And i still find myself writing about you.

Annoyance.
That's what i feel when i am reminded of you.
Sebab dah takde point.
Takde motif.
Takde tenaga lagi dah.
It's enough that you are a part of me.
Like how everyone we've come to know & especially love will always be a part of us.
They're in our thoughts, with each heartbeat,
Subconsciously.
If i say there was a day that i didn't think of you,
I'd be lying.
& this is why i say i get annoyed when I'm actually actively reminded of you.
Because i will eventually say (or think) all this which i prefer to not realize & not know & not think of.
It sucks that you feel so near all the time,
Like you were just yesterday,
& i remember exactly where i was & what i was thinking when that picture of you was taken,
& we weren't even in the same room,
Heck we weren't even along the same street.
It can't be 10 years ago, can it?
Are you really not just yesterday, or a week ago?
Because you sure feel that near.
& it sucks that your personality just bloody shines through everything that's even remotely you,
So that i hear your voice & i see your expressions & i just feel your presence.
Screw it.
Screw it all.
I hate how the thought of never, ever seeing you ever again throws me into a panic.
That's not how this is supposed to feel.
Not that night, not 6 years after, not ever.

It's 2.40am right now.
Or 7.40pm in London.
It's the earliest I've been on my bed, bathed & ready to sleep in a week.
Work has been nuts.
But despite getting brain-fried throughout the day (or night, more accurately),
Spending almost half of my day in the office,
& waking up tired every afternoon,
I've never felt this fulfilled in terms of work.
First time rasa gaji halal.
Kalau dulu dekat ibilik asyik curi tulang, bergosip & bazir electric company.
Horhor!
So it's been over a month since i wrote.
Why? Because I've been terribly depressed.
I still am.
& i still can't quite imagine any positive outcome of my situation.
But I'll start worrying about that in a week's time.
Sekarang ni dok stress kejar deadline siapkan photobook.
Yes, having a fully customized album of my wedding is still a wonderful idea for me.
It's just that when i bought the coupon for it, i forgot i have zero creativity.
I can appreciate art when it comes from other people,
But when i have to do it myself,
I keep finding myself in symmetrical squares.
Major -__________-"
But let's put that aside.
So ika got married last weekend.
& i won't be able to say anything without tearing up.
I now know why people make a big fuss when their best friend gets married.
Heck, i didn't feel this way when my own sister got married.
(But she comes home so often its like she never left)
Ika, on the other hand,
Hit me like a brick wall.
It happened the moment the ceremony was done.
I can't quite place the feeling.
I'm extremely happy, bordering obsessed, over the fact that it's finally happened for her,
But at the same time like I've lost my best friend.
Because i know she will have what i believe i have with Ikhwan,
Not just a marriage,
But a best friend, a partner, a roommate,
Who matters above everyone else,
& will make us put each other second.
Lol!
(But thank God now i have someone to discuss the dirtier side of marriage with so really, I'm just being overly dramatic about putting each other second).
& here comes my roommate fresh from the shower ;)