my husband how much I squealed when I saw this !
Hahahah kesian but so farnee.
I remember being perplexed at the whole idea of breastfeeding even during my pregnancy.
Like, you're gonna allow that to be done to some of your body parts?
All day? Even in public?
But breastfeeding is truly, truly a remarkable experience.
I'm a changed woman.
& when you think you can't possibly love your child more,
Try babywearing.

Sickdays.

You know what is the worst thing about catching a cold?
Not being able to kiss your child.
Yes it sucks that your throat hurts,
Your nose is stuffed,
Your throat itches juuuust as your child is drifting off to sleep so you had to cough,
You feel tired,
& you can't simply feed your child whatever you're eating coz you just licked your finger.
But not being able to kiss her is a whole other level.
I miss this girl so much & she's just right beside me.

Too much, too fast(?)

No, title doesn't relate directly to my last post.
Wait, what am I saying?
It does.
But I'm not here to explain myself,
Or brag that I've achieved so much in like 4 days,
Or anything in between.
I just want to remind myself that change should come from within.
I can cook, clean, iron & sweat all I want.
But what determines how much I've achieved is the amount of love I still feel for my husband at the end (or sometimes as soon as the middle) of the day.
Because I keep finding myself grumbling, mostly out loud, in my tiredness.
& that is a business class ticket untuk pergi jahanam (lulz I just wanted to write pergi jahanam but seriously people).
You know where I should have started?
With my solat.
With my mind & my heart.
Instead of worrying about chores all the 5 times my forehead touches the floor,
I shouldn't have been worrying about anything at all.

To be accomplished.

Life goals, because why wait for the new year to set yourself a challenge?

1) Take on the task of cooking for the family daily. (Yes, judge me all you want. I'm a housewife who doesn't cook because I am lazy. Nothing else. Just plain lazy).

2) Add on ironing to my current laundry tasks. Because obviously if I do it everyday, mama wouldn't end up with a monstrous load every end of the month.

3) Finish that kisah Al-Quran book. On top of not wanting to end up as an air headed, fat housewife, I do want to enter Jannah, yknow.

4) Sweat some (no, chasing Hilwa around the house does not count). She'll be walking soon, you ain't got no excuse for not at least bringing her out to the padang in the evenings.

5) Achieve all the above, on top of assisting Abah (& occasionally Yaya) to earn some of my own bucks every month, current daily laundry & dishes chores & taking care of Hilwa full time without either going mental, dying, or killing someone (lulz).

Honestly when you write it down it doesn't sound that daunting.

& then I will hopefully be able to proudly say I am a fulltime housewife, yes ALL THE CHORES THAT COMES WITH IT plus a hot bod to boot.

Fourth & falling (still).

It's so easy for me to fall in love.
Like when I climbed over Ikhwan's legs to reach down for my charger,
& his hand flew to my arm & gripped it tight.
Because only Hilwa would ever do that, sit on the edge of the bed & reach down to bang the steel sides.
He reached out & gripped me in his sleep,
& made me fall in love again.
Happy fourth, sayang.

Opportunity cost.

Ikhwan came home all excited but almost disappointed just now.
Apparently he got to talking with one of our colleagues, who is a designated trainer,
& she told him she had big plans for me before I resigned.
She said I not only impressed her through out my training,
I impressed a whole lot of other people too in the duration of my working there.
& that I could have been the first person to ever move up to AMO within their first year on the job.
When Ikhwan told me that, my first reaction was
"You do realise if I stayed, you wouldn't have been able to move up".
Regardless, he looked just so.. Heartbroken.
He was looking at me all 'are you crazy not wanting this?! Don't you understand what that means?!'
& honestly, I kind of don't.
If I really did move up, I know I'd have to head a team so drowned in shit I'd probably burn out in the next year.
Remember the last AMO to manage that team fainted flat on her face? Yeah.
& not to mention I'd step over a guy who I look to as a leader, & I don't think he'd take that kindly.
I know for a fact I wouldn't be able to do it to him.
& quite simply, I think the reason why I did so well on that team was because I saw an end in sight.
Though not an end to the problems, but an end where I got to leave it all behind.
& trust me that helps. A lot.
I had one day where I felt so crappy I actually cried the way to work,
I already told Ikhwan to turn back & I'd just go get an MC instead,
But then I realised I had an exit interview scheduled, & just a few more days of crap to deal with that it just gave me the strength to log in.
Tear streaked & all.
Right now I just can't imagine having to deal with additional managerial tasks on top of that crap.
Oh no please god no.
& then there's the question of Hilwa.
I wouldn't trade the world for her.
I loved what I did at work back then.
I loved the fact that my job isn't the same every day, & that I'm faced with different sets of problems on most of the funds my colleagues couldn't place.
(I'm not bragging, I'm just literally handed the task of investigating what the hell these monies are, & about 2 weeks to learn how to do it which means to learn basically everyone's job function on the floor, & how they screwed up lol)
But it's not for me anymore.
I can look back & think of it fondly, Rose Tinted View capital everything.
& I can see why Ikhwan sounded that way.
Plus it would be really nice to take home that kind of salary every month.
(& make him call me boss unnecessarily lol)
But the moment I handed my id tag back to my manager,
I just couldn't associate anymore.
Tho I admit, it was really, really nice to hear people appreciating & recognising my work 10 months after I've left.
Now people, that's the kind of impression you want to leave anyone for that matter.
Tibah.

On the way.

I annoy even myself when I start talking about how I loved & currently miss my birthing experience.
The thing is,
I can't help but feel like I missed out on Hilwa's pregnancy.
I was too worried that I got pregnant too soon,
That I wasn't ready,
That I didn't have money,
What was I gonna do after she was born I can't just freaking quit my job?!
& most of all, I was worried people were gonna laugh at me, who was so sure I wouldn't fall into the bunting pelamin category.
I was so worried & depressed.
& before I knew it she was born.
This... Suci little thing.
So despite strict orders of not breathing a word about it at least until this weekend,
I can't help but write this tonight.
Because I can't get it out of my head.
I can't help but worry, again.
But mostly I can't help but feel excited,
Nervous,
Restless,
& I just want your journey to go as smoothly as possible.
Oh it's still a long journey to travel.
I can't pray hard enough for Allah to protect you with the best of His protection all the way.
Thank you for allowing an outdated mother to feel all this belated feelings.
You are already so extraordinary, & I can't help but fall for you so hard.

P/s: no I'm not pregnant. My nurse will kill me if I am.

Life lessons in Billy.

I can't quite put down this week without sounding cliché.
Or corny.
Or selfish.
It was definitely eventful.
For the nation,
The world,
& myself personally.
& I kept having billy talent creep up on me with tiny surprises.
Nuggets of what they are laid down tantalising.
So tonight Hilwa finally made way for me to revisit them.
& I found that there is nothing in stand up & run anymore.
I found that there is strength, & peace (oh so much peace), in hanging by a thread.
& I found the much needed familiarity in the closing half of the album, rather than what used to be in the opening.
Tiny lessons picked out here & there,
Surprisingly missed before.
Somehow Ben sounds like he is taking his time to make me understand all this.
Slowing down & pronouncing each syllable with, almost like, patience.
Oh peace.
Much needed peace.
Now I'm going to go & drink in dead silence.
Both on it's own, & as a whole.

Valspeak.

I really can't remember what made me wiki 'valley girl' in the first place,
But my head is full of random nasally voices right now,
Saying phrases like 'grody to the max'.
Which I honestly don't get, like how did gross become grody lol
Anyways,
Don't you find it so incredible that we Malays actually managed to translate valspeak into our own language?
The most apparent being the usage of the word 'cam' in place of 'like'.
'& I was, like... Whateverrr'
'Pastu aku, cam.. Pape jelahhh'.
Awesome.
So I guess stupidity, or at least wanting to appear stupid (like, why?),
Is universal?
Lol

Randoms & #throwback, mungkin.

Sambung cerita pasal syukur semalam.
Bila baby finally tidur for the night.
Istilah yang kakak aku guna, "settle".
Meaning they have settled down.
But malam ni meaning "settle" tu untuk aku is selesai, habis. Finally.
She was so super cranks today.
Sampai tahap Abah pun penat dengar dia menangis.
But now, sitting in this sepoi-sepoi bahasa-ness of the angin aircond,
Listening to only the best sound ever which is the fan, & nothing else.
Oh syukur.
For this few silent minutes or hours,
Where I get to do absolutely anything I want,
Which, lately, only means reading back harry potter lol.
Tadi punya tahap stress sampai aku tiba-tiba rindu being pregnant.
Despite reminding myself of the loss of appetite & the weird nauseating random smells & the heartburns & the heaviness & the bone-splitting pain in my groin,
I miss that time when she was still small enough to fit inside me & was suspended in water so she wasn't able to make any noise.
Hahah!
But of course I only feel that way because when seen from this side of the experience,
The memory of needing to pee really bad but finding yourself unable to lift your leg up high enough to remove your pants is actually kinda funny.

Celebrations.

It has been such an eventful weekend.
Kicked off with some good news from papa.
Then on Saturday Hilwa turned 8 months old.
& today marks 18 months of us being married.
Oh & father's day!
Lying in the semi darkness of my room right now,
I feel... Syukur.
I'm not elated or ecstatic or anything extreme.
Actually I love how in moments like this I feel more fear than happiness.
I know Ikhwan & Hilwa & all of my family & friends are simply loaned to me.
& they can be taken back at anytime.
Anytime at all.
Ikhwan & I have been talking about rezeki a lot lately.
Because that is one lesson Allah has taught me so much on not just since Hilwa was born, but since we got married.
& with every ease He gifts me,
I hope I grow more humble,
More syukur,
I hope Ikhwan will continue reminding me of how blessed we are,
& I hope Hilwa will continue to grow in health so she can keep me in check on 'kun fayakun'.
At times like this I always find myself out of words.
But the beauty of it is you can be sure Allah knows exactly what it is you're incapable of saying.
Alhamdulillah, Allahuakbar.

Future worries.

When I was pregnant with Hilwa,
I was worried.
Worried financially.
Worried at work.
Worried I won't be able to love her.
I never did feel any 'connection' with her while I was carrying her.
I never really talked to her, unless she kicked me really hard or is making me uncomfortable.
I never went all 'awww' seeing her during ultrasounds.
I was just worried she wouldn't fit in my heart because at that time there was only space for Ikhwan.
That was until I actually felt her inching down my vajayjay & the nurse held her with her legs apart so I could see she was a girl.
No tears came, though my eyes did sting when I looked at Ikhwan.
I guess it's coz I saw how pucat he was & I was afraid he'd faint.
Since then, & especially now, I know it's possible to love 2 people so fiercely,
I've been feeling like my heart expanded just to make room for her,
& is continuing to do so as she's growing up.
But lately something's been nagging at the back of my head.
Even though it's way too early for me to consider a 2nd child,
The idea of it has been floating around in my head.
Ever since my stitches healed & I've been missing the whole birthing experience,
& especially since I decided to stop my hormones-family-planning japs.
Not that I want to try immediately,
Medically I'm forbidden from trying for the time being.
But it's gonna come sooner or later.
& without even realising it, Hilwa's already almost 8 months old.
Time flies.
What's bugging me the most about thinking of being pregnant again,
Is surprisingly not the morning sickness & the heartburns & the pelvis pains.
But the fact that when the time comes,
I have to learn to love a 3rd person.
& right now all I want to do is love Hilwa.
I can't imagine leaving her to go give birth,
Telling her no I can't tend to you because your younger sibling is priority right now,
That I am no longer all hers,
As what she seems to think nowadays because the moment she sees me she goes berserk no matter what she's doing or who she's with.
I know I wouldn't have to force myself to love,
As what happened when Hilwa was born.
But the thought is still... Unsettling.
I've been randomly telling Ikhwan I'm perfectly content with Hilwa,
He entertains me by saying yes ok.
I guess we'll see what happens.

Raya.

It just dawned on me that for raya this year we don't only need to budget for duit raya,
We need to think about Hilwa's baju raya as well.
God.
I really should stop buying clothes & start saving money for all this.
But you can't blame me, all the designers & fv are going apeshit over raya collections that it's just so temptinggg..
But the problem is I buy now then I gotta wear now then for raya I'd wanna buy more.
Urgh I just can't win.
But yeah..
The thought of being able to splurge a little on Hilwa's bajus is really getting me excited.
H&m has got really cute & reasonably priced dresses & stuff.
Imma go apeshit on that!
Speaking of raya,
I've been toying with the idea of bringing Hilwa to the mosque with me for sembahyang raya that morning.
I think it was 2 rayas ago that the imam in his khutbah mentioned that sembahyang raya is one occasion where all the women & kids are actually encouraged to go to the mosque.
If your child is too small to be left alone while you pray, then just sit at the back & make sure you don't disturb the congregation while they pray.
Come early to takbir together, stay for the khutbah, meet people & most importantly celebrate raya.
It was one of the most beautiful things I heard, & last year my sister brought both layla & ilhan along.
There were so many other kids too, one girl was still in her jammies & hair all tousled from sleep.
So cute.
So yeah.. I've been toying with the idea.
Which brings me to, of course, the topic of fashion.
Should I buy Hilwa a baju kurung for raya?
I don't think she would already be able to walk in 2 months' time (but hey, whaddo I know).
Oh well I guess I'll leave that for the annual ramadhan pkns shopping trip I have with mama & see where she's at outfit-wise & abilities-wise.
Oh & of course this raya is supposed to be celebrated in Kelantan unless my grandmother-in-law decides to come down here instead like everyone's been pujuking her to.
Fingers crossed!

Need (to spend).

I've been going pure mental on clothes this month.
I have 1 jubah & 2 baju kurungs at the tailor,
I bought 2 more jubahs that need altering,
Then my mum bought me another jubah,
& today I bought 2 tops,
All of which is currently in the laundry basket awaiting to be washed before I could wear them.
That's a lot of clothes.
Like it's not funny what is wrong with me?
& I still feel like I need more.
Just cause I can't wear all of them right now.
But why would I want to wear them right now,
It's almost 11pm I need to sleep!
Is this what housewifehood is about?
Shopping, just cause you're bored?
Next in the list I need a new closet.

Epa is married!

Every time I go to a wedding,
Especially that of a close friend,
I always fail to take pictures using my own camera.
It's not that I don't remember,
Usually I'm just not able to reach into my handbag for my phone,
& really it's just too much hassle, what with the photographer already laden with other people's phones & such.
& I love arriving at weddings late.
You'll never see me before 2 pm (if it's a non-formal lunch wedding.
Because that's when the crowd is just nuts.
& the pengantin would have just arrived,
& they'll be busy with the makan beradab, bersanding & taking pics with their families.
So I'd rather pass all of that & catch the pengantin after everything has toned down & maybe steal a chat.
We stole a chat alright, during Epa's wedding just now.
We stayed quite long & it was almost 4pm so I think there's only mostly family left.
(We were waiting for Sya who was so lost I can't even -_-")
The groom went to solat so we had the bride all to ourselves,
Languishing on her pelamin as if we were back in our dorm rooms instead of in public,
& worse still she's the bride!
But it was good.
These are the people who made Perak bearable for me.
Epa herself used to hand feed me dinner because I was too lazy,
& play with my hair coz I liked it & I felt like it.
She spoilt me rotten.
I could have snapped a picture but it was too much of a hassle.
My handbag was with Ikhwan & Hilwa was cranky,
But really, it was so much more fun to just gossip around with the girls rather than pose & such.
But it would've been nice to be able to put a picture up here.
Urgh I'm so torn.

Geek phones.

Well, phones in general.
My nexus 4 just died out on me.
I was sure battery was above 60%,
Hilwa wasn't playing with it, so it wasn't dropped or being drooled on.
In fact I was just using it like 5 minutes before.
It just died out on me.
Screen went completely blank like it was off,
& the power on button did nothing.
I tried calling it from another phone, it was ringing,
But the phone itself was dead.
No lights, no sound, not vibrating.
My first instinct was to ask my brother.
But he wasn't replying.
Then it crossed my mind to just Google the problem.
I was halfway through typing 'nexus 4 suddenly died' when Google suggested 'sudden death'.
Oh shit.
Known problem.
Sounds bad.
Apparently not.
There were a few solved threads & I was only on step one of the suggested solution when it came back to life.
Thank god.
I always end up buying/owning unpopular phones,
Mainly cause my brother has made me into a nexus fan.
I complain about the most brainless things,
Like the fact I can never get cute casings for my phone.
& sometimes it does bother me that parts are harder to get compared to a Samsung for example.
(My battery bloated up after the KitKat update & the only reason I got a replacement for it was because there was a dead nexus 4 at the shop I went to which still had a good battery so the technician was able to swap it. If it wasn't for that I'm not sure how long I'd have to wait or how much it's gonna cost).
But at least I know if there are any problems with this phone,
I can just geek out online & find a solution.
& that's why I always go nexus.
But a word of advise,
& this I only accidentally did when I logged into G+ to delete my old pictures,
Always back up your pictures!
Especially now that I snap so many random things of Hilwa on a daily basis.
It's good to know G+ is always running in the background backing up stuff.
That is one major reason why I could still calmly whatsapp why brother when my phone died.
Teehee

The word 'complaints' has absolutely nothing to do with bring complacent.

Hilwa finally, FINALLY settled down after 2 hours, 2 stinky diapers & god knows how many feeds.
Now that she's mobile,
(Pfft crawling is so last week. She has also mastered standing up in her cot while holding the railing, so confident that now she has begun to jump up & down for god knows what reason. & don't let me even begin on her reaching up to random furnitures downstairs & trying to stand).
Anyways, now that she's mobile,
When she refuses to sleep it means I'm constantly on alert lest she falls off the side of the bed.
& boy she's fast.
& adamant.
& strong, when she's adamant.
Every night the moment she goes down I am just drained.
I'd fall asleep in minutes.
Which means I'll be a dead log next to husband dearest.
Which brings me to the topic that's been bugging me since it was first brought to my attention by my attending nurse.
Birth control.
That silly 3-monthly jab is wrecking havoc in my life,
Or more specifically my menses cycle.
& with ramadhan coming up, I'm very unhappy about it.
I have talked to Ikhwan's cousin who's a doctor & she was supportive of me stopping that method.
There's plenty of other methods I can go for,
& right now it's actually totally redundant that I'm even talking about contraceptives when I'm celibate.
Lol.
I just need to pick up the courage to ring my nurse & tell her abstinence is the way to go.
No really, I should talk to her soon.
Sigh.
I don't even know why I'm so tired these days.
I wake up late,
(But to be fair I sleep late as well),
Which means I have less daylight to do things.
& what things do I do?
The occasional shipment, which has decreased significantly compared to those crazy days earlier this year.
& laundry.
That's all I'm officially in charged of at home.
Hell I don't even cook.
I can't even find the time to bloody cook for my husband, what kind of a shitty housewife am I?
The thing is, even bathing & feeding myself is such a chore.
With Hilwa now throwing a tantrum & crying til she's choking on her sobs & red in the face sweating bullets & all,
Just because I took a quick toilet break.
It's not funny.
& what's even shittier is when I can't even find the time during the day to feed her,
So I always push it til way past a normal person's dinner time.
Which shouldn't be normal, she's a growing child why am I prioritizing feeding her her solids last?
I just can't face feeding her when I'm alone sometimes.
Too. Much. Stress.
I keep telling myself it'll get easier as she grows bigger.
I'll just keep telling myself that til she goes to college.
Til then, I'll allow myself these rants every once in a while.
That is all.

Detoxifying.

I finally looked into getting rid of all of my jahiliyyah photos in this blog.
Thank god for Google+, all I had to do was just delete them from the album.
Now the tough part would be fb.
I've procrastinated long enough.
I did start.
I privatised all of my old albums & profile pictures.
But there's still my wedding albums,
& worse still, tagged photos.
I'm going to need to untag them one by one.
& probably beg on a status so people would delete them, or at least set it to private,
Which I hope they would.
Like I said, I've put it off for a long time.
Not because it's such a daunting task.
But because these are memories I'd like to keep & it's convenient to have these pictures at a click of my finger.
Who knows I might need it someday, I kept telling my conscience.
Who knows I might miss that moment & would like to have a look back at it.
Then Allah whispered into me,
Go make other memories then.
& here I am.
It's a start.

Mushy.

I feel like talking about my brother tonight.
I've been blogging about my daughter & my daughter & my husband & my daughter & practically no one else,
So tonight let's talk about my brother.
We go way back.
Knew him since 88.
Lol.
But seriously.
When I say we go way back,
I mean this is the guy I used to bathe with,
We'd plug the hole in mama's bathtub & let the shower run til the reserve tank dried out.
We skated in the house by pouring half a bottle of talc on the floor & putting socks on to reduce friction (physics babies pfft).
He taught me how to swim,
Or to be more precise, to be confident in the water even though I didn't know how to swim.
We snuck off to hop in to eat maggi cup when we were supposed to be at swimming lessons.
We weren't supposed to be eating maggi back then.
He didn't mind me tagging along when he started hanging out at ou with his friends.
His friends, since he was in primary school, has always ended up becoming my friends.
That carried on to university,
When he would call his friends up to give me a ride home on weekends.
& check up on me in my room when I fell sick.
He would listen to me rant on the phone about how much I hated the place,
All the while I was sure I had total control over my voice so that he didn't know I was crying,
Then he would casually announce to kak gayah 'nangis' right after we hung up.
He shared music with me.
His secret of being a smoker when no one back home knew.
& I was the first introduced to his then-girlfriend-now-wife.
Or any girlfriends before that, for that matter.
& when my husband & I finally broke the news that we were pregnant,
Instead of taunting me with the fact that I got unplannedly knocked up just like I said I wouldn't be,
He discreetly asked my husband 'lya ok tak?'.
Because he, of all people, knew I wasn't.
It was ridiculous that he even asked.
But we did have our fair share of fights.
I was flying-kicked once.
I literally flew against a chair.
& I remember him calling me 'menyusahkan' when I feel off my bike & scraped my knee & just sat at the curb crying til he passed by.
But despite that he got off his bike,
Told me to get up & walked me home.
To the guy, who I once accidentally referred to as 'not family',
Simply because he's also a best friend.
Because I feel like it tonight.

Capture.

If I wasn't concerned with aurat,
I would so instagram this scene of baby drinking from me with her fingers splayed across my chest.
Make that a video, with sounds of the rain & the fan in the background.
But do you ever notice how what our eyes see can never be perfectly captured by the camera.
Or maybe I'm just that bad at photography.

Clingy.

Ever since Hilwa demam haritu,
She's been super clingy.
To me & only me.
Ke tahap even if papa or tok ana dukung dia,
She would struggle towards me & cry bila tak dapat.
(On the plus side though, dia dah pandai push herself up into a sitting position & also semalam dia berdiri sambil pegang railing cot)
So she's been sleeping on our bed for a few nights now.
Sebab bila letak dia kat cot,
Tak sampai setengah jam dia dah terjaga & merengek & as soon as aku angkat dia naik katil kitorang she would fall back asleep.
Semalam Ikhwan balik kerja we both just automatically fell into each others arms,
& said how much we miss each other.
But despite that,
Hilwa took some time to fall asleep.
By then aku dah penat nak mampus,
& when I woke up just now he was already leaving for office.
Tetibe rasa macam tidur atas katil besar yang kosong.
Yes Hilwa was also up & as usual menyondol-nyoldol sambil senyum kambing dia.
But I miss my husband.
So, so much.
At this rate,
I don't think we can even leave her for a short dinner together,
Let alone have the bed to ourselves & fall asleep in each other's arms like old times.
Gosh, like old times.
It does feel ages ago.
Baby kasi can mama papa pls T.T
(Disclaimer: when I said falling asleep in each other's arms, I do mean that. Tiada aksi ranjang yang cuba diselindungkan lol)

Last Vegas (2013).

"The thing is... It's crazy, but whenever something spectacular happens to me, the first thing I want to do is tell my wife about it. And, after 40 years of marriage, if I can't tell her about something wonderful that happened to me, it sort of stops being wonderful."

Usually I'm the one getting emotional during movies.
But this time,
This time it wasn't just me.
:)

Fever.

Ada budak demam harini.
First official demam la sebab siap ke clinic bagai.
Haritu lepas inject 5th month demam jugak mlm tu tapi sikit je, by the time papa dia balik keje temp dah turun.
Tapi kali ni dia 38.++ since bgn pagi tadi kul 10 lebih.
Lepas mandi turun sikit to 37+, then naik balik.
Bawak die pergi collect ic baru kitorg.
Melepet je, bila peluk badan memang rasa bahang.
Bawak pi ou plak, sbb plan harini adalah nak gi visit Chuna & baby baru, so gi carik present.
Duduk stroller sekejap pastu dia start menjerit.
Badan still panas.
Mata dah stim.
Masa kitorg lunch nak kena berdukung je.
Even tho dia melawan taknak bagi aku dodoi dia tido, aku tau dia tak larat.
Papa kata bawak gi clinic la jom.
Cancelled all plans.
Sampai clinic kul 2.10.
Doc baru keluar lunch break.
Nasib baik assistant/nurse dia ada.
Bagi kitorg masuk pastu dia tanya baby demam ke apa?
Aku kata yes, temp since morning has been above 38.
Dia tanya baby berapa bulan?
6.
Aiyoo, kata dia.
Dia ambik thermometer dia, dah 39.1.
Dua-dua telinga dia ambik reading.
Terus dia call doc then suruh masukkan ubat bontot half pill.
Lepas tu Hilwa Anis tido berpeluh-peluh sampai jumpa doc.
By then temp dah down to 37.1.
Doc kata nasib baik cepat sampai.
Panas sikit lagi dah sawan budak ni.
Huhu
Memang tengok dia pun dah lembik masa tu.
Selalu nya kalau kasi dia berdiri dia akan lompat-lompat & gelak-gelak.
Just now she couldn't even hold her feet straight.
Ni sekarang dah normal balik.
Lepas makan ubat tadi susukan dia konon-konon nak suruh tido.
Dia minum sampai kenyang pastu gelak.
Sekarang dia dah mengengsot sampai kaki aku & menjilat-jilat lutut.
-_-"
Well I'm glad you're feeling better.
Whatever.

Alkisah roda 4.

Setelah aku mengigau 2 malam lepas suruh Ikhwan 'angkat stroller',
Kami telahpun membeli stroller baru.
Tapi trip sulung stroller tersebut dari kedai ke kereta terbantut dengan Hilwa melalak & akhirnya aku masukkan dalam sling.
Tinggallah aku menolak stroller lama & Ikhwan stroller baru, yang kedua-duanya kosong,
Macam orang meroyan.
Diharapkan kejadian tersebut hanyalah kerana Hilwa dah laparmengantukpenat lepas diusung ke hulu ke hilir dalam ou lebih 6 jam.
(Parking mencecah rm4 walaupun pakai onecard).
Kat kedai tadi Hilwa kelihatan bukan main contented dalam stroller display.
Dialas dengan stroller pad warna pink terang,
Bukan main syahdu muka dia.
Malangnya stroller pad tersebut akan menipiskan lagi wallet mama papa sebanyak rm140.
Jadi aku kata kita balik experiment dengan stroller pad yang dah ada kat rumah.
Walaupun hati dah mula rindu dekat yang pink tu dan jari-jari mula click website kedai baby carik cheaper deals/brands.
Bismillah, mintak-mintak it fits perfectly & baby happy & semua ok.
Kalau tak memang mama meroyan tolak anak kucing dalam stroller baru.
Tengok-tengok anak kucing pun nangis taknak naik stroller T.T
Kisahnya aku takleh tidur sekarang ni.
Tak tau la excited sgt dengan stroller baru ke,
Sbb minum petang balun kopi ke,
Atau aftermath agenda-agenda lain yang berlaku harini.
Tapinya,
Life candy crush semua, SEMUA dah habis.
Handphone papa sekali selamat.
Haih.

Senseless.

You know what a mother does?
She complains about her daughter not sleeping,
& forces said baby to go to sleep.
Then she would lay wide awake for hours,
Looking through her phone at pictures of the baby,
Thinking how much she misses that little thing & how she would kill for a cuddle.
& as soon as she begins to drift off to sleep,
She would hear the baby stirring,
& curses the fact that now she would have to get up & nurse.
& that, really, is most probably why mothers have eye bags.

Needs.

Baby is asleep.
It's the second time she fell asleep on her own today.
I wish I could sleep as well, but my sister is so close to reaching home,
& my husband should be off work in 20 minutes.
Plus I'm craving for some pastries so bad it's not even funny.
I'm bored, & I'm at a risk of gomol-ing my daughter & waking her up,
So here I am typing.
What is there to say?
Nothing at all.
I wish I could publish one post where I didn't talk about my daughter.
I'm so annoyed with myself now that I have turned into a typical child-obsessed mother.
But I can't really be blamed, can I.
I am stuck with her 24 hours a day.
Unless I start talking about laundry or the amount of hair that is falling off my bed & is littering my room.
It bugs me to high heavens, my God.
I need a robot vacuum pronto.

Chapped.

I know I just blogged a longass post,
& I haven't even read through it to edit & stuff.
But we're spending tonight in a hotel.
Hilwa's first time.
We woke her up super early this morning & she's been lemau the entire day.
All she wanted to do was sleep, & when she couldn't she was just cranky.
But we spent a lot of time travelling in the car, or walking around malls,
& probably 70% of the time she was asleep.
She napped for an hour plus after we checked in,
& even slept while I carried her back to the car after dinner.
Basically, she slept a lot through out today.
So naturally when we actually wanted her to sleep for the night, she wouldn't.
She fell asleep for a short while after I nursed her, then woke up again.
She just became so hyper.
Kicking & screaming & scratching.
I lost count of the number of times I nursed her,
& every time I carried her to try & rock her to sleep, she'd scream bloody murder.
Until about 2 am when she just rolled around weakly & I noticed a tiny dark stain on the bed.
Upon further inspection, it was blood.
Her lips were cracked.
It must've been the dry conditioned air.
Or the numerous times we went from sun to air cond to sun to air cond through out the day.
But when I fed her some plain water, she gobbled down 3 spoonfuls.
Then she went right to sleep after barely 5 minutes of suckling me.
I'm sure doctors have done extensive research when they recommended that babies drink nothing else but breast milk until they're 6 months old.
But really, in Malaysia, I don't think that's 100% feasible.
No wonder shops sell baby-safe chapsticks & stuff.
Ridiculous.

The extremely long labour story.

I'm up 45 minutes too early,
& I suddenly thought of my labour experience.
Rindu the first hours alone with Hilwa,
How at peace & content I felt.
Just realised that I never blogged about it so what the heck.
It all started at noon sharp on 12th Oct.
I was up in bed just lazing around with Ikhwan, deciding what to do that day & stuff,
When I suddenly felt a gush of water coming out.
I was puzzled at first thinking I'd have peed myself because at that point I was but only when I sneeze or cough, or when I'm in deep sleep.
I rushed to the toilet & saw it was tinged with blood.
I proudly announced my water has broke, bathed & just waited.
I came out again bit by bit & I was convinced.
I read that when your water breaks sometimes it won't gush out like in the movies coz the baby's head is plugging the opening.
After checking again & seeing blood again, I told Ikhwan I want to go to the hospital.
I wish I hadn't though, coz we were told to go home lol.
I had to take off my undies & they stuffed this plastic thing to jack me open.
They tested the wetness to confirm if its my amniotic fluid, but couldn't confirm that.
I was 1 cm dilated, no contractions.
So we went home.
Kesian Ikhwan, as it was the weekend he had to walk all the way to emergency in order to register me in, & it was all wasted.
In the car on the way back, at 5 pm sharp, I felt my first contraction.
It grew steadily & by maghrib I was rolling around on my bed every time it came.
I timed it using the contraction app & it was once every 4 minutes if I remember correctly.
So we went to the hospital again, this time my mum came along.
I encountered an annoying nurse who commented on my address & told me I 'belonged' to hkl instead of selayang.
She ratted me off to the doctor, who then said 'biar la orang nak pergi mana pun, dia tengah sakit ni kan?'
Hilyah 1, annoying nurse 0.
They hooked me up to the machine that records the baby's heart beat & my contraction.
I hate that bloody thing with my whole heart as you have to lay really still lest the machine loses the baby.
To be clear, it is impossible to lay down flat when the contraction comes.
I would turn to the side & grab the bed sides,
& when the nurse is there to 'monitor' me, I almost kicked her.
But still they told me my contractions were only 1 in 10 minutes, & only 2 cm dilated.
Yep, shooed home again.
After yet another trip to the emergency by Ikhwan.
Seriously people, do not go into labour on a weekend!
But later on my sister & mum did say I was lucky it was the weekend & most doctors were off, as they would probably have cut my open by Sunday night or something.
The pain intensified through out the ride home & all through the night.
My sister came over, then Imara, bless their souls.
All of them gave me back rubs as taught by my mum,
& I was just there on all fours every time the contractions came.
We decided at 1 am plus to try to sleep & wake up bright & early to go to the hospital.
Impossible.
Every time I was about to drift off to sleep the contractions came & I'd shake Ikhwan up to rub my back.
I pitied him, & I was getting tired myself.
At 2 am plus I decided it's not working & said I want to go back to the hospital.
There were times when my contraction was 2 minutes apart,
It must be getting close I thought.
(Pfft).
We woke my mum up & went again.
I was still 2 cm dilated, contractions 1 in 10.
I swear to God there's something calming about the drive that slows down my contractions.
I could just feel it slowing down every time we drove to the hospital, & I was so pissed.
The doctor looked at my records & said 'kalau saya suruh awak balik pun kejap lagi mesti awak datang balik'.
Lol!
So I chose to be admitted.
There were only class 2 beds available, & Ikhwan had to go to emergency, again, in the dead of the night, to register me in & put down a deposit.
Then they stuck a needle into my hand & I was declared a patient.
The needle thing was cool though, I could see blood accumulating in the tube & they flushed it out with some water.
It felt so cool.. As in temperature.
I dunno, it was cool at the time.
Once I got to my cubicle, they allowed my mum & Ikhwan to stay til morning when the doctors came for their rounds.
I sat alone not really knowing what to do.
Then this Indian cleaner came & started making small talk, asking the gender of my baby.
I said not sure.
She asked me how does it hurt?
I said in the back.
She confidently said girl. If it's a boy it'd hurt in the stomach.
I just laughed her off.
Then it was a blur of various people sticking their fingers in to check.
By 8 am plus I was 4 cm dilated.
I asked for painkillers, I was so tired I just wanted a break & to sleep.
So they hooked me up to the bloody machine then gave me an injection.
It dulled probably 2 contractions, then by the 3rd it was back full force & I was awake again.
They sent breakfast, lunch & tea, I ate just to keep alive.
Ikhwan & my mum was somewhere in the hospital, dead tired, & I was desperate to just get the baby out.
At 5 pm during the visiting hours my mum, brother & sister in law came.
She took me around the ward, just to walk & get things going.
I asked for the painkiller again.
It felt so long then, but now I realised it's not even 12 hours since I had the last one.
They injected me at around 6 plus,
& by the time my mum in law returned from her prayers I was fast asleep.
Not long after I woke up to Ikhwan & my mum, then Ikhwan went home.
Well I don't really remember the exact time they came & left.
Maybe they went home earlier then came again during visiting hours.
But all I know that night my mum stayed at the hospital & she told Ikhwan to go home & recharge.
At 8.30 pm Sunday they checked me again,
I was still at 4 cm dilated.
I texted my mum, almost in tears,
& she told me to just relax.
As if she didn't need to sleep.
As if she's perfectly comfortable there on a hard chair somewhere & could wait forever.
God a mother's love.
So I just.. Waited.
I stood by my bed & girated in figure 8s to loosen my pelvis.
I listened to surah maryam on my phone.
I sat, laid down, menonggeng.
Everything.
I remember going to the toilet a few times but nothing came out & I felt so desperate.
I dunno why I was convinced if I could poo a bit, my cervix would loosen up.
In the wee hours of the morning I just couldn't take it & pressed the red button to call the nurse.
The pain was getting too much.
My favourite doctor ever came, a young Chinese lady who was so gentle & soft spoken. I forgot to get her name.
She checked me & told me I'm still at 4 cm, but my baby's a bit low.
She discussed with the nurse about bringing me to the labour room,
Then they told me to just prepare my stuff.
I requested for my mum to come in coz I just didn't have any strength left to rummage through my bag & find my baby's stuff.
I called my mum & she came in & the doctor spoke to her.
From then on she just allowed my mum tp stay & rub my back, & I remember she would fall asleep in her chair with her head on the bed & I wouldn't want to wake her but the pain is too much all I could do was poke her hand.
Mama told me to go freshen up (as I haven't bathed in more than 24 hours & I just forgot the entire concept of personal hygiene).
I brushed my teeth & washed my face, & came out of the toilet shivering violently.
She gave me my sweater & wrapped me in my towel.
The nurse also gave me a pill (inserted up the ass, no point in censoring that out) that was supposed to empty my bowels.
Coz, you know, you wouldn't wanna poo while pushing your baby out right.
I was just so desperate to poo I went straight away & nothing much came out.
But then again it's not like I've been eating much for the past, I dunno, 1 & half days?
But yeah.. It felt good to just go, & getting that pill meant it was finally my turn to head to the labour room.
Then at 5 am they finally wheeled me into the labour room.
I went to the toilet again, it was so spacious.
Then they told me to change from the pink clothes to a white dress thing, which ties at the back.
A young, probably new doctor, tried to break my water bag but couldn't.
She said my baby's head is a bit low & she's scared of accidentally poking it.
They hooked me on to the bloody machine again.
& slowly I start to hear the labour room start to fill with doctors & midwives as the day began.
There were excited chatter as it's one day before hari raya haji.
Sometime later a more experience doctor came to break my water bag & she did it so quick I was impressed lol.
In the labour room I kind lost track of time coz there wasn't a clock in there.
Felt like 2 hours, but I was actually in there for about 5 hours.
Well, after they broke my water bag things sped along.
With every contraction I felt the baby's head going down.
I was clinging on to the sides of the bed & the nurses were worried I'd topple the bed over lol.
Oh yeah, at 6 am plus Ikhwan came, & my mum also called my dad to come fetch her so they switched 'shifts'.
My mum barely made it home before it was time to push.
& also, somehow even though I just went to the toilet the moment I got to the labour room, I felt this overwhelming need to pee & I literally felt my bladder filling up with more urine as I held it in.
I told one of the nurses, she actually said I can just let it go on the bed.
They'd clean me up after.
& I seriously considered that, only I couldn't.
No matter how hard I tried I just couldn't & it started to hurt real bad.
So another nurse actually stuck like a tube in & drew it out into a container like you see in the movies where they place organs during/after an operation.
It took so long to get everything out,
& that container was almost full to the brim I remember thinking 'it'd be epic if she tripped & dropped that thing while carrying it to the toilet to dispose it lol.
Honestly I had weird thoughts in the labour room.
But yeah, I think that peeing thing was due to the fact I was hooked up to a drip.
Which I didn't know why, & which caused my right hand to swell up like nobody's business.
At around 7 am plus I think the midwife opened up her set & told me I could push if I wanted to, but my contraction was ending so even when I pushed I didn't feel anything.
So she abandoned me & went elsewhere.
I sat listening to the sounds, & a lady screaming her head off & getting scolded by her midwife, then giving birth just moments after despite her drama of not being able to push due to the pain.
That was hilarious.
Somewhere along the way though the midwife did say I could push softly with each contraction just to speed things along I guess.
It was the exact thing I needed to hear.
& I'm not embarrassed nor do I feel guilty to say that I didn't just 'push a little'.
It's not like I could hold myself from pushing.
With every contraction my body just shook violently & I would just let it go & allow it to do whatever nature intended it to do.
& nature never intended me to push softly.
It felt good though, contraction, body shaking violently, & everything that came with it.
All this while the baby's head was going lower & lower, & I asked Ikhwan to call the midwife as I could actually feel the baby between my legs.
She came in & told me I could push again.
Then she said she could see the baby's hair, & invited Ikhwan to see too, which he did.
I pushed along with my contraction, & really it wasn't hard at all coz honestly the pain is bad when you hold yourself from pushing.
I just completely let go after my first try just now & just did what my body wanted to.
After 3 pushes I think, over 2 contractions, the baby shot out.
I remember distinctly the machine bleeped urgently as it lost 'sight' of my baby.
The midwife held her up with her legs apart & told me to see the gender.
I said 'girl', looking at Ikhwan slightly sad that I was wrong my entire pregnancy hahah.
I saw that he was pale & told him to drink some water or sit down.
He left the room to make some calls.
They took my baby immediately to get her checked after the really long labour.
Then brought her back after some time, all bathed & dressed & wrapped.
Now I don't know which happened before what, but I started nursing the baby,
The midwife stitched me up,
& Ikhwan fed me nasi goreng & Milo (which I sucked through a straw cut out from medical tubes hahaha).
The stitching part I barely felt anything, I dunno whether it was the adrenaline, or because I've stretched my skin so much they lost all feeling.
Oh yeah before that they injected me on my left thigh to help me 'birth' the placenta.
The midwive kinda just pulled on the tali pusat,
& she told me to cough a few times as the force would help expel it.
I don't think it's wise to push, I don't know.
I didn't actually feel anything,
But knowing that I've been snipped, & now she's tugging something else out, it was a bit ngilu.
But then again I have an over-active imagination & like I said, I actually didn't feel anything except for the plop of the placenta when it came out.
Like balloon filled halfway with water & it's all lembik & droopy.
Then they let me rest for a while before changing me back to the pinks & rolling me back to my cubicle.
My brother was in the hall with his daughter, but I just saw him passing by.
Shortly after he left because his daughter was sleepy.
He couldn't come in the ward because it wasn't visiting hours yet.
They didn't even let Ikhwan or my mum stay.
Then I got to sleep for the first time in 48 hours.
It was just a short nap, & I woke up again slightly after 11 am & snapped pictures of my girl & just laid there.
I must have dozed off again, coz when I woke up it was noon & imara was sitting beside my bed.
I left my baby with her & went to the toilet to change out of the bloody stuff.
Pretty brave, thinking back, just having been stitched & all.
Then Ikhwan came from home, along with some lauk my mum cooked.
After 2 nights of no sleep she still went home to cook for me & for raya the next day.
It was just me, ikhwan & imara that afternoon.
Then that evening for the 5 pm visiting time,
My in laws came, jepp, then my mum came at almost 7 pm, bringing along some lauk raya lol!
I just rested that night.
Could have gone home once baby poops, which she did within few hours of birth no worries about that.
But since I was a GDM patient (diabetic during pregnancy) they had to monitor the baby's blood sugar level for 24 hours.
So we're spending the night.
Poor baby had her heels poked every 4 hours or so.
No one waited at the hospital with me.
I had my dinner, nursed & changed my baby, slept, had some lauk raya at 4 am.
It was good.. Just so calm.
The baby slept & slept & rarely even nursed.
At 7 am plus the nurse told me to get the baby ready for her bath.
So I stripped her down & just held her in her blanket.
The atmosphere was even more electric than yesterday in the labour room.
It's raya!
The weather was just right, & I pictured walking to the mosque in the cool morning.
Oh that Indian cleaner came again, as she apparently did every morning & said she missed me the day before.
She commented on how long I was there & was surprised when I told her I was in the labour room the previous morning.
Yes, people don't usually wait around 24 hours to get their baby out.
She asked the gender again, I said girl, & she proudly 'i-told-you-so'-ed me.
Lol she's so random.
Then on I just waited for the nurses & doctors to conduct their checks on us,
Then for noon when ikhwan, my mum & sister came, & I took my first bath since Saturday.
Shampooed my hair & scrubbed my face.
It felt so good.
This time my mum waited outside the door & didn't allow me to lock it.
Back when my sister had her first baby, she fainted in the toilet & another patient found her.
So my mum didn't wanna take any risks.
Then I was discharged, & am so proud of the fact I walked down & out of the hospital on my own two feet.
Looking back, it wasn't so long at all,
But I was just glad it was over.
Though my stay at the hospital was really comfortable, I really didn't mind the 2 nights.

Next phase.

Started nyiaw on solids today.
Well that sounds all grand.
Actually all that happened was I cooked sweet potato then pureed it,
& she had like grains of it off of the tip of my finger,
& made repulsive expressions every time, like I forced fed her dirt or something.
Is my cooking that bad?
Lol.
Honestly I'm only posting this because I want to document her growth,
I really do,
But I'm just too lazy to go get a diary & do it daily proper.
In my mind I have this perfect vision of me recording her day to day activities,
What time she woke up, how many times she pooped, what colour is said poop,
Believe me I'd record when I clipped her nails & how many of her hair I find randomly in her palm,
But that's a bit obsessive so I think this blog post whenever I feel like it does it right?
(I'm so gonna regret never doing it the moment she goes to college)

Chatter.

She's snuggled up against my tummy, asleep.
This feeling, it never gets old.
I could blog about it everyday.
I think I kind of do.
She'll be turning 5 months on Friday,
& me 26 on Monday.
26 huh.
I feel over the hill.
I guess I've always kind of seen life until 25.
Married, working.
But now I'm already on the next phase, which my whole life I've never really considered.
Motherhood, 26.
It's like I've hit a big, huge milestone in my life.
Well it is, isn't it?
I'm not making much sense, still processing all this.
I've got 4 days to lol.
But at least I'm over the whole birthday blues thing.
I'm not saying life's all peachy now.
The MH370 issue is very unsettling,
Especially with Yaya leaving for UK in just a week,
& my own fear of flying.
But seriously, Hilwa fills my heart with such joy it's insane.
For starters, me writing the above sentence is already so corny & insane.
Regardless, I just can't help but love her.
To bits.
I now understand what people say about a mother's love.
Mind boggling.
& I'm tearing up just thinking about it, though she's right here breathing into my chest.
Sheesh & I had the cheeks to say I'm not feeling any birthday blues.
I'm so emotional it's hilarious.
I've really got no point in writing this actually.
I've always kind of regretted the fact that I don't document Hilwa's growth since birth.
& I keep telling myself it's better starting late than never.
But sharing it to the whole wide world doesn't seem right.
& I've got no diary that I could jot into.
I guess that's a good budget, last minute birthday gift you could get me.
Psst, I'm kind of a sucker for flowery, Cath Kidston-y prints.
It'd look really nice on a notebook cover, no?
Teehee

Serabut.

Aku tengah literally duduk menung atas katil sambil garu-garu lengan.
That was before I picked up this phone & started typing.
But you get my drift.
Harini babygirl tumpas awal.
Memang padan pun la, menjerit-jerit, melompat-lompat serta menyembur-nyembur air liur since bangun tidur tadi.
Nap ada lah dalam setengah jam, twice.
Kalau tak tidur jugak sekarang alamat esok aku masuk kosmo front page "ibu rebus anak jadi sup".
Tapi disebabkan mek ni tidur awal aku jadi mati kutu.
Life candy crush dah habis.
Window shopping dah, sampai penat.
Juga dah 3 hari tak buat kerja sebab stock abah (juga stock di HQ) habis licin.
Imara mintak buat translation pun dah siap.
Mati. Kutu.
Sebut pasal imara.
Ni lagi satu penyumbang serabut kepala otak aku dari tengah bulan lepas.
Her birthday is coming up & I don't know what on earth to get her.
I have to get her something.
Something epic.
Untuk orang yang telah jalan kaki datang rumah aku tengah-tengah malam buta & tolong urut belakang masa aku contraction menungging-nungging.
Orang yang first show up dekat hospital lepas aku bersalin, menyelinap masuk tepi katil tepat pukul 12 tengah hari & duduk diam-diam dekat kerusi sebab aku tengah tidur ternganga.
Dan kalau aku nak sebut balik semua benda dari aku kenal dia memang tak habis la.
Tapi yes, something epic.
I can't believe fashionvalet let me down on the one occasion I've set my mind to shop with them.
Kenapa dresses buruk sangaaat?
& the one dress I love takde size.
*emoticon hampa*
So aku dah betul-betul mati kutu.
Kat zalora barang macam menarik tapi aku macam dah potong.
Siap sedia lah ikhwan kena teman aku shopping sat lagi.
Ikhwan jugak.
Shopping barang untuk orang lain pun dia kena pilih -_-"
Nanti bulan depan birthday dia lagi aku serabut hurhhhh dah mula serabut dari sekarang lol!
Kalau ikut jam aku, ada lagi setengah jam baru dia nak habis kerja.
Maksudnya working hours dia habis, kalau dia keluar office on time itu magic.
& the waiting continues.
Mari kita sambung kira hutang, review checklist untuk tambah lagi benda serta tambah stress sebab tak boleh nak cross off items sebab sekarang malam takle withdraw duit bayar hutang juga shopping kat ou.
Ntah amende la yang aku serabut sekarang ni aku pun tak paham kenapa.

The Ikea Realisation part II

We have bought our first bed from Ikea!
That fact just dawned on me.
Bukan batak mahupun nak riak,
But everything began at Ikea.
The Ikea realisation (which involved a four-poster bed which, thank god, is not for sale anymore),
That lead to the first formal informal at Ikea (berdating ala-ala 500 days of summer pui).
& there we were just now,
Debating over bed frames that hinder bedsheet application & bulky footboards that guarantees bloody toes.
There was nothing romantic at all about us buying a bed.
Didn't even cross my mind that there we are, married, buying a bed.
The closest topic we came to being married was whether the bed was too low which makes dressing Hilwa after her bath uncomfortable (no we don't believe in changing tables).
God we're so settled as mother & father it's almost sad lol!
But yeah, we settled alright on the most basic frame & let's pray I stay contented with it for a long, looong time.
& while we're on the topic of a new bed,
I also realized I have granted one thing out of last year's birthday wish list for myself!
A new bed!
Replacing the existing one which is still crooked & has now started creaking whenever I rock Hilwa to sleep.
& this post is getting sadder & sadder by the minute,
But who cares.
I bought myself a new bed!

Growl.

Terjaga awal dan segar pulak mata ni.
Hampeh betul sebab sat lagi pukul 10.30 dah kena standby.
Sebabnya ada parcel abah suruh aku sambut dari skynet.
Dia?
Nak pergi jemput anak baru katanya.
Pagi-pagi ni sedih pulak terpikir BHU dah kena ganti.
I still remember, very clearly, the day it was brought home.
Aku tengah tidur kat depan, dengar mama's excited chatter.
Tidur balik.
Bangun petang tu baru paham apa berlaku.
Dalam keadaan mamai, dan abah's euphoria, aku mintak nak drive & dia kasi.
I remember the power I felt in my hands & under my feet.
Every growl the engine made as I accelerated.
Abah's previous storm was gone when I was only 14, & the rodeo was manual.
This baby I got to drive, I actually earned the trust to drive.
Sampai ke tahap kereta idaman was a pickup truck.
Oh & the comments I got driving it.
I've never felt so sexy driving a car (ok now I get why people waste millions on sports car fine fine)
But yeah..
Lately BHU has been unwell.
Gear macam taknak masuk.
Plus the bumps & scratches & really, it has been yeaaaars.
Makanya it is being replaced.
& to be honest, I can't wait to take the new guy out for a drive!

Wishlist yang makin matang & realistik.

It's the much awaited time of the year.
Hari di mana aku post birthday wishlist yeah yeah..
Though I seriously don't know why I still do, let alone look forward to it.
Tak pernah lagi lah dapat hadiah dari wishlist2 ni ayat pancing paling sedih lol.
Aaanyways..
Firstly aku nak nursing tops/jubah/dress.
Tau tak betapa susahnya nak carik nursing clothes yang decent?
By decent I mean cantik, tak membuat aku nampak macam makcik2 serta reasonably priced.
Kalau cantik berkenan di hati, mahalnya tak agak2.
Kalau murah, design mesti -_-"
Apa ibu2 menyusu ni tak layak nampak hot ke?
Melampau.
Secondly, aku nak sandal baru.
Tapi sini masalah paling besar timbul.
Sebabnya going through pregnancy aku telah memanjakan tapak kaki dengan scholl.
Now I just can't take anything less.
Pernah cuba pakai flats cikai beli kat vincci yang telah ditambah dengan insoles scholl,
Belum sempat apa kaki dah sakit.
Tapi itulah.. Sama seperti case baju nursing,
Sandal2 yang selesa ni semua design -_-"
Kenapa gaya & keselesaan tak boleh coexist?
Apa perempuan semua kena merana sakit semata2 nak hot?
Melampau.
Thirdly, aku nak wallet yang lebih kecik & compact.
Memandangkan handbag aku sekarang penuh dgn pampers la wet wipes la nursing cover la apa jadah,
Ia telah menjadi super berat.
Kekadang aku rasa mcm nak buat2 tertinggal wallet aku yang gedabak serta tak membantu tu.
Apa la yang aku simpan dalam tu sampai berat sangat?
Nak kata kaya, tak..
Tapi kalau wallet kecik macam mana nak buat koleksi kad kumpul point serta duit syiling?
Mihihi.
Seterusnya, aku nak handheld blender apekenama ntah benda tu.
Yang ada batang pastu hujung dia bulat ada blade blender kecik tu.
Sebab lagi 2 bulan Hilwa nak start makan & aku kena start blending & pureeing food oh nooooes.
Talk about Hilwa, aku nak a spa day out jugak.
Nak mani pedi, full body massage, & most importantly some time off from being a mother.
T.T
Kalau ikut hati macam2 lagi aku nak mintak tapi serious aku dah mengantuk dari 2 jam lepas.
Tapi breast dah hampir penuh susu, kalau aku tidur jugak alamat basah la tilam.
Tapi tak larat nak angkat Hilwa suruh minum pastu nanti mesti dia tidur atas katil celah2 aku dengan ikhwan pastu tak dapat aku nak manja2 hurrr okbye

Bring me flowers.

It's valentine's day.
It's only natural to come across pictures of flowers & lovers in love.
But I'm lucky to be surrounded by people who posts pictures of flowers to show how ridiculously priced they are on this one day,
Instead of those who gloat silently "see what he bought me peopleeee"
Regardless,
Flowers.
In this sense I'm the girliest of all girls,
I'm the kind who would wander off to the fridge when passing by a florist because there's a vase of peonies in there,
& who would find peace being frozen alive in floristika's store room.
But then I thought of what I'd do if Ikhwan did come home with a bouquet one day.
I'd arrange them in a vase,
Take gazillion pictures.
Then what?
Most probably I'd take them to the kubur because personally I think thats the best use for fresh flowers.
I'm not the "dry them for potpourri" kinda girl.
They collect dust, I don't quite like dust.
So really..
I am blessed with a husband who doesn't really pull all these sugary sweet surprises & who doesn't believe in gifting flowers.
Instead he allows me to splurge on food almost every day.
Stopping by 7e on his way back from work just cause I specifically want haagen dazs in the dead of the night,
& a fancy meal every weekend is sort of a ritual.
For that, I am truly thankful.
Love you sayang.
Happy 4 month Hilwa-niversery :)