I contemplated whether to just add these photos to the previous post
Or to even blog at all.
But i gotta blab somewhere,
& it's easier to post a new blog on my phone rather than to figure out how to edit an existing one.
Omg gws is killing me this week.
These shoes are gonna make me cry!
& they're proof!
Blue & feathers.
Brilliant!

More shoes.

remember my rant on not knowing what kinda shoes i want to wear for my wedding?
well, i've been stumbling, & lookbook-ing, & tumblring, & god knows what else-ing for inspiration,
& i kinda noticed one particular type of shoes keeps catching my eyes.
i like that it's simple, & subtly so pretty.
no labucis, no brooches thingy, no frills, no ribbon etc.
it's classic.
& gws just had to feature it on their friday favors this week.
i swear to god.
so, i guess it's decided?

(btw, the new blogger does make uploading pictures easier. yays!)

Clarity.

at times i get so overwhelmed by the realizations i get,
the amount of it,
the rapidity of it,
the strength of each feeling.
it's like suddenly everything makes sense,
& it seems silly to even wonder in the first place.
it's just enough to keep me assured,
but not too much that i grow too confident.
honestly, it's pretty nice.

Paranoia.

i remember right after the accident,
back when i was in part 2 of diploma,
i got so paranoid of anything happening to me,
& people not knowing or not having the means to contact & notify those i love,
i actually made an 'in case of emergency' list & pasted it on my board.
i listed out all the important people to me,
& all the phone numbers they have.
family, boyfriend, best friends.
all.
i remember proudly announcing it to my roommates the day i pasted it on,
& told them who each & every one of them were.
i remember listing it out in order,
the top being the first to call,
& the next name is in case the first was unreachable.
i should start that again.
i've grown content & safe.
i shouldn't.

Shoes.

today imma talk about the wedding.
i feel like i haven't been ranting about it for so long.
at least not here.
before i get sidetracked,
i just love the fact free people was featured on gws.
well, the bridesmaids wore free people dresses & it was mentioned on gws.
but still,
sometimes the 2 blogs are complete opposites,
but they have majorly influenced my life so much,
& it's almost emotional seeing one within the other.
& i'm growing sappy.
so yeah.
one thing i have been agonizing so much about is my shoes.
i'm not going to say heels yet 'cause there's no law saying a bride has to wear heels.
i just gotta find the absolutely perfect pair of flats that even imara can't say anything about,
but then they're flats,
she's gonna go berserk.
but forget about flats.
i can't even find the right heels.
& we're that far away from perfect.
i have one in mind,
& it's a miu miu.
which is so not me (the miu miu, not the design).
other than that i'm just..
bleh.
the thing about gws is there's rarely a bride who wears matching bridal shoes on that site.
or maybe there are none at all.
this latest post with the mention of free people, she's wearing a freaking terompah-ish heels with snake-skin-ish large straps thingies (yes, i don't know fashion, & i don't give a rats ass).
i see a lot of them with boots, oh yes, them southern weddings.
then there are heels with peacock feathers, bright red booties, pink, electric blue, you name it.
just not whites. no diamante crap.
& i don't know if i'll be able to pull it off.
i love shoes.
every time i go out i will definitely fall in love with shoes.
i want to be able to buy something i'll love,
that is comfortable,
& that i can wear again & again & not look awkward.
i just haven't had the time to really look,
to really think,
& consider my options.
most importantly,
i gotta sit imara down & tell her to not be like whoever she is from twilight managing bella's wedding & forcing her into those ridiculously high & painful-looking, extravagantly ornamented pair of white heels.
oh fuck this.
i'll just wear my favourite sandalipper (the black sandal slipper i wear everywhere, get it?)

Sealed off.

i'm an extreme kind of person.
i don't know how to go halfway, or to balance things.
it's always all or nothing for me.
but lately i would rather to just not deal with everything.
or at least, with this.
& i can't even say i'm glad, or even comfortable, because really, what am i feeling?
it occurred to me on the day muse released the 2nd law's trailer.
i was excited, yes.
i can't wait, totally.
but then i thought 'eurgh this is going to be so tiring. i'll set this aside until september'.
like wtf.
i don't set aside muse.
nobody sets aside muse, bitch.
but i did, successfully.
until i was scrolling through the artist list on my mp3 player,
craving for mando diao but the files are at home & the internet is so blardy slow,
that i actually stopped and pondered on muse.
it was like opening a locked door, which i do have the key to, but am just too afraid to see what's inside,
or too lazy to deal with the emotions that i know is going to come tumbling down
(imagine a closet door being opened in a sitcom and crap comes crashing out).
as much as i have been questioning myself whether to live or to feel,
i've never actually had the option.
i've been living.
& as much as i say i'm so used to whatever feeling it is,
i haven't been feeling it in a loooong time,
& going back would mean waking up at 5 am to one of the worst news i've ever received,
& crying my eyes dry for probably the next 3 months,
& not being able to even be left alone with my own thoughts.
going back would be me curled up in a fetal position on my bed,
just... hurt.
& what stumps me every time is why do i even feel all this?
after a while i just got tired.
of feeling.
of not having an answer.
of myself.
& listening to absolution today out of my own free will,
(it's hella good, oh god matthew, you're out of this world)
i realized the question is not about choosing between living or feeling,
it's whether i still want to carry this, whatever this is, along with me anymore or not.
i know i will eventually have to drop muse.
like a bad habit.
cold turkey.
& i'll be relieved.
but for now i'll just delude myself to thinking i'd be able to let it off gradually.
(which i don't, because there's never a going halfway for me. i'll one day just delete my entire muse folder & never look back).

i don't even know what to equate muse to.
it's a collection of dark clouds.
literally.
matt's voice sounds so heavenly in my ear right now (i have to keep the other ear free for office conversations),
but look at all the things that i've written.
muse is a period of time so dark for me that i can't even see any happiness in it anymore.
not matt, not bing, not dom, chris (well, chris & his kids, yes, a bit), not the 2nd law, especially not the old albums.
not even the gay love fantasy between matt and dom.
not even the sense of belonging i feel whenever i realize i'm a motherfucking muser.

it has come to such a simple conclusion,
muse hurts.

Repekkan.

so. bored.
i don't even know why i'm writing a blog,
but honestly i've exhausted all other forms of entertainment.
i was stumbling for god knows how long.
& stumbling isn't something i've been doing for a loooong time.
tadi i was overwhelmed by a sudden rindu ilhan shahid-ness.
to explain, well i perez hilton-ed kate hudson & saw pictures of her gomol-ing bing,
& just.. gerang! (gerang is layla's version of geram btw. no, aku tidak gersang).
then i read yaya's paris post & all about marie antoinette,
ergh tidak mahu berfikir.
let layla stay as layla & ilhan as ilhan.
aku lapar,
but i shouldn't be complaining sebab nama pun perempuan jadi hal ganti puasa ni tak dapat nak elak kan?
lagipun, hilyah, ni last awak nak puasa sebagai bujang, insyallah.
tahun depan mana tau tak boleh puasa sebab morning sickness ke,
low blood pressure ke,
jangan sebab bernifas sudah la ye.
horhorhor.
omagah what the hell am i crapping about?
post tiada inti.
macam karipap kosong mama buat untuk layla yang telah menipu aku selasa lepas,
confident nak goreng karipap untuk buka,
last-last pi pasaraya beli nugget balik goreng 6 ketul.
wuwuwu ni baru betul puasa dalam status bujang :P

The guy who wrote this knows Matt really well. Maybe too well.

Exit Planet Bust - Are Muse Blasting Out Of The Record Industry?

Via Natalia.

Eurotrip, down on the equator.

this week has felt so incredibly long that suddenly it's friday & time has flown so fast.
i don't quite know how to explain it.
maybe because it feels so long that when it's finally the end of the week, it feels surreal.
a great deal of this is due to the fact that i've sort of been dreading this week.
since for as long as i can remember,
which is the day my brother in law got the call from celcom regarding their winning a eurotrip,
i've had countless conversations with my sister about her not wanting to go,
her worries about leaving her kids,
etc.
& suddenly their departure day was upon us,
& i was a vulnerably raw, occasionally sobbing, hormonal wreck.
i cried watching cars on tuesday, ffs.
& now they're on their way to paris, which is their last stop,
& they'll be back in less than 72 hours.
i swear to god i'm going to have withdrawals of the babies.
moments like thursday morning where both of them woke up during subuh,
& started crying so much my mum had to dump ilhan in my room,
& i ended up falling asleep while tepuk-ing him on the floor of my mum's room.
i'm not going to boast & say i did so much,
or did it all on my own,
but i'm kind of proud at how well i know the both of them sometimes.
like the time when layla was so sleepy but was fighting from falling asleep,
as usual she grew grumpy,
& started crying at the top of her lungs when she saw me sitting on her stool while doing my work.
i literally just forced her to lie down,
shoved a teddy bear at her,
made her milk,
turned on youtube,
& quarter way through her second song (& 5 ounces of milk), she was dead asleep,
for a good 2 hours, or almost.
but regardless,
i have missed my sister,
& i hope for nothing else but for them to reach here safely, & in one piece.

Layla tanya aku "mama mana?"
It's the question I've been dreading since even before my sister left.
Terkedu & tak ada idea,
Aku jawab "mama bobom."
"Takla.. mama pergi Europe."
I've really underestimated these kids.
Both my sister & I.
Mama's right, they won't just be fine,
They'll be so overindulged that by the time my sister gets back they'll probably not want to go home at all.
I hope things do go this smoothly for the next 11 days.
(Fingers crossed for not jinxing anything)