Growl.

Terjaga awal dan segar pulak mata ni.
Hampeh betul sebab sat lagi pukul 10.30 dah kena standby.
Sebabnya ada parcel abah suruh aku sambut dari skynet.
Dia?
Nak pergi jemput anak baru katanya.
Pagi-pagi ni sedih pulak terpikir BHU dah kena ganti.
I still remember, very clearly, the day it was brought home.
Aku tengah tidur kat depan, dengar mama's excited chatter.
Tidur balik.
Bangun petang tu baru paham apa berlaku.
Dalam keadaan mamai, dan abah's euphoria, aku mintak nak drive & dia kasi.
I remember the power I felt in my hands & under my feet.
Every growl the engine made as I accelerated.
Abah's previous storm was gone when I was only 14, & the rodeo was manual.
This baby I got to drive, I actually earned the trust to drive.
Sampai ke tahap kereta idaman was a pickup truck.
Oh & the comments I got driving it.
I've never felt so sexy driving a car (ok now I get why people waste millions on sports car fine fine)
But yeah..
Lately BHU has been unwell.
Gear macam taknak masuk.
Plus the bumps & scratches & really, it has been yeaaaars.
Makanya it is being replaced.
& to be honest, I can't wait to take the new guy out for a drive!

Wishlist yang makin matang & realistik.

It's the much awaited time of the year.
Hari di mana aku post birthday wishlist yeah yeah..
Though I seriously don't know why I still do, let alone look forward to it.
Tak pernah lagi lah dapat hadiah dari wishlist2 ni ayat pancing paling sedih lol.
Aaanyways..
Firstly aku nak nursing tops/jubah/dress.
Tau tak betapa susahnya nak carik nursing clothes yang decent?
By decent I mean cantik, tak membuat aku nampak macam makcik2 serta reasonably priced.
Kalau cantik berkenan di hati, mahalnya tak agak2.
Kalau murah, design mesti -_-"
Apa ibu2 menyusu ni tak layak nampak hot ke?
Melampau.
Secondly, aku nak sandal baru.
Tapi sini masalah paling besar timbul.
Sebabnya going through pregnancy aku telah memanjakan tapak kaki dengan scholl.
Now I just can't take anything less.
Pernah cuba pakai flats cikai beli kat vincci yang telah ditambah dengan insoles scholl,
Belum sempat apa kaki dah sakit.
Tapi itulah.. Sama seperti case baju nursing,
Sandal2 yang selesa ni semua design -_-"
Kenapa gaya & keselesaan tak boleh coexist?
Apa perempuan semua kena merana sakit semata2 nak hot?
Melampau.
Thirdly, aku nak wallet yang lebih kecik & compact.
Memandangkan handbag aku sekarang penuh dgn pampers la wet wipes la nursing cover la apa jadah,
Ia telah menjadi super berat.
Kekadang aku rasa mcm nak buat2 tertinggal wallet aku yang gedabak serta tak membantu tu.
Apa la yang aku simpan dalam tu sampai berat sangat?
Nak kata kaya, tak..
Tapi kalau wallet kecik macam mana nak buat koleksi kad kumpul point serta duit syiling?
Mihihi.
Seterusnya, aku nak handheld blender apekenama ntah benda tu.
Yang ada batang pastu hujung dia bulat ada blade blender kecik tu.
Sebab lagi 2 bulan Hilwa nak start makan & aku kena start blending & pureeing food oh nooooes.
Talk about Hilwa, aku nak a spa day out jugak.
Nak mani pedi, full body massage, & most importantly some time off from being a mother.
T.T
Kalau ikut hati macam2 lagi aku nak mintak tapi serious aku dah mengantuk dari 2 jam lepas.
Tapi breast dah hampir penuh susu, kalau aku tidur jugak alamat basah la tilam.
Tapi tak larat nak angkat Hilwa suruh minum pastu nanti mesti dia tidur atas katil celah2 aku dengan ikhwan pastu tak dapat aku nak manja2 hurrr okbye

Bring me flowers.

It's valentine's day.
It's only natural to come across pictures of flowers & lovers in love.
But I'm lucky to be surrounded by people who posts pictures of flowers to show how ridiculously priced they are on this one day,
Instead of those who gloat silently "see what he bought me peopleeee"
Regardless,
Flowers.
In this sense I'm the girliest of all girls,
I'm the kind who would wander off to the fridge when passing by a florist because there's a vase of peonies in there,
& who would find peace being frozen alive in floristika's store room.
But then I thought of what I'd do if Ikhwan did come home with a bouquet one day.
I'd arrange them in a vase,
Take gazillion pictures.
Then what?
Most probably I'd take them to the kubur because personally I think thats the best use for fresh flowers.
I'm not the "dry them for potpourri" kinda girl.
They collect dust, I don't quite like dust.
So really..
I am blessed with a husband who doesn't really pull all these sugary sweet surprises & who doesn't believe in gifting flowers.
Instead he allows me to splurge on food almost every day.
Stopping by 7e on his way back from work just cause I specifically want haagen dazs in the dead of the night,
& a fancy meal every weekend is sort of a ritual.
For that, I am truly thankful.
Love you sayang.
Happy 4 month Hilwa-niversery :)

Lagi.

Bangun dalam keadaan termenung.
Bila jari selisih jari,
Merentasi masa, dunia, alam maya mahupun dusta,
Haih.
Kenapa mesti kalah?
Kenapa mesti vivid?
Why you? Why today?
Why ever?
Kenapa masih rindu?
Masih teringat, terkenang.
Sekali muncul dalam mimpi,
Sehari tewas, menangis dalam hati.
Dan paling sekali,
Kenapa perlu masa diri ini kotor,
Tak berkesempatan mengadu, merintih kepada Allah,
Bawalah semua ini pergi jauh-jauh seperti yang aku telah minta dahulu,
Dan Kau dah pun tunaikan.
Aku tak mahu lagi rindu damba semua segala.
Aku mahu dia tenang di sana.
Ampuni semua dosanya.
Dan dikurniakan segala ganjaran yang telah Kau janjikan atas semua amalannya dulu.
Amin Ya Allah.
Kau peliharalah dia.

Comfort.

Hilwa loves to membebel when she wakes up.
Granted she's on the bed with us, not in her cot.
That's usually how I wake up,
Groggily trying to make her latch but most of the time she would just spit me back out.
Now that I'm snuggled close to her she has this habit of grabbing a fistful of my tshirt & covering her face with it,
& fall fast asleep almost immediately.
Wish I could post a picture of this right now.
The incredible feeling of knowing your mere presence can comfort your child enough to sleep :')

Seventh.

I almost survived.
Despite being served a heavy dose of Josh hutcherson last night,
I slept fine.
My day was normal.
I wouldn't lie about not thinking about it though.
I have been thinking about it since mid of January,
Especially after receiving the tahlil invite.
Thought about it through hunger games,
Almost succumbed at 2 plus am thinking 'oh god any minute now'.
Thought about it the entire day whenever I glanced at the date & more so when I'm holding Hilwa.
But I was fine.
Then 10 to midnight I saw nad's instagram post & I immediately know it weights more on me than I care to admit.
It's the seventh year.
I'm married, I have successfully married myself out of the picture.
& successfully still, had a baby.
I cannot afford to succumb & be weak when I am a mother.
Not for this.
Not anymore.
2 days ago I have actually thought of a perfect blog post to be posted on the date.
& I still think it's relevant.
Life is this now,
Ikhwan made it tolerable.
Hilwa makes it enjoyable.
I can't say everything's perfect, or back to normal.
See, even the term back to normal speaks of how impossible it is.
You can't go back to normal, you can't go back in time!
It is a scar.
What was that has completely healed.
It doesn't hurt anymore,
Unless rubbed the wrong way.
However it is good to be reminded of him by someone other than myself once in a while.
It makes me feel less delusional for keeping him so close to my heart still.
His character, his antics, so piercingly familiar.
Seven years.
I may not visit much anymore,
In fact I haven't visited in a long, long time.
But trust me I think of you more than I can help.
Alfatihah.