Fourth & falling (still).

It's so easy for me to fall in love.
Like when I climbed over Ikhwan's legs to reach down for my charger,
& his hand flew to my arm & gripped it tight.
Because only Hilwa would ever do that, sit on the edge of the bed & reach down to bang the steel sides.
He reached out & gripped me in his sleep,
& made me fall in love again.
Happy fourth, sayang.

Opportunity cost.

Ikhwan came home all excited but almost disappointed just now.
Apparently he got to talking with one of our colleagues, who is a designated trainer,
& she told him she had big plans for me before I resigned.
She said I not only impressed her through out my training,
I impressed a whole lot of other people too in the duration of my working there.
& that I could have been the first person to ever move up to AMO within their first year on the job.
When Ikhwan told me that, my first reaction was
"You do realise if I stayed, you wouldn't have been able to move up".
Regardless, he looked just so.. Heartbroken.
He was looking at me all 'are you crazy not wanting this?! Don't you understand what that means?!'
& honestly, I kind of don't.
If I really did move up, I know I'd have to head a team so drowned in shit I'd probably burn out in the next year.
Remember the last AMO to manage that team fainted flat on her face? Yeah.
& not to mention I'd step over a guy who I look to as a leader, & I don't think he'd take that kindly.
I know for a fact I wouldn't be able to do it to him.
& quite simply, I think the reason why I did so well on that team was because I saw an end in sight.
Though not an end to the problems, but an end where I got to leave it all behind.
& trust me that helps. A lot.
I had one day where I felt so crappy I actually cried the way to work,
I already told Ikhwan to turn back & I'd just go get an MC instead,
But then I realised I had an exit interview scheduled, & just a few more days of crap to deal with that it just gave me the strength to log in.
Tear streaked & all.
Right now I just can't imagine having to deal with additional managerial tasks on top of that crap.
Oh no please god no.
& then there's the question of Hilwa.
I wouldn't trade the world for her.
I loved what I did at work back then.
I loved the fact that my job isn't the same every day, & that I'm faced with different sets of problems on most of the funds my colleagues couldn't place.
(I'm not bragging, I'm just literally handed the task of investigating what the hell these monies are, & about 2 weeks to learn how to do it which means to learn basically everyone's job function on the floor, & how they screwed up lol)
But it's not for me anymore.
I can look back & think of it fondly, Rose Tinted View capital everything.
& I can see why Ikhwan sounded that way.
Plus it would be really nice to take home that kind of salary every month.
(& make him call me boss unnecessarily lol)
But the moment I handed my id tag back to my manager,
I just couldn't associate anymore.
Tho I admit, it was really, really nice to hear people appreciating & recognising my work 10 months after I've left.
Now people, that's the kind of impression you want to leave anyone for that matter.
Tibah.

On the way.

I annoy even myself when I start talking about how I loved & currently miss my birthing experience.
The thing is,
I can't help but feel like I missed out on Hilwa's pregnancy.
I was too worried that I got pregnant too soon,
That I wasn't ready,
That I didn't have money,
What was I gonna do after she was born I can't just freaking quit my job?!
& most of all, I was worried people were gonna laugh at me, who was so sure I wouldn't fall into the bunting pelamin category.
I was so worried & depressed.
& before I knew it she was born.
This... Suci little thing.
So despite strict orders of not breathing a word about it at least until this weekend,
I can't help but write this tonight.
Because I can't get it out of my head.
I can't help but worry, again.
But mostly I can't help but feel excited,
Nervous,
Restless,
& I just want your journey to go as smoothly as possible.
Oh it's still a long journey to travel.
I can't pray hard enough for Allah to protect you with the best of His protection all the way.
Thank you for allowing an outdated mother to feel all this belated feelings.
You are already so extraordinary, & I can't help but fall for you so hard.

P/s: no I'm not pregnant. My nurse will kill me if I am.