Worries.

You know what sucks?
I think 90% of this 'wedding stress' thing that every bride say they feel is just us worrying about how things will turn out on the real day.
We have had probably 20 years to dream about this day,
& that's a lot of details that could go wrong.
What if my dress fit me horribly?
What if my hair don't turn out right?
What if the flowers in my bouquet wilt?
What if i actually don't get the flowers i want?
God please don't rain.
& zits, omg they pop out at the worst times don't they?
Typing this all out, they made me feel so shallow,
& self-absorbed.
But, really, day after day all i could think about is just how this is my one & only shot at having my own wedding,
Having things my way,
& having them all exactly how i want them.
Yes all flowers are pretty,
But today i want those specific flowers.
& those zits, or anything at all for that matter, I'll have to look at them in pictures my whole life!
It's just.. scary.
Then i got to realize how these has taken the joy out of planning a wedding,
Of being engaged.
I actually had this thought in mind,
That weddings are all magical only to little girls who show up on the day itself to their cousin's wedding,
Seeing her get dolled up,
& everything looks pretty,
While the bride is probably just relieved that it's finally the day,
& maybe even exhausted from not being able to sleep the night before.
It's honestly scary.
I keep reminding myself to enjoy the process,
To refer to Ikhwan as my fiance as much as possible,
Because this phase I'm going through now is once in a lifetime as well.
I have to stop focusing so much on just one day,
& putting too high of an expectation on it.
One thing i notice brides on GWS always say is that some things will definitely not go according to plan, or simply go wrong, on the real day,
They always say to enjoy it,
Enjoy the day,
Because it'll be over before you know it.
& i guess they should know best,
Because personally, looking back,
I have learnt & realized so much since i got engaged myself.
So, fingers crossed.
Semoga perjalanan ini dirahmati Allah hingga ke hujung nyawa :)

For some of the best wedding/marriage advises worth keeping in mind,
Confessions of a Bride.
"keep calm & enjoy the process"

Lebaran.

So we're done with yet another Ramadhan.
I feel genuinely sad this year.
I've been feeling it for a few days already,
but at the sound of the Azan Maghrib just now,
it really sunk in.
First & foremost,
I'm going to really miss the rhythm & order of Ramadhan.
The days were so teratur, like I had a fixed timetable to follow.
& not to mention ibadah was so much easier to do,
it was so calm.
I'll admit I haven't been the best muslim,
especially this year.
& what I'm most afraid of is going back to my old neglectful ways in the days to come.
I haven't felt this way in a long time,
when I'm late at performing a prayer I'll feel restless & unsettled,
& I don't want it to fade away ever again.
Next, of course, is my wedding.
I've been putting off quite a lot of things to 'after raya'.
& the day after tomorrow is already officially 'after raya'.
I'll need to go send my baju nikah,
nag at Ikhwan for him to send both his baju nikah & sanding
then I'll need to follow up with the tailors to make sure they get the clothes ready with enough time to send it for beading,
I'll need to pay my mak andam,
tempah curtains for my, oops I mean our room,
get the stuff for the door gifts,
& not to mention I'll have to keep reminding Ikhwan to ambil tahu about his side of the kenduri as well.
& the part I hate most about all of the above is they all will need to be paid for.
Boss oh boss, anda tak mahu naikkan gaji kuli finance anda ni ke?
Horhor
& last but not least on this list of my after raya worries,
is food.
I know it's not much,
but I managed to lose 3 kgs this month.
& obviously it's much nicer to be on the happier side of 55 rather than on the worrying side.
I am honestly lazy when it comes to exercise.
It doesn't help that I finish work at 6,
& what with travelling home and changing,
it just feels like it's not worth it to go for a walk with so little time left before Maghrib.
I know, I know, wake up earlier & go jogging before work.
But.. sleep is life!
Anyways,
the raya food horror has already begun during buka puasa just now.
We had all the raya food mama cooked this morning,
& naturally my perut Kedah couldn't be satisfied.
I can eat all the nasi impit and ketupats in the world,
I can assure you i'll be hungry again within half an hour.
I need my rice (no, nasi impit is NOT rice).
& despite munching on nasi impit & ketupat & nasi impit & ketupat again since Maghrib,
I'm still going to bed hungry.
Tomorrow is going to be hell.
I foresee cooking some sambal sotong by Asar.
Urgh.
Regardless,
raya is suppose to be a happy, victorious day for us.
I guess I'll really start worrying about dieting & finances the day after.
Selamat hari raya to you who's reading this,
maaf zahir batin if anything I ever wrote hurt or offended you in anyway.
Much love :)

Ingin ditekankan di sini bahawa proses hendak berkahwin itu tidak glamour!
Ianya lebih kepada kepokaian,
Keserabutan,
Worrying about forms & test dates,
& 100% stress tanpa sebab yang konkrit.
Atau mungkin itu hanyalah aku.
Hurrr.

the story, part 3.

It is more than normal for people to berangan in Ikea.
I know some might not own up to it,
but cmon, who doesn't layan some fantasy about how one would want their house to be,
& especially who to spend it with.
But I guess what I experienced that day can't really be classified as berangan,
or I would rather think of it that way, lol.
Now that weekend,
I was third-wheeling in Ikea.
I was with some friends, & they were newly in love,
& my current interest was all the way in Kelantan.
So naturally I was focusing more on the furniture.
I have always fancied four poster beds,
especially after getting obsessed with Harry Potter.
So that day, arriving at the beds section, my eyes went straight to it,
this simple white four poster bed.
I'm almost positive I imagined the drapery hanging around it,
in fact, it's hard to imagine how exactly it looked that day,
because in my head I only saw one image,
that is that bed sitting in a room with the windows thrown open,
it was breezy and bright,
& us, Ikhwan & I in the middle, just chilling, enjoying each other's company.
I remember growing silent at that time,
I remember my friend saying something that was supposed to be funny,
I remember not being able to react.
I brushed the bed lightly, a revelation coming to mind.
Now I know this all sounds so horny,
me daydreaming of us in bed.
But honestly that day, all I saw was a life I could choose to live,
I could see myself living it.
With him.
I guess it makes sense for me to say this,
I was at that point in my life just getting out of an intense relationship that was nearing the 1 year mark,
& immediately prior to that, I was in another relationship, also serious,
& which was very emotional for me, since I was fifteen.
I was, am, known to almost everyone who knew me as someone who wanted to get married.
Every time I am asked what is my ambition, I would say to become a full time housewife.
I just, always wanted to get married.
& at that point, the whole getting to know Ikhwan,
I knew he would most probably end up as another bitter ex that I had a serious relationship with,
because I am never capable of just dating someone.
& it occurred to me,
jodoh is not about finding someone perfect and forcing him into our life,
fighting to make it work, worrying every day.
I'll build a strong friendship,
work towards a marriage,
& if he's still there, & the circumstances permit it to happen,
then he's the one.
So on that day, in front of the white four poster bed,
I decided on Ikhwan.

“A few times in my life I’ve had moments of absolute clarity, when for a few brief seconds the silence drowns out the noise and I can feel rather than think, and things seem so sharp and the world seems so fresh. I can never make these moments last. I cling to them, but like everything, they fade. I have lived my life on these moments. They pull me back to the present, and I realize that everything is exactly the way it was meant to be.” – A Single Man

freepeople

the story, part 2.

So much has gone on since I wrote my last post that I actually moronically forgot about yesterday.

What with going to PKNS then Plaza Alam Sentral then OU,

& spending so much money in a day it's not even funny anymore,

that when I sat down for dinner with Ikhwan,

& he asked me 'so I guess this is our celebration?',

my head was actually blank.

So where did I stop?

Oh.. the very next day after he added me & we talked all night,

I bumped into him at the library in UiTM.

I will never, ever forget that awkward wave and goofy smile he had on his face.

Up to that moment (even after the uncoolness of the night before),

I always thought he was, well, cool.

Or at least collected.

He's this quiet guy in class,

speaks really good English, and steadily, during presentations,

& always had a book with him.

Naturally I would think a girl can'f faze him.

Apparently I had. Lolz.

Our first date was my doing actually.

I got a call from Vivian regarding a survey in KL,

& as she always did, she asked me if I had any guy friends my age who could go.

The first person I thought of was him,

so I call him up & asked 'you nak dating dengan I tak?' (there wasn't any point in beating around the bush),

& he agreed.

Oh.

The story of how I gave him my phone number was so busuk that I guess I'll save his face by not telling.

(Yes, sayang, I still think it was a tactic & it was lame as hell).

So.. up to the point of our first date I was still unsure about this.

I remember regretting quite a number of time before and during the survey.

I was scared it'd be awkward,

I was scared I wouldn't enjoy his company in real life as much as online,

I was scared I wouldn't like him,

& it didn't help that he arrived late,

so I was kept waiting for a while & we were late to the survey,

my two greatest pet peeves.

But we talked nonstop that day.

We went to a bookstore,

& had teppanyaki,

he sent me home,

& we met up with my friends & they loved him

or at least Pet loved him.

Then he had to go back to KB for raya,

& he went back to being the online best friend that I enjoy chatting with.

Until I took a trip to Ikea with some friends.

the story, part 1.

Originally I wanted to post this on Saturday,
but this Saturday seems awfully packed,
I foresee laying dead after berbuka (or whenever we actually reach home).
& I'm in the mood anyways.
So enough of my mukadimah.
This Saturday, 15th Ramadhan, will mark 2 years of my friendship with Ikhwan Arif,
according to Islamic calendar of course.
Now where do I begin?
I say friendship because, if I were to be honest, that was how it started.
I was smitten at first,
angau like hell sampai ponteng terawih every night nak chat punya pasal,
but I knew it was all because of the thrill of the moment,
of getting to know someone new,
of clicking at go.
But I didn't really feel it could last.
I remember quite vividly thinking at some point, this guy is definitely my new best friend.
(hambek kau Ikhwan kau kena friendzone bhai awal-awal)
It's funny how things fell into place,
how just a few days before he added me on facebook,
I actually stumbled upon his profile.
His name was odd, he didn't have the (Ikhwan Arif) thing beside his profile name yet,
& his picture was small.
But 2 things happened at once the moment I saw his profile,
first, I thought 'wtf is his name? sounds like a planet'
& second, I immediately knew who he was.
Then a few days later Nadia turned to me in class with that annoying, miang smile of hers,
& asked me if anyone added me on facebook the day before.
I said no.
She told me to go home & check again.
& I did.
What I found was... confusing.
You see, Nadia is terrible at keeping secrets, especially when the secret is a piece of very juicy gossip,
so I immediately knew whoever it was who added me must be trying to masuk line,
but there it was, the friend request, displaying that weird planet name.
My first reaction? Dude I'm being punk'd.
So I did the most obvious thing to do, I left a comment on his page.
He had this weird story about how he had an imaginary girlfriend, yada yada yada,
I knew he was trying to explain to god knows who why his status was set to 'in an open relationship' previously.
He changed it to 'single' just before he added me by the way.
Lame doh sayang, obvious gila you nak ngorat I.
He replied my comment within minutes,
& miraculously we clicked.
We talked for hours that night.
Just commenting on that pathetic status of his.
Yang paling lame nya, he kept asking his friends to check out his profile & see what was going on.
Excited much?
So yes, all this contributed to my rather shallow feelings for him at first.
Dah lah pelik, kecoh, tak cool, minat John Mayer.
Memang tak lah.
But it's amazing how things could turn out when He wills it.
:)