Frustrated.

This OnePlus 3 phone I just got came with a really glaring, majorly stupid flaw.
The screen pinning function.
With Android OS the method to unpin the screen is to press & hold both the back & recents button.
But with Oxygen, it's enough to just hold the back button.
Which tiny fingers do almost every 30 seconds while watching YouTube.
Which means every 30 seconds I will have to reopen YouTube, enable screen pinning, go full screen, hand it back to them, & wait for them to scream again.
Seriously. So stupid.
Thank God this phone is cheap, or I would go demand my money back.
OnePlus, PLEASE FIX THIS!
Ranting here coz I have no idea how to get this feedback to them lol

Biological.

If any person who is currently single were to ask me 'what should I do with life?',
My first response would be 'DO NOT HAVE KIDS'.
All it has led me to so far is losing my source of income, freedom to do whatever I want to do both at home & socially, losing the one thing humans take for granted most which is eating in peace.
Among others of course.
Yes if you follow this blog you'll know I complain about them like my life depended on it.
But then in those moments I am off guard,
Seeing other people either married or not, doing things & living life seemingly without the goal of ever reproducing,
I can't help but think 'don't they feel like they're missing out on something?'.
Like, I can't help but feel they're stuck in life, stagnant, not growing
Despite how much my kids annoy me, despite being up to my ears fed up of having to bathe them twice a day everyday (they'll just get dirty again what's the point?!),
I can't help but wish newlyweds to go get busy if you know what I mean.
Because it's days like this,
When they're up early & cheerful,
Cooperating (with me & each other), eating lunch, willingly taking a bath, going back for a nap or playing on their own,
That my heart is filled with such a fullness that I can't imagine getting from anything else.
Not spending money, seeing the world, eating lavishly, meeting friends.
I've only ever felt like this at home.
& that is why I can't stop my thoughts,
Because we are genetically programmed to want to have kids,
If we weren't, humanity would have died out a looooong time ago, I can guarantee you that lol.

2016 recap

I know it's barely the middle of December but I can't shake this post from my mind.
I don't know why the whole interweb is describing 2016 as so disastrous.
Personally, it has been a year of growth for me.
Now almost daily I shepherd two kids between my front door & the car, taking the lift, strapping them into their car seats, driving albeit to my parent's house 10 minutes away,
But once upon a time I regarded driving Hilwa to the KFC drive-thru a huge success.
I now regularly have potluck meets at home with my unimates, enthusiastically discussing what to cook in our whatsapp group, refereeing our kids' fights, chatting about Tupperware, cheap groceries & naptimes.
& of course the biggest growth of all was finally moving into our own place.
Once upon a time I thought I would die.
But I've learnt the key to avoid your kids killing themselves when under your sole care is to minimize death-risks lol.
We mounted the TV & shelves to the wall so there's no cabinets they could climb, & there's 2 rattan chairs & a small dining table (but the dining chairs are kept in the gated kitchen because Izzaz  climbs them),
It's very rumah bujang feel but I can sweep the entire area without having to move things around lol.
I've discovered the joy of shopping at the pasar.
It's now become sort of a ritual to wake up early on weekends & have breakfast at the pasar with my mom.
& nothing beats the produce, seriously. It's a sort of high to be honest.
& then there's the recent passing of Hayes.
I know this is so unrelated to me,
But I tried putting myself in their shoes & it's sad to lose a child, what more a baby,
But Allah promises them a free pass to heaven.
He no longer feels pain, no longer has to go under the knife, spend nights in the hospital hooked to tubes, take medicine.
He can now walk, talk, run & play, something he never got to do on earth.
& he doesn't miss his mom or his family.
I think that's the most important.
These kids don't miss their families, they don't sit in heaven crying for mommy.
I think Savannah & Steve realizes that & you can see their smiling faces even at the funeral.
& I don't know exactly how but this made me feel like I've grown so much this year.
There's still about 20 days left of 2016,
Currently I'm learning to live as a normal human being in Malaysia.
Ikhwan just started working in the morning since last week,
It's still too early to say but we've mostly had good days.
As long as I stick to my checklist of bathing kids, preparing lunch for them & doing the laundry, then everything else like feeding myself, bathing & prayers, housekeeping just falls into place while the day progresses.
Though I know I'd have to shake things up in 2017 with toilet training Hilwa & registering her for school in 2018.
Seriously, when you have kids planning 2 years in advance feels last minute lol.
As for world issues,
I think having a president from a business background is really not so bad, but what do I know about politics,
I have yet to read the cursed child not watch fantastic beasts & I'm not just OK, I'm actually indifferent (growth I tell you. It'll happen at the right time but I'm not throwing a fit about getting it RIGHT NOW).
I saw a picture on instagram with all the coffins of that Brazilian (I think) football club that died in the plane crash & it was surreal.
I'm actually rethinking air travel lol. I mean, ran out of fuel - in 2016 - SERIOUSLY?
Aaaand that's all I can manage off the top of my head.
It's bath time since 30 minutes ago & a housewife really can't afford to waste seconds.

Loss.

So I once wrote about some Instagram kids I fell in love with,
One of them was Hayes who was battling cancer.
He passed away about 12 hours ago.
About a week ago they found out the cancer was back,
Its aggressive & in a part of his brain that they couldn't get rid of.
& he was discharged to spend his last days with his family.
& reading that news last weekend,
I've been out of sorts ever since.
Imagine you as a parent, finding out you only have days left with your child.
Feeling the need to grief but also needing to savor every single second left.
Wanting for his pain to be over but wanting so much more time with him.
& his triplets, Heath & Reese.
How do you love them knowing they will never be a complete set anymore, yet knowing you'll still have a piece of Hayes to hold near.
Oh god I'm such a mess, & I don't even know this kid.
I've been stalking instagram nonstop this past week,
Wanting an update but not wanting to know if is has happened.
Scrolling through the explore page for hours because I didn't want to go to Steve & Savannah's page directly,
But maybe because I've been changing phones so much, his picture very rarely came up.
Then my resolve would crumble & all I'd have to do is type 's' into the search bar & the first two names would be the Tates,
& I'd see him asleep.
In his brother's arms, laying beside Heath, always asleep.
& I'd pray for his suffering to be over soon.
Or a miracle, whichever.
& today he's gone.
It has finally happened.
Today his body lays lifeless,
No longer in pain,
No longer smiling.
Today a family grieves,
A mom is probably sniffing his tshirt right now,
A dad forcing a tough smile.
& I'm a sobbing mess, all for a boy I've never met.
Oh god motherhood is so weird.
I just realized I know for a fact Hayes is in an incredible place right now,
That god loves him so much,
That he doesn't miss his family, his life back on earth,
He is happy & he has beyond everything he needs.
& whatever I am feeling, is grief for a grieving family.
For a mother who will probably never feel complete again.
I pray for her strength & peace.
& for mine too.

I'd call it a gift.

Watching The Mentalist with Ikhwan everyday after he comes back from work has become like a ritual for me.
Among the things I look forward to doing is
Calling out who's the killer, or any other mystery in a particular episode, like what exactly was inside LaRoche's Tupperware;
Or calling out Patrick's scheme for trapping the killer;
The ups & downs of Van Pelt & Rigsby's relationship (he is such a good actor when it comes to his feelings for Grace, I hate it!);
Cho, every single bit of him;
Finishing everyone's sentences;
But best of all is watching the actress who plays Van Pelt go from pregnant to absent for her maternity leave to developing nursing boobs & dressing up in nursing friendly dresses in season 5.
Yes, along with motherhood came a gift I never knew I'd find so much pleasure in having,
The ability to tell someone is pregnant just by looking at their face.
Watch out girls lulz.

Making do.

Tell anyone you're pregnant & they'll for sure reply with 'sleep when the baby sleeps!'.
I can't say I agree.
Although I have been blessed with babies who sleeps really well at night,
So I very rarely need to nap during the day.
Anyways, my honeymoon period after moving to our own place is over.
The first month or so the kids will definitely go to sleep by 10, latest 11 pm.
But these few weeks Hilwa has been staying up til way past midnight,
& since yesterday she's been napping after maghrib,
Which honestly is a blessing coz at least I get 2-3 hours of me time.
So what else did I do, but clean the house!
Started with scrubbing the toilet,
Prayed Isya right on time,
Took out all trash,
Put all the rags in the washing machine,
Mopped the house,
Did the dishes,
Hung the wash,
Had dinner,
& right on cue Izzaz woke up.
It was raining outside so I left the sliding door open to let the cool air in,
Watched some 2 Broke Girls,
& just chilled.
It's 11.20 now & I just remembered I've prayed Isya!
These monkeys can go ahead & jump to their hearts content.
Of course it'd be great if they would go to sleep now instead,
Coz I could do with being horizontal on a soft bed,
But I'm gonna be a typical freaking housewife & say a clean house & completed prayers will do just fine.

Edited at 5.19am to say Hilwa hasn't slept the whole night & now I gotta cancel my haircut tomorrow (which I've been really looking forward to urghh). When you're a mother, just keep your big mouth shut & never say anything that can challenge the laws of the universe lulz

Staycation.

I can't sleep.
I get to sleep early coz I don't have to wait up for Ikhwan, & I can't sleep.
Blardy hell.
Anyways this post was writing itself in my head so let's just make it official.
We've been entertaining the kids on a budget these few weeks,
Coz, you know, we're responsible adults who have to pay rent, & we poor lulz.
It turns out KL has a lot to offer the poor.
But I'll start with the obvious & the obviously free,
Which is the pool downstairs.
I love how every single trip is like a freaking vacation for Hilwa,
& Izzaz legit got his confidence to walk while in the water & having only the float as support.
They're both such natural swimmers I love it.
Moving to a condo with a pool is like the best decision I made my whole life, period.
Next is the horse riding we took Hilwa at Titiwangsa.
It's actually part of the DBKL unit berkuda stable,
But they open it to the public on weekends & during school holidays I think.
It's RM1 per round for children, & you can buy as many tickets for the number of rounds you like.
I mean, taking a dump in KLCC costs 2 bucks so I really felt sorry for the horses,
But then each round takes about a minute & if you take into account rest time & climbing on & off the horse, I'd say 40 productive minutes per hour,
That's already RM40 per hour wage & that's really not bad for just walking in circles lol.
But seriously, I hope the horses are treated right.
They look healthy though, & the place is not just clean, it's actually pretty.
Kudos, DBKL!
Next is the butterfly park near tasik perdana/lake garden.
It's RM11 per adult, but that beats paying triple that for farm in the city.
It's super pretty though, I'm obsessed with gardens & flowers,
& having thousands of butterflies just casually flying around,
Cmon. Total sucker.
I couldn't stop taking pictures.
There's also some fish pond inside & you can buy fish food at the tickets counter for RM5 per packet.
We got there a bit late & only stayed an hour coz it was getting hot,
But it was a good trip.
Then other times when we get lazy we just take Hilwa to the indoor playground at Curve.
Well, there are many parks around KL but this one you don't have to worry about the weather lol.
But we haven't been in so long coz you know you'll end up spending without even realizing it when you're in a mall.
It's a good back up plan though.
Anyways, I hope to discover more gems around here in the future.
Staycationing without even needing to check into a hotel,
The perfectly poor way teehee.

Grateful part 2

There's so much negativity on media nowadays,
Well, always but these few days it's been intense.
& last night I got the news one of my besties from school just lost her dad.
We've drifted apart but I remember clearly all those times I used to spend at her house,
Her dad taking us out to OU & makan,
Most often even giving us pocket money.
They lived a humble life but everyone who knew them, knew he positively dotes on her.
What a dad, I hope he rests in peace & that's Allah blesses his soul.
Anyways, I've been holding off a flu these few days & today I caved.
Woke up past noon with a heavy head, & when I got up I couldn't walk straight.
Literally saw the room spinning everytime I open my eyes.
Ikhwan then proceeded to bathe the kids, prepared a simple lunch for them, cleared up the sink from last night's mess, & offered to take the day off.
Oh he also went out to buy lunch for us.
If this isn't love, I don't know what is.
I'm also super grateful for his workplace, for his boss,
He could be biased coz I worked under him first, & we had an great relationship,
But these days with Ikhwan working for him he always, always made sure us the wife & kids are prioritized.
& he is sure to check up on us the day after to make sure nothing serious happened.
I don't know how long this will last because things are changing at work,
But for now everyone can bitch about my husband's hours or workload,
The most important thing is he's happy,
& he's always available when the need arises.
It's kind of a fact that a responsible man is not a romantic one (it's OK, I complain about it to him all the time lol),
But romance can't get you through a sick day amirite?

Grateful.

We hosted a housewarming & birthday party for Hilwa yesterday.
It went so well & I'm on cloud 9.
The menu was simple, nasi goreng & spaghetti with some nuggets, kuih & fruits,
Plus sandwiches by Zura & banana dessert & curry puffs by Ikhwan's mama.
I ordered a simple chocolate cake from Fatin Izzati (whtthefudge) which was wiped clean,
& pretty much all the food was gone but everyone had their fill.
So happy!
I'm left feeling grateful, above all.
To mama for sponsoring so many things, & pretty much cooking everything when I acah said I'd do it & she'll only help,
She was also the one who set up the buffet because I was in the shower & rushing to get dressed like a headless chicken at 3pm when guests were supposed to arrive.
Grateful to both my family for coming, & bringing more food, & looking after my kids, & making the birthday girl feel so special.
Grateful to have Ikhwan as my husband, who took the trouble to buy more ice & mineral water when we seriously underbudgeted our needs, then for going all the way down to the guard post to make sure all the guests registered smoothly & got a parking spot.
Grateful to have friends like Imara (she's now Fun-ty I coz she's the fun aunty lol) & Lin & Wan who nailed their gifts that we literally had to distract Hilwa & sneakily hide them coz she wanted to play RIGHT NOW.
& grateful to everyone who took the time to come with all the generous gifts that made Hilwa's day so much.
She got a beautiful dress that I can't wait to dress her in, a handbag which I swore was in my wishlist since she started carrying her toys everytime we go out now, chocolates & ice cream (need I say more), & so much more I kinda lost track.
It's an amazing feeling, having almost everyone that is important in your life gathered in your home & enjoying each other's company.
I apologize for any shortcomings, for not being able to sit & catch up with everyone,
& I would probably not do another open house for a long time because I almost died with exhaustion last night lol.
But yesterday was seriously the bomb.

Scolded.

I just got scolded by an amoi in the lift, & it's like an awakening.
Let's start from the top,
Was at my mum's the whole day today & my brother was there too.
Hilwa was basically hyper the whole time with her cousins.,
Then for dinner I already made plans with Imara & Apis so I dragged 2 tired kids out.
After dinner they fell asleep in the car pretty much the moment I strapped them in.
As per the usual since I've been living on my own on the 12th floor,
If Hilwa sleeps I'll transfer her into the stroller, push it one handed & Izzaz will be in the other arm.
While waiting for the lift, enter amoi who didn't say hi or acknowledge me in any way,
Well I wasn't focusing on her too.
She stood slightly behind me,
& when the lift door open of course I hastily pushed the stroller in to not cause any holdups,
At the same time she made to enter first but then stopped when I moved.
So we got in & she asked for my floor number & I said thank you.
A moment of silence, then she spoke.
'I wanted to go in first & hold the door for you. Then you don't have to rush, scared the door bang you'.
She had this way of saying it that made me feel like I was scolded,
But instinctively I just said 'oh it's OK, thank you'.
Well 12 floors is a long way up, & I'm not complaining but this lift is super slow.
It felt like a loooong time while everything sank in.
But I'm not writing this to bitch about being scolded,
It's the huge realization I got,
That is I as a mom am too self conscious.
I always feel that me & my kids are in people's way,
I always get overprotective,
I always rush them everywhere & expect them to behave perfectly,
When most people I meet, especially in this building I'm living in, is more than happy to help.
What did I think, that the amoi wanted to enter the lift first so she can shut the door on my face?
Of course she won't, of course she'll hold the door & help me get in safely.
I have this tendency of wanting to always appear like I have everything under control,
Like I have 6 arms & can carry a sleeping baby while pushing a stroller & holding the lift door open while casually sipping a frap.
I don't know why but the thought of strangers seeing me in any way but calm & in control bothers me.
It's a problem, I now recognize that.
It's OK to accept help, it's OK to ask for help, especially at home Hilyah.
This is home & I have to learn to trust my neighbors.
All of them have been nothing but lovely so far.

Wash, rinse, repeat.

So this whole moving to a new house thing has left us literally broke & maxed out on both our credit cards.
Naturally, I'm craving for retail therapy.
A tudung, a handbag, jeans, shoes, you name it. I NEED THEM ALL.
(No, really, I don't)
Of course there are things I do actually need for the house like a vacuum & microwave & a haircut (badly. My hair looks like the tip of something I shouldn't mention here. It starts with a D).
But I seriously can't,
Couldn't even justify spending RM30 for some sandals on Zalora just now.
Yes that's how broke we are.
I know exactly how this will end.
This craving won't just go away.
I already see myself dragging Ikhwan to Jusco or Tesco & picking out a useless RM10 toy for the kids,
Because spending on your kids is always justified! Do not even try to deny it parents.
Then next week I'm gonna complain these idiots have so much toys & they don't even play with it, they just pour it out of the bin & take pleasure in seeing the mess.
& I'll hide those toys in a plastic bag on top of my cupboard.
Repeat cycle the following week.

Adoptees.

Remember when I had those anxiety about 'my heart not being able to expand to love another person' both times I got pregnant?
Well now I officially love other people's kids.
My 10 nieces & nephews (10?! God that makes me feel old) are of course a given,
I ace at singlehandedly chaperoning 4 kids at the padang now blowsnails.
& I'm still trying to get over Hamzah sucking his thumb lol.
But I'm talking about stranger's kids.
Instagram kids from halfway across the world kind of stranger's kids.
My instagram has a funny sense of humour,
It keeps on feeding me random people's account who has multiple babies.
I'm talking triplets, quadruplets, quintuplets, god knows what they call them beyond that.
So I officially follow chloeandbeans, this Australian chick who was 6 kids (aged 4, 3, 2, & 1 year old triplets I'm not making this shit up).
I can confidently tell you all of their names (yeap I know which triplet is which), their favorite colour, favorite food, medical history, birth weight, you name it.
& then there's the Tates,
Who also has 6 kids but I think the eldest is 10 & the youngest triplets are 1.5 years old.
My soft spot is Hayes,
Who has the most ridiculous sad-chill expression I just lose it everytime I come across his picture.
He was also diagnosed with brain cancer late last year, & just got through 7 months of chemo.
Like, I legit check up on him on both his parents' accounts everyday.
It's tate28 & savannat8 btw, they're both smoking hot & were highschool sweethearts, & juggled raising half a dozen kids AND staying at the hospital with Hayes,
MAD RESPECT.
So yeah, some insight to the world of a mom.
I live my life worrying the kids roll off the bed in their sleep, worry they get diaper rash if they sleep in too long every morning, worry they don't get enough nutrition because they only want to eat junk, worry they watch YouTube too much they'll turn stupid,
Then I zone out to instagram & worry about childhood cancer & premature babies.
But then you come across a video of little Pearlie (see rohanandbeans) dozing off to sleep with her cheeks pink as usual & blond eyelashes fluttering,
& you'd be mad to not want to promise her everything is good in this world.

Droolpads drama.

I just realized the droolpads I got for free when I bought my kokadi flip,
Which I gave away for free when I sold my kokadi flip,
Was made from a Paxbaby wrap.
I'm annoyed by how grumpy I am.
I never really saw the point in wearing droolpads so there really isn't a point in keeping those droolpads.
& it's not like Paxbaby is a super hype brand that I ship or anything.
But it's different. It's unexpected.
I always just assumed it was a kokadi, or a Lenny lamb, judging by it's pattern,
So I never bothered to find out what they were exactly.
I never appreciated them,
Looked more closely,
Touched & admired the weave.
I didn't even take proper pictures for memories' sake.
I used to own a piece of Paxbaby & I didn't even realize it pfft.
Aaanyways,
We've been staying in the new house for a few weeks now.
Alhamdulillah it's been good.
Settling in well.
But I'm not in the mood for stories yet.
Paxbaby. Sheesh.

Reminder.

Yesterday I came across a sale post of a Tula full wrap conversion going for half it's usual price.
Super cheap, heart attack moment.
I was calmly ranting to Ikhwan,
Came up with the plan on how to finance it,
Messaged the seller, filled a whole box with things for the move, slept through the night,
I only got a reply this morning.
After a lot of questions & patiently waiting for more pictures,
I told her I'm confirming my purchase,
To which she replied someone else already confirmed just before me, & paid soon after.
So I went about with my life,
Sort of proudly thinking how patient & mature & redha I was,
Like if Allah really wanted me to have it then I would have gotten it,
But it's just not my rezeki today.
It was a good feeling, no doubt.
But then then kids were extra challenging today & I screamed at them,
I was cursing in my heart,
I said things I'd regret all my life,
I even hit Hilwa harder than was necessary.
So no.
Patience & maturity & redha isn't just about losing out on a purchase.
I've probably got 98% more to learn.
Keep that in mind Hilyah.

Move.

We are FINALLY moving into our own house.
It's a rental though, but who cares.
I've never actually seen the point nor believe in buying a property.
I'm literally counting down seconds to the move.
The last straw for me was Hilwa almost getting crushed to death by a chest of drawers.
She got the idea of pulling out the drawer one by one,
Which shifted the centre of gravity so the whole thing tilted over.
Luckily she was smart enough to run the hell away,
& I was in the kitchen so Izzaz wasn't anywhere near her,
& there was a chair nearby that stopped it from crashing all the way down.
But damage is done, the bottom drawer was spoiled by the sheer weight of the whole thing.
Took 3 adults to straighten it back up.
A RM600+ drawer bought just a year ago ruined.
I went straight to iproperty, contacted an agent that very night, & arranged for a viewing that very weekend.
We paid the deposit less than a week later.
Today Hilwa poured water onto my mum's laptop.
It was on so I pulled out all the wires & took out the battery.
It's hopefully drying out under the fan.
I hope with my entire being that it's not spoiled.
Mama's in the midst of her anugerah koko shit.
She'd throw a fit if all her files are gone together with the laptop.
Shit I'm so nervous & stressed I can't even register any real feelings.
I can't freaking wait to move these monkeys to a place where the only thing they can hurt is themselves.
They cause expensive damage & I'm tired of protecting other people's stuff.
2 weeks feel like forever oh my effing god.

Remember to chill.

I'm here today to remind myself of something important,
That is to live in the moment,
To be grateful for every moment.
It's 1904hrs, both babies has had dinner & is asleep.
Hilwa hasn't had her bath but she just had her diaper changed.
Who cares, Hilyah, focus on the bigger picture.
Now you go take a breather,
Tackle your to do list,
Fold clothes,
Whatever makes you happy.
You know they're both gonna wake up later & keep you up all night.
But what's important is right now they're both asleep.

Brushing.

There's this video going around facebook on "how to brush your child's teeth",
It features pinning the child between a parent's crotch with his hands under each of the dad's legs.
All just to brush some teeth.
What I learned growing up was my sister & I obediently brushed our teeth, hence it was healthy, & didn't fall off even when our permanent tooth came out underneath.
You can see my extremely embarrassing crooked front tooth everytime I smile now.
My brother, on the other hand, never brushed his teeth growing up, which resulted in them rotting in his mouth & had to be pulled out before his permanent tooth started growing.
But then they had all the space they needed & grew perfectly.
Beautiful adult smile.
So yeah, I was never concerned with brushing Hilwa's teeth.
Like many aspects of her life, Hilwa is very opposed to trying something new.
& the fact that her teeth only started growing at 15 months didn't help.
By the time she had teeth to be brushed, she would scream at the sight of a toothbrush & weirdly flavored toothpaste.
So she only started brushing regularly maybe about half a year ago?
& she uses a specific kid's strawberry toothpaste that I do not agree with.
& even that took a few weeks of letting her play with the toothbrush & taste the toothpaste in her own time.
I imagine if I actually pinned her down to brush her teeth, she would be traumatized her whole life.
But Izzaz, who lives to eat, would open his mouth to anything so he's been brushing his 4 wee baby teeth with greenzhi now.
Never seem to mind the 'spicy-ness' or the taste,
He can swallow all he wants for all I care.
So parents, please,
Not everything that works for other people's child will work for yours.
Heck, it wouldn't even work for both your first born to the 2nd & so on.
You should know each of your child better,
Don't traumatize them.
Besides, pulling out rotten teeth cost much much less than braces in their teens.
Peace out!

Anak dara.

In the chaos of getting through each day,
Tak sedar yang Hilwa dah besar.
Dah boleh mintak tukarkan pampers dia bila dia dah rasa rimas,
Dah almost 3 months tidur sendiri takyah breastfeed.
Most of the time I'll just leave her alone in the room with her phone & check balik after half hour dah lena.
Update on weaning her pun entah kemana haritu.
Basically it started with pujuk dia takyah breastfeed nak tidur,
Tepuk-tepuk dudu-dudu.
Susu botol make sure dia kenyang.
Biar main sampai penat betul so she settles easily.
Then she stopped susu botol jugak just before puasa, I never knew why lol she rejected it cold turkey.
So now she takes one or two boxes of that small kid-sized milo kotak per day.
Appetite alhamdulillah, cuma berat tak naik-naik sebab buas masyaallah.
Bila datang hari tak berapa penat or ter-nap siang or mood tidur tak sampai memang berjanggut la tunggu dia lena.
Izzaz pun still responds to her voice even in his sleep,
So if she doesn't fall asleep first memang jangan harap Izzaz nak settle for the night.
Tunggu je la satgi dia mangkit bergaduh dua orang ni.
But at least now he's much bigger (in size & age) the fear of Hilwa seriously hurting him is not as great as before.
Hilwa pun dah pandai control her anger if Izzaz cari pasal.
She's not perfect at it, but I do catch her occasionally balling her fists & shaking it in anger instead of hitting him.
Kekadang tu dia peluk adik dia ketat-ketat & give him a kiss, which I do too when he annoys me to the point of murder lol.
I never thought I'd see the day when Hilwa would give Izzaz a kiss, but she does it often now alhamdulillah.
Oh & most important of all, she allows me to give her haircuts now.
Dah pandai duduk diam & let me snip her bangs straight on her forehead.
Tadi lepas trim bangs dia aku dok sikat-sikat main-main rambut dia & she let me,
So I tied it up & she looked up into the mirror while shaking her ponytail & blowing kisses to her reflection.
I told her if she likes her hair tied, I'll buy her getah yang ada flower.
Then she wouldn't stop saying flower lol.
So I guess I'm making a trip to sinma soon.

Flashbacks.

Was sorting through 5 bags of baby clothes earlier,
Picking out good ones to pass down to Ikhwan's cousin who recently gave birth & also a very pregnant Ika.
I was fine through out the process,
There were some outfits that stood out & brought memories,
But it wasn't until later in the night that I felt nostalgic.
Flashbacks of a newborn Izzaz,
Thin & frail & pukey & cold.
I would wipe him down every evening opposite the front door because that's the warmest & brightest place downstairs (he pukes even if you remove his shirt under a normal fan pfft that boy).
Kneeling instead of sitting cross legged coz my stitches hasn't healed,
Working as fast as possible lest he sprinkles or pukes.
Worst is when he pukes right when I just put on fresh pyjamas on him.
Urgh I hated those times.
But the best part is always seeing him calm & comfortable after being changed.
He would drift off to sleep right there, in front of the door, on a beaten out piece of old pillow,
& I would be able to go freshen up myself, bathe & feed Hilwa, & have dinner before he'll need me again.
He was such a patient, sweet little boy,
Which was crucial having a feisty Hilwa as his sister.
Sometimes he would wake up at night while Hilwa is still nursing, & just wait.
Oh I lost count of all the times he patiently let Hilwa have her way first.
That was one thing I constantly thanked Allah for, the patience of Izzaz.
He's more outspoken now,
Catching on so fast & saying the randomest things he heard.
I have to really watch my words with this one lol.
Where did all the time go?
You used to fit in a puny romper,
Now you're sharing clothes with your sister.
Pfft I'm so weepy tonight.

Aturan Tuhan.

Sekarang ni trend bukak facebook orang dok share kisah hidup dekat kisah rumah tangga la, iium confessions la.
Honestly aku memang minat membaca tahap label cornflakes pun aku baca sambil makan.
Makanya trend ni memang kena la dengan jiwa.
Percaya tak percaya tu belakang cerita,
Kalau ada yang kena tang batang hidung, ambik pengajaran simpan dalam hati kemas-kemas.
So malam ni isunya is this guy yang makcik dia matchmake dengan sorang awek kampung sebelah that he doesn't know.
Baru tunang, jumpa dua tiga kali.
Long story short, tunang dia tu dota player kental,
Dia pulak biasa-biasa je.
Main game sama kena bahan dia noob, kena bash dengan bahasa nan indah lol.
So aku pun bukak la comments kat post tu & they struck me more than the post itself.
"Never ask your partner to quit their passion".
"Nak kahwin dengan dota player kena faham lifestyle diorang. Kahwin. Bukan just kawan".
& aku nak masukkan sekali apa yang father in law aku cakap weekend lepas, even though he was referring to something completely unrelated.
"Tuhan bagi semua yang terbaik. Papa boleh kata papa dah advise 5 tahun lepas, tapi truth is He leads you to the path that is best for you".
Something like that.
I could never handle a guy who is passionate about a hobby.
I demand too much attention, I'm not ashamed to admit.
Sebab passion aku pun is my husband, my kids, my family.
I cannot brain leaving them to go do something more worthwhile,
Hidup rasa tak lengkap.
Dulu punca gaduh dengan cinta-cinta monyet semua sebab diorang nak main bola la dota la nak pi lepak dengan kawan taknak bawak aku la.
Emo betul aku lol.
Dalam bulan Ramadan Tuhan hantar Ikhwan,
Skype 24 jam, tinggal laptop sat sebab turun sahur, pi kelas jumpa lagi.
Aku ingat lagi dia nak gi buka puasa dengan kawan-kawan dia,
Dia dok siap sambil skype dengan aku,
Tak sabar nak balik nak sambung skype aherher.
Ikhwan doesn't play games, sports or do any activities excessively.
Dia acah nak jadi rider tapi aku tau dia nak gaya je.
To him looking spotless in his work attire is more important then riding to work.
Sibuk nak beli helmet lawa la riding boots la,
Tapi senang je, masuk gaji tetiap bulan aku terus bayar hutang, masuk savings,
Nah terus miskin toksah beli apa dah hahahah!
Nampak tak aturan Tuhan macam mana Hilyah, cantik je semua.
I know I seem to be talking about these reminders a lot lately.
I do need them,
& I want to keep them for future reference.
Mana la tau kot-kot Ikhwan buat hal kan.
Hahahahah

Syawal.

It's so easy to feel empowered when you're a woman.
The only thing out of the ordinary today was the fact my husband had to work (on 2nd Syawal).
So I tagged along with my parents to visit my aunt in Melaka,
& made it there & back incident free.
Izzaz pooped just after we reached my aunt's,
Cleaned him up no problem.
Both kids had decent breakfast & lunch,
Napped in the car,
Played with their cousins,
Tip top behavior.
Arrived home just before 5 pm so I decided to go visit Lin,
(Nahhh actually I was thinking of her nasi dagang the whole day lol)
Drove myself & the kids there,
Again they played & behaved so well,
Hilwa even ate some key lapis.
Then we came back & Imara visited pulak.
Simple day with those who matter & I'm on cloud nine.
I know I complain endlessly about the kids here,
But I cannot imagine doing anything else that I'd love more than staying at home & achieving these simple victories.
I'll leave the career-building side of life to Ikhwan hee.

Love stories.

Let's be perfectly honest,
Love can go stale.
Especially after years of not only just courtship,
But living together.
Kids come into the picture,
& suddenly you're no longer lovers,
Just partners in the marriage business (got this quote from a movie but for the life of me I cant recall the title right now).
So I live for moments like tonight,
& once upon a visit to A Pie Thing circa October 2014,
When my best friends get their own versions of the Ikea realization,
& I get some of their afterglow.
I've been pretty much lost lately,
Beating myself up over the fact I remember minute details & the most insignificant moments from a previous life,
When I couldn't recall much from 2010 onwards.
But tonight it clicks.
I remember how I felt when Ikhwan showed me what a matured relationship was like.
When you can discuss the past like friends then discuss the future like lovers.
When there's no judging of where you have been, respecting that that's the path which brought you here.
I remember falling in love because the pieces fit, instead of forcing & molding it to fit.
I remember feeling light because things just flowed,
Conversations flowed, dreams & ambitions aligned, families jived.
& I remember leaving it up to God to guide me,
& how that lifted the weight off my shoulders for the first time in my life.
No more doubts & what ifs.
I hope Imara does not read my blog because I do not want her to feel pressured (but I really like this one lol),
I'm just really excited to see her journey.
From what I see you're halfway there!
& thank you for reminding me of my own.
This is my husband.
He annoyed me recently because one of his team members, who is already taking more than enough leaves next week for raya, requested for another day off on Friday to travel balik kampung earlier,
& my dearest husband approved the leave because "malas nak bising".
But then I realized this is exactly why with him it works.
I can be my most difficult & childish self & he would tolerate it to make both our lives easier.
Having to deal with extra work? Who cares, ain't gonna kill him.
& I love him so much for it I can't even put it into words properly.

Progress.

Lama tak cerita update Izzaz Arif.
Since he turned 9 months old he's achieving milestones so fast I'm losing track.
Started with tumbuh gigi 4 in a row,
Top right, bottom right, top left & now bottom left just cut through.
& he's also been super chatty lately.
His first word, after mama & papa which he first said months ago I don't even remember exactly when, is tiyak.
Tiyak, which in Hilwa-speak is berak.
Lulz.
Then it was titak (cicak).
& today bye bye.
He also pretty much understand stuff like cicak or lampu means tengok atas & point to ceiling,
& bye bye means wave.
At first I thought he's gonna be a fast walker but now I'm not too sure.
He might talk first.
We'll see.
He's still nervous about learning to stand without support,
Though I know he can coz I did let go of him once & he just stood for a few seconds then steadily sat down.
Not gonna pressure him though.
I'm having too much fun saying random things & hearing him repeat it.
I just hope he's not shy to show all this during his check up.
Oh yeah, his check up which he missed due to a horrible fever which developed into an ear infection which caused him to throw up everything that touches his mouth.
This is the second time I had to postpone a jab because he was on antibiotics,
& we were already a month late for the first MMR jab.
Now we gotta wait another 2 weeks -_-"
So fingers crossed for a smooth raya & a healthy baby boy.

Cloth.

The struggle is real.
You know how duckscarves is all the rage now.
(If you don't then good for you! Do not go & find out lol).
It's funny how a fad like that can alter your take on life.
Like, last week I'm perfectly content about wearing plain instant tudungs, even for raya,
& suddenly now I'm reimagining my entire wardrobe with a floral (or songket print) tudung.
But then honestly, I'm not paying RM200 plus for a piece of satin cloth.
Woven wraps, however, is a whole different story.
I'm so glad I have such a firm grip on reality ihihi.
(& I think my husband doesn't mind me looking like a maid, flaunting carriers while donning instant tudungs. But if he does mind, then I don't mind receiving expensive tudungs too).

Mrs. Jenin.

Apa lagi nak diomelkan kalau bukan hal rumah tangga?
Haa kat sini dah nampak masalah dia.
Rumah tangga.
Kenapa kalau rumah mesti ada tangga?
Kalau kau tanya aku sekarang apa rumah idaman aku, memang senafas aku jawab rumah yang takda tangga.
Dulu masa kecik kalau lalu rumah orang kaya, aku mesti tengok terlopong dengan statement 'bestnyaaa'.
Rumah bertingkat-tingkat, luas, banyak cermin, lagi heaven ada swimming pool.
Pastu mama & kak gayah mesti reply 'uiii penat nak kemas!'.
Sekarang aku paham.
Kalau takde anak memang aku ajak Ikhwan beli studio apartment je.
Tapi dah ada toyol 2 orang ni maka rumah idaman adalah apartment 3 bilik paling cikai.
Taknak landed sebab aku malas nak potong rumput.
Master bedroom yang aku boleh letak katil tengah-tengah untuk menyenangkan proses tukar cadar.
Lantai yang bukan parquet, serta warna putih so that aku senang nak tgk habuk.
Tapi aku nak robot vacuum, suruh dia je buat keje.
Taknak carpet. Carpet adalah nightmare bila bebudak makan sepah.
Pastu fantasy aku yang paling ultimate is a kids playroom.
An empty, fully carpeted room preferably with no windows that they could climb, filled with their toys, & barred by pagar baby so they can't escape but they can't shut the door either.
Ohh heaven..
Kalau kurung Izzaz dalam tu, Hilwa duduk luar tengok Nick Jr pun dah macam-macam kerja aku boleh achieve.
Oh lagi satu, aku nak washer dryer.
Sebab aku dah penat angkat baju pastu jumpa taik burung T.T
Cite dia sebenarnya aku tukar cadar pastu jumpa taik burung..
Makanya minggu ni pulun cuci cadar 2 set la nampaknya.
Tak masuk lagi selimut dengan mattress protector dan baju harian yang lain TT.TT
Nak dryer sebijik pelissss

Too much.

Today was definitely eventful, & it's still not over yet.
Started out pretty ordinary until around 6 when I was helping my mum out in the kitchen.
Came to the front to find Hilwa fell asleep in front of the TV.
I'm not sure how long it was, but it couldn't be more than 15 minutes.
I quickly woke her up & to pujuk her for interrupting her sleep, I took her mandi.
She had a good dinner, took a huge dump,
& I was kinda hoping she'd go to sleep by 10 latest.
But nope.. Izzaz fell asleep around 9 & Hilwa was still hyper so I brought her back down.
She was jumping around, playing..
Then she paused & sat so I asked if she was ready to bobom,
She said bobom in the softest voice.
So I brought her up again, & she couldn't shut up so that woke Izzaz up.
She started jumping all over the bed,
Gave me a big hug,
Then headbutted Izzaz square on the nose.
Of course it bled.
He was dripping blood all over his tshirt.
I was panicking calling my parents who were out for terawih.
Thank god the bleeding stopped pretty quickly, & I've been monitoring him for bruising or swelling but there's none so far.
Because of that Ikhwan came home,
& I guess that renewed Hilwa's energy too coz she's always excited to see Papa.
It's now 0209hrs & she's still jumping around downstairs.
She's had a packed of oat krunch cookies, some keropok & a bowl of cornflakes.
She's definitely eating great today but honestly is she really converting the calories this fast?!
As much as I want a place of my own right now,
I can't imagine managing it.
I won't be able to cook at all with Izzaz crawling after me everywhere I go & Hilwa hurting him whenever possible (tonight's incident wasn't unintentional. After causing the nose bleed, she knocked his head with her phone. & she also scratched his face/head quite a few times today)
I can't imagine how I would have handled the situation just now if I was living on my own,
Alone & with Ikhwan not immediately reachable on his phone.
I'm not kidding when I say I can't do anymore kids.
Right now my life depends on a schedule.
Hilwa cannot nap throughout the day because she needs to sleep first because Izzaz literally wakes up at the sound of her voice.
& the moment Izzaz goes to sleep I cannot leave the room or the bed because he will wake up too.
I thought I had many other points just now but this negative chemistry between my two kids alone seems more than enough.
Hilwa please just go to sleeeeep.

Pattern.

So up til this week both kids have been lenient with me.
From day one Hilwa hasn't had a problem with sleeping, not to the point of it dragging on for a few days & taking a toll on me,
& same goes with Izzaz.
They both just got on the same pattern & I've never really known sleep deprivation.
But this week,
The week where I was basically home alone with them for 4 days,
Which means 24 hours of contact, no breaks, constant vigilance,
They decided to adopt a new pattern.
They'd go to sleep after maghrib roughly,
Nap for 2 hours,
& like clockwork both will wake up & continue playing til Ikhwan gets home.
Everyday this week.
I'd only get to sleep after 4 am,
Get woken up regularly by either Hilwa asking for a drink or Izzaz for milk about every 1 and a half hours,
I'd finally give up & be fully alert at noon,
Get a brief rest between about 8 to 10 pm,
Then be on alert again until 4 am.
I don't feel sleep deprived.
I'm just mentally so tired.
I've never been this aware of the fact that I'm tied to these goons for life.
For. Life.
They're gonna be bugging me their whole frigging life.
I mean look at me, still living with my parents & I'm married with two kids.
That's my future right there,
Bothered by my kids to my last breath.
Oh god I so need a break.
So tired T.T

I keep on calling him Haramjay instead.

I was gonna comment on the Harambe the gorilla issue,
About how some people on my fb who has one kid/don't even have kids of their own were accusing the boy's parents of negligence.
But I was rushing, fuming the whole time, angry words forming in my head,
To bathe a fussy Izzaz then put him down for a nap,
Quickly bathe Hilwa too (when I got to her, her eyelids juuuust fluttered shut OMG talk about timing),
& pray Asar,
That by the time everything was done I pretty much lost sight of the point of ranting on my blog.
So instead I chose to pick up the toys Hilwa upended on the floor just for the heck of it.
She's on the bed on YouTube, totally not playing with her toys.
(Yeap me totally being an epic fail of a mom, allowing my kid to go on YouTube anytime she wants)
So picture me, on all fours, gathering these small little bits,
Crawling forward a few inches to reach those pieces out of my reach.
There, all tidy.
Immediately Hilwa looks up from the phone,
Exclaims in anger,
Got down the bed,
Upended the toy bag again,
Crawled back up the bed,
Resumed watching the video.
Let me just put it this way,
If it was my kid who fell into a gorilla enclosure, I'd tell the response team to shoot her instead.
Lulz jk.
(No, I'm not).

Life changing.

Noob me never knew mothercare sold bras.
They retail for RM239 for a pack of 2 btw,
So even if I knew I'd never spend that much on bras.
Especially not nursing bras.
But on the day I found the above fact out,
I also found some lying in the clearance bin by the cashier & they're going for 50% off.
& after trying one on, I'd definitely pay RM60 a pop for it.
OMG has it been life changing.
For starters, I'm actually excited to put on a bra now.
I've legit forgotten what it feels like to have support, & most importantly what it's like to feel sexy & presentable.
It's come to the point where I'm considering a third child lol.
Not coz the bra is so great that I wanna wear it longer, no they're definitely not THAT great,
But I actually don't mind having to wear them for a few more years.
Plus, call me crazy, but I haven't quite got enough of childbirth.
& the idea of this being my last one year max of babywearing saddens me big time.
But naaaahh!
Posting this right after my last post?
Nope nope nope I'll enjoy these 2 new nursing bras I bought then screw babies for life.
Boy, bye!

From Penang with love.

Writing this down right now,
In the thick of everything,
For future reference.
Vacation sucks because the kids will never cooperate.
You won't be able to do any of the sightseeing or relaxing that you've been daydreaming about for months.
You'll be forced to take the kids down to the pool everyday, which is both tiring & boring coz you're stuck in the kiddy area with all your senses working overtime making sure your kids don't drown or get drowned by other kids.
Beach time will never work coz you hate sand, fullstop.
& no matter how packed or tiring you thought the day was, Hilwa will not fall asleep easily.
& you'll be left struggling to keep your eyes open waiting for her to decide to sleep, & then still have to prepare for tomorrow, pick up aft her, etc.
Oh yeah & being in a hotel will dry out your skin like crazy, & you'll be paranoid the kids will catch a cold/develop a fever.
To be perfectly honest, the last good memory of a vacation that I had was my honeymoon.
I was pregnant in Sabah which is tiring,
& kids just ruin everything.
Sekian.

Joyah.

Ini adalah sebuah post confession mungkin.
I don't know about you, but I severely judge a person's life based on their social media.
Lol!
After a certain time you know these 'friends' you see online everyday right.
The pattern to which they post things, be it pictures or status updates or tweets.
& I find it so easy (& amusing) to guess their moods or phases in life.
But a few times I tried turning it inwards & judging my social media.
I guess I'm most active on instagram, posting pictures of the kids 95% of the time.
On fb I leave comments & stuff, but I very seldom post or share things, & will only update my profile picture like once a year.
Recently, Ikhwan started to not wear his wedding ring coz *coughs* someone gained weight *coughs*.
We honestly want to go fix it, along with my engagement ring which I might have sat on & has since turned oval.
As for my wedding ring, I kinda stopped wearing it regularly after gaining weight during pregnancy & having 2 kids that I might poke it with, & god forbid, ruin the wrap/ring sling/wcssc that I happen to be wearing that day.
So yeah.
Objectively, I would begin assuming that my marriage is in trouble lol.
I found a quote once that I hold on to when my joyah radar starts going off,
'A sign of a healthy relationship is finding no trace of it on social media'.
But in this day & age I think it's necessary to update once in a while.
Like, why would you post your daily lunch but never talk about your spouse right?
So expect a cheesy post once we get our rings fixed lol.
Why the f am I even talking about this tonight?

Weaning.

It's the 3rd night of Hilwa sleeping without my bubis.
More than 48 hours since the last time she nursed.
Everytime I think of that (& the number of hours continue increasing) my heart literally breaks.
But I have to power on, for my own sanity.
She's coming to 2y7m this 14th.
She's been drinking formula from the bottle fine.
It's really time she's weaned.
How do I do it?
It's mostly luck & winging it,
But I started with telling her she's a big girl now so no more 'babam' (nursing to sleep in her language).
She made a fuss, pulling on my shirt & pleading mama.. mamaaa..
I told her again & again, she's a big girl now.
Dudu-ed her & tepuk her back,
& slowly she settles down & the pleading faded away.
It does take a long time though, especially waiting for her battery to run dry.
That's the most important part, she needs to be exhausted.
Yesterday I was lucky coz she fell asleep in the car otw back from atuk's house.
But she woke up later thirsty,
So I offered her the bottle which she responded with blood curling screams.
Then I tried offering plain water which she accepted,
& almost immediately fell back asleep lol.
So I gotta keep that in mind.
Honestly 3 days is nothing at all.
Like I said, it's all luck mostly.
I'll give it a week, then 2, then 1 whole month,
Before I call myself successful.
She still expects babam even tonight, it'll take a while for her to register the idea of falling asleep on her own.
I have got to be strong & not give up.
But seriously though,
I really can't help feeling like now I'm useless for her.
Other people can keep her clean, she plays on her own, she seldom eats what I prepare for her (or anything for that matter. The one & only thing that consistently makes her eat is udon at the restaurant, any restaurant will do. Not my cooking lol).
Now I'm no longer nourishing her.
T.T
Anyways, going way off topic now,
But she started calling me mummy since yesterday.
I do not know where that came from.

Yet another thing I need.

Another rabbit hole I never expected to fall into post-mommyhood is the diaper bag hole.
Perhaps the worst RM80+ I spent on my child ever was the so called diaper bag I bought at a pureen warehouse sale when I was pregnant with Hilwa.
I do not go to warehouse sales anymore.
The heat & the kelam kabutness of it makes you buy really lousy stuff, like a bad diaper bag & expensive diapers konon on sale.
Yeah but I'm not here to talk about warehouse sales.
I have since realized people no longer use the ugly, uncomfortable hard-shelled diaper bags.
So I got the skip hop that I'm using now which was perfect for when I only had Hilwa & back when Izzaz was still considered an infant.
But now with Izzaz on solids & Hilwa drinking formula,
It's kinda, very sadly, not enough.
Left the house early on Saturday bound for Curve having to bring an empty milk bottle, thermos, formula caddy, a Tupperware of Izzaz's porridge which I wanted to keep as warm as possible, a bottle of plain water, & all the other stuff like change of clothes & diapers etc.
Yeah I ran out of pockets to stuff everything in, ended up shoving the thermos somewhere & putting it into the stroller cup holder when we got there.
We've also been making quick trips out for lunch, or whenever I have to drag the kids out for some moments of sanity with my friends,
Where instead of lugging the stroller I'd just babywear Izzaz & make Hilwa walk,
& it's really not practical to wear a messenger back coz it's added weight on 1 single shoulder,
& it flails around whenever I need to hold onto Hilwa or chase after her.
I really need a proper backpack nowadays.
So I've been looking around for one, any backpack, on zalora, Groupon, 11street,
Seriously, I'm not even being picky,
But everytime I find something I like at the price point I'm comfortable with,
I'm like.. but this doesn't solve my bottle-holding pockets issue.
So tonight I went into YouTube searching for 'what's in my diaper bag' videos for mommies with plural children to see how do they organize,
& the answer came immediately.
Jujube BFF.
& my heart sinks.
This bag can be used as a backpack & shoulder/messenger, & both straps are removable so you're not left with annoying dangling stuff however you choose to wear it.
It has 2 insulated bottle holders outside with 4 more pockets inside + countless other zippers everywhere.
It's the perfect size, spacious but won't make you look like you packed for a trip to Everest or something.
& the best part? It's about rm700 from an authorized reseller in Malaysia.
Yeah of course someone somewhere has designed THE perfect diaper bag.
& of course it comes at a very pretty price.
I am currently seriously contemplating selling off 2 of my SSCs to fund this, that's how desperate I'm feeling right now.
I really should sleep on it & see how I feel tomorrow :(

Nostalgila.

It's the kind of night where I feel like all I did was blink,
& suddenly we're 28,
Dealing with kids & husbands,
A miscarriage.
Responsibilities & distance keeping us too far apart.
I miss my girls.
Right now I'm glad out of all the things I miss,
I miss my girls the most.
I'm glad out of all the things I had,
Them I still have.

Losses. (& gains).

Oh how this heart aches.
Paid for a tula for Izzaz yesterday.
I settled for a print I kinda like with a price below what I budgeted for.
All this while I've been eyeing this Abby's Lane exclusive which is double what I consider reasonable for a canvas tula.
Then today the seller slashed the price T.T
Been trying to tell myself it is still wayyy off budget,
& even though it's an exclusive it's still overpriced for a canvas tula,
But the green.. :(
Oh well I'll most probably be getting what I bought tomorrow.
Let's get over this fast.

& move on to topics of more weight.
This past week was filled with ups & downs.
Life going full circle,
Starting with Nad losing her dad to cancer,
Which I didn't even know he was suffering from these past few years.
But she was her usual chirpy, smiley self,
Exclaiming her disappointment when I didn't bring Izzaz along.
She only cried when Mir, her best friend, arrived.
So strong that one.
Then early Saturday morning Wan has a miscarriage.
Oh this one breaks my heart so bad.
We've been keeping the secret since she got back to Sydney,
The Sunday she arrived itself she did the test & it was positive.
I swear, Lin & I almost bought tickets straight away.
Then on her birthday she started bleeding,
Had an ultrasound the next day & the baby was smaller than it should be at 9 weeks, no heartbeat detected.
She started bleeding out heavily Friday afternoon & lost the baby early Sat.
Everytime I think about it my heart still feels so heavy.
But I'm glad Simon is there with her,
& I know she's in good hands.
I just wish I could be there to fill her time & the silence of home.
I hope she knows how much I love her.
Life wouldn't go full circle if there's no, well, life.
Saturday night Ikhwan's cousin & lifelong homeboy Nabil's wife gave birth.
Can't wait to go visit the baby,
& at the same time racun then with wraps!
Don't blame me, he texted me first for advise & mintak tolong find one for the wife.
Awhhh squish wrapping I can't wait!

The Rabbit Hole.

Babywearing makes people anal.
To begin with, there's a lot of different types of carriers to choose from, & counting.
When I first got into babywearing there's the wrap, ring sling, mei tai & ssc.
Then mei tai & ssc got married & you get the half-buckles.
Then wraps & ssc got married & you get the hybrids.
Then now there's the onbu which I don't even know what married what.
But you get the drift.
With all these different types of carriers, there's literally a galaxy of designs & brands & companies & makers & weavers & collaborations that I can't even.
You can try wrap after wrap after wrap only to end up wanting the airiness of that one plus the weight of this one & the colours of the other one.
Then you end up customizing the weave, the yarns, the blend,
Chopping a wrap into gears,
Fine-tuning it down to mere centimeters & I'm being truly honest here, people do that.
Just to chase for that unicorn.
See, we even know it doesn't exist, that perfect one.
We named it the freaking UNICORN.
But out of all this craziness, I managed to narrow it down to this:
I love ring slings for when I feel like dressing up, when I want to be drawing some attention.
& for the ease & practicality, I love a Tula ssc.
My problem right now is that I don't have a Tula for Izzaz.
I have one which fits Hilwa but it'll be a looong time till Izzaz can fit in it.
& I'm getting restless.
They're coming out with a new design very soon where instead of a solid piece of canvas wrapping around your baby, they're putting in some mesh for airflow.
& logically I should wait for that to start trickling into the Malaysian fsot (if I can help it, I will never buy any carrier brand new).
But that could take a few months,
& I'm impatient,
& I'm expecting it to be pricier than the few Tulas I'm eyeing on the fsot right now.
I don't know.
I joined the 'official' Tula bst group on fb & to be honest,
At least now I've accepted the fact that there will be no end to wanting.
I just "need" a Tula right now for Izzaz,
& I also "need" to own a wrap conversion Tula at least once in my life.
Right now I'm torn between acting rash & getting one immediately,
Only to churn when the mesh ones becomes available,
Only to churn again for the fated WC.
Or to just be grateful & patient with the boleh lah ssc that I own until Izzaz grows into the toddler Tula.
Which is so not my style mihihi.
If only money trees really exist.

11 March.

Yesterday marks 1 month of Lin being married.
I really don't mean to make this about myself but I want to put down my experience where I can look back & remember.
I wasn't feeling my best the weeks leading up to it,
Something was always weighing on my  mind,
Went through the fall out boy phase,
Then on the March 5th Wan touched down.
Took us a few days to meet up, what with her needing to get a Malaysian number & weekends being my family time,
But when the 3 of us finally met it was magic.
I was kinda down with fever on & off, nose all sniffly & I constantly had this terrible headache,
I remember just functioning through one task at a time,
Downing panadols to make it to meet ups.
The funny thing is the moment I'm in the presence of the girls everything becomes perfect.
Then the Wednesday before Lin's nikah, when she should have been all bride-sy & busy,
She & Wan surprised me by taking me out for a birthday mani pedi session.
& paid for it.
Wthell, the bridesmaid got a mani pedi session, paid by the bride, 2 days before the wedding.
I still don't get it myself lol.
We had brownies & ice cream, then went lingerie shopping (what else do we do when Wan is around lulz),
Ikhwan even took 3 days off & pretty much handled the kids most of the time.
Looking back I feel like I was being pampered more than the bride.
The wedding day came & I still can't put it into words.
Watching Lin get her henna done,
Making her bouquet for her,
Helping her put on her tudung,
Walking her out of her house & driving her with Wan to bakti,
Holding her hand through the akad,
& seeing her light up the whole weekend.
I am so privileged to witness it all, to be a part of it.
Something clicked in the 2 weeks of having Wan back & Lin married,
I came out the other side lighter, happier, I've forgiven myself.
It's like finally I am complete,
Having my two best friends embark on their journeys at exactly the same time.
Now that I think of it, I'm still getting used to a Puan Lina.
The 3 of us, we've always talked about how we're all never happily in a relationship at the same time.
One of us will always be going through some drama or a break up.
But now, alhamdulillah.

Eyebright.

I never understood the hype around Oscha wraps.
Especially roses.
I found the design boring & cliche.
But then comes Roses Eyebright.
Pastel purple to blue grad, oh man.
Got the chance to temporarily trade my kokadi flip with one,
Fully expecting to get over it the moment I receive it,
Like I did the rebung.
But oh man.
It is so soft to the touch, I practically purred on first contact.
& the color.. oh man.
I seriously want to keep this, even if it means just staring at it.
I don't mind just staring at it,
Coz my wrap job was so bad just now even Izzaz started shouting.
There's a wcssc made from it on sale now though.
Oh man.

Mixed up.

Penangan obsesi Hunger Games semenjak duamenjak ni.
Mimpi orang yang dah lama tak mimpi.
See.. I wasn't exaggerating when I said J-Hutch reminds me of him.
I definitely wasn't thinking of him all through Catching Fire last night.
I was, however, taking in a little too much of Josh's smiles lulz.
I don't even know why I'm writing this,
But I guess it's coz it's been too long.
& waking up wasn't difficult at all, I just felt slightly silly & that was it.
I was sitting at a round table,
There were 4 of us but for the life of me I can't remember who they were,
Just that I know I trust them.
Maybe one of them is Lin but I'm not sure.
It was at the porch of the old kafa at burhanuddin helmi, & he appeared from behind me.
Walked to my left & gestured for hugs from everyone around that table.
OK now I'm sure to my right was Lin,
Coz before he reached her I asked "this is definitely not a dream right?",
To which she replied, "definitely not a dream".
& I felt so awake, I really had no clue.
He came to me last, smiling, not a word spoken,
Hugging me a little too briefly, a silent laugh on his lips,
As if to say "don't worry, we've got all the time in the world to catch up".
Then he was gone.
I reached for my phone, kinda awake for a while but kinda still in the dream, thinking clearly I gotta text Imara.
"Why did we make it such a big deal? All he did was go to the US for 5 years, he's back now".
(Yeah my friend Umar is for real coming back from the US after 5 years of studying there. Tsk do not browse fb before bed).
If anyone were speaking around that table, I wouldn't know.
I sat staring into space, basking in the fact that he's back.
His face, his presence, a little too vivid.
Then suddenly a hovercraft appeared, & started dropping firebombs over the athinahapan area.
& I was vaguely aware that damn, I'm dreaming.
The heaviness of sleep starts to pull me,
As I tried to maintain a hold on Hilwa,
Running back inside to grab Izzaz, who I couldn't decide whether to carry or use a carrier.
Then I just grabbed my carrier & wanted to run, but decided I needed stuff like diapers, food, clothes.
I ain't got enough time for all this.
Had to let go of Hilwa for a minute, she ran out the gate.
& the fear of never seeing her ever again, omg.
I could only pray my friends are ahead & she'd find them.
Made away with a near empty bag with clearly not enough supplies,
But my feet were so heavy I knew I should have started running straight away.
I see Hilwa up ahead, I gotta catch up.
But the more I ran the further away everything seemed.
& I'm awake.
Feeling mostly silly.
For dreaming of firebombs, of him after so so long.
I want to say I'm unaffected,
But his face is one you can never unsee.
I see him right now, in all his glory.
Ya Allah, may his soul rest in peace.

Perspective.

I've been in a foul mood for so long I lost count.
Maybe even the whole week.
I really hope it's hormones (the period kind, not any other kinds please).
But right now, in this moment of clarity after a very satisfying ayam goreng mcd binge session,
I'm seeing a different perspective.
Ikhwan chose to go riding today,
& to me that's choosing to abandon us, his family, his nearest & dearest supposedly, after spending so much time working the whole week.
So now you see why I was in such a foul mood.
But then I can't help feeling so empowered I'm almost giddy the whole day.
I managed to sort out the kids this morning,
Load them both into the car,
& drive all the way to my in laws incident free,
Izzaz even napped the whole way.
Yes I had help here & there,
Mama took over Hilwa after I was done bathing her & even went to buy her milk coz we ran out of it,
& since I had to drop the maid off on my way out, she helped lock up the house when I had my hands full loading the kids into the car.
But it is the first time I drove with both kids.
& I feel so accomplished lol.
Then I managed to bathe them both on my own this evening at my in laws.
Hence the giddiness.
It's also the fact that Ikhwan tagged along with his brother & friends on this trip.
I really respect ngoh,
For being the generous person he is,
Especially with his family.
Because we all know it's easy to be nice to everyone else but family.
& he was the one who made this quarter life crisis hobby of my husband possible,
Made sure he has some good gears to protect him,
Then ask his little brother along with his more experienced friends instead of just letting him wander off with a random biking group you can't even count on.
So yeah.
I guess that's enough perspective for one night.
I'm anxiously waiting for my dearest husband to get over this & sell off the bike lol.
No I'm not kidding.
Oh well I guess it's pretty fun making sarcastic jokes with my parents in law when we found out the boys got stuck in Rawang coz it was raining.
Just for tonight I'll bask in it.

Not so star crossed after all.

I'm done with the hunger games.
There's so many things going on in my head,
& they relate to completely different issues,
I'm torn between feeling completely content & borderline hysterical.
It's a smart book, despite being on the YA genre,
It makes you really think.
Part of me can't believe I swore it off when I first found out about it,
Part of me really glad I waited till I'm right here in my life to read it.
Peeta & the ending,
It brings me such a feeling of calm & contentment.
I don't even feel like watching the movies right now, or ever.
Unlike other books where I couldn't wait to just relive it again, just to see it brought to life.
No, I'm done with the games & the chaos.
Katniss assassinating coin,
I'm glad she did it, from the moment she got to 13 I can't help picturing the Kate Winslet of divergent as coin.
Calculative, selfish, evil.
I swear I really didn't know what happened in mockingjay after whatever ended in the part 1 movie,
But from the start I couldn't shake off feeling there's more to coin than just the ultra-strict way she ran 13.
Who's to say when she's in power she wouldn't starve everyone worse than snow did?
She could even use the excuse where she's used to her cautious, military ways of 13,
& just rationed everyone to the point of death lol.
But I guess the worst part of the series is realizing how truly it reflects real life events.
Everyone keeps on calling out for a change in leadership,
But referring to coin, how do you know your life would be better when someone else takes over?
Trust me, everyone has their own personal agenda.
& the idea that we live in a society on this world relying on one figure to lead us,
It is scaring me to the brink of madness right now.
& that, ladies & gentleman, is why I never want to pay too much attention to politics.
Now I'm gonna go disappear into a world of peeta, of a girl & a boy playing in the meadows, of having a pair of hands that keeps me wrapped up in safety at night.

Catching Fire.

I'm probably about 20% through Catching Fire, the 2nd book of Hunger Games,
& I'm already questioning my existence.
Had teppanyaki for dinner last night & I didn't finish my vege,
Then I felt horrible because people at district 12 don't even have enough to eat.
We spent last night at a hotel,
Had a lavish buffet breakfast,
Then splashed around in a pool,
& now I'm questioning what's the point of it all.
To some people in the world, a daily shower is a luxury.
I'm blogging this solely to preserve my thoughts.
Let's see where the rest of the story takes me.

Parenting.

Oh gosh it's been a hectic couple of weeks.
Lin's wedding (& the Wednesday before) deserve a post of its own & my total concentration.
So I'm just gonna blab things off the top of my head for now.
Like my style of parenting because I feel like it.
I've been reading quite a few articles on how to deal with toddler tantrums la, overly sensitive kids la,
& they all say the same thing,
Empathize & give attention.
Maybe coz I choose to read things like this & not the 'cry it out' side of things.
It's easy to read, understand & talk about it.
But putting it into action is a whole different story.
These past 3 days I've been pretty much holding the fort on my own with my parents away.
So what I do is settle all chores in the morning, bathe, eat, make sure kids are full, clean & dry, all happy before ikhwan leaves for work,
Then I pretty much can't even go to the toilet unless either one is napping.
Every cry, every squeak needs to be responded to, even with just a little 'hmm?' or a cuddle.
It's madness.
I don't think it's even logical if you are a single parent, or a housewife without any helper at home when your husband is at work.
I guess I just have to pray by some miracle my kids turn out ok lol.
This leads me to another topic I can't help but be passionate about:
Babywearing.
I have long resorted into wearing my son at home when he's being impossible.
Going out without any carrier makes me feel like I'm dying.
We have turned back home after having entered one utama parking & found a vacant spot simply because I forgot the ssc.
Nasib baik la seberang jalan je rumah.
I asked my sister last night while having dinner & Izzaz is strapped to my chest,
"How did you manage without babywearing when the kids were this age?"
She seriously can't remember.
Selective memory, I can totally relate lol

Panic Station.

I jokingly posted Panic Station on Lin's timeline because she has officially started her marriage leave as of 9pm.
Woot!
But then the joke was on me as I began to panic when I realized I actually have a long list of to-dos too.
Ermagerd gone are the days when I can roll off the bed Friday morning & rush to get everything done.
I have to account for tantrums, mealtimes, or simply clingy-baby-won't-leave-mama-alone cases.
What a time to be sick.
Finally feel better today after nearly a week of skull-crushing flu.
I literally could only function after taking panadol to relieve the pain,
& even then I only function for the absolute necessities.
Finally called Aunty Maria masseuse extraordinaire,
& turns out my whole body has been in knots.
So that explains why my realization came so last minute.
Ok I feel so much better after actually typing out the list of to-dos,
& crapping about it here.
3 days til my best friend gets hitched!
Let's dooooo this!

2016 Wishlist.

Welcome, March.
I refuse to feel depressed, old, nostalgic, whatever.
Instead let's carry on with the tradition of posting my wishlist here,
Because it's hella amusing reading them back (there was a time when all I wanted was Matthew Bellamy, pfft. Would have done better asking for a gold ring or something, young Hilyah).
Anyways..
I'm going to start with the actual thing I asked from Ikhwan,
& that is a ceiling fan, installed & in perfect working order (the current one broke down quite a number of months ago).
Because I swear to God in the current heatwave it's not funny having to survive on a table fan.
Yes I know I have the aircond but it's not practical for the 5 mins I spend in the room praying Asar when it's hot as hell.
So now that I've set this as the birthday present I know by hook or by crook we will get it done this month.
Fingers crossed no drama.
Ok just because I have decided on a gift doesn't mean I don't have a list of other ridiculous stuff.
Boy do I have an actual list in my phone.
I guess the thing I want most (& need the least) is a fancy hwcssc priced in the 4 digits region.
It's green, it's handwoven, it's ridiculous. I want it so bad.
Next, I want a mani pedi, a haircut, a facial, a full body massage, a delicious meal, desserts after, all sans kids nor even remotely worrying about them.
But Izzaz (& Hilwa, seriously) is still very dependant on my bubis,
So maybe I could do them one by one every weekend in March? Lulz one can dream.
I want a backpack. Because.
I'm not picky, it could be a jujube brb/bff, or a storksak poppy, or a skiphop forma backpack.
Oh I'd take a Kipling, I really don't mind.
& while we're at it, I kinda need a new wallet.
The only problem is I have a specific design in my head that doesn't exist so maybe we could go to some leather craftsman & have it custom made or something.
Yeah awesome.
I think that's it.
I'm so proud of how my wishlist can actually be purchased now & does not include kidnapping rockstars & stuff.
The problem is they don't come cheap.
But seriously it wouldn't be called a wish if I could just buy it today right.
So now who's buying me prezzies this month?

Disposal.

To be perfectly honest,

I'm treating Fall Out Boy like wet wipes right now.

Wiping all the shit clean,

I'm positive they are going to be disposed off very, very soon.

With the exception of Evening Out With Your Girlfriend & Take It To Your Grave,

All the other albums reeks of recent feelings.

I do not want to keep them.

Sorry Patrick Stumph.

It was good while it lasted though.

Progress update.

I'm going to begin my post with this:
I have achieved yet another milestone tonight when my best friend from university,
Geng free hair seksi2, balik kl tiap2 minggu, borak 18sx,
Yang sekarang dah kahwin, beranak pinak dan insaf (perlu ditekankan disini),
Invited me to like her Tupperware page on Facebook.
Tupperware, tuan2 dan puan2.
I cannot get anymore housewife than this lol.
Anyways, selamat sejahtera para pembaca.
Minggu yang drama.
Izzaz turned 6 months old & along came fever, cough, flu & God knows what else.
Both him & Hilwa has been down since Saturday.
Hilwa suara dah macam itik nila.
Took them both to the hospital yesterday, thank God they weren't admitted.
Blood tests came back negative for dengue & micro-abende-ntah I can't remember anymore what the doctor mentioned (it's in the results paper, I'm too lazy to get up & check).
Though Izzaz was given the nebulizer & has to take antibiotics for a week T.T
Bertabahlah nak menyumbat ubat lagi 5 hari.
Pengalaman first time pergi private hospital?
Best sebab laju.
Doctor, nurse semua baik dan peramah.
Armchair tempat nebulizer tu empuk tak hengat.
Ok dah cukup la cite pasal budak2 sakit dan hospital.
Updates on Izzaz:
Mengengsot penuh rumah dengan sangat laju.
2, 3 hari ni dah start 'atatah' & 'mamama'.
Memula aku macam taknak bangga sangat dia dok 'mamama' tu,
But usually he does that when he's fussy, mintak susu or mengantuk tapi aku lambat attend.
So kembang la sikit teehee.
Ok dah cukup la tu.

Dating game on fleek.

Today I'm going to proceed to not making that much sense.
My husband is a firm disbeliever of Valentine's day.
He gets borderline annoyed whenever I bring the topic up, like asking for flowers or a date.
(Except this year when I sarcastically asked for a helmet. I got a teeny tiny smile out of that but nope, no sparkly candy apple red helmet for me today).
Anyways, I think his reasons are religious but I'm not sure.
But today I learnt that one shall not give up too early in the fight.
The kids woke up super early this morning,
By the time we were ready to go out they were ready for their nap, & in Hilwa's case pretty hungry.
So we had a stressful lunch with Izzaz (who fell asleep in the car) refusing to go back to sleep but is fussing & asking to be carried,
& Hilwa who couldn't wait for her food, then managed to sit & eat her fries for a while, then became hyper & even fell of the chair trying to climb her dad or something (standard behavior when she's too tired).
I swear to God I was so done.
I was convinced Ikhwan would pull his usual "jom la balik I penat" act, & I actually wouldn't have minded.
But instead, he lead me to Harvey Norman to "survey barang untuk rumah kita nanti".
(Yes, one can dream).
& Izzaz fell asleep in his carrier while Hilwa pretty much passed out in the stroller,
& I know this is so housewifey of me but I had such a blast looking at washing machines & kitchen sets & fridges.
Hands down, best Valentine's day ever.
I'm not sure Ikhwan even noticed what day it was,
But who cares.
I got my date.
I'm already bugging him to get a day off later this month so we can go to Ikea pulak lulz.

Lega.

So something pretty big happened earlier (or yesterday la officiallynya),
Tak perlu la nak mention apa dia tapi it was a big deal.
Cukup significant untuk buat jiwa kacau beberapa bulan,
Walaupun kononnya hadap dalam diam sorang-sorang,
Tapi bila Ikhwan tanya tadi "so you lega tak?" nampak sangat men are not oblivious after all bahahah.
As for the answer to his question?
Aku tak lega.
In fact, I don't feel anything.
I had a small "oh" when I finally saw it.
I took a few good looks at it.
I watched a movie with Ikhwan & completely forgot about it.
Then the movie ended & it came back to my attention & Ikhwan asked me the question, & honestly I felt nothing.
Until I went to instagram's explore page & came across a stranger's car selfie & her child's car seat caught my attention.
It was then that I felt something major.
Excitement.
Ohhh we really gotta buy Izzaz a proper car seat, I'm so excited.
& for that, I am lega.
So to the universe,
Good luck.
May all of our journeys go smoothly & safely.

Stash stress.

Been feeling so super stressed out today.
Over a ring sling.
I feel so shallow but honest to god, I'm stressed out.
Here's my train of thought:
Let's sell anggun.
I'm gonna price it exactly what I bought it for,
Mention that I've only had it for a week & no love there.
Nonono but there is love there, I love how solid it is, I know Izzaz will be able to grow with it for a while.
Ok let's get it converted.
But then what shoulder will I change it to?
It is kinda working as it is, isn't it?
Kak Ilah does have a point about having the long taper as top rail.
Nonono, now that I've noticed the seams are facing outwards I cannot live with it like that.
& I definitely do not like pleated shoulder.
Hmm should I have the plain grey part on top, or the black stripey part?
I think the grey is prettier but any stains will definitely show.
The black is more practical but I don't really like how it looks without the grey showing when worn.
But do I really wanna spend more money on it?
Fine, lets just sell & get something perfect.
*scroll fsot, spots something interesting, try to find reviews, moves on to the next thing, sees price, freaks out.
Seriously, I don't think I can find another toddlerworthy & pretty ring sling for the price I got anggun for.
I mean, we're talking pavos, at least.
Sub 300.
Basically nonexistent.
But then realistically, how much longer can I carry Izzaz on one shoulder comfortably anyways?
It's WCSSCs I should be looking at right now.
Yeap, just need some healthy donations from some sugar daddy for that lulz.
Also, I think I've been watching too much wrapyouinlove.
I'm beginning to confuse Izzaz & Emile.
& now that Izzaz is finally asleep I'm kinda itching to pinch him & hear his laugh.
Which makes me wanna go watch Emile some more coz it's like the next best thing sigh.

OCD.

So I mentioned I received the anggun rs last week.
I put it on maybe twice,
Found it too thick & kejung,
Borderline impossible to thread & tighten,
It's a left pleated shoulder,
& the list of negatives goes on.
I just couldn't love it, kept on going through fsot for a new one that I could buy & quickly sell anggun.
Until I got the idea of getting it converted into a right shoulder rs.
Contacted Kak Ilah of BabyFizzy & discussing the conversion made me realize that as it is, the rs is actually 'wrong' side out.
So I flipped it over & wore it properly for the first time just now,
& my god right now I really can't imagine ever selling it lol.
I'm definitely getting it converted though because the exposed seams & tag is really bugging the hell out of me.
Plus I now know I don't really enjoy a pleated shoulder.
But yeah.
You'd think in babywearing there's enough to consider what with thread blends, weave type & grammage.
Now I know for a fact I'm anal about seams too bahahah!

Letting off steam.

I feel the need to rant.
Kepala rasa serabut, mari let off steam.
Just recovered from 2 days of fever.
Tak kelakar tetibe demam lengkap sakit badan segala.
Throwback denggi sangat.
I'm guessing it happened coz I was gatal enough to go eat black pepper steak for lunch on a panaih menyerit day as kak gayah would call it.
Anyways, there goes my last two days with the emerald rebung.
Posted it back home petang tadi.
Now I'm actually feeling on edge tak senang duduk selagi parcel tak sampai ke tuan dia.
Tak kelakar oi kalau barang orang lost in transit, rebung pulak tu.
Haihh..
I also received my anggun ring sling yesterday.
Anggun is it's name btw, aku takde la poyo nak describe wrap itu anggun kan lulz.
Loving the look, surprisingly the feel as well.
Rasa dewasa sgt dah own a sorta 'beastly' wrap as they call it.
Tebal, kasar, keras.
My only problem with it is it's impossible to tighten once baby is in.
But the up side is once baby is in, it holds up rock solid.
So what I do is adjust ngam2 sebelum pop in then buat seat je.
I think I'm gonna give it a wash tomorrow, see what happens.
Tangan dah gatal nak jual & carik lain ni lol.
Dahla ada org dibs dah so it doesn't hurt to try kan.
But I suddenly feel so tired of all these transactions & postage & getting acquainted with new stuff.
I don't know how people can do hundreds of them & still be excited every time.
& I'm not exaggerating.
There is a mama that said she's posted out at least 120 gears since she started babywearing.
WTF.
Ok let's go on to updates on Izzaz.
I've started officially feeding him solids since Tuesday.
But if my nurse asks then say not yet la hor bahaha.
To be honest, we've been letting him suck & nibble on cut apples & papayas since he turned 4 months old.
Coz he's just so hungry!
He can empty out my boobies then still click his tongue when he sees us eating.
So kesian right.
Plus all the signs were there,
He could sit in the bumbo & hold his head steady,
He could swallow,
He definitely shows interest in food.
& he's been such a dream these 4 days.
Fed him pureed apples the first 3 days then today made carrots.
Cleans up every single bowl.
Syok pulak dok buat baby food.
Masa Hilwa dulu tak tau la tak kena gaya ke aku yang impatient ke apa.
Solids was so frustrating.
Hope it stays good with Izzaz.
Hilwa pun minggu ni good girl, been eating proper meals especially dinner.
& they've both been sleeping early, like 8.30 to 9 pm liddat every night.
So now imma go freshen up & catch up on my movies teehee.

Hunger pangs.

I'm hungry.
Despite having rice for dinner,
Then finishing some pastries I bought for tea,
Then eating maggi just before bringing the kiddos up to bed.
Maggi happened about an hour ago.
& I'm legit hungry.
Just breastfed both babies from both side of my bubis though.
I don't care if you think I'm using breastfeeding as an excuse.
At the end of the day, I'm still hungry lol.
But I don't know if anyone else experience this,
Every time I breastfeed, at that point just before let down, I'll lose my appetite.
I could be starving, I could be in the middle of telling Ikhwan I'm really craving for whatever I'm craving for,
I'll just suddenly feel full & the even the idea of food becomes almost repulsive.
& this happens every single breastfeeding session since I gave birth to Hilwa 2 years & 3 months ago.
Well, thought that would distract me but nahh..
I'm still thinking of the Nathan's hotdog truck that's been in Tmn Tun these few days sheesh.

The harsh truth.

Took the rebung out to ou just now.
Since it's not mine, I initially wore Izzaz in the COK ring sling while we had lunch,
Then he got hungry so I took him to the nursing room where I finally wrapped him in the rebung.
Since he just had milk, & I didn't have time to just put him down & let him rest coz papa & Hilwa were waiting,
I dare not spend too much time tightening him lest he vomit on a borrowed wrap.
The wrap wasn't exactly diggy, but it just didn't sit right.
Plus since Izzaz was sleeping, I pulled up the sides of the fwcc to secure his head, & he was sweating bullets under the 3 layers.
I still love how it looks & feels in hand though.
This post was supposed to be me saying once & for all the rebung is nothing special & I'm giving up wraps for good,
But I can't quite bring myself to lol.
If bebe sachi ever decides to weave an emerald rebung blanket I probably wouldn't hesitate to own one.
But right now, deeeep down inside, I know I'm just too lazy to be lugging around yards of cloth, then spending tens of minutes draping it around me.
I'm a ring sling (& wcssc, fingers crossed lol) mama through & through.
I was just really lucky I got to try out the rebung without having to spend money on it, & then have it be the wrap I retire on (most probably lol).

Emerald Rebung.

By some extremely lucky twist of fate,
I now have in my possession an emerald rebung.
For the next 10 days or so, but who cares!
Emerald rebung virgin no more!
First touch: I like how grippy but not overly textured it is.
My previous experience with textured wraps are a 100% cotton pfau & that linen Indio I hosted in October,
& this rebung weave has some grip but it still feels smooth & slippery in hand.
First up: omg I can't even describe it.
It's exactly like everything I've ever read in all the reviews ever written.
I chose to do the fwcc coz that's what I'm most comfortable tying,
& putting Izzaz into the pouch, he just stayed there, the wrap did not budge.
But then tightening required minimal effort,
The wrap literally glides into place & moulds to our body like a bandage.
Its so curious coz in hand it doesn't have that much stretch at all.
Mind boggling.
& I did not feel him on my shoulders at all,
But he was up maybe 10-15 minutes so we'll see about that.
The colour: truly gorgeous, I'm obsessed.
This one I'm hosting is in the black weft,
I still don't know whether the green weft would be prettier or not, but who cares.
Expect a gazillion rants here for the next 10 days.
Sheesh now I really want to own one T.T

Moved.

I just finished watching Me and Earl and the Dying Girl.
It's so good I actually don't have an exact word for it.
Mainly coz I have Fall Out Boy's American Beauty/American Psycho in my ears.
The movie was so good I couldn't shut down my laptop & move on with life.
Like I'm just gonna fall asleep right here & wake up with the tear streaks still on my face, ya know?
But yeah, so I put on Fall Out Boy & now I'm sad that they're moving me how Muse should.
Except Muse isn't anymore.
Pfft.
Just go listen to the first 4 tracks of this album & tell me this shit don't move you.
Then watch Me and Earl and the Dying Girl because that's good stuff right there.
Man I wish I could get paid digging around for good movies on IMDB & listening to the same, like, 6 bands forever.